Gimme some opinions about this very rough first draft

[cssmall]

Sent me from my home
From the arms of my daughter
To the sands of the desert
In an oasis, on my knees in the blinding red sun
It’s fitting in its own damned way.

I watched stories from my chair
Of liberation and freedom,
Gratitude of devastation with arms wide open
Like raptor with its prey
Snaring sustenance with sharpened and darkened talons

And, on to the desert sands I kneel,
My hands broken, my eyes swollen
The smell of urine filling my nostrils
As I ready to enter unto God’s kingdom,
I say it’s rather fitting in its own way.

Ah, hell, I heard from my friends
That heaven’s streets are paved in oil
Bright and glittering as gold,
Jesus wears a suit and tie,
Shaving his beard and trimming his hair

And, on the desert sands I kneel
My body bruised, my head aching
The sun’s light bleeding over me
In wretched, dry agony.
It’s fitting in its own way.

We were greeted with sticks and stones
Bombs and mines, guns and snarling teeth
No kisses my way as believed in that lie.
The lie is my last nail.
This lie is my last nail.
This lie is my last nail.
This life is my
Last nail

And, on the desert sands I kneel
My head burning,
My eyes stinging
In wanton disbelief
It’s somewhat fitting in its own way


On the desert sands I cry
My knees melting
My body quivering
In searing belief.
It’s not fitting in its way.

On the desert sands, I fall
Cold steel against my head
Smoking powder my last smell
It’s not fucking fitting in its way.

[Lyric]

1. I can give you a general opinion, or

I can give you a full critique, with suggested improvements. Which do you prefer? :hi:

[cssmall]

2. Don't care, either.

;)

[Lyric]

4. Okay. Well to make it brief.

I think the imagery and sentiment of this piece is incredibly powerful. I like the repetition in the last lines, I love the jarring quality of "this lie is my last nail"--reminds me a bit of TS Eliot. I'd probably substitute the word "piss" for "urine", just because urine seems sterile and careful, and your poem is anything but, and it suits the tone better. I'd get rid of "sustenance"--too highbrow a word for this poem--and rewrite it something like "Like a raptor with its prey/A sharp, dark-taloned snare". I'd also rewrite "smoking powder is my last smell" with something like "the powdersmoke screaming death in my nose". Thanks for sharing!

[cssmall]

5. Thank you!

And no problem!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. WOW!

I love it......

Very powerful, very dramatic, very true......

Thank you!

:patriot:

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. It's a good start. Good imagery, some great. Good emotional push.

Too many words make it too tame, though - you have a great many chances in there for a feeling of immediacy, and lose it with excessive wordage.

A poem like this cries for terseness.

Like this, perhaps:

Sent from my home
From my daughter's arms
To desert sands
In an oasis, on my knees, blinding red sun
Fitting in its own damned way.

I watched stories from my chair
'Liberation' and 'freedom',
Devestation's Gratitude with wide open arms
A raptor's jerking prey (or use "moiling" instead of "jerking")
indurate talons rend flesh from bone to stomach

To desert sands I kneel,
hands broken, eyes swollen
piss-scent fills my nose
Girding my loins to penetrate God’s kingdom,
I say it’s rather fitting in its own way.

(skip)

On desert sands I kneel
body bruised, head aching
sunlight bleeches me (I didn't like "bleeds" here, since that's a moist thing)
wretched, dry agony.
It’s fitting in its own way.

And so on.

I think you've got a winner here!

[cssmall]

7. Thanks!

[pitohui]

8. a couple of nits

too many long words, i mean "gratitude of devastation" ??? -- as a famous editor once said, kill your darlings

also "from the arms of my daughter" is a bit pedophilish -- just doesn't sound right -- how many normal guys are in their daughter's arms, think about it, not too many