I am so upset with my Granparents right now

[Roon]

Let me back up.

My Cousin is a meth addict. He lives in my Aunt's very valuable house in my neck of the woods and he doesn't pay rent. He drinks and gets high on meth and hasn't worked for the last 10 years.My Aunt moved out to get married and the rent went from a trickle, to nothing, to her paying out money to support him. My Aunt totally supports him, makes the house payment, buys his food and his animal's food, pays the utilities, pays the phone. She also pays the emergency vet bills when one of the animals gets nailed by a car, which has happened at least twice since this crap started.

A few blocks away,my Grandparents have a nice duplex. I live on one side and they live on the other. It's a very nice part of town to live in and I get a HUGE break on the rent. I am on disability so I am here every day and all day and am able to be there for my Grandparents if need be. Of course, they are very elderly.

My Cousin likes to play out fantasies when he is on the drugs. They are delusions and they are played out often using my Grandparents as pawns. What it boils down to, is he plans these major events that make my Grandparents happy, and he doesn't show up. Going to the cabin, birthday parties, family reunions, etc. He gets involved just enough to get everyone together, then he doesn't show up because he is a crackhead. It's totally fucked up.

For my Grandfather's 85th birthday, he wanted everyone to show up to do some work in on this duplex that I share with them. We all agreed that it needed to be done. My cousin called me and told me that everyone was gonna get together and his mother..my aunt, would cook us dinner. I told him, yeah..yeah..whatever...let's do it this sunday...Oh NO!!! IT's gonna be a couple of weeks he insisted. So I just blew it off, like his so much other delusions.

I went next door to my Granparent's house on Saturday and my Grandmother asked me..."are you ready for tomorrow?" I asked, "what was tomorrow?" She told me about everyone getting together to clean up the property and that my cousin organized the whole thing...My blood pressure went through the roof!!!! GRANDMA!!!! What are you talking about?!?!?! Todd isn't going to be here tomorrow to work on this place. My Grandmother assured me that Todd was gonna fool me and show up. I sat and stewed about this for awhile on their couch. Then out of nowhere, my Grandfather started giving me a hard time about me playing my stereo too loud at night. I told him, I ALWAYS turn it down at ten....he didn't have anything to say after that. It was like I was over there bashing my cousin about not showing up for these events, and my Grandparents were gonna bash me for having my stereo up too loud...I let it go....

It's Sunday...time to work on the property....of course my cousin doesn't show up..as predicted, but his Mother showed up to cook dinner...Oh, Todd is having an anxiety attack she said...I told everyone, don't believe it...Todd causes the anxiety attacks in this family.

Anyway, here is my BITCH about the whole thing...Todd is treated differently by my Grandparents because his father never paid child support when he divorced his mom....My father was a very successful computer scientist and paid very good child support. Because of this, my Grandparents give my cousin all the breaks.

What pisses me off about all of this is.....If it was my cousin next door playing music loud, my Grandparents wouldn't say anything....if Todd was renting from my Grandparents and didn't pay rent due, my Grandparents wouldn't say anything <i am basically saying, Todd would get to live for free in this rental whereas i have to pay rent!> The double standard is very obvious...yet no one says a word!!!

I am very pissed. I am so pissed that I am ready to go on a rent strike and dare my 80 something Grandparents to evict me. I may think different tomorrow after I wake up and the beer is gone, but this is how I feel now!!!

[Writer]

1. My suggestion? Get out of there.

Do whatever you can do to make it happen. Just get out of this dysfunctional situation. You are much better than all of this.

[Roon]

2. Writer

You are very close to the mark...I am so ready to get out of here, I've had enough. So much crap...

[Writer]

3. I have a sister-in-law who is living in a dysfunctional situation.

She's doesn't have the largest salary in the world, but getting out and moving up/on will soon become one of the best decisions of her life. I can foresee it. ;)

[Roon]

4. Yeah, my cousin is past all that

He hasn't worked in so long that he is unemployable. I remember reading posts about your sister, I really hope she makes it! :-)

I called off the rent strike, that would be too much undo pressure on my Grandparents. I am just not going to be fooled by my cousin again.

[Debi]

5. Yep, remove yourself from the situation.

But also, don't compare yourself to your cousin. Every situation is unique and your Grandparents get to choose how they treat each of their children and grandchildren. You don't. You don't have any right to complain or correct. It's their decision.

I do agree, quit getting snowed by your cousin, do things for your Grandparents and family on your own and because you want to. And, if your cousin blows them off again just smile and say, "Well, thank goodness the rest of us were here - let's get this done", and move on. You'll lose less sleep about the mess and feel better about yourself.

[Roon]

8. Thanks Debi

That is what I needed to hear. Great post!

[Debi]

13. Whew...

Cuz I was afraid you'd tell me to shut up! :P

[Roon]

15. No way

I posted because I was really lost about how I felt about the whole thing. Seeing it from other points of views really helps me deal with things like this.

[Debi]

17. Good luck to you!

I was the bad seed and my brother was the good kid in our family. He wasn't very happy when Mom and Dad had to keep bailing me out of messes and his good deeds basically got ignored w/all my drama. Jump ahead 20 years. I'm straightened out but have major personal responsibilities. Mom and Dad and my brother and his wife go on vacation together and visit each other and go out to fancy dinners and stuff all the time (they can, they've worked hard and can afford it). I can't and sometimes get bummed. Then I realize that they enjoy their visits to our home and our visits to their home just as much - but differently. And it's all fine. Just gotta swallow some pride (bitter and not fun, but easier in the long run).

You'll do fine - this is a good lesson for other disputes further down the line.

d.

[Roon]

18. .

:hug:

[caty]

6. You have two options that I can think of.

Since you feel that living next door to you grandparents is beneficial to them, you can stay, but with one change. Don't bring up Todd to them. And, if they bring him up, make an excuse to leave. Don't go to any events Todd organizes. But go to the ones that are planned by other family members. Sometimes we have people in our lives who are like poison to us. We have an obligation to ourselves to cut these people out of our lives for the sake of our mental, emotional, and physical health. I know you hate to see your grandparents taken in by him. However, they are adults and Todd is their grandchild. It will take a lot for them to ever be able to stop caring and believing in him.

Or, you can move away. There is certainly nothing wrong with doing that. It might be the best thing you ever do for yourself. A new environment. New scenery. New friends. Having roots is good. But sometimes uprooting can make you grow more and thrive.

[Roon]

10. I really don't want to move

I'll stick it out. I pay good rent for this place and moving would mean a lifestyle change too! I am taking all of your advice though,I should have been doing it in the first place. He's not going to fool me again.

[MissB]

7. They set the bar higher for you.

And that isn't fair.

They set the bar wayyyyyy too low for him. And that sucks.

Be nice to your grandparents. They won't be around much longer.

[Roon]

11. Thanks missb

I will! :-)

[Midlodemocrat]

9. My advice.

And, I have endured a similar situation with my husband's family. Your grandparents love your cousin. Not more than they love you; differently. His inability to grow up leaves them scared/panicked with a what will happen to Todd question mark hanging over their heads.

My MIL gave EVERYTHING to my POS SIL because she was so incredibly dysfunctional and so messed up on booze that she couldn't make even one friend. My MIL felt that by doing that, everything would be fine. Well, guess what. It isn't. We had to rescue my FIL because SIL was abusing him. Abusing the man who was paying all the bills while she played at work and went shopping.

He now has a love/hate relationship with her. He wants to know about her, but doesn't ever want to see her again.

I think you might be in a similar boat. Your grandparents are not going to change how they react to/about Todd. You will have to change your reactions or move in order to reclaim your life.

Good luck, Roon. I know this isn't easy.

[Roon]

12. Thanks Midlodemocrat

I love the DU lounge for this very reason! You people RULE!!

[sendero]

14. Expecting families to be fair..

... is hopeless. I've seen this sort of thing many times. For whatever reason, your folks like todd or empathize with him. It doesn't matter that objectively, on paper, he is a jackass. There is something about him they like.

You cannot really control if someone "likes" you or not. you can go out of your way to be cordial, respectful, friendly, whatever, but you cannot make someone like you. It's not fair, but that is the way it is.

It's pointless for you to be mad at them for putting up with the guy, but if it comes down to them not treating you fairly then you have to decide if you want to put up with that or not.

I hope my words don't sound cold - they aren't meant to - they are just what I think I've learned from my own experiences.

[Roon]

16. Thanks Sendero

Your words aren't cold, I appreciate you taking the time to post. Thanks again!

[smitty]

19. It sounds like your aunt is the real problem here, she enables

your cousin's irresponsible behavior by subsidizing it. Your elderly grandparents are probably clueless as to what's really happening.

There's nothing you can do about this toxic situation except move away from it, but it appears that is not possible. A rent strike won't solve the problem, it would just hurt your grandparents financially.

Is there anyone else in your family (parents, siblings, cousins)or friends that you can talk to? That might help, but as long as Todd's behavior is subsidized by his mother the problem will remain.

[Roon]

20. Yes! She's an enabler

My Grandparents are extremly keen on what's going on, they just choose to ignore it. I am going to talk to my 23-year-old cousin about all of this. My Aunt has done the 12 steps and she knows all about enabling.

[smitty]

21. Talking with your 23 year old cousin is a good idea, a start.

Hopefully, the two of you can find ideas to alleviate this mess. It would even be better if you could get other family members involved.

Personally, I'd leave and find a new place to live away from the source of your unhappiness. I don't know if it is possible for you to do that, especially in light of your disability and the needs of your grandparents. But if you stay, be ready to accept more unhappiness.

Please remember that you have friends at the DU who are always here.

[Roon]

22. Thanks for the kind words, Smitty eom