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salinen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 07:56 AM
Original message
Advice needed for loved one who is a "pot head"
I am a little uncomfortable outing my spouse here, but I need help. BTW, I enjoy occasionally, but she is stoned 24/7. And she gets desperate when the supply runs low. It would be alright if she remained close to the same way straight or stoned, but she isn't. She uses to push back all emotions. When she tries to quit, she cries continuously until she ends up smoking again. She grew up with RW types who criticized her mightily for not loving jesus or shopping malls. She has a counselor who doesn't see this as a big problem. But I live with her. She isn't one of those people who can function on the drug. She gets dazed and confused, often not seeing the simplest answer. I told her that I like her better straight. Maybe that's cold, but I know that I will ultimately have little or nothing to do with her addiction. She is addicted. I mentioned NA, but she wants nothing to do with that. When she's stoned, she becomes pessimistic. Not with the world, but with herself, and she is powerless to stop all the fear from rising to the surface. I'm not that way. I really dislike the language of fear. I always see the almost full cup. So we are becoming estranged. Any suggestions would be wonderful about now. Thanks.
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Racenut20 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:01 AM
Response to Original message
1. There is counseling available for you
You need to learn how to deal with it before you can help the mate.
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HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:02 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. I'll second that
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salinen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:14 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. I'm not sure that I can help much.
She would like to stop. But she cannot. Do you really think I'm the key to this? I have no background on drug addiction. I have been supportive for many years. I recommended counseling. And she loves her counseling sessions. Maybe I could do more.
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Alpharetta Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:24 AM
Response to Reply #5
8. we can always do more
I'll third the motion for counseling for both of you.

I had a girlfriend who drank too much. I was in denial about it for a long time. Scoffed at her mom when her mom warned me about it. When I finally realized she had a problem I still refused to go "dry" myself to help her. Looking back, I know I made a cold choice to not give 100% to help her. Who knows what would have happened if I had.

Regarding folks who smoke too much, I have a theory. From what I saw in my younger days, the smokers who were unchallenged were the ones who got permanent couch lock. Goals and challenges made a difference. But of course, not even the experts truly understand addiction. Everybody's different.
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HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:31 AM
Response to Reply #5
10. Let me rephrase this a little, get thee to a counselor
My advice isn't so you can help her, my advice is so you can help you.
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DS1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:12 AM
Response to Original message
3. I don't think pot is the issue, it it wasn't pot, it'd be something else
Alcohol, 'e', I'd say that you're lucky it is pot she's on, and not something more destructive.

She does need therapy though.
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Catch22Dem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:12 AM
Response to Original message
4. Wow
Honestly, I've never known anyone to get like that when they're high. At least not with weed. Obviously she has as addiction and she's going to need help. May I ask, does she recognize these things you mention on her own? Does she feel like she has a problem?
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salinen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:22 AM
Response to Reply #4
7. Sure Catch
and it is literally a Catch22. She knows she's addicted, she's unhappy about that, so she turns to the drug that numbs her from that reality. I know not many people think pot is so addictive. I have been an on and off smoker for 34 years, since age 12. I couldn't care less if I never saw it again. But I enjoy it when I do. I have a business partner who has smoked for 45 years and is so hooked, he will drive hundreds of miles to get it. So it seems that some do and some don't.
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Catch22Dem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:31 AM
Response to Reply #7
9. Kinda what I thought
Well, then the good news is she knows there's a problem and will openly admit it. So, there's a couple of points in her favor. The next step would be for you guys to seek some professional help together. If you can get her to do that, you're well on your way.

I know pot is addictive. My dad has smoked since he was 15. I, on the other hand, can smoke when I want then go months without. Pot is one of those drugs that many folks (aside from freeper types) don't see as harmful. Personally, I think it should be leagalized. God knows I have no issues with it, and I think it's a helluva lot less harmful than alcohol. But, like alcohol, pot can affect people in different ways. Some folks need help curbing their addiction, while others don't.

Best of luck to ya, bro. Feel free to pm me or something if ya just wanna shoot the shit or somethin.
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TXlib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:35 AM
Response to Reply #7
13. Anything can be psychologically addictive
including pot.
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tkmorris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:21 AM
Response to Original message
6. I agree with the previous posts
Your spouses problem is not the weed, it's what she is using the weed to escape. She needs to deal with those fears and therapy of some sort seems the only answer.

Beware my friend. You and your spouse see the world in a FAR different way. That won't change even if therapy works miracles. If she is worth the trouble to you, great, but if she is not you should realize she will likely never be an optimist as you are.

On the other hand, she needs you. She is a fellow human in distress. Do right by her. Be well and wish her the same for me would you?
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salinen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:34 AM
Response to Reply #6
11. Thanks tk
You can see this clearly.
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mdmc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:39 AM
Response to Reply #6
14. A stoner here.
In the same boat as your wife. My ex girlfriend hates it, just like you hate it.
My suggestions:
Cooking with pot. Try making brownies with you wife. Or hemp bread. Take an interest in the culture, especially Prohibition.

Toys. Try a vaporizer or bong.

Zanax. She is running from something. I can't quit smoking, but I can stop with the help of zanax. I can cut back to smoking once every other day with the help of zanax.

My prayers go out to you. I hate to be cold, but you might have to dump her. My girl dumped me, and she now has a great relationship with a sober person. You can have that also, just not with your current spouse. We posters above mentioned therapy for you, this is what they were getting at. If you don't want to be married to a stoner, get a divorce.
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:35 AM
Response to Original message
12. Maybe it's time for her
to look into a different therapist.

Regardless, why don't you try visiting some of the support systems for families and loved ones of addicts. And look into therapy for yourself, -a good counselor can help you find ways to deal with your wife's problems and if necessary, to end the relationship with as little emotional damage as possible.
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gWbush is Mabus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:48 AM
Response to Original message
15. i smoke 24/7
i am married, have a successful career, i am happy.

don't blame the weed.


my advice: try to take your wife out to do fun things:
dates
hiking
movies
etc.

many people smoke because they get bored.

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lovedems Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 09:48 AM
Response to Reply #15
20. That is the same here
Edited on Fri Jan-23-04 09:50 AM by lovedems
only my husband smokes 24/7 (never in front of the kids) but it doesn't interfere with our relationship. I used to smoke in college but quit. I am not a "reformed pot head" who despises smoking. I only have 1 or 2 friends who don't smoke. Maybe I just hang with a bunch of freaks!

I would think about the underlying problem rather the weed. It is easy to blame a drug when mental health counseling is what's needed.

Be careful, one addiction usually replaces another. I would be careful not to get on the prescription drug path. That would be far more dangerous than weed.
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enough Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:48 AM
Response to Original message
16. All good posts.
Edited on Fri Jan-23-04 09:27 AM by enough
Salinen, I agree with everything that has been said.

Most important: you need to take care of yourself. This is a very very hard place to be in. Not only do you have to worry about her suffering, but you have to live your life essentially alone because she is so disconnected. Counseling for you is good idea if you can find someone who connects with you.

Answering your second post, no, you are NOT "the key to all this." This is something coming from deep within her, and the pot is helping her to avoid the pain of dealing with it.

It sounds to me that her situation is serious enough that you really can't do that much for her. At one time in my life I was getting into a serious problem with alcohol. My husband finally had to just let me know that it was making our home life intolerable for him. He explained how it was for him, how it made him feel, and that he couldn't go on with this kind of life. It was not a threat. He was just speaking the truth very sincerely.

That was not an instant miracle cure for me, but it did help me to realize that alcohol was not going to be a viable solution to the things that were driving me crazy. That in turn made me see that I had to deal directly with the pain I was trying to avoid. The turn-around began with the fact that he was not willing to let my addiction ruin his life.

That was 20 years ago. We've been married for 33 years now.
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mdmc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 08:50 AM
Response to Original message
17. you got some good responses here
well met DU!
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 09:16 AM
Response to Original message
18. Been down a similar path
It didn't affect him the same way and he could function well, but it was daily and lots of money was being spent, money we could ill afford. The main personality issue was unless he was on it 24/7, he was hostile and angry. A few months ago, it said that if this continues, I can't see us together a few years down the road and that I married a sober man and didn't sign on for this (didn't start until 6 years ago, which was 7 years into our marriage). There was also the conplication of prescription narcotics thrown in which isn't gone all the way, but it's better. Well, he hasn't smoked in over two months and the mood swings have calmed down, but he's not getting appropriate outside support either and I really don't have much trust anymore myself. He doesn't understand this and my feelings are minimized.
I should note, I have don't problem with it in moderation in theory, but daily use by someone who is a recovering alcoholic is another story.
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mdmc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 09:44 AM
Response to Reply #18
19. thanks
for sharing...
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Loonman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 09:49 AM
Response to Original message
21. Doesn't matter which substance is being used
But if a substance is used to avoid problems, it's use is dangerous and does a great disservice to the user and all those that interact with them.



I dated a girl who would smoke me out of house and home.


She did have a shitty childhood and life, but eventually, I decided I wasn't made of money, nor was I a mental health professional.


I got the hell out and never looked back.
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salinen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 12:06 PM
Response to Reply #21
22. Wow! I started this thread late
last night and finally went to sleep. I'm so glad to have so many ideas. Too many maybe. This is a very difficult time for us. I hope it's o.k. from time to time to post a thread about our progress. I wish you could all come over for a pot luck. Thanks all.


Sincerely,

Salinen
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proud patriot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-23-04 12:15 PM
Response to Original message
23.  some advice
I love to smoke moto myself , and have found the best
way for me to take needed breaks from it is on
vacation . Go somewhere without it . Tell her you
will prove she can have fun without it . Nothing is
easy to stop at home .
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