Christmas "news" letters.

[trof]

God, I hate these.
Do you get them?

Excerpt from one I just got (verbatim):
"I learned that my blood pressure had become elevated this summer. I suspected this because I had let my weight creep up to much. So I changed my eating habits to see if I could lower the blood pressure without prescription medication. I chose the low carb route because it seemed that I could stay on it forever. The blood pressure drop was sooner than I expected, but so was the weight loss. After a couple of weeks I had lost 15 pounds and my blood pressure came down to normal levels. After 3 months I lost 35 pounds and I've stabilized it there."

Absolutely RIVETING! This from a guy I'd call an acquaintance, who I haven't even seen (no big loss) in 3 years.

I think I'll write him back and tell him all about my new dental bridge, my last visit with the oral surgeon, and my brand new implanted MOLAR!
<sigh>

[Bertha Venation]

1. I understand & agree to an extent. But liked one I got last year.

Was pleased to learn that an ex-girlfriend had found the love of her life, bought a home, had a new job, and was happier than she was when I'd known her.

So I guess I'd say I can take 'em or leave 'em.

[demnan]

4. Dear Friends

I still drink like a fish and beat my wife. All is happy here. Muffy and Keven are enjoying spending detention in their new schools and the dog (isn't he cute?) pees and shits all over the house. The wife is on oxycontyin so she could give a damn. Hope you have a Happy Christmas and New Years.

[nonews]

2. pictures too

OH NO!--I am not the only one!
What about the ones that include pictures too--the family dog, cat, bird and the new car the family just bought!

[liberalhistorian]

3. I'm working on a satirical one this

year (you know, "the kid's been accepted to the early admission program at Harvard even though he's in sixth grade, I've been dating Tom Cruise, who's absolutely smitten with me" type), and am having absolutely the best time with it! Try it, it'll be fun and it'll take your mind off of all the bullshit real letters.

[trof]

10. THAT is a great idea.

I may borrow it.
;-)

[trotsky]

5. LOL

Hey, it can be hard coming up with enough stuff to fill a one-page holiday newsletter, OK? Not everyone has learned to work magic by inserting pictures and having laaaaarge margins. :)

[terrya]

6. A friend of mine and his partner just adopted a baby girl.

And they sent me a Christmas newsletter talking about it.

Reading it, I could tell how happy they were. It was nice to read about.

[Fuzz]

7. I personally can't stand them either

Usually self-centered idiocy that no one cares about. If I cared, I would have known all about it already because I would have spoken with you since last year.

But, I'm just usually grumpy. :)

[greatauntoftriplets]

8. I got one last year from a grade school friend

(and I suppose this is why we are in contact only through Christmas letter even though she lives only a few miles away) that took the cake for braggadocio. Not only did she go on and on about the two or three trips she took last year and the people they involved (i.e., went to visit them), but she would reference multiple past trips that included the same people -- and, of course, I had no clue who these people were.

Wish I had kept it. It was so untentionally funny.

[TNDemo]

9. Seems like we had a thread about this awhile back.

I commented on the letter I got from someone describing their dog's bladder stones. Also got one describing in long and excruciating detail the redecorating they did in their house. My friend kept getting a nauseating one from someone who bragged incessantly so she and I sat down and made up a letter just for her from my friend describing all the accomplishments my friend and her kids had had that year (all fictitious, down to the bestseller book she had authored and the appearance on all the morning news shows). She never got another letter from them.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

11. Think I'm gona send out

a 12-pager with a table of contents, index and a calendar of family events for the coming year

[geniph]

12. "Hi to all our family and friends,

our dear ones about whom we could not give enough of a shit to go to the trouble of writing actual individual letters. Hey, the likes of you are lucky we bother to send anything. We're remodeling the bathroom, and here are innumerable numbing details about the toilet replacement and the drywalling. Here's the progress of the toddler's toilet training. The 14-year-old has almost stopped wetting the beds, although he is still setting fires and tormenting animals. I blame my family members, except for the ones who are reading this - you of course are the only decent people in this whole horrible family.

I'm thinking about actually getting a job and becoming a productive citizen, but I really think it'll interfere with my QVC shopping time and soap opera viewings. Besides, everyone knows the baby will be better off with me at home, even if I spend the entire day ignoring it, watching TV and drinking mai-tais.

My husband's little "problem" is much better since we discovered Viagra. We even have a webpage about it for only $5 a month, payable via Paypal or Visa!

Oh, and if anyone has any extra money, send it along. You know our kids won't break into the houses and steal the property of those who "help us out" this holiday season!

Love (I don't really mean that)
Your anonymous relative or distant acquaintance"

You mean that kind of newsletter?