Cell-Phone Moron Syndrome

[Elidor]

1) Inability to carry on a conversation with real, live people. The phone rings constantly, trumping all fleshy creatures for the prerogatives of ethereal, disembodied voices. In the final stages, the phone is surgically implanted and always on, prohibiting even basic communication with the patient, who usually starves to death.

2) The Pause-and-Stare: Sure, you only gave your cell phone number to people you like, but that doesn't mean you actually want to TALK to any of them. The classic cell-phone maneuver in two steps - draw the phone (which invariably has the most annoying ring imaginable) and then stare dumbly at the number on the screen as though it held some deeply significant clue to the meaning of your life. Terminal cases will actually whip out a text on numerology and a slide-rule to decipher the hidden meanings.

3) Inability to acknowledge reality around you, because it would mean having to have the phone surgically removed from your neck. In the terminal stages, subjects typically range through entire shopping expeditions without ever hanging up or saying two words to anyone in the real world. Glassy eyes see only products to purchase.

4) Driving while Stupid: You know what it is. One in two of you does it regularly. Just in case the cigarette, radio knobs, kids, food, pets and oh - THE STEERING WHEEL - aren't enough to satisfy your need for stimulation, let's add a telephone to the mix, and see how well you can negotiate a major freeway interchange or a quiet residential street.

Friends don't let friends drive Stupid. This concludes this rant. I feel better now.

[blondeatlast]

1. New Year's Eve--I kid you not.

Several friends went to a great bar that plays R&B. Lots of comfy couches--it's like a great cocktail party.

Group of six comes in--yuppie scum, every one. They drink a little, talk a little, no biggie. About an hour later, they are running out of things to talk about. One takes out his cell phone. Soon, his companion calls another person. About a half hour later, all but one (she is clearly stoned) are chattering away on their cell phones like they are alone.

It was all we could do to keep from laughing in their faces. When we left, they were still talking on the cell phones, except, of course, for Miss Mary Jane.

Gad, I hate cell phones, but I have to have one (I have a serious medical condition, for which it has indeed proven useful). I despise the damn thing. I never call anyone except my husband--even then it's right to the point.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

2. I went bowling a couple of months ago

and this guy was actually bowling while talking on the damn phone.

[NightTrain]

3. I hate cell phones; they're a fucking plague!

When it comes to a point where even people in a movie theater answer their cell phones and have a conversation while the rest of us are trying to hear the film, I say it's time for action! :nuke:

[scarlet_owl]

5. Amen!

I don't have one, don't need one, and never will. When I was working as a waitress, I would have people shoo me away from taking their orders so they could talk on their phones. Like I had nothing better to do than wait for them to get done. Let's stop the insanity, people!

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

7. Hear, hear.

And like so many things in life, the proper course of action for this situation can be found within the archives of a demented webcomic:

http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp03272002.shtml

[Loonman]

17. People who answer cell phones in movie theaters

People who talk on cell phones in movie theaters should be frog-marched out of the lobby and thrown on the sidewalk.

[ramapo]

4. It's a sickness

I know people who spend hours a day on the cell. It's unbelievable. Some can't be out of touch for a moment. They can't be alone.

I have a cell basically for emergency use. The kids and wife also. But we accumulate minutes not hours in airtime.

Besides that RF radiation isn't good for your brain.

[blondeatlast]

13. Exactly. I pay for 30 minutes a month--I use around 10-15. Of course,

I despise talking o the phone anyway.

[beyurslf]

6. I went on a date....

a first date mind you... and the guy spent the entire time we waited for our food on the cell phone. While eating, he sent 4 or 5 text messages too.

Needless to say, this was our ONLY date.

[peacebuzzard]

12. I had a bad experience like that, too...

this guy I thought was perfect for me(!) after several times interacting, one date, various phone conversations, when I ran into him by chance, for a few moments... his phone rang and he answered and went on and on as if I wasn't there. I wanted to disappear I was so humiliated. But being the polite person I was, I waited til he was finished before I said I was happy to see him but had to leave. That was 4 years ago or so.

[SheilaT]

8. There's no excuse for boorishness

but a cell phone, properly used, is a godsend.

I finally got one several years ago when my kid's school couldn't reach me twice in two weeks why he needed to be sent home because he was sick. (I'm a stay at home mom which is a real misnomer because I'm never home)

The first time my phone rang, after I'd had it about a month, was when the school was needing to close because the furnace had stopped working and it was too cold to keep the kids there.

I like having it when I travel as it's easier and cheaper than phoning through the switchboards of many motels.

I always turn it off when I'm in a movie theater or in some kind of meeting where I don't want it to ring.

I don't use it when I'm driving.

I know, I'm a paragon of cell phone virtue.

[Rattlesnake]

9. What annoys me is that damned text messaging

on cell phones. If you want to talk to someone, dial up a number on your damn cellphone and talk. Why do you need to type??? And another thing...who needs instant messenger on a freakin' phone???? Talk, people! :eyes:

Addition: I also hate that stupid freaking walkie-talkie option on cell phones. What's the freaking point of that????

[no_arbusto]

11. Yeah, Nextel is beyond annoying!

I used to work in the industry so I can't really complain about cell phones in general when people use them properly. However, Nextel (and Verizon's new Push to Talk or whatever) is the worst invention ever. When I lived in Florida, for some reason, everyone had Nextel. I can't tell you how many times I was standing at the urinal in a bar, sporting event, etc. when the guy next to me gets a "Boop, boop. Honey, where are you?" "Brip, brip. I'm in the bathroom." "Boop, boop. Me too." "Brip, brip. OK, I'll meet you outside." God, I really hated Florida.

[Kellanved]

16. why ?

SMS messages are a great thing:
-way cheaper than talking (even for a few seconds), at least in Europe
-The message reaches it's target, even if the cellphone is turned off or the addressee is busy .
- less obtrusive, the message can be read and replied to; it doesn't require one to cease whatever action one is performing.
-...

[Elidor]

10. Actually, the rant was a preamble to the horrible thing that happened

today:

I've been SHACKLED to the THING!

Me! The guy who hasn't had a telephone in 7 years! I was frog-marched down to the phone co. today by my girlfriend and "encouraged" to get a cell phone. A CELL PHONE! Suddenly it seemed I was destined to become yet another mindless asshole loose and at large with a mobile stupid-machine.

I balked. I brayed. I made excuses. I faked convulsions. No dice. There was almost a reprieve when they ran my credit, and the guy behind the counter went, "Whoa!" and called the other guy over. "Dude, we gotta have an $800 deposit for one year for you!"

"Darn, honey, no phone for me after all." -

-And she whipped out her plastic and plunked it down.

I'm sitting here glaring at my new electronic tether across the room. Thanks be to god, the infernal contraption is not working properly at the moment, or I'd already be exhibiting all the classic symptoms of Cell-Phone Moron Syndrome.

I hereby promise to do only ONE annoying thing with my cell phone - I'm going to find a ringtone of Holst's "Mars, Bringer of War," and have it blare at top volume at everyone at work whose ringtone has ever made me want to throttle them.

Say a little prayer for Hardhead - it looks like I'm about to join the ranks of the clinically brain-dead. You think I'm being dramatic. This is a major lifestyle change for me, and I hate it. I'm giving up not only my independence, but my ability to thumb my nose at the world without irony. Woe is me.

[blondeatlast]

14. You can fight this!

You don't have to turn the damn thing on!

That's my weapon of choice. Never on when I'm driving; on vibrate when I'm in public (and I return the call when it's convenient for me and not an annoyance for others); never when I'm at home.

[blondeatlast]

15. We have no smoking areas; why not no cell phone areas???

It would be very simple--where you can't smoke, you can't jabber on your talkbox. Think about it; it would preclude:

theaters
restaurants
libraries (I work in one; you can't imagine how rude some people are)
malls
stores

Very simple.

This plague must be stopped, but how?

[Kellanved]

18. well, we have those

Non-phoner areas in trains and some restautants; a strict ban for Driving while phoning.

The Plague is beyond stopping anyway; (almost) everyone has a cell in Europe.