I was pissed off; now I'm just disappointed.

[TOhioLiberal]

Rant Warning: If you don't want to hear about my marital woes, it's best you just move along now. Thanks.

What the hell's going on here? Or, my husband the social butterfly.

I've been patient with him. His ex-wife's death hit him hard. I've endured the shorter than normal temper fuse. I've endured countless renditions of the world's worst song (gritting my teeth all the while and ignoring the sniffles emanating from his direction). I've ignored my own grief, and have become a numb, depressed wreck. He neither notices or cares.

Now, to understand the gist of my annoyance you need to know that in the 27 years I have lived with this man, I have had a difficult time getting him to go anywhere: dinner, movie, something 'fun'. He is a hermit.

Now, he goes out at least once a week with someone related to a woman he works with. This person invites him to dinner, and by all accounts he goes. WILLINGLY. And lest you say it's a change of attitude, he refused to go out with my son, FDIL, and me on Father's day.

Advice, commiseration, anything at all welcome at this point.

[Hugin]

1. Well, I'd like to have some advice for you...

But, I don't.

It sounds like he's a little confused at the moment.

I'm sorry you're having trouble and I hope with some time and words from
you he comes to realize it.

[TOhioLiberal]

4. Thanks Prag...

:hi:

[Lex]

2. Sorry, TO, that sounds upsetting.

Just remember to take care of and be good to yourself--you're the only you that you have. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

5. Thanks Lex...

...:hug:

[skygazer]

3. You've been with him 27 years and his ex's death hit him like that?

There's got to be a backstory there so I won't even address it.

I'd say it's time to let go of the patience. If you want to go out, he ought to get off his ass and go out with you. Whether he wants to or not. Relationships are about compromise or they're supposed to be. You shouldn't be the only one doing it.

My .02.

[TOhioLiberal]

6. Shorter Backstory:

His ex became my best friend. She lived with us for many of those years. She never gave me a reason to suspect her, and I blindly assumed that he loved me and me alone. When she became ill with cancer for the last time, he became more overt about his feelings.

[YDogg]

7. Sounds like quite the emotionally confusing situation.

I hope that he can work through this ... and I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of it.

[TOhioLiberal]

11. Thanks YDogg...

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

8. This didn't just happen to HIM...

Sure, he's grieving, and so are you. She was your friend too.

It's time for him to wake up and see what's in front of him. Talk about it. talk thru it. Get help if needed.

and then get his hermit ass off the couch and take you somewhere nice.

Take care of you. Here's a hug for what it's worth :hug:

just my .02...

RL

[TOhioLiberal]

12. It's far too late, RL...

...The relationship was dying even then. It's dead now. But thanks anyway. :hug:

[Nikia]

9. Have you met your husband's new friend?

Although there is nothing wrong with having separate friends, I think that it is good to know your spouse's friends that your spouse sees outside of work.
Invite his new friend over and size up the situation. You can determine if you think this person is a good friend for your husband and what attracts your husband to this person.

[TOhioLiberal]

13. No I haven't.

...although I am curious.

[Zookeeper]

10. So, is the "someone related to a woman he works with"

male or female? Has he been willing to discuss why he will go out with this person, but not his family?

Any chance a family member could take care of your son, and you get away by yourself for a week and leave your husband to wallow in his self-absorption?

It sounds like you have been very patient, under painful and confusing circumstances.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

14. I don't know much...

...since hubby doesn't talk to me much. I do know that he's male and blind.

Get away for a week? Sounds like a good idea. (my son is an adult)

Thanks for the idea, and for caring. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

15. I got nothing

I wish i did homey :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

17. Thanks for caring anyway...

:hug:

[pitohui]

16. your husband is having an affair

and i'd be disappointed too, as well as majorly pissed off

[TOhioLiberal]

18. That's quite a leap...

...considering the views he holds. I'm not discounting anything, but I'm leaning against that. If he is, it is indeed ironic on many levels.

[InternalDialogue]

19. Aww, T

I'm sorry to hear it. I can't offer any advice, but you've got my shoulder.

I wish you patience, peace, understanding, vision, and empathy. Hang in there.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

20. Thanks InternalDialogue...

...:hug:

[Redbear]

21. So, the relationship is dead?

Are you still just together for financial reasons or what?

[TOhioLiberal]

24. It is dead...

...I am finding it hard to leave because he wrecked my credit.

[fizzgig]

22. i have no adivice

but i do have some :hug: :hug: :hug: for you

[TOhioLiberal]

25. Thanks for the hugs...

...:hug: you're a good person.

[NewWaveChick1981]

23. Geez...that's gotta be tough.

:hug: :pals: My husband's a hermit and hasn't changed his tune. It would be disconcerting to me if he suddenly became a social butterfly too. I know all too well what it's like to be married to a hermit. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

26. Thanks NWC...

...I just wish I didn't care as much as I do. As long as I do, he'll continue to hurt me.

[skygazer]

27. That's the hard part

Caring about it. I'm sorry - that sounds like a hard situation to be in. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

33. it's hard...

...very hard. :( :hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

28. Caring is a very, very difficult thing to let go of.

:pals: I know from experience. :hug: And I know what you're going through.

[TOhioLiberal]

34. He thinks I don't care...

...I wish I didn't. :(

[wildhorses]

29. i would have to shoot his recording of that song while he is out

meh...like i said my sense of humor is gone:P

[TOhioLiberal]

32. since it's on his computer...

...I'd have to shoot it. Now where's that gun?

[wildhorses]

35. you can borrow mine~

[La Lioness Priyanka]

30. sorry about this situation

living with a depressed person in very trying and i am sorry you have had to endure it.

my father is exactly this 'hermit' you have described and i feel terrible for my step mom

do you know why this new friend is motivating him enough to leave the house?

[TOhioLiberal]

36. I wish I did, lioness...

...I would surely like to know what it is that he is able to give a (more or less) perfect stranger more regard than he would his wife. It's eating me up inside.

[SPKrazy]

31. Dunno TOH

sounds like SSDD to me

:hug:

hope that you are taking care of you...

:hi:

[TOhioLiberal]

37. In some ways it is.

...I find myself dealing with it with less and less patience. I know people mourn differently, but he hasn't started dealing with it.

[LeftyFingerPop]

38. Dear TOL..

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I wish strength for you to help you cope and come to a satisfactory conclusion. Hang in there....:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

39. thanks philboy...

...sometimes ya just gotta rant, ya know?

[LeftyFingerPop]

40. Yes I know...

stay strong and take care of yourself.