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The Night Before Christmas in Legalese!

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liberalhistorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 10:50 AM
Original message
The Night Before Christmas in Legalese!
I'm the office manager and paralegal for an attorney who's a sole practictioner, and we both love lawyer and law-related jokes (what do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50? A: Your Honor. What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 40? A: Senator!). Yesterday, we came across this little gem, and it was too funny not to share with you. Enjoy!

The Night Before Christmas in Legalese
Author Unkown

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick, aka St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionary treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the HOuse to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, insturction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer, and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved). The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "Gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code).

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first party did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!", or words to that effect.
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Melsky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:01 AM
Response to Original message
1. That's very funny!
I sent it to my lawyer hubby!
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liberalhistorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:03 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. I thought all of the legal people
here would enjoy it! The sad thing is, that really is the way we write, and I didn't realize just how steeped in legalese I really am until I saw this and not only understood every word but could probably have written it myself with no problem. And I'm not even a lawyer, just a paralegal!
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Dudley_DUright Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:02 AM
Response to Original message
2. Thanks
I am printing this out for my legal secretary mother-in-law. She will really enjoy it (as did I).
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Zuni Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:14 AM
Response to Original message
4. I work in a law office
and this is nfunny because it is true. Reading legal papers is like reading latin.
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liberalhistorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:28 AM
Response to Reply #4
5. Exactly!
And it's amazing how quickly those of us in the field tend to pick it up, as well.
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Rainbowreflect Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:33 AM
Response to Original message
6. Hey, I posted this earlier this week. Do you know my attorney?
:-)
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liberalhistorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:40 AM
Response to Reply #6
8. I don't know if I know him or not,
we're in Painesville, Ohio. Attorneys are like doctors, though, they all seem to know each other.
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Rainbowreflect Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 12:09 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. The attorney that gave it to me was a women, here in Nebraska.
I thought it was great.
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Tripper11 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-19-03 11:34 AM
Response to Original message
7. This was great, thanks!
I sent it to my wife who is a legal secratary. I know most of the people she works with will get a big kick out of it.
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