40 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

[MrScorpio]

Oh, I wish that I could use these at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell - with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[LostinVA]

1. You're the worst boss I've ever had

And, you're the fucking laziest, most sociopathic person I've ever known.

And, whilst in a meeting: "Shut up shut up shut up! Quit asking stupid questions! Everyone knows you're just sucking up to the boss -- including the boss!"

[texas1928]

2. There have been a few times I wanted to use 39.

SO MANY TIMES

[NC_Nurse]

You're right...

nobody cares.

[liontamer]

3. i think we both know that this is just busy work

can't we just skip it?

[ThomCat]

4. So what if you own the company.

Fish stink from the head.

[Jade Fox]

5. Did the ad you answered for this job....

actually say, "Wanted: Drugged-up Psycho-bitch?"

I coulda used that one today.....

[Iniquitous Bunny]

6. You may make more money than I do...

but you're old, ugly, and mean (to one person in particular). :grr:

[Redstone]

7. I can't. They work for me, so it would be rude.

Redstone

[mwooldri]

8. I just printed out this list for my boss... and she's....

... completely cracked up with laughter!

Considering what we do here, 1/2 of our job is to take the calls when they want to speak to a 'supervisor'. And since we are in a service environment, the "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer" comment really suits one of my co-workers down to a T. My boss really loved the one about "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be... ?"

There's one I can say out loud in the office out loud and get away with "Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again." It's because we do fix mistakes... and if I get the right person in the right frame of mind I could probably voice it to the customers I serve too!

Mark.

[CBHagman]

9. Claudia Shear had some good ones.

I don't know if anyone else on DU has seen Claudia Shear's one-woman show, Blown Sideways Through Life, which ran on American Playhouse on PBS years back. She also published it in book form, which kind of fleshed out the stories.

In short, it was a rant/memoir about the dozens of jobs she's held in her life, and part of the show was a series of things bosses have said to her ("We have very specific policies about personal phone calls") to things she said and/or wanted to say to them. I especially liked "I'd like to slap you so hard your whole family cries."

And then there was "Frankly, I wouldn't take a job that required me to monitor how often people went to the bathroom."

[brook]

10. I used #3 last week!

The new la-di-da Board President swept into my domain and proceeded to 'mark her territory'. When it became obvious I wasn't 'playing nicely with others', she said she'd come back another time when I was ready to have a conversation. I told her to look under "Never" on her calendar.

Felt really good.

[undeterred]

11. You're totally hot and its too bad you're married.

Oh wait, that's not on the list. :blush: