Are babies the end of having a good social life?

[Radical Activist]

Poll question: Are babies the end of having a good social life?

The babies in theaters threads remind me of why I'm in no hurry to have kids. Right now, I have a decent social life. I can go out to a movie, theater, bar, concert, party or other event without much thought or preparation besides picking out my clothes. With a baby, I'd have to find a babysitter I trust and can afford, or take the kid along thus annoying everyone around me and spending the entire time tending to the baby. I see people with babies out in public. They don't spend time socializing, they spend time keeping the baby quiet and happy. Does life end at parenthood?

And no, having a good social life doesn't mean getting together with the other couple down the street with kids for dinner once in a while so that you can all watch your kids together at home. Doesn't count.

[LeftyMom]

1. Yeah it is, but they don't stay babies long. nt

[radwriter0555]

49. That's right. Babies only get in the way for the first couple of years,

and if you have a decent husband who actually participates in all aspects of the parenting, the two of you managing said infant/toddler makes the endeavor much easier.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. Here's more about me than you'll ever care to know...

married 10 years, two kids (aged 7 and 16)

Social life...I have a great little group of friends. The same as always. But I LIKE going out with our kids. They are super neat to hang out with as well.

Love life... Better than ever. There's nothing like going through parenting to draw you closer together. Honest.


But, if one chooses to not have kids that's cool too. Just don't make assumptions about the social lives of those who do. :hi:

[Radical Activist]

5. Well...

it is a poll with a question attached. Everyone gets the chance to defend their point of view.
I can't imagine enjoying much of what I enjoy now while having a child along.

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. My life is way better because of them, not in spite of them.

I am happier socially, mentally and emotionally than quite a few of my single friends. That's not to say we don't all have our bad days. But I want for nothing on any level really...except for health...my father's right now. :)

[miss_american_pie]

3. I'm quite certain

your idea of "decent social life" and mine were quite different long before I had kids.

[Radical Activist]

4. haha

I don't know. Maybe not. Unless your social life involved things like swingers bars and S&M clubs. I've never been into that.

[eyesroll]

7. I babysat for a couple who I am absolutely convinced were swingers.

(No, I don't have any proof and I didn't ask them. But I'm convinced.)

Their kids were 2 and 5 when I started babysitting for them...so, yes, you can have a good social life even including swingers bars; you just have to plan better (and tell the babysitter you're "playing cards").

[ScreamingMeemie]

10. and...have an extra bathroom in the basement with a locking door...

not that "I" personally have one of those... :D

[miss_american_pie]

21. My social life involved

spending time with the people I care about. Still does.

The details of where or when or on how short notice were never important.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

6. You sound like a friggin dinosaur.

Completely unable to adapt to the changes each stage of life brings. Perhaps you're not ready for it now, but if you think the remainder of your life is getting drunk at the bar or party, you're in for a crude awakening.

Every stage of life comes with great pleasures, social and otherwise. Take each for what they are and you'll always be happy.

[Radical Activist]

23. yawn

Why go on the attack?
Yes, I'm sure my life will change but for now I'm not ready for my life to "settle down" and become an old man.

[eyesroll]

9. I've never had a baby, but my live-in SO has a three-year-old.

She's with us weekends.
Yes, we have a good social life, but it does require more planning and doing things with other couples with children (or who are child-friendly). No, we don't go to bars/clubs/movies on weekends very often.

And I'm not sure what you mean by they "don't spend time socializing" -- every parent of a baby/small child I know is good at multitasking. I'll assume by socializing, in that sentence, you mean "talking about something other than the baby." Yep, they do it, even if the baby does take up a good chunk of the conversation. (What do you talk about when you socialize? Stuff that's important in your life. It makes sense.)

[MissB]

11. I think it depends on you and your kid.

You don't seem ready to be a parent - and I don't mean that as a criticism.

A baby is a part of you - you helped create it and you'd likely feel very protective of any child you have (sometime in the future). They are pretty much helpless - they depend on their parents (especially mom) for food and comfort. It may seem like parents are pretty damned centered on their kids, but that is the way it is with babies. Suddenly there is a piece of yourself out there in the world and it is tiny and fragile. Ignoring it won't help it grow into toddler hood. Damn, you actually do have to take care of the things.

All that being said, how you parent is up to you. I have friends that take their children with them to pubs, movies, and concerts. They - kids and parents- stay up until 10 pm or later many nights during the week, and then get up bright and early the next morning. The kids don't seem damaged by their parents' activities. Perhaps it is because it is all they've ever known.

My kids need 12 hours of sleep each night, otherwise they (and mom) have really bad days. I employ a babysitter when needed. I take them to the symphony, but it is the series that is geared towards little kids, not adults. Now that they are older, I don't mind taking them to regular restaurants, because they know not to run amok or scream like banshees.

Parents also get to know where the kid-friendly places are. Some restaurants are family friendly, and theaters around here hold Mommy and Me hours for kids. One theater in the area has a child care space in it so the kids can play while the parents enjoy a movie.

So you can either take them along and include them, keep them at home with a sitter, or find family friendly places. Or some combination. Whatever suits your parenting style.

[Lance_Boyle]

12. more an end than a means, no doubt. n/t

[Xithras]

13. They certainly change it, but they only end it if you're unimaginative.

Having children is an expensive proposition, and childcare is an expected part of that. That said, I have three little Xithrases and I still got to parties, bars, and concerts on a regular basis with my wife. It really isn't that difficult to find a couple of regular babysitters, so finding someone to sit while you socialize isn't that big of a deal. Does it mean that you can't run out the door on a whim and drive across the country just because you feel like it? Of course. OTOH, you CAN still do those things, you just have to plan them a little...that's what grandparents are for :)

If anything, having kids actually improved my social life. I still do just about everything I did before I had kids, and with the same people, only now I also have a second set of "parent" friends who I get together with regularly for more family oriented parties and get togethers. There's rarely a dull weekend around my house or in my family :)

On edit: I should also mention that many peoples social lives dry up after having a baby not because of the baby, but because of their relationships. MOST people go to clubs either on dates, or while hoping to meet someone to either hook up with or START dating. 3 out of 4 babies in this country are born to parents that are either married, or who are already in committed relationships...i.e., they're not looking for dates in clubs anymore. That part of their social life withers not because of the kid, but because they don't need it anymore.

[gollygee]

14. It's a different kind of social life

it isn't the same as it was before. It took a while to get used to socializing with kids, but I like it. We do more family friendly things than we used to do, obviously.

[otherlander]

15. I don't, but my social life isn't that great anyway...

Still, I voted that it would be the end because it just takes away so much freedom. Not trying to be mean or anything, kids are great, but... it would be the end. of. all. hope. For. Ever.

By the way, if our avatars had ever met, they would have had some very interesting conversations, wouldn't they? :crazy:

[Radical Activist]

16. They would surely say

they want a revolution...

That was so cliche, I'm sorry. I can't Imagine why I did that. Please Please Help me stop.

[otherlander]

17. Goddamnnit, you! Don't do that whilst I'm drinking tea!

:spray:

Or I shall speakith in ole english at ye!

[Radical Activist]

20. no way

I should be shamed for making such a corny post. Don't encourage me.

[otherlander]

43. If you do it again I'll chop your hands off.

And put them in a jar and give them to the CIA.

I really am that evil.

[LaraMN]

18. Heck no!

(Says the girl who has free babysitters available within a twelve-block radius.) I go out with my friends, my husband, or both, frequently. We hit the pub, go to the movies, go see shows, and have get togethers here, once the kids are in bed (I've got six or so adult friends coming over for drinks and games, Friday night,) and I visit other friends at their homes. Having a healthy social life (by my own standards) provides what for me is a critical respite from the rigors of being a stay-at-home-Mom, and allows me to recharge and enjoy the time I spend with my kids, even more. As such, I consider it a significant priority. You don't die just up and die on the inside, once you (or your spouse) burst(s) a child from your loins.:rofl:

[Radical Activist]

19. hehe

"You don't die just up and die on the inside, once you (or your spouse) burst(s) a child from your loins."

Are you sure? I could swear I've seen it happen. ;)

[kmla]

68. "...once you (or your spouse) burst(s) a child from your loins."

You been watching 'Alien' again?

:D

[izzybeans]

22. nope nt

[seemunkee]

24. They change it but don't destroy it

There are some things I've had to pass up because of kids, and there are things I have done because of them. That doesn't mean I don't or didn't have a great social life. Being self-employed for 7 years had a greater impact than the kids did. Now they're teens and we will soon be empty nesters. Life moves on.

[fishnfla]

25. We would rather hang out with our kids than most adults

They are more trusting, easier to please, funnier, and wont take advantage or screw you over first chance they get.

Plus what MrsGrumpy said upthread. Our relationship is better than it ever was when were child-free. One becomes less selfish and more giving

[jobycom]

26. Kids are my social life

I never leave them with a babysitter, and prefer to be with them than with any other group or individual I know. And no, I did not expect that to be the case before I had them.

I do make my kids behave in theaters. Most of the time. :)

[jobycom]

27. Okay, this is bothering me

Who is Liv Ullman?

[Radical Activist]

28. heh

A holdover from my thread about Swedish director Ingmar Bergman. She starred in many of his films.

[jobycom]

30. Ah.

I saw that thread, but not in-depth enough, I guess! :)

[Cascadian]

29. I am childfree and proud of it!

6 years ago, I made the conscience decision not to have any kids. The reason? I have many things I want to do in my life and I neither have the time nor the temperment to bring up kids. To be honest, I think some people weren't meant to be parents and I am glad I realized this before it was too late. I have a decent social life and I am able to go anywhere I want and do things I want and having a kid or kids would curtail that considerably.


John

[tigereye]

31. no

it just changes and is postponed for awhile. Yes, babies take up pretty much all your time and you can't sit down and read or have much peace for a while. But that's ok. They don't stay young forever, and there are good sitters out there. And kids are really cool once they get older too. They even form their own opinions and debate with you!


OTOH, I was kind of getting tired of the most wild form of social life by the time I had my kid at age 38. I really didn't go out that much when I got into my early 30s anyway.

you said,

"And no, having a good social life doesn't mean getting together with the other couple down the street with kids for dinner once in a while so that you can all watch your kids together at home. Doesn't count."

well, actually it does, RA! ;) The kids run around or watch a video, or play, or sleep and you suck down a few beers and actually have adult conversation!

[Radical Activist]

34. After reading your response

It looks like you're really answering "yes." :) The fact that its only for a short time doesn't discount their effects.

[tigereye]

36. well, what is a social life, how are you defining it?

your post made it sound like kids were the end of all social life, permanently. And as you can see from the responses, that isn't the case.

getting up and going without planning, hanging out in bars til 2am (well, unless you get a sitter), yes.
continuing to see friends and do fun things, no.

[nickinSTL]

32. it depends...

I have friends with 2 kids...one almost 4 and one 8 months...they still hang out with friends a lot...but then, his parents live a couple miles away from them and are willing to watch the kids pretty much anytime.

Having built-in babysitters like that is a HUGE advantage, I think.

[Radical Activist]

62. That is

the one thing that makes me think living in the same town as my parents isn't so bad. If I have kids one day, it will be nice to have help from family.

[Pithlet]

33. It definitely put a crimp in it, but I wouldn't call it an end.

I can still go out, I just have to plan ahead more. During infancy it's pretty much dead, and it seems as though your life will never get back to normal. But, it does. If that's the only thing that gives you pause, don't worry about it. The baby/toddler years fly by.

[dysfunctional press]

35. oh wait...i was thinking of Liv TYLER...

but sure, i suppose i'd tap that...or maybe would have tapped that is more accurate.

[Radical Activist]

63. she's great too

But Liv Ullman back in the day... :loveya:

[SteppingRazor]

37. Of course it's the end of your social life...

can you stay out until 5 a.m. when you've got a kid at home? No, of course you can't. End of story.

[rbnyc]

71. You can have a social life without staying out til 5 am.

It's just not the same kind of social life.

And you can stay out til 5 am--once or twice a year when baby stays over at grandma and gandpas.

:)

[xchrom]

38. excuse me -- just passing through.

[tjdee]

39. Depends on what your social life was like before the kids.

I'm a lot different than some here because I'm a single parent. So it's not like I can leave my kid with daddy while I go out and yuk it up at the bar with my girlfriends. If I've taken the trouble to get a sitter, etc. to go out without my kid, I'd better have one fucking great time.

Mostly, though, I find I'm disappointed by a "social life" when I do get out. I remember that it's really not that much fun to be up at 3 in the morning in a bar fending off drunk dirtbags (though, now "I have a kid" usually causes them to scatter LOL). I never have as much fun as I feel I ought to be having.

Though, before the kid I wasn't the type to stay out at the bar/club until closing every night either.

[yellowdogintexas]

45. agreed/ our social life before baby was dinner with friends,

movies, and museums/camping/caving/ so forth.

Our daughter went to Mammoth Cave with us at the age of 31 days; all our friends were very anxious to meet her. We took her caving when she was about 5 months old, in a backpack carrier ..she loved it.

She went to the movies with us from the beginning. She was 100% breast fed so if she got fussy in the movie, she just got fed and went to sleep. She has always loved the movies and never misbehaved at the movies.

We still had friends over for dinner and went to their homes for dinner; we had 3 or 4 couples we liked to do things with so that didn't change at all.

But we were never clubbers, or bar hoppers or prowl the town until the wee hours folks.

having said all that, I will say what my husband always tells new or prospective parents:
"Babies are wonderful, fascinating, entertaining and rewarding. However, they are NEVER convenient"

[xmas74]

52. That's the best part about the bars-

when I was younger I had to fight off the dirtbags. Now I just pull out my keychain with my daughter's picture on it and tell them that we have to be really quiet at my house or we'll wake her up.

They usually run the other way.

[Radical Activist]

60. bar

Out of five activities I mentioned, only one was going out to a bar.

[China_cat]

40. Remove the word 'good' from the first choice

and you've got a winner.

[Xipe Totec]

41. Question is ambiguous

End can mean purpose. Some couples turn children into the focus of their social life. Hence, the end (purpose) for having children, for them, may be to have a social life.

In some cultures having children affords social status.

:shrug:

[devilgrrl]

42. No. You just can't hang out as much...

other than that, I get to see on my friends children regularly, they just leave earlier.

[fortyfeetunder]

44. All depends when you have the kids

I got my partying out of my system (maybe a bit too long) then had kids. No regrets. I got to do a lot of things

Think working outside the home is why I am not terribly sad about the change in my social activities.

Now I am using my senior status to show my kids the world, works great for me!!

[mykpart]

46. I have some dear friends that I met BECAUSE I had children.f

The children are grown and gone, but we are still friends. And why doesn't spending time with other parents count? The truth is, children change your life, and that includes your social life. Doesn't have to end, but if you are only interested in maintaining status quo, then you are right to postpone becoming a parent. Parenthood isn't for everyone, anymore than any other life vocation. In order to enjoy and grow from being a parent, you must be open to change. And eventually the children grow up, and you can go back to your old social life, if you still want to.

I applaud your decision to postpone having children.

[AutumnMist]

47. At First When You Have A Baby

Its blurry eyed days and sleepless nights for awhile. But that changes...quickly. Soon the babies are kids and the kids want to go play outside and have their own set of Independence. My husband and I BBQ with neighbors, go out to dinner, etc. Our daughter is always welcome to join us when we do things. You just have to set aside time for the "adults" and do your own thing on occasion. It gets more tricky after kids, but it is not impossible. :)

[Beausoir]

48. We have 5 kids. We were never social butterflies to begin with.

We never enjoyed going to parties, playdates, etc. We always preferred to spend time with each other.

So, now, we just spend time with each other..and our 5 kids.

We schedule date-night for every Wednesday. The sitter comes and we go to a movie or out to dinner.

Having kids definitely changed our travel habits, though. We used to travel to more exotic locations. Now, with 5 extra airline tickets to buy, we save up for one or two big trips a year.

[Robeson]

50. I've just never wanted them. Neither has my wife. We wouldn't be...

...married, if we both didn't feel that way. BTW, Liv Ullman is hot.

[xmas74]

51. It's definitely different.

Before my child was born I was more interested in scraping up beer money and flirting with guys in bars to get them to buy me drinks. I spent all my money on manicures and lingerie.

Now, I still occasionally spend money on lingerie and manicures. I no longer spend money on bars. The socializing is different now than it used to be. Most of it is more kid-friendly but we still have a good time.

I still go to museums but I take my daughter. She gives me a new perspective on everything there. I love it-she expresses what she sees in the simplist terms instead of letting what she thinks others want her to see.

We visit the zoo. Most people at the zoo look at the animals and go to the next section. She wants to sit and try to find ways to communicate with them. She wants to know what they are feeling.

When I was younger I was in various sports leagues for work. We'd play the game with the full intention of going to the bar afterward and getting trashed. Now I help coach the kids. They learn the game for the first time and I get to learn how to appreciate sports for what they can be instead of what I can do afterward.

The social life of the past is gone and sometimes I do miss it. I do notice a drastic difference in what I used to do and what I do now. But I prefer my life now, even with its ups and downs and lack of private time.

Besides, she's my excuse to spend hours in a toy store and not have others look at me like I'm a pedophile.

[last_texas_dem]

53. Other

I don't have kids, but I don't really have a social life either. So I don't believe they'd make that much of a difference for me. :-) Hell, maybe they'd improve it in my case. But I understand your point about kids altering the social lives of those who have such a thing. I guess ideally people should wait until they've gotten a good deal of their life's socializing out of their system before they have kids, or choose to not have them if having a social life is a bigger priority. But I understand people have their reasons for doing whatever they do and hopefully most of them figure out a way to fit the things that are important to them into their life.

[texanwitch]

54. My friend and her husband have no social life after having the baby,

they don't have sleep either. They are tired all the time.

No more nights out or late nights, just a crying baby.

[Heidi]

55. I dunno about kids, but having a cat sure can be. (nt)

[REP]

56. Happily, Proudly Child-Free

No part of my life would accomodate children - not because I lead a frenetic bar-and-bed hopping life, either, as some of the respondents with children assume about those of us without. My way of life suits me, just as no doubt their way of life suits them.

[kiraboo]

57. Babies grow up. So while, right now, your social life

sucks, it will get better! My teenagers actually babysit my youngest son, and I thank heaven for that.

[Fleshdancer]

58. It's very temporary

The older they get, the better your social life gets.

[JVS]

59. On the other hand my parents moved to a new city 2 years before my older..

brother was born and 4 years before I was born. Since my dad had work all of the time, everyone he knew was from work. My mom knew some people from the neighborhood but our neighbors tended to be retired couples without kids, who often were boring. It was only when my brother and I started going to school that my mom was able to make a lot of friends near her own age, and as I would lament on trips to the grocery store that seemed to last forever because of the number of brief conversations she got into, she made lots of friends. My mom met her best friend for the last 20 years when I went to pre-school and she met another pupil's mom there. So kids can often be the element that connects you to a large community through shit like school, PTA, etc.

[Radical Activist]

61. Finally, some honest parents.

For a while, only two admitted that their social life ended. I was convinced most DU parents were lying or fooling themselves to feel better about their lives.
When I read the posts of those who say they still have a good social life, it doesn't sound believable. Its fine if you chose to have a baby, and great if that baby is now your life, and its great that you're happy about that, but that still doesn't make babysitting an active social life.

[JVS]

64. Speaking of active social life, should three be a central IL Du meetup...

this summer?

You missed the one last year

[Radical Activist]

65. Not a bad idea

Drinking Liberally in Springfield is having their one year anniversary on Thursday June 22. That could be a good joint event. Its a Floyd's Thirst Parlor in Springfield starting at 8pm.

[JVS]

66. I think a chambana event might be nice. $4 pitchers of Old Style rock!

[JVS]

67. I can't make that one. I must be off to Pennsylvania on that evening

[Wetzelbill]

69. if they are as bad as I was yes

I am in no hurry to have kids, I heard if you were bad when you were little it comes back on you a million times worse when you have some of your own. :: shudder :: :scared:

[rbnyc]

70. It takes more planning...

...and more money. Also, the types of things we do has changed. We still get a sitter and go to movies, concerts, parties every once in a while...but not as often as we used to. We do more things with other parents and with family. We go boating, swimming, to kid-friendly restaurants, cafes, museums, we go to the park a lot--the park is very social, great for parent networking.

We go to a lot of carnivals and amusement parks with other parents and/or with family.

There are some friends I don't see anymore, because they are all about getting drunk, high, etc. and are otherwise too spontaneous for my new life as a mom. That's fine with me. I'll be 38 this year. I think I've done enough acid, smoked enough pot, had enough group sex, and gone on enough benders to last a lifetime. I prefer to be sober and dressed in case I need to act in an emergency. :evilgrin:

[hunter]

72. What's a "good social life?"

Thank heavens my social life as an unmarried guy is ended.

I have very fond memories of when it was just me and my wife, but I also have very fond memories of when our kids were younger. And I'm sure I'll have very fond memories of when our kids were teenagers too... once we get through it.

[newportdadde]

73. Social life? We have a 2 1/2 year old and twin boys 4 months old.

Our life is SURVIVAL. We just fight to make it through each day, our target is 8pm when our 2 year old goes to bed, we literally count down the minutes. I don't know if anyone else reading this thread has twins.. but DAMN lol this is bar none the most challenging aspect of my life I've ever been through. Just having one newborn even with a toddler would be a breeze right now. Trying to get all three of them down for the night is insane. The only place we go out right now is a walk to the park or visiting family. I do all of the grocery shopping because logistically moving 3 kids, their car seats all of it is a nightmare. I love all of my sons but twins is really tough on a marriage.

Its amazing how it changes the dynamics of a relationship, who would have thought waxing the car would be a special treat because its an 'excuse to get away from your family'.

My wife and I weren't exactly socialites before we had children but we did go out maybe once a month to dinner and we saw ow 3 movies a year. The activities we really enjoyed were for my wife reading, she loves to read and for myself video games and working out.

I remember the good old days, playing EQ socializing online etc. Those days are simply gone, instead of playing for a 5 hours at a stretch I'm absolutely THRILLED of the prospect of one hour to myself lol. I have been able to keep my gym time though.

Kids make you become a Mom and Dad, your not just you anymore. Now I do not want to just complain so I want to tell a quick story. My 2 year old loves Thomas the Train. Our small nearby park is bordered by a train track and one day my son and I hear the train whistle blowing. We run over to an area that is clear enough from brush to see the track. There I am with my arms around him as this train comes roaring around the corner out of the trees, the expression on his face was priceless as he saw his first real train. It was one of the best moments of my life and I will never forget it.

[Taverner]

74. Yes

That is all...