A guy tried to ask me out at work today.

[LeftyMom]

He's nice and I really don't want to hurt his feelings. I managed to duck the question but I work with him again tomorrow, so somehow I have to let him know that I'm not on the market. I really wouldn't mind being his friend at all, he's a really really nice guy, but I know "you're a nice guy, let's be friends" is just about the worst thing you can say to a guy short of pointing at his junk and laughing. Is there a way to gently clue him in that I'm not interested in him that way without hurting him? After all, I work with him most every day. (Oh, and there's no inappropriate workplace pressure angle, this is somebody in another department who is at the same level as me, not a supervisor or something.)

[NuttyFluffers]

1. drop a hint about your significant other.

like, "my 'xyz' and i are planning to go here this weekend. i think it'll be fun. what're you doin' this weekend?" if they pursue after that then you can be more direct because all they are looking for then is some foolin'.

[LeftyMom]

4. I guess I could mention being excited about him visiting

Less than two weeks! :woohoo:

Damn it, why do men have to make this shit difficult? A woman would have scouted the terrain, asked a few mutual friends, determined there was an SO and backed off with the potential date none the wiser.

[Omphaloskepsis]

8. Why waste the time with the PI.

Simply tell the truth. We are boys, it comes with the territory. Ya know, ask 100, make love to one.

[Syncronaut Seven]

39. Odds are better than that.

Very big grin!

[LostinVA]

15. That's the perfect way to handle it

Or, say it to a friend of his at the office.

And yup, most women "scout" it out first...

[WCGreen]

38. Show him his Arms....

That'll stop him from flirting....

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

2. why can't you just say you're seeing someone already?

I mean, thats no reflection on him whatsoever and the truth

:hug:

[LeftyMom]

3. I can't shake the feeling that's a bit of a cop-out.

Sort of seems like using him to solve my problems, which bugs me because I have an independent streak.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

6. but isn't that the simplest way? I don't think its

using him to solve your problems...its already your situation. I feel like most other excuses are cheesy, this is just a fact, lol.

[LeftyMom]

7. I guess it's the gentlest way.

Provided I don't bust out a picture and give the poor kid a complex.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

10. LOL

thats thinking

[Boojatta]

16. If the truth is that you would say "no" even if you had no significant other

then why not put a price tag on the information? "For fifty dollars, I'll give you a one paragraph written statement that says why I'm not interested."

[ThomCat]

28. It's not a cop-out if it's true.

Telling a guy that you're already seeing someone and happy in that relationship is the fastest and easiest way to get the message across.

[Phentex]

12. I like it for exactly that reason....

it doesn't say anything about him being a nice guy, etc.

It *is* the truth and it does not seem hurtful to say it.

[leftofthedial]

5. point at his junk and cry

[Robb]

27. Beat me to it. nt

[BlueIris]

9. "Oh...no, thanks."

5{ot to stop feeling guilty about rejecting men's advances, appropriate and especially inappropriate ones. We're allowed to say no to men. It's not a crime. If you're not interested and/or not available then your not, and that's no big deal. Don't feel guilty about politely declining to socialize with this person. You're both grown-ups and you can both deal with it.

[billyskank]

11. Just tell him sweetly that you have a boyfriend

he'll be bummed out and all, but it's a perfectly reasonable reason, and he shouldn't be offended.

[Ellen Forradalom]

13. Just tell the truth.

Thank you, but:
I'm not on the dating market
I have a boyfriend
I'm not looking to date

Like that. Just use words other than the cliche "let's be friends."

[flvegan]

14. What's his name, and what dept does he work in?

Just kidding.

[LeftyMom]

17. You know, my evil side is trying to think of somebody at work I don't like right now.

:evilgrin:

[Nikia]

18. You have to be firm in rejecting him

I have found that some men take anything less than a strong definite no to mean "Maybe, if you try harder."

[Shell Beau]

19. Just tell him that you have a boyfriend but that you are flattered.

[RetroLounge]

20. Just show him a picture of flvegan's arms

Kid will soil himself and leave you alone after that...

:9

RL

[mac56]

21. Please, please, please avoid "Let's just be friends"

and also "I'm flattered, but........"

More sadness and angst have been caused by speaking those two little phrases than you could ever fathom.

[some guy]

22. "Thank you, no."

end of discussion. A man should understand and be able to accept no. A boy might not get it, but you wouldn't want to date a boy, anyway.

If he asks why, point out that you didn't snoop around in his personal life to ask him why he wanted to ask you out, and that he should have the same consideration for you.

:hi:

[idgiehkt]

26. what ever happened to good old fashioned kindness?

"thanks, but I'm seeing someone."

:shrug:


kids today...

[petronius]

23. It's better if you don't duck the question in the first place - just a clear, polite,

and firm "No" is what most guys need. In general, I think men and women approach these things a lot differently - women go for subtle signals and interpreting the nuances of behavior, and so on, whereas guys prefer a straight-up question and answer. It's depressing sometimes to look back at all the signals I missed over the years where I'm sure the girl thought she was displaying the equivalent of a 10' neon sign, but if she'd simply said "Hey, I like you" I'd have gotten the hint.

The same is true for rejection - if you duck and weave and leave the guy hoping (in an attempt to spare his feelings) he'll just end up brooding and dreaming and ultimately getting angry. Analogy: if a dog tries to hump your leg, and you whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say "NO! Bad dog! Get down!" does it give him a complex or damage his ego? Of course not - he gets the message and five minutes later he's perfectly happy playing catch with you out in the backyard. Guys are a lot like that...

[bullwinkle428]

24. I've been rejected plenty of times, and still, "I'm not quite dead"!

Any reasonably mature man knows that it's not some earth-shaking event that's going to destroy him, but just another minor bump in the road that's dealt with quickly, and then you move on. I still have to give myself that pep talk and an ass kicking when I drift towards the occasional sea of self-pity, but I'm getting better about that as I get older...

[BeFree]

25. You're not on the market?!?!?

Geez, you could have just told me that. Just said that you have a girlfriend, or whatever.

Instead you leave me fantasizing about the end of our first date..... Wanna hear it?

[Fleshdancer]

29. What I say when the guy is nice:

"If I wasn't in a committed relationship right now, I would take you up on your offer in a heartbeat."

[Dangerously Amused]

30. Why on earth would you *not* mention that you already have a boyfriend???

[billyskank]

31. Given that it's the least crushing let down of all

Doesn't make any sense, really. :shrug:

[LeftyMom]

33. I try not to talk about my private life at work when it's avoidable.

I've only mentioned having a boyfriend to anybody at work in the context of why I'm taking some time off. It's work, I really don't want to tell anybody my life's story, I find that sort of thing to be unprofessional. Anyhow, I've only been there two weeks, and there's generally not a lot of time to talk to people, even those in my own department.

FWIW, the guy was nice to me but didn't mention it or flirt today, so I'm thinking either somebody clued him in or he's decided I'm not interested.

[skygazer]

32. If you don't want to hurt his feelings, don't duck the question

Why do people make this so complicated? Saying, "Thanks, I'm seeing someone" in no way makes your significant other the solution to your problems - it's simply telling the truth which is the best policy. When you're not seeing someone but you're still not interested, simply say, "Thanks but I'm not interested." Every man I know agrees on this - friendly but clear. Guys don't want to have to guess at meanings and they don't want to waste a lot of time only to discover that a woman is not interested. Just be honest.

[astral]

34. If you're in a committed relationship with somebody

it seems odd you would want to keep it a secret. If you happen to just be seeing somebody right now but not feeling too committed about it and don't want to be branded as being 'taken,' well that's another story.

But either way, if you want to just say no thank you, you are not obligated give a reason. You don't have to be "in the market" or "not in the market," you are simply declining a date.

[LeftyMom]

35. Hardly a secret. Hell, 90K DUers know all about it. It's internets searchable.

I just don't really talk about my private life at work. I got burned on that once (not on a relationship issue at all, something else entirely, but I learned that the best thing to do is shut up and do my job.)

[NNadir]

37. Tell him that you are well armed and been armed since leaving prison.

Tell him that it isn't a problem most of the time as long as you take your medication as required under the terms of your court supervised release, but that sometimes you are forced to go off them because of the interactions with the medications for the highly contagious fatal diseases for which you are an asymptomatic carrier.

Explain that the murders were not really your fault and anyway, that the investigation of at least two of them didn't establish your involvement conclusively. Reassure him that you have not felt like you did "the first time these questions came up" in several weeks, except of course, when you are in the throes of the type of violent dream you had last night.

Also indicate that if your mother and uncle are ever released, you expect that one or both of them will get married to John Hinckley - with whom each fell in love while hospitalized - and that necessarily they will have to come live with you with their new husband.

Ask him if he thinks he can defend you from your 2 meter tall psychotic possessive ex-lover and also ask if he has any experience in disarming high explosive devices.

If you don't do these things, he may not take the hint. Trust me, I'm a guy and I know about how guys interpret attempts by women to let them down easy. It is best to be clear. I guarantee you he will survive your rejection. He may even be relieved about it.

[Lautremont]

36. Pretend you don't speak English.

This always works!

[Skittles]

40. tell him you don't fish off the company pier

no INDEED