A social etiquette dilemma. What would you do?

[trof]

In the 14 years we've been here, our next door neighbors have kept to themselves. A couple about our age, mid 60s.
We wave at the mailbox or whatever, but that's about the limit of our social contact.

A few days ago their daughter came up to Miz t. at a women's club gathering.
"We're having a big birthday-christening-wedding backyard party at my folk's house Saturday. You and trof walk on over."

Call us 'old school', call us uptight and picky, but neither of us feels quite right about just strolling over without an invitation from the host couple.

Yesterday the hostess called (a VERY rare occurrence) to ask if Miz t. would mind kind of overseeing the caterers when they arrive at 11:30 today until they got home from church where the wedding and christenings are taking place.
"Did she invite us to the party?"
"Nope."

I don't want to offend them if they are just taking it for granted we're coming because the daughter invited us. But I'm also not comfortable with the situation at all.

What do you think?

[Skittles]

1. I am with you

I would not feel comfortable "strolling over" without an invitation, and I would have immediately said that to their daughter.

[trof]

6. That's kind of the plan.

Miz t. will tell her later we didn't feel 'comfortable' without an invitation from the mom.

[Lars39]

2. Doesn't Miz T have a known reputation for organization and flair in that specialty?

Sounds a little like they're taking advantage of you two. :(

[trof]

4. Actually, she DOES! Are you psychic?

Miz t. loves to do stuff like that and is very talented at it.
My take is that they're just kinda clueless on the social graces.
The topper when she asked Miz t. to come ride herd on things was "You don't have to stay. Just get them started and answer any questions and we'll be there soon."

[Lars39]

7. "you don't have to stay" Youch!

Maybe Miz T needs to have a "Normally I charge X for this kind of thing,
but for ya'll, *just this once*, I'll do it for free," conversation.

Psychic? Nope,I just remember you singing Miz T's praises on occasion. :hi:

[idgiehkt]

17. that's rude

sounds like the opposite of an invitation to me. I once had a neighbor ask me if I wouldn't mind feeding her cat while she was out of town. Unfortunately it was an unpleasant neighbor who did nothing but party all the time and keep the whole neighborhood up nights having loud parties...they even once set a bonfire in their (small) backyard and got two old cars back there some how and played demolition derby. When she came over to give me the key and directions I just said 'okay, now about my fee..." and asked the going rate for a pet-sitter and she somehow suddenly changed her mind and said she'd ask her Dad to feed them. Fine with me.

[Droopy]

3. Show up in sweats and carrying a cooler full of beer

Make sure you are drinking one of the beers when you show up.

[trof]

5. I should. I really should.

As it is, I'm just out of the shower and sitting here in my best khaki Bermudas and one of my more subdued 'formal' Aloha shirts.
Waiting for Miz t. to suss it out and see if we're really expected.
Some of these more provincial types down here you gotta cut a LOT of slack.

[trof]

8. I was in a similar situation many years ago.

We had been in NH about a year and were making new friends.
We got a second hand invitation from a friend to a big party some people we had met were having.
"Joan told me to invite you two, too."

I got on my high horse and told Miz t. that my momma didn't raise me that way and if by-god Joan wanted me to by-god come to her party she could by-god pick up the by-god phone and invite me.
by-god
We stayed home.
About 8 p.m. Joan called.
"What are you doing home? Why aren't you here?"
"Well, Joan...we did get asked to your party by Susan, but we never heard from you and I know how plans and guest lists can change at the last minute. We'd love to see you guys. Just give us a call next time."

I have to say that very early on in our relationship with our new friends we established a reputation of being a 'class act'.
Up until then, Joan had been the Queen Bee. Everybody thought she had been rude not to call us personally.
From then on, she called.

[dajoki]

9. Sounds like you just answered your own question

:shrug:

[trof]

11. Kinda, but Joan KNEW better.

She was raised veddy, veddy proper English.
I don't think this lady does.
Miz t.'s over there now.
Just looked out back and there's a big canopy up.
No activity that I can see.
All dressed up and nowhere(?) to go.

[AlCzervik]

10. poor planning on their part imo, they knew what time the caterers were showing up

and should have had that figured out already. I wouldn't go and if you did oversee the catering people and something wasn't right i'm sure you'd get an eye roll from the neighbors.

[Katina]

12. If

your wife already said she would oversee till they get there, then she can't really back out of doing that now. However, I wouldn't go over unless a direct invite came from the hostess or host.
It may be that they have assumed that you are coming (since the daughter extended an invite) and didn't think asking for you to oversee the caterers till they got home would be an imposition since you are right next door. I think it's always better to give your neighbors the benefit of the doubt. However, when your wife is finished "overseeing," she should make a point of saying goodbye to the hostess so that she can really find out if an invitation was truly extended.

[trof]

13. Yep.

I think that's what she'll do.
I know she wasn't 'dressed' for a party when she went over.
Jeans and a T shirt.

[Katina]

14. good plan on her part

that will force the hostess to say something like, "can't you stay?"

Hope it turns out well, no matter whether you go or not. It's the weekend & spring is coming...too nice to be bent out of shape over anything. :hippie:

[trof]

15. Update on the ongoing drama:

Ha.
Slow news day, as they say.

Miz t. just returned.
The neighbor wanted her to let the caterer in the house and show him where stuff was.
It's the first time she's set foot in the place, so I don't know how she was supposed to know where 'stuff was'.
When they were searching for something in the kitchen a grandson arrived and thanked her. Said he'd take over from there.

I'm out of my party cloths and back listening to NPR.
It's a beautiful afternoon.
Maybe I'll take the radio out to the hammock in the back yard.
See what the neighbors are up to.
<hee>

[Katina]

16. I think you'll both have a better time in the hammock!

enjoy the day.. :toast:

[Kali]

18. aaaauuuuggghhhhh!!!!!!!

Don't you just HATE that kind of stuff??!!!!! Do NOT get me started on my in-laws........I won't have ANY hair left.

[GOPisEvil]

19. I'm old school. If you want to invite me, invite me yourself.

The method doesn't necessarily matter, but do it yourself. Don't tell someone else to tell me. That says, "David, you're not important enough for me to tell you myself.".

Sit in the hammock and enjoy yourselves.

[trof]

20. Uh oh...it's raining.

Pouring down.
Believe me, I did not wish this upon them.
I really didn't want to go anyway. Just felt it would be polite.
IF we had been invited.
Oh lord, it's raining cats and dogs.
Good thing they got the canopy up, but it's really blowing.
Karma?