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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:13 AM
Original message
I feel very alone.
I feel like the old dung beetle swept in the corner at the end of "Metamorphosis." Very Kafka-esque.

Yes, I feel down. I have worked, so very hard, for the last ten years, and I feel that my hard work has yielded very little. If I'm not accepted in the PhD program for next fall, I do not know what state I'll be in at the time. I know Mr. Writer will be okay with his job situation, but it's hard to think positively at times. He has so many going to bat for him. I think he is one of those types that casts a positive vibe on others, plus he's rather adorable looking. He invites love. I really got lucky there.

I, on the other hand, think I invite hatred. I look at our large group of friends and believe that if it weren't for Mr. Writer, I couldn't experience the same friendships. I sometimes think that if I were in Mr. Writer's shoes, I wouldn't have the same support. It would be one of those, "Well, too bad for you, Writer. Good luck!" Or that I would receive assurances for assistance (like I did this year and on many occasions in the past) from someone who would never see it through.

I at least had my kind professor help me with a part of my application. Also, my entire Master's thesis committee members are kind enough to write recommendations for me to this PhD program. I share many comforts collectively with Mr. Writer (comfy house, friends, entertainment, sex), but I truly need something that offers me a sense of self. Right now, the PhD program is all I have left. I know it sounds odd, but I feel that "things" aren't working out because I'm undeserving of having joy in my life, because I am a hateable, detestable individual. It's illogical, I know, but if I were meant to experience joy in life, something - ANYTHING - would work out for me... right?
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:17 AM
Response to Original message
1. ((((( Writer )))))
Edited on Sat Dec-16-06 01:17 AM by CarolinaPeridot
I know what you mean about feeling alone. I have been crying my eyes out for the past couple of days. Last night at work I went into the bathroom and bawled like a baby in a stall for a couple of minutes. This year has been something else I tell ya. But I look at the good things like my mom getting better day by day, me getting a promotion , learning that my depression can't get the best of me and that this too shall past.

I feel like getting drunk ... now I understand why people go the bars. I don't want to drink my problems away but damn sometimes I feel I need a break.
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:22 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. You've certainly been through a tough time lately...
a friend of mine's little sister died of leukemia on Thanksgiving night. After word got around regarding Mr. Writer's layoff, this friend contacted Mr. Writer and they spoke for a while. Our friend is going through an intense state of mourning (his sister was only 28 years-old) but still offered his support to Mr. Writer. It really helped - for that moment at least - for the two of us to put our own problems into perspective.

I have been taking a medication so I have not been able to drink. This evening, Mr. Writer sneaked a swig of vodka into my drink as mercy. Yes, I do understand that need to escape it all. I do indeed.

:hug:
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havocmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:24 AM
Response to Original message
3. Hang in there... this or something better
Some have bad days, some of us have bad decades. Keep moving and you will get somewhere.

Find a professional you can work with on some cognitive stuff. Many very bright people need help to appreciate themselves.

Yes, you do deserve to enjoy life. Find support for the work you might need to tackle in getting that lesson learned. It is possible.

Been there, done that and I don't have anywhere near the life accomplishments you do.

You aren't alone. Just feels like it.

And sometimes, logic is not the problem. Sometimes anti-depressants can help get you able to learn the cognitive stuff you need to work on. A thread you might wanna check out:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

If you want to visit, PM anytime.

hm
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:29 AM
Response to Reply #3
4. I have been on anti-depressants for about four months...
and they've helped a little. They at least stop the obsessing. And I've been there, done that with therapy. I have seen so many therapists over the last twenty years that going to see a new one is now a joke. I can almost predict what they will tell me after I tell them how I'm feeling.

But yes, I know this is all illogical. I just need that hand on my shoulder from someone REAL. That assurance that everything will be all right, and that knowledge that I'm being looked after and cared about.

As an aside: I didn't get that growing up. In fact, I got the opposite. When problems strike me now, I feel absolutely alone and having to rely on myself. Mr. Writer is there always, which helps, but I'm now conditioned into this "fight or flight" reflex. Maybe I should call Cesar Millan? Perhaps he can recondition me.
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SeattleGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:30 AM
Response to Original message
5. My goodness, Writer. You need to lay the stick down.
You know, the one you're beating yourself with. I'm not making light of your feelings; I've been there myself. But I learned over time to see things of value in myself, and to appreciate those things. Yes, there are things I'm not too happy with still, but I have been able to emphasize those things I feel are my positive traits more so than the ones I think are negative.

For one thing, stop comparing yourself to Mr. Writer. He's who he is, and you are who you are. That doesn't make you inferior to him, though, just different with your own positive qualities. I am much more gregarious than my husband; he gets constant kudos for his fabulous cooking. There are other differences between us (I have a pretty good mechanical aptitude; it took me a month to teach him how to set the VCR to record! :crazy: ). We're each pretty fine with who we are.

As to your last sentence, surely you're not saying that NOTHING has worked out in your life? After all, you DID meet and marry Mr. Writer, and my guess is, that turned out to be a damned good thing!

I'm guessing that part of what is going on is that you are stressing about your application to the PhD program, as you just finished it. Can you reward yourself in some way? Go somewhere you'd enjoy? Go for a nice dinner with Mr. Writer? See if you can set the stress aside for a bit and CELEBRATE!!

And by the way, :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:37 AM
Response to Reply #5
7. You're right, certainly.
Let me offer another layer to this. I see value in myself. I see an intelligent, capable woman who needs a CHANCE to prove herself. I just think that I have failed in establishing relationships in my life where I can develop those chances for myself. I think what's underpinning is a frustration at not achieving those opportunities.

I'd so love to have a mentor who sees something valuable in me and wishes to enhance that value. To make it better so I can shine. I thought I had that this year, but that was not meant to be. Maybe I'm deluding myself as far as what is a realistic thing to expect, but I crave that more than anything else at the moment.

But yes, I know that I'm comparing myself to Mr. Writer a bit too much, and that we each have our weaknesses and strengths. Honestly, though, I consider marrying a great guy like Mr. Writer a good PERSONAL accomplishment, but not anything that taps into what makes me who I am.
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SeattleGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:42 AM
Response to Reply #7
9. I think I understand what you're saying.
There is *something* in you, yearning to get out and express itself -- that *something* being who you truly are inside. And I really understand THAT one. I found that something in myself when I was in college, and have been nurturing it ever since. Along the way, I have met people who have mentored and encouraged that part in me. Some were around but for the briefest of moments; others were around a lot longer. Each one had value, regardless of how long they were part of my life.

I also understand the need you feel for A mentor, but maybe you, like me, have a number of mentors, rather than just one.

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some guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:35 AM
Response to Original message
6. I'm sorry you're feeling down tonight
:hug:

I think if you invited hatred, your kind professor would not have helped with a part of your application.

I think if you invited hatred, your entire Master's thesis committee would not have been kind enough to recommend you for the PhD program.

I think if you invited hatred, Mr Writer would not have invited your love into his life.

Did you notice you wrote envyingly about the people going to bat for Mr Writer, and dismissively about the people going to bat for you?

I do believe you will be accepted into your PhD program, and you will excel at it. If you are not, however, you will still be the same lovely, kind, charming woman you are today. :hug:

I think you're just feeling nervous because the application is done, and there's nothing more you can do until you are accepted. Self doubt loves those moments in a person's life. :hug:

These feelings will pass, and hopefully very soon.

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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:41 AM
Response to Reply #6
8. Ah. A very astute observation.
I didn't notice this, but indeed, I do have my own folks going to bat for me. I'm not communicating with them as much, but they're still there.

I think my negative perspective on this is all just a part of conditioning. I have been conditioned to believe that I'm worthless, because I grew up with adults who constantly made me feel worthless. I know that I sound like a victim here, but despite the fact that I have risen past all of what I experienced as a younger person, I still have trouble with these types of conditioned responses to problems and perceived failings in my life.

But thank you. I honestly didn't notice what I was doing there.
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some guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:46 AM
Response to Reply #8
10. cool
now go bounce your boobies in kitchenwitch's thread, because it's still Friday where I am.

I borrowed 'em, so you can go into her thread an borrow 'em back) :P

:hi:


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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:50 AM
Response to Reply #8
11. What you said is so close to home with me .
I think my negative perspective on this is all just a part of conditioning. I have been conditioned to believe that I'm worthless, because I grew up with adults who constantly made me feel worthless. I know that I sound like a victim here, but despite the fact that I have risen past all of what I experienced as a younger person, I still have trouble with these types of conditioned responses to problems and perceived failings in my life.

Living in a household where I was ignored and only spoken to when something negative happen led me to be an overachiever.
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:23 AM
Response to Reply #11
14. Ah yes...
I think I'm the same way. An overachiever. As well as a hopeless perfectionist. When I was working on that personal statement I was concentrating so much on having perfect grammar and syntax that I completely forgot how to structure a sentence properly!

You seem to be very intelligent. And if I recall you're still in your 20's? You'll get past this, for sure. And I think you will have a bright future ahead of you, if nothing because you have every capability of making that for yourself.
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:36 AM
Response to Reply #14
18. I turned 26 years old in August.
Edited on Sat Dec-16-06 02:37 AM by CarolinaPeridot
And I am so socially awkward in some ways. I talk to people a LOT - but its takes a while for me to trust people. The only thing that gets me down is depression - and I am learning finally that its not my fault. There is something inside of me that is inching closer and closer to breaking out of the hold that depression has on me. Its like I am at the final turn in a dark hall way walking ,running faster and faster as my heart beats to life towards a hole in the darkness with light leading to the outside and on the outiside is freedom away from the depresion that has clouded over me for all of my life. :cry: :hug:
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Floogeldy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:51 AM
Response to Original message
12. You are alone.
We are all alone. It is a part of the human condition. The only cure is to reach out. Do not retreat.
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:27 AM
Response to Reply #12
16. I disagree.
I don't think we are all alone. What babe doesn't reach out when his or her mother turns for a moment? That's me. A grown babe with arms outstretched. I'm just looking for someone to grab them.
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:39 AM
Response to Reply #16
19. We are a special kind of people.
Because what you just said sounds like me too.

I feel that way too. I feel like I always have my arms outstretched.
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 01:58 AM
Response to Original message
13. I won't go into specifics, but, you know what?
I have had a number of the worst stressors imaginable occur within the last seven or eight years. They've crippled me mentally, but the air after a rain still smells as refreshing. A pretty smile still lifts my trodden spirits, and a Child's laughter is still enchanting. I'm grateful I've made it through those hardest times.
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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:25 AM
Response to Reply #13
15. Well... good!
I have at times felt the same way, but typically it was when I was in graduate school and believed that something good would come of it. I had HOPE. I now have little of that. If I could find a way to recapture those feelings, I think I'll be all right.
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:42 AM
Response to Reply #15
20. You have far too much going for you to feel that way...
Please know you are gifted far beyond so many.
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Floogeldy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:31 AM
Response to Reply #13
17. Heh.
:thumbsup: :patriot:
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:46 AM
Response to Reply #17
21. Thanks. Yep, this world is constantly trying to end us. We can but...
enjoy what we can that passes our way.
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EFerrari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 02:49 AM
Response to Original message
22. There are times when reminding ourselves that
we really aren't all that important in the larger scheme of things is helpful.

I mean, if I discorporated in the next five minutes, DU would just truck along nicely.

And that thought can free you. :)

Also, there are approximately a bunch of people who need help and while I sit here fussing, could be helped were I to redirect my energy.

I had to wait out the acceptance process at Berkeley. Don't let it trip you, Writer.

You'll be fine.

:hug:

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HCE SuiGeneris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 03:03 AM
Response to Original message
23. Sometimes it is good
to stop defining ourselves. Sometimes it is good to know that the values most important to life are kindness and respect. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves with the kindness and respect we reserve for everyone else. Sometimes we lose sight of the value of ourselves.

May you find peace in yourself Writer :hug:
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BlueIris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 05:52 AM
Response to Original message
24. I am RIGHT there with you, Writer.
Isolation sucks. But I think you're onto something when you say that you feel you are undeserving of having joy in your life and that this feeling might be contributing to your sense that things aren't working out generally. It would really help if you could start believing that you deserve happiness.
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 06:21 AM
Response to Original message
25. Oh writer I am sorry you feel alone
I don't believe for a second that you "invite hatred".
Part of this i think is the season.I bet you will be accepted in the phd program and everything will be hunky dorey.
Heck I like you!
Whats not to like?
You are funny ,smart ,and a total babe!
:)
:hug: (take it easy on yourself)
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Deja Q Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-16-06 07:07 AM
Response to Original message
26. You've got us - and especially Mr Writer and the other things you said.
Be positive about the future. And I know it's not easy. Especially when I feel those same feelings on an unrelenting, constant basis.

You are not alone.

:hug:

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