What's the difference between being polyamorous and being slutty?

[XemaSab]

I know a couple guys who define themselves as poly, and it just seems to say two things:

(1) I won't make any commitments, so any sex we have is purely casual and should be understood by you to be just that

and

(2) I will "cheat" on you and screw other people. If this bothers you, see (1).

So what gives? :shrug:

(ps this is not meant to disparage anyone who is in an alternative family arrangement, just a few stupid men I know)

[ZombieNixon]

1. Well, I'm not an expert, being neither polyamorous, nor a slut,

but from what I understand, there is a difference. I could be totally wrong on this, but I think that in a genuine polyamorous relationship, the non-monogamous aspects are sanctioned by all parties, so as long as everything is above board, then it's not considered cheating. Just my understanding. :shrug:

[bicentennial_baby]

5. Well put

In my relationship we are monogamous, just within the three of us, instead of 2. :)

[ZombieNixon]

7. I win!

:D

[gmoney]

62. does that make you "stereogamous"?

:)

[bicentennial_baby]

80. hehe, i guess so....

:P

hey you! :hi:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

19. Despite not being an expert...

you gave an excellent answer, which is far less than can be said for most posters on this thread.

:thumbsup:

[XemaSab]

24. So do you then "give your blessing" for your partner

to date other people? :shrug:

Or do they sort of announce they're going to do it and you just put up with it?

I know some people are very happy being poly, but to me it's a red flag. Maybe because I'm ignorant about it. :shrug:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

27. Well, I'm not polyamorous myself, but...

The polyamorous people I've known have actually been committed to each other. Bi_baby (a friend of mine) is monogamous within her relationship with a man and a woman. I've known another woman who was polyamorous and she was monogamous within the relationship she had with two men. In both cases, all three were committed to each other. Just instead of the commitment being between two people, it was within three.

It's hardly being "slutty" at all.

[XemaSab]

31. That's why in the OP I tried to qualify it but I think it came off badly

Some people are able to be in solid arrangements where there are more than two people, such as polygamous families. If everyone's happy, then I don't have a problem with that.

Most people, however, are not cut out for that at all.

Personally, I could see theoretically coming across a situation where I was happy with two other people. However, if I was in a committed relationship I would not continue to date random people in search of another meaningful relationship, and I'd be pissed if the person I was committed to did that too. I'm just insecure like that.

Also, if you're in a polygamous relationship, then that's what it is. If there are only two people in the relationship, then it's not polygamous.

Random, unattatched guys trying to fly the "polyamorous" flag sketches me out. It seems like trying to fly the banner of sexual orientation, when it's really the guy's way of telling you he'll cheat. :shrug:

[Nickster]

63. Makes perfect sense to me. n/t

[crim son]

2. Judgement, I believe. n/t

[Oeditpus Rex]

3. If you're polyamorous

one of the guys you're screwing is me.

If you're slutty, you're screwing everybody but me.

:popcorn:

[bicentennial_baby]

4. Um....if you have to ask, then....

Jesus H Christ....Big difference, thank you very much.

[XemaSab]

10. Sent pm

:hi:

[Lethe]

6. its the same definition as alcoholic

alcoholic - someone that drinks more than you do
slut - someone that.........etc

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

9. Wow, dumbest example ever. Yeah, seriously...what are you talking about? nt

[Lethe]

23. ?

slut is a derogative term given to someone who has more enjoyable sex than you do.
alcoholic is a derogative term given to someone who likes to drink more than you do.

it's all about words and putting other people down.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

29. How does that relate to the difference between being "poly" and being a "slut?"

:shrug:

[Lethe]

33. there is no difference

other than the intent to harm someone's feelings

[Left Is Write]

90. No difference between polyamory and promiscuity?

[Squeech]

48. Wrong

There is such a thing as alcohol addiction-- the alcoholic's metabolism has been warped to the point of requiring a certain amount of alcohol to function. It's as much of a disease as, say, diabetes. Getting healthy involves a painful withdrawal period where things like liver function have to return to normal. Brain endorphin pathways may never return to normal.

We speak of "sex addicts," but it's not a metabolic condition, it's a psychological fixation. Yeah, there are unknown links between brain chemistry and behavior/attitude, but we've actually seen and measured dopamine uptake anomalies in alcoholics (as well as the known liver function problems), and I'm not aware of any comparable work on the oversexed (other than the oxytocin theories promulgated by Dr. Keroack, which is wildly unlikely to hold up under peer review...)

[Sapphocrat]

21. As I recall...

...it was Trent Lott who compared homosexuality to alcoholism... and kleptomania.

Just sayin'.

[KitchenWitch]

8. Here is my definition

Poly = all parties are aware of the polyamorous behavior/arrangement.

Slutty = The "polyamorous" person has not been entirely up front about their desire to be polyamorous, therefore other parties are in the dark about their behavior.

[XemaSab]

11. But why would someone be up front about that?

Why would anyone go into a relationship planning on screwing other people? :shrug:

[KitchenWitch]

13. Who knows

But if I were single, and considering dating someone, I would certainly wish to know the other party's intentions as far as that goes, so I could make a decision about whether I was comfortable with such an arrangement.

[Common Sense Party]

12. So, a person can only be "slutty" if they are in a nominally

committed relationship and they seek sweaty snugglebunnies outside that relationship?

That sounds like a definition of "cheater."

I've known slutty "unattached" people.

[XemaSab]

14. I guess a lot of it depends on what you consider "committed"

What i'm saying in the OP is that getting into a "relationship" where the other person is free to date around doesn't sound very committed. :shrug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

39. not necessarily true...a lot of people i know identify as slutty...and everyone they are sleeping

with knows this...

[Fleshdancer]

15. emotion....for those who truly are poly

When I think of a slut, I think of someone who enjoys having many sexual partners for the sake of having sexual variety. It has very little to do with bonding and connecting with another human being on any other level other than sex.

Polys, on the other hand, are open to the idea of connecting in all ways with more than one person at any given time. Polys tend to be interested in the friendship, love and sex, not just the sex.

[XemaSab]

17. I don't care if the guys I date

have friendship and affection for other people, but when they have sex with other people I get irritated.

I'm sure most people feel that way.

So "poly" may be, on the surface, about exploring other people in a variety of ways, but below the surface it sounds like code for someone who wants to sleep around.

Do you know many polys? How does this jibe with your understanding?

[Sapphocrat]

25. May I ask you about that?

Not attacking, and not setting you up, I swear.

You say, "I don't care if the guys I date have friendship and affection for other people, but when they have sex with other people I get irritated."

What catches my attention is that that is the exact 180 of how I feel. See, I could forgive (with a lot of work) my other half for having sex with somebody else -- but when emotion enters into it (not necessarily just "friendship and affection"), that's another story.

So, you make me curious: How would you feel about your partner going the whole nine yards emotionally, and falling in love -- or just having feelings that are something beyond mere friendship -- with somebody else, even if they never have sex?

[XemaSab]

32. I know, as soon as I posted that I realized that it's probably

more situational than that. If the guy I was involved with fell in love with someone, I'd be pretty hurt by that.

At any rate, I'd never get involved with someone who said they were polyamorous for those very reasons.

But am I making a snap judgement?

I really don't think I am.

[Sapphocrat]

35. Eh, you could call it a snap judgment, or not...

...but I think initial reactions are the most truthful -- it's one's gut talking.

Me, no, I (believe I) couldn't get involved with someone who was polyamorous from the outset, either -- although I would appreciate the up-front honesty. That doesn't mean I condemn such arrangements either, but I (think I) know what's not for me.

All those parenthetical qualifications mean: I think I know what I think I know -- but one never knows until one's confronted by it.

[Fleshdancer]

30. I do think more people are monogamous than not....

so it certainly makes sense that most people are bothered by the idea of a lover having another lover. However, what if you also loved this hypothetical third person as well?

Polys are, by definition, not monogamous people though and while the idea of having more than one sex partner could be the reason someone becomes curious in polyamory, it isn't what keeps them there. We all know good relationships take a lot of hard work and adding more people to the mix adds that much more work to the equation. If someone is only interested in having sex with multiple partners, then a poly relationship would be the absolute worst idea.

I don't know a whole lot of polys but the ones I do know decide to enter into this type of relationship structure by choice (as opposed to odd religious beliefs) and the groupings tend to be small...usually just three people.

If someone says he's poly, then I would recommend believing him and chalk it up to being relationship incompatible. Someone attempting to change a poly is just as bad as someone trying to change a mono. Nothing good can come from it.


on edit: accidentally wrote "polygamy" when I meant "polyamory"

[La Lioness Priyanka]

56. you may personally get irritated but many people dont care or enjoy the freedom

also polys have emotional relationships of a sexual/romantic nature with other people...which are a different set of emotions from friendship

[Tyrone Slothrop]

91. "Many people don't care"???

Who are you hanging out with???

Nearly every person I've ever known who's been cheated on has gone off the deep end with rage/jealousy/etc.

In my entire lifetime, I think I've met two people who claimed that they wouldn't care if their mate/partner/spouse cheated.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

92. However, if everyone involved is aware of the situation then it's not cheating.

The term is "ethical slut."

[bicentennial_baby]

93. Great Book!

Everything you need to know about being Poly, and then some :D

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

95. this is not about cheating...its about people being very upfront about what they do and dont do.

[mykpart]

16. Don't say "slut."

And don't say "nympho." It's "hypersexual." :)

[XemaSab]

18. I'm realizing now that maybe the term "player"

would have been a better choice.

Still looking for a nonsexist term for psycho hose beast. :D

[La Lioness Priyanka]

40. she is being gender inclusive..not just pointing to women and saying slut

nympho is a strictly female slur that has no male equivalent

[unpossibles]

65. well, technically the male version would be a "satyr"

but that is not usually seen as a negative by our society, so doesn't really count.

it sucks, but most people see:
woman who sleeps around irresponsibly = slut
man who sleeps around irresponsibly = stud

not fair at all, and I am not saying I agree with those definitions, just that I have noticed them.

And to get back to the OP, I think the difference to me is that someone who sleeps around with little thought of the consequences falls into the "slut" (of either sex) category.

Most poly relationships that I'm familiar with, can even be between 2 people who are open minded about other potential partners, but not just in a "let's get our freak on this weekend" but in seeing the reality that humans in a relationship are going to occasionally be attracted to another person, and that if everyone is honest about it, it doesn't have to be a big deal. In other words, even if they have a SO, the relationship is not ruined by jealousy and deceit if/when one or both of them crushes on someone else. That third person might be a potential partner or a fling, but they believe that everyone should know the facts up front. Sometimes the SO has a veto power as well.

[Sapphocrat]

20. Anyone want butter?

:popcorn:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

22. Only if it's real. I worked in a movie theatre and trust me...

you DO NOT want to eat that "butter flavoring."

[Sapphocrat]

26. Ugh! So did I.

I promise you, the butter is not only the real thing, but the popcorn is fresh-popped. You know about pre-popped, I'm sure, and the varmints that get into it for the four to six weeks before the next delivery. :puke:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

28. Actually, ours was always fresh-popped, at least.

[FuzzySlippers]

34. Do I have to point out the obvious?

When men do it, it's polyamorous. When women do it, it's slutty.

:eyes:

[XemaSab]

36. Well then you answered my question:

both of the "polys" I've known were men. :eyes: :eyes:

[lukasahero]

46. Ding ding ding - we have a winner!

Thank you - that was the first thought that entered my mind and was only reinforced when it was noted that the people considering themselves "poly" were men. (I don't, however, believe that was the intent of the OP, rather, of the men in question.)

[sniffa]

37. oi oi oi

shouLd i reaLLy subject myseLf to reading the rest of this thread?

your originaL post is highLy offensive. you couLd have asked without the judgementaL putdown.

maybe the term you're seeking is, 'swinger'

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. whats wrong with being slutty or poly if you are honest about it?

also poly folks often have emotional relationships with their partners...

poly folks are generally capable of having multiple emotional relationships.


and sluttiness is just a term for sexual behavior

[sniffa]

41. weLL...

i'm offended (obviousLy) by reLating the two.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

44. i am too...but part of why i am is because slutty is used in a very perjorative sense

clearly whomever is being referred to is being honest and upfront about their sexual behavior. and i dont see the wrongness in that.

that being said, i dont think your relationship is in anyway slutty.

i also dont think its any "less than" a non-polyamorous relationship.

:loveya:

[REP]

42. Polys Tend To Be Committed Trios, Not Casual

Of course there are always exceptions, but the the people I know who define themselves as poly are in committed, long-term relationships that are trios instead of couples. Some have ended up as couples - just as some couples end up as singles.

Someone who wants a casual relationship and is upfront about it - well, what's wrong with that? Slut is kind of an ugly term; there are more appropriate ones for people who say they're in for one thing and do another (cheaters, liars, assholes, etc).

[buddhamama]

43. i am confused really with the term 'slut'.

what makes someone a 'slut'? having sex outside of a relationship? if someone enjoys sex and the other party/parties are OK with the unattached casualness of it,
consenting adults and all that, why would be the term be applied?

People have sex. People enjoy it! And some don't need nor want a committed relationship to engage in it. As long as everyone is honest and safe (re:respectful) with their partners, I say: Have fun!

[Debbi801]

45. The poly families I have known in real life...

are as committed as a traditional monogamist family. All members are honest and upfront with each other. The couples I know also live together in one house.

It isn't about casual sex.

[eyesroll]

47. Poly = Someone who seeks, has, or is otherwise interested in multiple relationships.

I know a few people who identify as poly, and tend to want relationships (emotional and physical) with more than one person. Some people, like bibaby and the sniffas (well, from what I can tell about them from reading their posts on the Internet :D), are committed to each other in a triad, but are exclusive within that. Some have two or more partners but the partners may not know or be involved with each other. Some people in poly relationships might have a primary (a spouse or life partner) and one or more secondary partners (a good friend, a girl/boyfriend/etc), and sometimes, the primary might get "veto" over any secondary partners ("I'm uncomfortable with you dating someone I work with," for instance). (Consent is key. If someone has two partners but doesn't tell the two partners they're not the only one, THAT's not polyamorous, or at least that's an unfair interpretation of it, because if you don't know you're involved non-monogamously, you can't consent to it.) Polyamory doesn't have to involve "promiscuity" at all.

Swinger, lifestyler, etc. = People who seek out multiple sexual partners, usually without the emotional involvement ("friends with benefits" at best). Swingers tend to be (but are not always) in committed relationships, but seek out other partners, often with their primary partner involved (at parties, partner swapping, group sex -- it varies from person to person, of course). Again, consent is key -- if, say, one party decides to swing but drags the other along kicking and screaming, that's manipulative at best and coercion/rape at worst; if one party decides to swing but neglects to tell the other party, that's not swinging -- that's cheating.

Open relationship = People who are in committed relationships but are free to sleep with other people. This can have aspects of polyamory or of swinging. The couple of people who I've met who've said they were in open relationships meant they could basically date or sleep with other people, without specifically informing or involving their partner. I should add that the people who I've met in this situation never actually acted on the open relationship -- the option was available to them, though.

Because people are different, each arrangement is different. Consent and communication are key.

"Slut" is either a term someone external to a situation uses to disparage that situation or the people in it, or a term someone uses (for self-deprication, for empowerment, for a multitude of reasons) to describe themselves.

Your "1" just sounds like what you said -- a casual relationship -- and your "2" sounds like a jerk. Everyone has the right to monogamy if they want it, to non-monogamy if they don't, but nobody has the right to force their choice onto an unwilling or uninformed partner.

[XemaSab]

51. This is a good explanation.

Thank you.

[bicentennial_baby]

49. If you really want to know...

"Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being open to having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The word is often used more broadly to refer to relationships that are not sexually exclusive, but there is disagreement on how broadly it applies (for example, many people contend that swinging is not polyamory). Persons who consider themselves open to or emotionally suited for such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly."

and much more.... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

While you say you're not trying to disparage those of us who are living this life, your act of equating the two is offensive in and of itself. How about asking people about what it means to be poly, and leave the slut issue out of it? Calling people slutty is a judgement, and how can you judge those that you know nothing about?

[XemaSab]

54. I'm really sorry?

:hide:

I don't know you in real life, but it sounds like you are a stable family. You're all committed to each other.

Whereas both of the guys I've met who claimed polyamory, that sounds like chaos and a way to not really be committed. I guess I'm just really cynical towards men trying to justify cheating behavior, and I don't know how to approach that in my head.

Sorry I didn't ask you first, but I wanted some different opinions on the topic.

[gmoney]

68. The guy is trying to use "polyamorous" to smokescreen his behavior

He's probably a swinger/player type, but knows those terms will alienate a lot of women, but "polyamorous" has "amour" in it, so maybe he thinks that will sound "romantic" to someone who doesn't think to much about it. As has been pointed out above, "polyamory" is a relationship between all the people involved, not one guy running multiple "scams" on several women who do not know the others exist.

Translation of his position: "I want to sleep with you on a regular basis until I become bored with you, but I will sleep with anyone else I can, including your friends, family, coworkers, my exes, and strangers I meet in bars or online. You will be my backup booty call if I don't manage to score on a particular night, or I'm too lazy to go out. I don't want you asking where I've been or who I've been with if you don't see me for a while. I will also lead you to believe we are in a relationship so I can sponge off you, and in the hopes that you will do my housework, cook me meals, lend me money, and NOT sleep with other guys while I'm out trying to score. Also, I may claim that our 'relationship' entitles me to have unprotected sex with you, and you'll probably get the clap or worse."

You deserve better, Xemasab. :D

[swimboy]

50. Past experience is not a predictor of future results

Package is sold by weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred.

Don't project, sweetie. It is a really big world out there full of capacities you may not share. Live and let live and avoid conflating wholly different things. Anytime a post includes an apology for what you do NOT mean to say, well, that should serve as a caution it should NOT be said.

[JVS]

52. It's like Lenin says, you just look at the one who benefits and....you know

[xchrom]

53. ''slutty'' -- didn't that term go out with the dark ages?

like you know -- black cats and bad luck -- evil eye -- and crap like that?

[yellowcanine]

55. Actually "slutty" is a very good term, either in casual conversation or in

biology. Everyone knows exactly what you are talking about.

[xchrom]

57. yeah -- if you're busy body -- w-a-a-a-y too worried about

somebody elses business other than your own.

and it's a great way to minimize another human being -- right up there with sewing scarlet letters on peoples clothes that you want to socially condemn.

to use that term with any seriousness is backwards and stupid.

[yellowcanine]

58. Lighten up. One can use the term for more than just gossiping about people.

It can be used to characterize a pet cat who will flirt with perfect strangers. Who said anything about being serious?

[sniffa]

59. the way it's used in this thread

is not in a siLLy manner.

[hedgehog]

60. Easy - Use it in a sentence correctly - for example:

I'm polyamorous,you're a slut.

[Dastard Stepchild]

61. Wine and beer...

Polyamourous people drink good wine and then screw prodigiously.
Sluts drink beer and then screw prodigiously.

(Disclaimer: Results based on totally biased, nonrepresentative sample. Margin of error way to excessive to offer any real scientific merit. Use results at your own risk.)

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

64. the men you are referring to are NOT polyamorous.

Being polyamorous means that you are in a relationship with 3 people, instead of 2 for example, at once, with all three loving every member of the triad. Its a commitment to 2 other people instead of one.

The guys you are referring too are just whores who don't want to commit.

[sniffa]

66. indeedy

:loveya: :loveya:

i was just having this conversation 1 week ago - and that the peopLe who cLaim to be poLy when they're reaLLy just swingers, give poLys a bad name.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

69. very sad but true...

:hug:

:loveya:

[jonnyblitz]

72. i don't see anything wrong with sluts either, though...

:shrug:

[SmileyBoy]

67. The day has come to an end... The sun is over my head...

My polyamorous friend
You got me in a mess of trouble again

So,
Just when you think that you're all right
I'm crawling out from the inside
I never hurt anyone
I never listen at all

They've come to get me again
The cloud is over my head
My polyamorous friend
You got me in a mess of trouble again

So,
Just stay away from the white light
I'd say your worst side's your best side
I never hurt anyone
I never listen at all

Just stay away from the white light
I'd say your worst side's your best side
I never hurt anyone
I never listen at all


Well how do you know?
Well how do you know?
Well how do you know?
Well how do you know?

Just stay away from the white light
I'd say your worst side's your best side
I never hurt anyone
I never listen at all
Let's go...

[Alexander]

70. A "slut" is a polyamorous individual with an STD?

Just a guess.

:shrug:

[sniffa]

71. ...

:puke:

[bicentennial_baby]

73. i thought you'd like that about as much as i did...

Whew! Good thing we're clean, eh? 'Cause if we weren't we'd be Sluts! the horror! :o

:eyes:

:loveya:

[Alexander]

76. Good heavens, I was being facetious. Chill the fuck out.

Honestly, you can't say two words here on DU without the morality police jumping down your throat, even if it's in jest.

:eyes:

[Alexander]

74. I said "just a guess". It's not like I use either term.

The way I framed it was also reminiscent of the phrase

"A 'faggot' is a homosexual gentleman who has just left the room."

I don't believe either phrase, but that seems to be the socially acceptable standard, in both cases.

Relax.

[bicentennial_baby]

75. Wtf are you talking about?

Seriously.... :wtf:

[Alexander]

78. Socially "acceptable" differences in terminology?

I find the word "slut" to be derogatory and unacceptable.

However, many do not.

I was making a semi-serious attempt at getting inside the heads of those that do, to figure out what, exactly, they mean.

Chill. The fuck. Out.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

77. The "socially acceptable standard?"

What. The. Fuck?

:wtf:

[Alexander]

79. "Socially acceptable" doesn't mean I find it acceptable.

Didn't I make it clear enough, that I never use the words "faggot" or "slut"?

Nice to see we have a bunch of mind-readers here, though.

:wtf:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

81. I'm sorry.

How silly of me to call somebody on an unclear and offensive comment.

[Alexander]

83. So I guess the smileys don't work for you?

I thought the "shrug" smiley, like this :shrug: meant something like "Damned if I know."

Well, that's just it. Damned if I know the difference. I also thought the text "Just a guess" would make that clear. I suppose smileys and plain english isn't clear enough for you?

How about I make a disclaimer at the end of every post, in nice big letters, detailing how serious I am? Would that be better for you?

I was criticized earlier for not including smileys in sarcastic and facetious comments. Now that I actually use the smileys, I see the criticism remains.

:wtf:

[ThomCat]

82. Polyamory vs Slut

Polyamory: A loving relationship with two or more people, but strictly and faithfully with those individuals.

Slut: Someone who looks for sex with any available person who meets their basic standards, whatever those might be.

It seems to me that the big difference is that one is a relationship and involves love. The other is not a relationship and does not involve love. HUGE difference.

[sniffa]

84. thank you muchLy

:hug:

[ThomCat]

89. I'm not sure I deserve any thanks for stating the obvious.

But you're very welcome anyway. :)

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

85. the difference between sniffa and me.

[bicentennial_baby]

86. ha!

:loveya:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

87. that was a good one, right?

bet you someone will use this in some weird attack against me in a few weeks...

still i think its true and funny.

[bicentennial_baby]

88. of course they will

but yes, i agree....a good one indeed :thumbsup:

[Raffi Ella]

94. after reading through the thread

I see the answer I was gonna give is already here,So!I agree with You,that the word player sounds like a better description of the guy you're dealing with.