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midnight armadillo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:35 PM
Original message
Family discord arrgghhh!
To quote CanuckAmok's thread on he and his wife's separation: Why am I telling you? Because you're my "single-serving friends", and because you don't know either of us well enough to judge us.

My mother and my wife are no longer on speaking terms, due to my mother's refusal to apologize for severely insulting my wife at Xmas. And of course they're both mad at me, my mother is accusing me of blackmail since we're insisting on an apology and my mother wants to see her grandson, and my wife now thinks I wasn't sticking up for her enough and is accusing my mother of being emotionally abusive (a charge which I am inclined to agree with).

Now what the hell do I do? I think I will go throw up now. :puke:
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Lars39 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:40 PM
Response to Original message
1. Are you married to your mom or your wife?
You can't straddle this fence. Our family learned the hard way. Continually giving in to a manipulative matriarch creates havoc.
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ScreamingMeemie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:42 PM
Response to Original message
2. I am on the wife side of a situation like this, and believe me, I bet
your wife would like to throw up as well. What I think is needed (at least in my case) is a firm stance with Mom that while you love and respect her, your wife's issues are now your main concern. Good luck.

Hugs,Laura
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TNDemo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:45 PM
Response to Original message
3. So what actually happened?
You don't have to tell if you don't want to but it would help to know some of the background and what was actually said.
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jimbo fett Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:46 PM
Response to Original message
4. A mother should be able to put aside her pride and apologize.
Even if she secretly thinks she's done nothing wrong.
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Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 02:46 PM
Response to Original message
5. If your mother is really emotionally abusive,
wife wins.

I went through this with my own parents this year and have not spoken to them in 4 months. It happened before Christmas, which is nice because my husband and I had the best Christmas of our married lives this year (without them).

Read "Toxic Parents" - there's also a book by the same author called "Toxic In-laws."

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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:03 PM
Response to Original message
6. Stand up for your wife...
Your mom will get over it, your wife won't. And she deserves your support in this struggle.
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WoodrowFan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:28 PM
Response to Original message
7. I agree with Lars
I agree with Lars, you have to stick up for your wife unless she is totally, 1,000% out of line, and even THEN she gets the benefit of the doubt.
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trof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:40 PM
Response to Original message
8. The nice thing about friends (and spouses),
as opposed to families, is you get to CHOOSE them.
Families are what they are, and you're pretty much stuck with them.

It would be helpful to know the extent of the insult, if you're comfortable revealing that.

There's a big difference between calling someone a brainless slut and commenting that their punkin pie ain't quite up to snuff.
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Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 04:08 PM
Response to Reply #8
14. it depends on
whether or not a pumpkin pie comment is tainted with lots of other stuff.
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Loonman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:47 PM
Response to Original message
9. Need to get away?
Don't you love refereeing a battle you have nothing to do with?
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midnight armadillo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:51 PM
Response to Original message
10. Thanks everyone
I will go buy that book "Toxic Parents" in a few minutes. What did my mother do...well, amongst various things in the past few months she's completely disparaged and insulted our parenting, and then accused my wife of being a bad mother, inventing pet allergies to piss off my mother, and of not pulling her own weight in childcare. All of which is 100% horseshit. This has been going on for years too and I think my wife just hit the breaking point.

I'm seeing my doctor for some minor ailments on Monday, so I'm going to talk to him about this and get a therapist recommendation. You folks are right, I have to stick by my wife. Maybe my mother will change...maybe not.
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trof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:54 PM
Response to Reply #10
11. uh oh. The ultimate insult.
"You're a bad mommy."
Them is fightin' words LIKE NO OTHER!
Good luck.
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 03:59 PM
Response to Reply #11
12. No kidding.
MY bloodpressure is raising just reading about it happening to someone else.
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trof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 04:03 PM
Response to Reply #12
13. Eons ago, in a galaxy far away,
Miz t. and I were so accused by the father of our babysitter when we were half an hour later than we had planned.
We knew it wasn't true, but it still cut to the quick.
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 04:10 PM
Response to Original message
15. This is your mother's way of trying to manipulate and control
Youhave to be firm. Let her know she is loved but that you won't tolerate her treating your wife poorly or criticizing your household. It is not her's to criticize.

Tell her she is welcome to see her grandchild but comments that criticize your parenting are destructive and not EVER welcome.

One can be very tough and set boundaries with people. The main thing is if they CROSS those boundaries, you must then stand firm.

It may be uncomfortable for a while and some tears might be shed and some animosity expressed, but in the long run, it will turn out.

This is a test of what you are willing to tolerate to "keep the peace"..but when push comes to shove, tolerating another person attempting to control and manipulate you is NO PEACE at all.

Good luck.
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nini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 04:14 PM
Response to Original message
16. back your wife and don't 'insist' on an apology.
Your mom should apology because it is the right thing to do not because she feels she HAS to.

If your mom cannot treat your wife with more respect than that then some time apart will be a good thing. You cannot let her control YOUR marriage and YOUR family.

Good luck..
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Nlighten1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 04:51 PM
Response to Original message
17. disfucntion junction...what's your function?
With out more specifics about what was said by the mom it is difficult to form an opinion in this case.
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geniph Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 05:07 PM
Response to Original message
18. Given the insult in question
(calling your wife a bad parent), and given that your wife already feels you haven't backed her up, it's time to back your wife up and tell your mother that without an apology for her baseless and uncalled-for busybodying, you will not be visiting until you believe you can do so without her haranguing and abusing your wife.

She has no business interfering in parental decisions unless there is some kind of actual abuse going on. If she merely disagrees with a parenting decision your wife has made, then she needs to mind her own business and zip her lip. She's had her chance at proper parenting, now she needs to leave you two alone to do yours.
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 05:13 PM
Response to Original message
19. If your wife severely insulted your mother
would an apology not be in order? I'm sure your mother would think so.
It's time for Mom to grow up, in my opinion.

She'll be angry; but don't let her goad you into raising your voice. You're going to need to play the role of mature adult in this instance.
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