Now I bring you a song of great emotional import

[ET Awful]

When Grandfather dies
Life will be strange
When Grandfather dies
My whole world will change
When Grandfather dies
I'll scream and I'll yell
'Cause I'll be richer than hell

So Grandfather, die
Don't keep me in suspense
Oh Grandfather, cough
Up that inheritance
Oh Grandfather, don't
Hold on another day
I love you to death
But I've got bills to pay

A stroke would be nice
Disease would be cool
I'll scatter his ashes
In my new swimming pool
I'll party with Hef
I'll dine with the Queen
So what say we unplug that machine?

Oh Grandfather, die
Before the fiscal year
Oh Grandfather, I
Wish Kevorkian were here
Oh Grandfather, die
Just take your final bow
Oh Grandfather, die
Family hates you anyhow

For God's sakes, you must be as old as the sun
Your Social Security Number is 1
You're deaf, dumb, and blind, and an amputee
You donate your blood every time that you pee
Your arthritis acts up whenever it rains
You're so old your penis has varicose veins

Oh, why don't you die, Grandpa?
Why must you fight?
You old sonofabitch
Just walk into the damn light
Walk toward the light, old man
Walk toward the light, old man

It's all over now
My granddad is dead
A mysterious blow
To his wrinkled old head
Before I collect
A small oversight
But everything should work out all right

I'll start working on my grandma tonight


(damn Stephen Lynch is a demented bastard)

[Oeditpus Rex]

1. So is Mark Graham

The curtain of darkness is falling
and my friends are all here at my side
Are those the sweet voices of angels
as I rise on that heavenly tide?
All hearts overflowin' with sadness
and those words left so often unsaid
Then I heard a voice whispering softly
"Can I have all your stuff when you're dead?"

"Could I have your TV and your pickup?
And I've always admired those shoes
Could I have that old dinin' room table?
And there's a couple of chairs I could use
Well, I know that you're headed to glory
And like a star up to heaven you'll shoot
When they write the last page of your story
can I try on that seersucker suit?"

It was the voice of my dear brother, Thomas
He was kneelin' down close by my side
His breath had just come from a funeral
for a mouthful of teeth that had died
Well, I prayed my last prayer for salvation
I was feelin' the touch of God's hand
But I could still hear the voice of my brother
as they struck up that old angel band

"Could I have your old ski boots and surfboard
and maybe that four-poster bed?
Would you mind if I took a few records?
Just Nirvana, the Stones and the Dead
Well, you know that you can't take it with you
to your heavenly home up on high
When you pass through those gates and they hand you your wings
can I have all your stuff when you die?"

But the angels consulted St. Peter
and flew me back to my hospital bed
My life was a new day a-dawning...

And the angels took Tommy instead