Can this marriage be saved?

[seaglass]

I think my husband and I are both fairly unhappy with the current state of our marriage. I don't want to lose him, I want to get things out and resolve them but I'm not sure how to do it.

I'm afraid that if we start a conversation it will result in recriminations and that will make the problems worse rather than better. I was thinking of maybe a powerpoint presentation ;-)

So has anyone had a marriage or long term relationship that felt like it was on the verge of collapse or even slowly eroding over time, that you have been able to set right?

Any advice?

[lizziegrace]

1. Get help now

Even if you only go to counseling alone. My ex made some very unfortunate decisions because he was unhappy and if he'd sought help rather than acting out, our marriage might have survived.

Just my view from the cheap seats.

:hug:

[seaglass]

3. If I go alone I'm not sure how it will help. Not that I am

against the idea at all, I just think that to resolve this we both need to change behavior. I've never had counseling before so I guess I'm not getting what it would do.

[Whoa_Nelly]

26. Here's the most important part to remember should you seek counseling alone

You can not change his behavior, but you can change yours. By choosing to make changes that are more positive for yourself, you take the option to be happier. This might or might not make a difference in your marriage, but it can be of great benefit to you.

just my two cents...

[wildhorses]

2. definitely get an objective third party stranger to referee

until you guys know how to communicate openly without hurting each other's feelings...





feel free to take my advice I am obviously NOT using it...



and that is why I am divorced

[mopinko]

4. we did it, but

not thanks to shrinky people. i think they are mostly full of shit. the ny times had a story a few months ago about a study of couple's therapy, and they found that it really doesn't work. just drags people through the mud for a while, and they end up divorced anyway.

however, we did do it. partly because we figured out that the hubby was sleep deprived due to apnea. which may sound personal to us, but sleep deprivation is incredibly wide spread.
the real problem was trust. suspicion and power plays sap the love and happiness out of everyone. when we have a cranky spell now, we take the time to find that love and affection again. you have to be able to feel it. imho, you are better off taking a long vacation together than spending $100/hr to sit and bitch at each other.

[seaglass]

5. Yeah, I want to avoid mud-dragging and to be honest, my

husband baring his soul to a counselor is not going to happen.

I feel like our issues start with a lack of kindness, but I'm not even positive that IS the starting point - I mean, what makes people treat each other unkindly - something deeper that I can get at I guess.

[mopinko]

6. trust

that is the bottom line. does he trust that you love him? is he afraid that you will abandon him? these things snowball quickly.
i will admit that my hubby had some individual therapy that helped things along. but he had a rare good one, i think. she focused on the future, not on scab picking. her advice- talk about what you want in life. make plans together. start small.
it is deep. good luck.

[seaglass]

7. That's an interesting question mopinko - I'm not sure either

of us does. Thanks, you've given me something to think about.

[crispini]

21. People treat each other unkindly....

because there is this weird idea floating around out there that it's OK to "let it all hang out" with the one you love "because we're a couple and we should share everything." So people get into the habit of being uncourteous to each other and in fact treat each other with less politeness than they would treat a total stranger or a distant coworker. When we should really be a little MORE solicitous towards the feelings of our nearest and dearest.

Now, I don't know if this applies to your PARTICULAR situation, I'm just generalizing here. :shrug:

[Coventina]

8. Good therapists are out there. It may take some looking.

When I went through a severe depression, I saw and rejected several counselors until I found one that "worked" for me.

I eventually kicked him to the curb as well, when I was a lot healthier and found out that he was a closet right-winger.

But he really did help me a lot, and for that I am eternally grateful.

[mopinko]

9. individual therapy for serious situations, yeah.

but my experience with couples- it's torture, useless torture. and yeah, you do have to dig through the pile.

[latebloomer]

10. Couples' therapy saved my marriage

We have spent nearly half our 15-year- marriage in counseling. We are doing very well today-- not perfect, but very well.

We found we benefited enormously from having a forum in which to address our issues. Most of us don't grow up with a role model of how to communicate and work out stuff-- our parents certainly didn't know how. So a lot of stuff festers, and, in my experience, if you let if fester too long the marriage is doomed.

Maybe you didn't have the right therapist, or your circumstances were different, but please don't condemn the process for everybody.

[mopinko]

12. i spoke only for myself.

therapy is not a magic bullet, and can cause an enormous amount of pain when it goes badly. i know, i have been there. the number of crazy people looking for their own answers by becoming shrinks is huge. and there is just no oversight. it isn't science, imho.
i'm not trying to stop anyone, but i think that people also should not feel guilty for not wanting to go that route. in the end, it is you who do the work or not anyway.

[latebloomer]

15. Well, you painted your earlier comments about therapy

with a very broad brush.

But I won't push the issue.

It works if you have a good therapist, if you're willing to work on it, and if your marriage is not too far gone. Too many people think of couple's therapy as life support, and they wait till they're on the verge of divorce to seek help. Most of us could use the help way, way earlier, before so much damage is done.

[LisaL]

17. Tell me about it.

Before the therapy, we were arguing. After the therapy, we would argue about what we told to the therapist. Basically, therapy made us to argue more. I do not think therapy is a magic bullet that will fix everything. In fact, it can make things worse.
LOL.

[nickinSTL]

23. you had a bad experience, and it may be that on average

couples therapy doesn't work.

However, realize that there are things that affect that, including how seriously the couple involved takes the therapy, how willing they are to do the work, in addition to the individual therapist.

There are a LOT of bad therapists out there, and even among the good ones, if the personalities aren't compatible, even a good therapist might not work for a particular couple.

It's worth it, IMO, to find a good therapist you can work with.

I've only once needed therapy, and got damn lucky, but I know a lot of people who've gone through lots of bad therapists before finding one they could work with.

[Maggie_May]

11. I don't know how long you have been married but,

I have been married for 19 years and about 10 years into our marriage I faced almost the same situation. We both did agree to go to counseling and it did help. I have to say my husband did not poor his heart till about the 8 or 9 visit but he did.I learned things about him and he learned things about me. I am very happy and so is he but, we do no longer hold our feeling inside. I tell him I love him even if I think he is being a jerk and he tells me the same even if I'm being a bitch. The big point is talk cry and laugh together.

Good Luck

[mopinko]

13. i think you have summed it up perfectly.

talking is hard, but ya gotta keep slogging through it. and hang on to the love, even when it is invisible.

[Shine]

14. I would definitely recommend some therapy, either for yourself or both

of you. Speaking from experience, a good therapist can really help to clarify one's feelings and determine a course of action. Esp. in couples' situation this can be useful b/c they can listen objectively and not get "hooked" into whatever dynamic is going on. Finding a good therapist is really important. They do exist.

Good luck to you. I wish you all the best.

:hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. The only way out of suffering is to plow right into it full on

then you will come out of it on the other side. Not that it means the marriage will be saved, but at least you will KNOW. And not that it means that the marriage won't be saved, but at least you will KNOW.

Living in the twilight world of not knowing - that's an awful situation to be in.

A relationship HAS to be open and honest.

[seaglass]

20. You're right, I am very confused right now and it is because

I don't know if I'm imagining things or if what I'm thinking/feeling is real.

We're not dishonest with each other but we certainly aren't open with each other otherwise I wouldn't have to be guessing, assuming, imagining.

[Rabrrrrrr]

22. Being honest doesn't just mean not lying; it means being honestly open

and telling the things that are bothering you. It means saying the things that feel scary to say, and going into the dark places that are scary to go into.

keeping those dark places unexplored is a form of dishonesty, as well.

[seaglass]

24. But some of those dark scary places are a result of who I am

and I don't think it would be good for anyone if I shared them. It would be better if I could just make them go away. So that seems to be the answer - it's me that needs the work.

[Rabrrrrrr]

25. Most often the best way to make them go away is to expose them to light;

then they cease to have control. And it's a wonderful feeling when they are destroyed, and then, at least with me, I wonder, "That was nothing - why did I let that shit control me for so long?"

[ncrainbowgrrl]

18. Yes, Been there.

Done that- bought the t-shirt.

We went to a marriage counselor. It wasn't easy to admit that we needed help, but it would have been a hell of a lot harder to just give up hope. What we both recognized was that WE were worth fighting for. We have no kids, just cats that are SO SO special to both of us. We realized how much we still loved each other when we were discussing what we would do if we did split up. We both realized that we didn't want to split the cats up- which would have meant that one of us would have taken both of them... We both couldn't stand the thought of the other one not having the cats, and broke down crying... We knew then that there was something that even with the fighting and cold shoulder and aloofness, we still cared so much for the other, and were willing to put our partner's happiness above our own.

We started counseling last year. We're closer than ever.

I hope this helps

-ncrainbowgrrl

[WritingIsMyReligion]

19. I'm just a young'un, yet, so I've no practical advice for you...

but here's a hug. :hug:

Hope you and your husband can work things out...

:hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

27. We're in counselling right now

It has improved matters somewhat. Some very ugly and difficult things that have been piling up over the course of ten years got said in a refereed setting. It might go better were I to commit to an outcome--definitely in, definitely out--but I haven't reached that point yet.

Our therapist is a dead ringer for Tipper Gore, who'd make a good marriage counsellor, come to think of it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

28. My parents did...

Their relationship was an abusive one...physically and emotionally.
My mother started going to counseling by herself. Eventually, my father started going too; when he knew that he had a choice between doing something about their problems or losing his wife. They remained married; but it wasn't easy for either of them.