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(The scene is the whitehouse bedroom residence of George and Laura.
George is undressing. Laura is in bed)
G: My god...what a day!
L: Tough one?
G: Yup. Some asshole got hold of a mike...wanted me to be
"graceful enough to be ashamed"...
L: (Sitting up on the side of the bed) Who said that?
G: Just some ass...I'm havin' turdblossom raked...he's slipping
L: (reaching for a bottle of gin) Karl?
G: That bastard is sposed to have that kinda shit under control,
...think its easy trying to keep an idiot grin on my face while
some smuck starts whining about his privacy rights?
(He hangs up his tie and throws his presidential seal embossed boots
at a dresser)
Gawddammit! The whole damn thing is a blasted mess. Did you see what
Condi said in London? Thousands of mistakes!!!! Jeeeesus!
L: I told you to stay away from her. (takes a little nip)
G: I needed that like a nother hole in my head...WHERES MY ....hey,
what are you drinking?
L: (rolling back on the bed) Nothing dear.
G: BULLSHIT!!!
L: Don't be vulgar.
G: I am the goll dern president, Laura, I'll be vulgar if I want to.
L: Maybe you should take a break..we could call your folks and go to
the ranch.
G: The ranch? So that Sheehan woman can come down and get on tv some more? Bright idea.
(He's hunting in a dresser drawer)
Where is those 'bird' pajamas?
L: What?
G: The bird pajamas..you know the ones with the little birds on them
they're kind of blueish..
L: They're out.
G: Out? Who threw them out?
L: Your mother came by last week and when she saw them she decided to
throw them out. Don't ask me why..she's YOUR mother.
G: Let me get this straight..my mother was here, in our bedroom, in the
gol derned Whitehouse, looking at my PAJAMAS?
L: I didn't like it either. She said she was looking for something from
when SHE was here.
G: What? Looking for what?
L: Well, at first she denied she was looking for anything
G: (Pulling on a pair of boxer's with a presidential seal embossed
on the 'vent')
Ok..she denied it, so what makes you think?
L: Well Georgie, she was standing there, the dresser drawer open,
all your undies pulled out and she was holding the birdie pj's
behind her back.
G: Gawd!
L: Yes. It turns out she was actually looking for an envelope with
a photograph inside. She acted very odd about it.
G: It's Poppy!
L: (gets up and crosses to the bathroom) She wouldn't say what the
photo was of...
G: God only knows. (beat) does that woman realize that their 'favorite'
son Billy was living here for EIGHT frickin' years?
L: (muffled from the bathroom...she opens the med cabinet) Lower your
voice...I'm right here.
G: Now what are you doing?
L: (removes a bottle of lorazepam..pops it) Taking an aspirin..you know
how I get headaches after a visit from your mother.
G: I bet that bitch has them.
L: Your mother did NOT find what she was looking for.
G: Not my MOTHER!...Hilree. She tore this place upside down looking for
her damn whitewater records remember?
L: How could I forget..how they "appeared" in a study or something.
G: (Digging around in dresser drawers) I know mother...she's thinking
more about when we are out of here and its bothering her. She wants
to protect Jeb probably. (slams the drawer shut)
screw this!
(he goes to the telephone lifts the receiver)
Yeah..this here's the president. Put me through to extension A11
at NSA...yes NOW!
L: (smiling as she comes out of the bathroom and looking a little high)
George...you are too ....tense!
G: Listen...you got that scan running on PotusArky? P-O-T-U-S-R-K?
Good, I wanchoo to cross triangulate that thing...here's the words...
"Dresser" "Photo" "Bush" "envelope" "deepshit"...yeah.. that's right.
Put the results in a bag and courier over here tomorrow. Got it?
and...while yer at it, same thing on N-Y-S-B-I-T...Nisbit..yeah..
that's for New York BITCH..(chuckles)
What's it about? Gawddammit its natn'l security that's all YOU
need to know!
L: (coming over and rubbing his neck) Too too tense.
G: Alright. Tomorrow and keep Crashcart out of the loop on this one.
(hangs up)
(Laura continues rubbing George's neck)
L: Rummy called
G: That little bastard...what did he want?
L: I guess he's got some more 'little brown people' in a cage
and wants you to call him about it.
G: He wants me to call?
L: Oh, you know, he DOESN'T want you to call, ...its a 'don't call me,
call me, call'...don't call.
G: Did he say who they were?
L: George, they were BROWN people...
G: Yeah.. where's my Bible?
L: Your Bible..its right there under your pretzel jar....Uh..Georgie...
maybe you should put on your 'flight suit' and we could play 'top gun'
G: (ignores her..reaches for his Bible)
Did you hear about this new Judas 'gospel'?
L: Judas gospel?
G: Yeup..a dol gerned JUDAS gospel...you would think as prezdent of United States, I would NOT get caught by surprise that theres a whole new
supposed GOSPEL!!!
L: George, there's no such thing as a new gospel.
G: That's right..its supposed to be 1700 years old why wasn't I INFORMED?
I have to see it on Fox news like every other swinging stick. They said it was authentic as hell. Says Judas was in cahoots..Jesus ASKED him
to turn 'em into the Roman guards.
L: Just like Scooter!
G: I tell you there is something weird going on...and I can't figure it
out...Falwell's no help. (starts looking through the Bible)
L: (turning away) Georgie...
G: Did Pat Robertson call?
L: Georgie Porgie...
G: Laura..(he looks up) But I want to read some scripchure!
L: (deflated) Oh George. How long has it been?
G: I just don't see how you can mix scripchure with ...you know...marital
relational conjucational activities..
L: (to the liquor cabinet) No...I suppose you don't.
G: (back to his book) Your a dol gerned Librarian...I just want to
read for spirtual guidance. It's not every day we get a new whole
gospel! ....I'm afraid it might be a threat to natn'l security.
Am I supposed to have a 'position' on it? It could be a sign of
the end times.
L: I'm having a drink.
G: Don't have too much, sugar.
L: O, course not.
(silence as George tries to ponder Revelation)
G: I have a new idea...
(beat)
L: (takes a deep drink) Lovely cowboy...just lovely...
Scene Two
(the next morning, the bed is rumpled. Laura is sitting in her robe
at a dressing vanity, the door to the bathroom is open. George is
on the pot.)
G: Goll dern it...we're out of tp in here!
L: (humming to herself) ...what's that George?
G: I said there's no toilet paper! Can you help a feller out?
L: Sure...
(she walks to a closet and ruffles around)... George...
what kind do you want? Bill of Rights, Declaration or the Gold
perfumed Constitution?
G: Bill O' Rights!
(She takes out a roll with the Bill of Rights printed on it
..as she carries it to the bathroom, she tears off a few sheets
to blow her nose.)
L: Here you go. (tosses it into the bathroom)
I've got a luncheon today with Lynn C.
G: Ask her when that daughter of hers is gonna get married. Heh heh.
L: That woman is a horror show...no wonder her daughter is ...that way.
(the toilet flushes. George emerges wearing a dress shirt, boxers
-with the presidential seal on the vent- and knee high silk stockings)
G: Ask her if she knows what Crashcart plans to do with his li'l buddy
Scooter. That sum bitch is gettin' to be a pain.
L: (at her closet choosing today's ghastly ensemble)
I read her 'novel' last month. Horrid! And did you read Scooter's?
G: (putting on his watch with a presidential seal face) are you joking?
L: It has bears in it?
G: um hmm
L: Its just plain insane.
G: (distracted) What hmm?
L: It's insane. Did you know he has a scene where a child is sexually
molested by a bear?
G: a bare what?
L: A bear! (growls and makes pawing motions)..as in Grizzly.
G: (stunned) Scooter Libby, the vice president of the USA's right hand
man wrote a story with a kid getting it done to 'em by a frickin' bear?
L: That's right.
G: GEEZUS!
(he turns to sit and pull on his pants)
How am I sposed to run a goll dern greatest nation on earth with
nut jobs like that on the payroll. ... A bear?
L: A bear.
(a moment of silence)
Maybe you should talk to your father.
G: Hah! That *****!(word deleted to comport with DU rules for posting..a
word that means 'cat' or slang-vulgar for a female's genitalia)
Well, at least I kicked Sad-damn's ass. ...they can't take that away
from me.
L: Yes, and look where its got you. (she steps out and turns around
modeling her hideous pant suit) Does this make my bottom look fat?
G: (not looking up) No..look great.
L: You didn't even look.
G: Gosh darn it Laura..if I say you look good YOU LOOK GOOD!
L: Right.
G: That bastard's a made to order bad guy. Heh heh. Hell he even looks
like the bad guy!
L: Well, he's still alive and ripping YOU everytime he opens his mouth
in that trial you so graciously provided him.smart guy.
G: That's what I'm talking about. Those MORONS that captured him.
that's my problem..idiots on every level. They thought we were SERIOUS
when we said 'take alive' if possible.
L: Yes, well the problem is, Georgie, that sometimes when you say 'is'
you MEAN "is". And other times, you mean "ain't"...right? Your
boy Billy had that right anyway.
G: (stops in the middle of putting on tie) Why do you compare EVERYTHING
I do to the arkansaw playboy? Huh?
L: (laughs) Not every thing Georgie..not everything. (turns with grin on
her face)
G: What's that sposed to mean?
(There is a knock on the door)
L: Nothing Georgie...(she goes to the door and opens it an inch or so
and then it is suddenly shoved aside by Karen Hughes)
Karen...it's a bit early isn't it?
K: (pushing thru and ignoring Laura)
You need to get to your office!
L: Good morning to you too.
K: Karl just got another subpoena for a grand jury, this one is under
seal. It came with a document subpoena too!
G: Well excuse me Karen...I was just gettin ready to stuff my balls in
my pants. (he tugs self while standing and tucking shirt in pants)
L: Gross!
G: you look a little scared Karen..maybe you should head back to Austin
and take care of your kiddos
K: I think you need to look at what they're targeting sir.
G: Think so? Ya know what I wiped my butt with this morning Karen?
(beat)
L: It wasn't a subpoeana.
to be continued
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