I NEED YOUR ADVICE! (re: parenting)

[Nevernose]

I'm a single dad, and I do a pretty decent job of it. I wish I had more time, money, and energy, but so do most of us.

She's seven, she's in the second grade, and she's spoiled rotten.

Anyway: I spend a lot of money on my kid's clothes (at least, a lot for me), as does her grandmother, who is apparently unable to pass a clothing store without buying her something ;-) I want her to look nice and feel good about herself, as well as simply wanting her to be well-groomed, clean, and tasteful. I also don't want her teachers to have a bad impression of her, nor do I want other kids poking fun at her. Are these things too much to ask?

The mother buys virtually no clothes for her kids (she has three; the fathers of the first two have custody, the father of the third is working on it), leaving it up to their fathers. Her apartment is filled with piles and piles of dirty clothes (she apparently has never heard of a "laundry basket"), as well as trash, dirty dishes, old toys, and just plain crap. Child Protective Services has been out to her house a few times over the years (I called them a couple of times), and she cleans it up for the one week it takes to get them off of her back.

She goes to her mother's house after school on Monday and I pick her up after school on Wednesday. Her mother also has her for four hours every other Sunday afternoon. The things shes' wearing when she comes back are incrediblly ugly and always dirty.

She comes back today with the back of her head done in "corn rows." She has short bangs, so the front is impossible to do, and the effect is bizarre. They're also not done very well. This is probably because little white girls in the suburbs don't WEAR their hair in corn rolls.

The clothes were FRIGHTENING. The pants were not "peddle-pushers," they were too damn small. The shirt was also too samll. They were both pink, though not the same shade of pink, and both had different patterns and different trim -- I used to work with the mentally handicapped, and most of them were more capable of dressing themselves than my daughter is. More importantly, they were dirty. I don't mean the kind of dirty that you get when you've played outside or spilled milk at lunch; I mean the kind of dirty that never, ever comes out, the kind of disgusting stains that are forever permanent.

I've tried to teach her, to show her, but I'm a guy: everything goes well with jeans. I'm not sure if her mother dresses her or lets her dress herself, but whatever it is, it ain't working. WHAT KIND OF FREAKING MOTHER LETS HER CHILD GO OUT OF THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THAT?!?!

On Wednesdays, more often than not, I am literally emabrrassed to be seen in public with her.

What do I do?

[Kamika]

1. Supermom Sue to the rescue

Ok I don't really have any kids but here goes.

Talk to her mom and tell her she makes your daughter look like a goddam freak

[Lydia Leftcoast]

2. Sounds like your ex is mentally ill

Can you appeal to Child Protective Services that it's dangerous to have her in charge of a child for even a couple of days a week?

[nini]

4. I agree... I'd get a visit from social services unscheduled..

You need to emphasize the surprise aspect as she's always ready to play the game if she knows they're coming. Bring a camera with you next time you pick her up or drop her off and get a couple surprise pics yourself.

You may get to supervised visits until this mom can either learn parenting skills or be taken away.

Being all fathers are getting custody.. there's real problem there.

on edit: clarification

[Snow]

3. Bit confusing here....

is th problem that your ex dresses the kid like a slob on visit days, or that the youngster really doesn't know how to dress herself...by which you mean, no fashion sense, can't handle buttons...? Any aunts on the scene?

[Nevernose]

7. I'm not sure who is dressing her

(or is that "whom?")

She's not dressd like a slob, she's dressed like a goddamned circus freak (to paraphrase another poster), and she dresses that way on school days. I suspect that not only has her mother never done laundry, she's never thrown anything away, either. She's come home wearing clothes that I bought her when she was TWO ("Mommy sayd that it used to be a dress, but now it' a shirt"); they look funny, and they're raggedy beyond repair.

The kid dresses herself. At my house, though, there is oversight: if she picks soem totally off the wall combination, I veto it. That's how kids learn to do things the right way, I think.

[SoCalDem]

5. Easy one... (Maybe)

Get her a cute little tote bag.. When you send her to her Mom's place, put a clean set of clothes..(everything..socks, underwear,shoes)and let her help you pick them out.. Tell her that these are her "Coming Home" clothes.. Make her coming home a "special weekly event".. Maybe take her to dinner at a special place she likes.. That way she will see that when she's at her Mom's , she can wear what her Mom wants her to wear, but when she comes home, she's to dress a certain way.. That avoids a confrontation with the Mom, (who DOES sound unbalanced, so it probably would not work anyway )..
7 is NOT too young for her to understand what's going on.. She probably feels very bad about it and does not want to hurt her mom's feelings, but after all she's 7 and cannot really do much about it herself..

Just casually remind her, that when she's done with the visit to Mom, she needs to shower and change into her coming home clothes, and leave the "Mom's place clothes" AT Mom's place.

edit..to add..

You might want to visit her teacher too and ask the teacher to call you , and to document the "dirty, or unkempt" appearance on the days that she goes to school from Mom's place.. You might need that extra documentation if you go to court... It could also prevent her from being teased if you know about it on Tuesday instead of Wednedsay nights.

[madrchsod]

6. OK if she`s going to school like this

the teachers should say something to you. if not ask! sounds like your x is screwing with you Thur your child. and if you think there is neg let,take her to the doctor for a check-up . Lydia was right on -if things don`t come up "clean" turn her in..but be prepared. are you the custodial parent? that makes all the difference in the world.

[lovedems]

8. You sound like me! Only I am the mom, not the dad

I would honestly have to be caught dead before I would let my boys wear character shoes that light up (no offense to the parents whose kids have character shoes that light up, it is just a matter of personal opinion!)

If it were me, I would take a change of clothes and have her change in the car or the bathroom into an outfit you find more acceptable. I am of the opinion that your children are a reflection of you. I have 4 boys (7,6,5, and 3) and believe it or not, they are all into clothes. It is important to them that they "look cool" and I don't object to them having that sense of personal pride. (I know there are those of you raising your eyebrows because "looks shouldn't matter", but when I look good, I feel good. Again, matter of personal opinion)

Take a clean pair of clothes and then take her out to dinner.

[ProudGerman]

10. no need to apologize, you're doing a good thing

Even if the only thing allowing them to "look cool" gives them is an escape from being ostricized and ridiculed for not being "cool", its still a good thing. Because at that age, not dressing up to code so to speak is a sure fire way to become targets to the other not so well raised monsters that people pass off as little humans.

You have nothing to apologize for. Take it from someone who had to suffer the slings and arrows of having a way too cheap father.

[Sal316]

9. Is this me talking to myself?

I am in the exact predicament you are. I raise my two girls (8 and 5) on my own. Their mom doesn't support them, as she can barely support herself. They visit their mom on weekends (woo hoo, such a sacrifice, one night a week!) and usually come home wearing clothes that make them look like "Bosnian Refugees" as my Mom says.

I let my kids dress themselves, but always have the final say.

If you have an idea what to do, let me know.

Just smile and tell her she's beautiful.
That's the important thing.

She'll know who takes care of her.. she'll catch on. My girls are. My 8 year old is now becoming aware of how she looks. Picture day this year was literally hell.. lol! Oy.. soon they'll be teenagers!


You could send clothes to wear, but be prepared to never get them back. Your daughter will soon become aware of how she looks... and she'll let her mom know.

Hope this mildly disjointed diatribe brings you insight! You're not the only one here suffering with an incapable ex!

[Nay]

11. It does sound like Mom is mentally ill or possibly a drug user.

I second the idea of getting the teacher's opinion on how your little girl looks on Mondays and Tuesdays, and getting Social Services involved again.

Also, a question -- what happens to the decent clothes that you send her to school in on Monday? Do they disappear, never to be seen again? If so, your ex is probably selling/consigning them for money.

[DoYouEverWonder]

12. My husbands mother used to do this sort of thing

on purpose. Whenever him and his sister went to visit their dad, their mother would dress them in their oldest and ugliest clothes. She knew that the dad, actually the stepmom, wouldn't be able to stand it and would buy them new clothes. Worked like a charm.

[cally]

13. Difficult situation

I think their mother should not allow her child to go to school like that and I agree with other posters that you should ask the teacher about it.

I also have just learned that when my children dress themselves, I'm usually embarrassed. I learned early to have some dressup clothes for those events that I cared most about. Parties, extended family gatherings, taking them to my work, etc. Otherwise I just let it go. I'm a jeans and t-shirt sort, an ardent feminist, and both my kids spent their early elementary years wearing enough pink and glitter to dazzle any Barbie doll. They even wore glitter headbands, glitter shoes, yep character shoes that lit up and they added more glitter to, and I was embarrassed. As teens now, I like their clothes now compared to the 7 year old choices. I think your child has to experiment and come to her own sense of style. I would insist on washing the clothes and just allow her to wear what she wants. As long as it's what she wants and it is not her Mom dressing her.