THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

[pokerfan]

Yorkshire



DAD
Oh bloody hell.



MOTHER
Get that would you, Deirdre...

GIRL
All right, Mum.





MOTHER
Whose teatime is it?

SCORES OF VOICES
Me, mum...

MOTHER
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha... it's your bedtime!

CHILDREN
Oh, Mum!

MOTHER
Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda...

DAD
Wait...



I've got something to tell the whole family.



MOTHER
Quick... go and get the others in, Gordon!



DAD
The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.



I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.



No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things... Oh they've done some wonderful things in their time, they preserved the might and majesty, even the mystery of the Church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of the little rubber things on the end of my c*** we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

DAD
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we believe... well, let me put it like this...

*** musical interlude ***

DAD
So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you here any longer.

SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Speak up!

DAD
I can't keep you here any longer... God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you anymore.

BOY
Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?

DAD
It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him...

VOICE
You could have them pulled off in an accident?



DAD
No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought. And it's medical experiments for the lot of you...