Have you ever cheated on your spouse/partner/gf/bf?

[Deja Q]

Poll question: Have you ever cheated on your spouse/partner/gf/bf?

This means being intimate with somebody else while you are already partnered with somebody you claim is special.

[MrCoffee]

1. current, former, or either?

my answer would be different, depending.

[Deja Q]

3. Either.

Though if it's only "former" then it's not as bad. :evilgrin:

(I can't think of anything worse than anybody cheating on me. Fortunately, I needn't bother; everybody 'round here knows why! :spray: )

[ZombieNixon]

2. Not just "no,"

but HELL NO!!

[TimeChaser]

6. Second that

I can't even imagine it. It's not in my nature.

[bertha katzenengel]

10. Third. n/t

[skygazer]

4. No, it always seemed like so much work

I could never understand people who carried on more than one relationship all the while trying to keep them secret from each other. It's so much work just to sustain one relationship!

The one time I was tempted, I sat down with my then-husband and told him that I was tempted. He was shocked and surprised but glad I told him rather than just going off and doing something about it. There ensued a strange period when I was weighing the merits of two guys who were in love with me and with whom I was pretty sure I was in love. Both knew what I was doing. In the end, I opted to stay with my husband.

I'm still friends with both of them.

[Redstone]

24. Yes, yes. That's one reason why Mrs R is safe: I'm lazy.

Redstone

[NewWaveChick1981]

5. I voted.

My answer is up there. :)

[Deja Q]

7. I'm not looking for names to go along with the votes!

:D So I'm glad you didn't.

Wouldn't care either way; other peoples' lives are their own.

I only know about my life... well, my existence at any rate. :7

[LadyoftheRabbits]

8. No.

Never will. I don't think I have it in me if I *tried*.

[bertha katzenengel]

9. In the words of my dear friend Rose,

Oh, HELL, no.

[idgiehkt]

11. no, not yet

hope never to but I always remember what Zimmer Bradley wrote in "The Mists of Avalon": never name the well from which you will not drink.

If I ever was in an 'open' relationship I still wouldn't countenance spontaneous hooking up I don't think. Stuff would have to be discussed ahead of time and terms agreed on.

[flvegan]

13. Yeah? Open mindedness is good.

So what's up? How you doin? Sure do look sexy in the light of this thread and all...

*insert really, really bad porno music here*

[idgiehkt]

14. what,

no paragraph?

[LeftyMom]

16. Don't worry, next week he's going to the

vet. In the meantime, use the squirt gun if he needs it. :eyes:

[idgiehkt]

17. roflmao

can I use one of those super-soakers???

I've always wanted to try one out...

[LeftyMom]

18. Be my guest.

Of course you coud get a firehose out and do your best segregationist southern sherrif inpersonation and it still wouldn't do any good, but it's probably theraputic.

[flvegan]

21. Oh, she's got a firehose out already...

I'm just waiting for her to come...to terms.
*bow chicka bow bow*

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

42. ...

:spray:

I wish I could nominate a single post.

[BarenakedLady]

15. "bow chicka bow wow"

you mean like that? lol.

[flvegan]

22. Exxxactly!

[FoxOnTheRun]

12. the girl cheated on her boyfriend, not me

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. Since you define cheat as "being intimate", then yes; but on the other

hand my partner knows and supports those intimate relationships, even with my women friends, and I support her intimate relationships, and neither of sees those as "cheating". Hopefully we all have intimate friendships with others outside of our significant other.

But I've never cheated in the sense of having sex/intercourse or even sexual touching, kissing, or sexual physical contact with someone else, or otherwise doing anything which breaks the relationship covenant, which is how I define cheating.

[Redstone]

20. Never.

Though, I may say, it's a bit more difficult to do so after finding DU and the ladies therein.

But I'll manage.

Redstone

[mwdem]

29. You're a good man, Redstone.

I think a lot of us look up to you.

[Redstone]

38. I'm touched to hear that. Nice to hear something positive on a night

when DU has lost two of its own.

Redstone

[mwdem]

41. It's been a sad 24 hours here.

You are the face of calm.

[Redstone]

43. On the face, but not inside. See this:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

Lot of anger and sadness and pain tonight. Thank you again for your compliment. It's always nice to have this kind of direct conversation with a DUer.

Redstone

[mwdem]

44. Poop! couldn't open it.

what's up?

[mwdem]

46. Couldn't open it,

so glad to have this conversation. I did buy a few of those recipe books last year, and my friends loved them! I do miss the East Coast. (Living in Texas now, I can italicize that).

[Redstone]

50. Dang it, the "permalink" didn't work. Try finding it n this thread:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x5667558

And thanks for your effort to do so.

And

[mwdem]

68. Found it, and got it!

Thanks! You're always a kinda ray of sunshine! (if you know what I mean).

[Redstone]

69. May I add you to the list of people for whom the beer is on me

if / when we ever meet? (of course, "beer" in this case may be interpreted as anything from a bar-standard Whit Zin to a full-blown Patrone Mango Margarita, or even a Coke if you don't imbibe).

No questions, no judgements, no limits.

Us being on the same side is enough.


Redstone

[mwdem]

71. I'm so flattered.

...maybe a Bombay Sapphire, icy, 2 olives, totally shaken (I hope Rabirrrrrr appreciates my taste, if not, oh well). If, and I hope I will be there, I'm up your way, I'll let you know. If you ever come out to the Dallas area, for any reason, let me know. I so do appreciate you.

[LeftyMom]

23. No.

If I valued somebody that little, I'd go ahead and break up with them instead of lying and dragging out the inevitable.

[qnr]

25. No, and I couldn't conceive of it ever happening. n/t

[Shine]

26. No, nor would I.

:thumbsdown:

[LaurenG]

27. no I haven't

:hi:

[plcdude]

28. would you consider

masturbation as cheating?

[Random_Australian]

30. Does 'never in a relationship' mean that you have only been with

someone other than the one you claim is special to when you were not in a relationship with them but still have them on your mind, or does it mean you've never been in a relationship?

'cos I'm the latter. :blush:

[Road Scholar]

31. Never did. Never will. A promise is a promise.

43 years. Married and still dating.

[cobalt1999]

32. No way!

Even if I was approached by the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman in the world, never. Any enjoyment I could get out of such an affair would be infinitely offset by the pain that would cause my wife and children.

Nothing is worth hurting my family. Nothing, nobody, no situation. I'd have to be one selfish SOB.

[femmocrat]

33. No. Never. But I have "lusted in my heart" at times.....

:blush:

[Deja Q]

35. Lust is natural. Cheating on a lover is cruel and dangerous:

Cruel emotionally.

Dangerous pertaining to STDs; a condom can't protect them all - can't fit a condom over a mouth or the entire body...

[regnaD kciN]

34. I would say "no"...

...unless cheating included activities after one had split from one's spouse (and said spouse was already in a new relationship) but before the divorce became final (which, in this case, took over a year).

[Xipe Totec]

36. No.

I value loyalty above honor, honor above love, and love above lust.

[mainegreen]

37. Nope. Not interested in cheating.

That's not why you get married.

[HEyHEY]

39. Nope!

:-)

[HEyHEY]

40. I love it - almost at a 50/50 split and only the nos identify

[rbnyc]

54. We just had 2 yeses identify.

:hi:

[sendero]

45. Hypothetical question...

... this happened to a friend :)

He was married and his wife on many occasions told him that she "was not jealous" and that if he wanted to "sleep around" or "have a fling", she didn't care.

Had no intention of doing so, but one day a coworker walked into his office and make a proposition.

If he slept with her, was he cheating?

[rbnyc]

51. It depends...

First it depends on why his wife would tell him that.

If she told him that because she really believes it, if fidelity is just not an important factor for her, and she altruistically doesn't want him to miss out on any experiences, that's different than if she told him that because she's afraid she's not forward-thinking enough for him, and wants his approval or admiration.

Of course, the former situation doesn't automatically mean he's not cheating because then it depends on how he feels about what she has said.

Does he agree that fidelity is not an important factor in their relationship? Or does he wonder if he feeling that way means she doesn't really love him? Does he think that being intimate with another woman will spoil his intimacy with hs wife?

I just think that no situation is clear cut.

[sendero]

56. My friend...

.. doesn't want to get too detailed. Too personal.

He's never really come to a conclusion about whether he "cheated" or not.

[rbnyc]

47. I'm a recovering sex addict. No joke.

My feelings on this topic are somewhat complex for a variety of reasons. And usually when I discuss it I am hammered with disapproval.

First, I am married, and though we have had and will continue to have conflicts, I think our foundation is strong. I feel very lucky. I love my husband deeply. We've been through many tests and have always grown stronger. I have faith that we will continue to do so. I work hard so that reality lives up to that faith. We have committed to a monogamous lifestyle. I work hard to honor that worthy aspiration.

I know many people say it's not in their nature to cheat. I believe that people have a right to self-identify. If someone tells me something they perceive about their own nature--how could I say that person is wrong?

But many people say it is not only not in their natures, but not human-nature to be monogamous. I identify with this camp. I don't think monogamy is natural. I think it's natural to crave. But I do think monogamy is a good idea, an exceptionally valuable construct, and worth every effort, if one is suitably partnered.

I was raped when I was very young. And other things happened. My father left when I was very young...when it comes to young girls who act out sexually, you know the cataloge of contributing factors.

Between the ages of 14 and 20, I had over 150 sexual partners, men and women. I've participated in almost any sexual situation a person can imagine, with few distinct exceptions.

No matter how much I loved a person, no matter how much a person loved me, no matter how much I didn't want to hurt anybody, I almost literally could not meet a person without trying to get them into bed--especially older men. It was about conquest and validation.

So, during that period, I did cheat on some people who really loved me. It was unfair and very unhealthy. I was, in fact, mentally ill.

I worked on this very hard in my 20s. Still, I didn't come away from my experience or my recovery with any kind of black and white moral clarity.

I think that compartmentalization is a very powerful thing. I know that sometimes I will schedule something for work, and then schedule something for my family on the same day, sometimes making the 2 engagements within minutes of each other. It's because I keep work and family so compartmentalized, it's difficult for me to realize conceptually that Tuesday, September 26th at work and Tuesday, September 26th at home are actually the same Tuesday. I think that a person can have an affair, whether deep or superficial, and still truly love his/her spouse. I think a person can carry on 2 different relationships and have difficulty understanding how they relate to one another.

I'm not saying that it's right. I'm just saying that it's very easy for me to understand.

In fact, before my husband and I were married, he did have an affair, and I understood it.

I'm not a sucker. I'm not a doormat. But I wasn't hurt by it as deeply as I probably would have been if I didn't have my particular perspective. And I never felt threatened. I never doubted that he loved me. I never doubted our relationship.

We still had to work to get through it. We still agree it's not okay to have affairs. But it was absolutely the furthest thing from a black and white issue.

I have crushes all the time. I decide not to act on them. It's not always easy. In my experience, it doesn't come naturally.

I do kind of resent all the moral certitude that people bring to this issue--the quick judgments, the clear condemnation, and the venom people bring to the transgressors.

Anyway, my sweety is home. I don't really know how to wrap this up anyway.

Take Care.

EDIT: typo

[Taverner]

52. "But many people say it is not only not in their natures..."

"...but not human-nature to be monogamous. I identify with this camp. I don't think monogamy is natural. I think it's natural to crave. But I do think monogamy is a good idea, an exceptionally valuable construct, and worth every effort, if one is suitably partnered."

!

[rbnyc]

53. Hi.

:hi:

Thanks for reading that whole thing!

[hotforteacher]

58. Wow, I really get what you're saying, rbnyc.

I have really found that it is NOT in my nature to be monogamous...I love to flirt and make out and blahblahblah. My distinction is that I chose not to lie about it anymore. I am very upfront with my partners about my predilictions, and was just talking about this very thing with an old lover of mine on Sunday...especially having been very active in the BDSM scene up here. People need to be upfront about their desires. I feel that I cannot hammer myself into a traditional mode of monogamy, and BDSM complicates things because of the misconceptions surrounding it.

If my wants do not match my partner's, then part ways we must, out of respect to both of us.

And bully on you for being so up-front about your past, BTW. :toast:

[rbnyc]

63. Thanks.

BDSM--there's a scene that's seriously misunderstood. Hey, wasn't there a time when sexual liberation was a priority?

:shrug:

[hotforteacher]

66. Only if it fits into their definition of "sexuality".

:eyes:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

48. i have cheated on everyone i have dated so far

[_testify_]

49. NO.

Never ever. Hearts need to be handled with care. If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship.

[hotforteacher]

55. Reformed cheater here.

I was in two long-term, dead-end relationship pretty much back-to-back and cheated on both of them. The first one I felt genuinely bad about, the second I justified for as long as I "could" and then realized that both of us were seriously fucked up and that I couldn't live with what I was doing anymore. Lying sucks, withholding the truth sucks...hell, withholding ANYTHING from your partner invariably blows up in your face. It disintegrates trust. One thing I cannot abide by anymore is me, or whomever my partner might be, lying--either bold-faced or by omission, which IMHO is far more incediary.

It wasn't just the relationships that I wanted out of...I wanted out of the whole hetero-normative, let's -get-married and be whatever lifestyle--or whatever conception I had of it in my head. And I'm not necessarily shunning marriage, I just don't know if it's for me. I am a single parent, and quite frankly I like it that way for now.

The addage "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't apply here anymore. I spent the last year in a somewhat monogamous relationship (and with the exception of sucking face with some chick in front of my partner during New Year's at a bar--it was fully approved of by all parties involved) I was 100% faithful. It wasn't hard at all for me. I loved him, and even though it went down the shitter in a very disrespectful manner, I maintained being faithful until I was pretty damned sure he had exited stage left. I will have the same baseline respect for any other partner I may have in the future.

I've had people throw it back in my face that they can't trust me based upon my past, and while that concern for them is legitimate, it just isn't in me anymore to do it.

I might be shithouse rat crazy sometimes, but a cheater I am not. :smoke:

[Deja Q]

65. The past is always the past.

It should never be a basis for the future. People can make amends.

Sorry to hear about your previous relationship. :( Guys can be pretty nasty at times. :(

Best of luck in finding another partner, if or when that day comes!

:hug:

[hotforteacher]

67. Can, and more importantly SHOULD (and thank you)

Enough cigarettes, Elliot Smith, "the last day of our aquaintance" by Sinead O'Connor will fill the void for now. I'm kind of in my own personal hell currently, but I have an iron constitution...being angry lasted a couple of days. I'm just sad now. Boo-fucking-hoo.

There will be a pity-party on level four by the Jim Beam and spreader bars.

:rofl:

You've been very kind to me, Hypno. Thank you.

[Omphaloskepsis]

57. No..

And if someone I was with cheated on me it would be impossible to salvage the relationship. (assuming I found out)

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

59. Yes. I've cheated twice.

Both times I engaged in democracy with another woman.

[LostinVA]

60. Well, that's okay, then -- you were cheating Democratically

It doesn't count, then.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

72. thats not cheating...that just being a good citizen

someone as hot as you shouldnt be taken off the market completely

[WhollyHeretic]

61. Yes

A long time ago during a rather ignominious time in high school. Transient pleasure that brought pain to several people close to me. Not my finest hour. :evilfrown:

[grannylib]

62. Never in a million years. I don't think I could ever face my hubby if I

cheated.
Been TEMPTED, yes...but never have so much as kissed another man since we've been together.

[Katina]

64. NO!

I made a vow. If I felt that our relationship had deteriorated to the point where I needed someone else, I would end our relationship first. Our partnership is based on love, trust & mutual respect. He is my partner & friend and has been for more than 1/2 my life. I could never cheat on him.

[Blue_In_AK]

70. Not on my current spouse.

The other ones aren't important.

[StellaBlue]

73. Once, at age 16.

On my first boyfriend. Went on a tour of Europe for three weeks, we weren't serious, ended up hooking up with this other guy who was really a kindred spirit, whom I stayed with through freshman year of college. And the guy I cheated on cheated on me while I was gone, too!

So it kinda doesn't count. I am not "a cheater".

:)