Can men and women be "just friends"

[lizziegrace]

I think I'm falling hard for a "friend" and I have no idea where this is going to end up.

Help?

[hickman1937]

1. I used to think so.

I don't think this is the question you really wanted to ask though.:shrug:

[supernova]

2. Sure you can

it happens all the time.

It's rather fun to be friends with someone, be attracted to them, and not act on it for whatever reason.

[Common Sense Party]

35. It can also be fun to be friends and NOT be attracted to them.

I've worked with several great girls and women and we were friends and nothing more. My first "real" job out of college was in an office with mostly women. I was (and still am) happily married, but was good friends with several of the women (married and single) in that office. We're still friends today, years after the company was sold and we all moved on to other places.

Sure, men and women CAN be "just" friends. All it takes is being interested in someone as a human being, not as a potential sex partner.

[supernova]

67. Oops meant to reply here

See my post 66

[lizziegrace]

3. I don't know what to think

We're such good friends. But the qualities that make him such a good friend are the qualities I'm falling for. And what do I bring to this friendship/relationship?

So let's rephrase the question. If I'm falling for a friend, it can end one of two ways. I don't think I could bear losing him.

[LeftyMom]

4. sure, if that's what they want

It sounds like you want more. Makes things complicated, but it can work out.

[liberalhistorian]

57. It's very difficult to just be friends

with a member of the opposite sex if you want to be more than friends and he or she doesn't want that. Eventually, the resentment over the other person not feeling the same way you do and not wanting things to go forward when you do, and the emotional strain of not being able to have what you want or to act on your feelings when you're with them, will become too much no matter how often you may tell yourself to just get over it because at least you still have them as a friend. And if they actually start dating someone else-then that will REALLY be a difficult thing to deal with.

OTOH, every serious relationship and marriage needs to have a strong basis of friendship first in order to truly be successful, so if there's any chance at all of things progressing beyond friendship you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it with them. Of course, it hurts like hell when it doesn't go the way you want it too, though. Sorry if that's not quite the answer you were looking for!

[eyepaddle]

5. Y'know, I would like to say "no" but

I fell for a friend once. It ended badly. Very badly. That's why I want to say no, they can't.

I fell for a different friend a different time (or she fell for me perhaps) at any rate while we no longer live near each other we are still friends.

And then there are many women I have been just friends with--and am still friends with.

In a nuthsell, all bets are off.

Take a crack at it I'd say. If it isn't happening, well it isn't happening and you might lose the friend. However if you have feelings and he doesn't and you hide them, all you do is torture yourself. That is no fun. However if you view this as an exploration, well things should certainly be interesting.

Good luck!

[liberalhistorian]

59. That is definitely true, when

you have feelings for them but they don't and just want to stay friends and you have to hide it. It gets to a point where you just can't hide it any longer, and the resentment just keeps building up.

It's almost as bad being on the other side of that as well, when a friend wants to be more than friends and you don't and you know it's hurting them. But you can't make yourself feel something you don't.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

6. Anything wrong with if it was your bedroom?

[lizziegrace]

10. ??

I was in a marriage for a long time and treated like nothing special. Never a priority. So even at 44, this is all new to me. I'm not sure I know how to have "relationships" now.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

11. Didn't Mean It Offensively. I'm inquiring as to what the harm in taking

it to that level is. For example if one of you was married, already dating, already discussed that it wouldn't work, etc..

[lizziegrace]

14. No offense taken

I don't know if he sees me like that or even would. I may just be a sister-type to him. (He's younger than me.)

[Deja Q]

7. Only if either of them is homosexual

n/t

[lizziegrace]

8. The issue is

I don't know what he wants. And until I do, it'll be like this. Wondering.

[GOPisEvil]

13. You've got to address it with him.

If you don't you'll live your whole life not knowing. There's risk, sure, but there's no true reward without some risk.

(Note: I'm horrible at taking this advice, so I know of what I speak.)

[XemaSab]

9. It's possible

but it's a situation that may change if one person develops feelings for the other person.

[AlienGirl]

Yes

I have male friends to whom I am not attracted, and who are not attracted to me either. In fact, that's the case with the majority of guys I know--there is no attraction to each other.

Tucker

[Wapsie B]

12. It's a nice thought.

But if there are sexual feelings involved even just on the part of one person I don't believe the friendship can survive. You're then lovers, not friends. You have to decide what's more important to you both, a friendship or a love relationship.

[lizziegrace]

16. You're absolutely right n/t

[jpgray]

15. Yes--both have to find the other sexually uninteresting

Some guys find every potential mate sexually interesting.

[Blue-Jay]

42. I don't find YOU sexually interesting.

yet, I cry every night because you have never offered me a hug. :cry:

[lizziegrace]

44. Me??

:hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug::hug: :hug:

There...feel better?

[Blue-Jay]

45. I was responding to jp.

But thanks for the love. I'll still cry myself to sleep tonight, however.

[lizziegrace]

46. I thought the least I could do was give you a

:hug:

:hi:

[jpgray]

58. I fear beards.

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

17. Confession time

Only twice in my life have I seen someone and thought "I need to know this guy/man". Not in a sexual way but I knew I wanted to get to know them. The first was my ex-husband when he moved to my HS. The second (20-somthing years later) is this man I'm friends with. Not to say I haven't noticed or dated inbetween or since, but these two men stopped me in my tracks, before I knew who they were.

[lizziegrace]

18. And knowing this man now

is tough. He has all the qualities I want in a relationship at this point in my life. It's hard to put into words I guess.

[LeftyMom]

19. I can understand that.

You can't be true to yourself without pursuing it if you feel that strongly.

[nutsnberries]

24. yeah, i can too.

and i agree.

[Parrcrow]

20. The best person for you to ask

is this very dear friend of yours. Proceed with caution. Tell him something along the lines of "I think I'm developing a bit of a crush on you, but I'm worried..."


Good luck with it.

[lizziegrace]

23. You're all right.

And I'm chicken. But after going to hear his band play tonight, this is eating me up. I found myself jealous at times... Totally not what just a friend should feel.

[StellaBlue]

21. yes, but

almost always the man will be secretly wanting a sexual relationship or moving toward it, ultimately. I think for a man to spend any amount of time with a woman at all, he must be attracted to her. Otherwise, he's be with his buddies watching sports, burping, etc. This is my experience.

[ovidsen]

22. Yes you can

Sometimes you just know. And sometimes, it's a lot better that way.

Good luck! ;-)

[lizziegrace]

25. One day at a time right now

He calls whenever he's on the road. He could call anyone but he calls me. Several times a week, sometimes a couple times a day. We had lunch last week and talked for 2 1/2 hours. I'm confused. :crazy:

[GRLMGC]

26. You too?

It's not a very good feeling, is it?

[lizziegrace]

27. No, it certainly isn't!

If I had to choose between not having him my life at all or being friends, that's easy. We'd remain friends. But damn. I just don't want to ruin whatever this is. (someday, may we both find what the hell it is!!)

:hi:

[GRLMGC]

31. Aww hang in there

I think friendship may be more valuable in the long run. It's still really tough

[KeepItReal]

28. It mostly worked for me once...mostly

:-)

Good luck. Hope it does not go bad for you.

[lizziegrace]

29. How do you mean

it worked for you? See, now I've gotten myself confused on the board.

:hi:

[lizziegrace]

30. "Talking" this out with all of you has helped

I was pacing and getting a headache about it all before I started posting. I've calmed down a lot.

Thank you!!

But, keep the opinions coming. I'm so glad all of you are here!

[RevCheesehead]

32. Sounds to me like you've already taken that leap...

from friendship to wanting more. Nothing wrong with that.

You know what to do - you're just afraid. But just remember this: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. (yeah, I just made that up!)
And if you don't, you'll always kick yourself, wondering "what if..?"

In all seriousness, I have trouble meeting someone who is interested in taking a friendship to a new level. I tend to scare them off.
:insert sighing smiley here:

[lizziegrace]

33. Hi ya Rev!

That's what I'm afraid I might do. (Scare him off) I have esteem issues. Watching him play tonight, I kept thinking, "he calls ME??" "Why??" "He could confide in ANYONE"

I gotta get some self-respect going here fast.

[RevCheesehead]

34. Do you trust him?

Are you comfortable enough with him that you are willing to be vulnerable? To me, that's the mark of a good friendship.

If so, then why not just open your heart like you did right here? You can explore it gently, telling him you're wondering if the relationship might be going on to another level, your concerns, wanting to keep him as a friend, and so on....

WHY does he call you? Because he's thinking about you, that's why. Now all you have to do is find out what he's thinking... without overdoing it.

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

36. I'm not used to being the center of anyone's attention

I know that sounds dramatic, but that's the essence of all this confusion. Being treated like a whole lotta nothing special for so long and you start to believe it.

[lizziegrace]

37. I do trust him

and with him, trust is huge. We talk about things that I know he doesn't want "out there" and I have no intention of breaking that trust. I guess he sees me as safe.

[RevCheesehead]

38. Then do him the ultimate honor, by trusting him.

At least, you'll have some idea of what he feels. You can still retain a friendship, too. After all, isn't that the basis of a good marriage/partnership?

BTW - I never told you, but I got the bumpersticker in the mail! :bounce:
(it came while I was on vacation) Thanks so much!!!

[lizziegrace]

39. You're welcome!

Any comments on it yet?

[RevCheesehead]

48. Ummm.....

I haven't gotten that far, yet. :blush:
But it is sitting next to the stove, in plain view. One of these days, I'm going to actually get something done around here. I've just been so damned tired, I haven't felt like it.

[lizziegrace]

52. For God's sake woman!

Stick it in your back window at least!

:P

[lizziegrace]

41. Sent you a PM (n/t)

[meow2u3]

40. My younger sister fell for a friend

She ended up marrying him.

[lizziegrace]

43. If we weren't both single

this would be easy!

I'm glad for your sister. :)

[Floogeldy]

47. Not if she is "hot."

;)

[Ptah]

49. I have tried three time to compose a response.

The women that I count among my friends
are much more important than any other women I have
ever known.

If I ever refered to any of them
as 'just' friends,well it wouldn't happen.

[RevCheesehead]

50. That is why we love you, Ptah.

What an awesomely wonderful thing to say!!! :hug:

[Ptah]

54. I love cheese.

Thanks.

[lizziegrace]

51. How about

friends only rather than "just friends"?

:hi:

[Ptah]

60. Friendship has grown to be more valuable than

romance.

Just sayin'

[lizziegrace]

53. Hey Rev

Another PM to ya!

[lizziegrace]

55. Okay y'all

I was kept up last night by my neighbor's barking dog. I think I got maybe 2 hours sleep. I'm beat. Feel free to carry on, but don't get upset if I don't repond.

Y'all are terrific. Thank you so much for being here in my computer!

:grouphug:

[leftofthedial]

56. nope

it's either wild, nekkid monkey love

or nothing but mutual self deception

get it on, girl!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

61. I don't believe in "just friends".

I love my friends dearly...passionately even. It doesn't matter whether they're men or women. Each one fills a special place in my life and my heart that my husband and family can't fill. That doesn't mean I want to have a sexual relationship with them; in fact sex would really ruin it, I think.

There are many with whom I am "just acquaintances"; but precious few who are my friends.

[lizziegrace]

62. Things look better in the morning

Note to self, do not go watch this man play. Too, um, unsettling.

[RetroLounge]

63. How about going the other direction?

Can you go from loving someone you are with, to remaining friends after they leave you?

:shrug:

RL

[lizziegrace]

64. Yes, I think you can, if you both want it

My ex and I are friends. We went through horrible times as he decided a 27 year old was more to his liking than me. While I've forgiven (and it was hard), I will never forget. For our daughter's sake, we did everything possible to keep our relationship civil. We started out as friends years and years ago and now we're friends again. You can't have a history (we met when I was 16), have a child and not still have feelings for someone you loved so much of your adult life.

Sorry if this is too much information.

[RetroLounge]

65. Not too much info, just what I am looking at

as my future. ironically, her new love is also 27...

I want to get to that point, for the kids, as well as my own mental health.

RL

[lizziegrace]

69. It will take time

lots and lots of time and angst. My ex's affair was in 1998. I think I finally came to terms with the whole mess about 2-3 years ago. But that didn't mean I didn't try for my daughter's sake. It was a facade until I could reconcile it all.

[RetroLounge]

71. Just too much bouncing back and forth

between understanding and anger...

I'll get there, I hope, because I know how to get there and have the tools necessary to do so. Just not always willing to do the work because the long road ahead seems so daunting and everything is still so raw.

RL

[lizziegrace]

72. When that gavel falls at the divorce hearing

you feel emotions you never thought you'd feel. My ex almost collapsed. It's sad, it's so incredibly painful and the only way to get through it is to go headlong into it. Once you do that, you can begin to resolve your feelings. You'll have days you'll hate her and everyone else. And others you won't. Eventually you'll have more days that are good. This is no different than grieving a death. Only difference is you still must see her and deal with her.

All the best to you RL. I don't envy your journey but know you will make it through.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

75. Thanks

I also am fortunate to have much love and joy in my life from many many friends. These times of joy are there to remind me I will have a life beyond this, this will not define me, and I will one day in the future be even happier, more joyous, and more free than I ever was.

"We are not a glum lot..."

RL

[supernova]

66. Yes, of course, I have several of those

types of friendships. I know several men that I see socially and have nothing but platonic feelings for them. But she's talking about romantic feelings for a "friend." What do you do if the feeling isn't mutual? Do you bag the friendship part too?

I'm saying you don't have to. I think the key is to concentrate on whether that person is happy and try to be happy for them, if it's not you. And pat yourself on the back for recognizing a great person.

[Common Sense Party]

80. Yup. I'd have to agree. That's the way to go.

There were friends I had that, frankly, I wished they would have been more than friends. But they were happy where they were, and who was I to deny them happiness?

[RandomKoolzip]

68. Hell yes!

Most of my friends are women. Guys ought to try making friends with more females without the overtone of "possible sex" getting in the way. Intergender friendships are very rewarding, plus women can give you tips and pointers about what OTHER women want in relationships, which can help you out immensely.

[ScreamingMeemie]

74. Like which colognes are totally noxious.

:thumbsup: :hi:

[RandomKoolzip]

78. I know for a fact "Axe" cologne will kill ANY chance a man

might have with a woman. Those commercials depict the exact opposite reaction one will receive from a woman when one applies "Axe" cologne to oneself. Sometimes they don't even wait long enough to run to the bathroom before they vomit all over your shoes....

[Nikia]

70. Of course

It is easier though if you aren't attracted to them and/or one or both of them has a serious romantic/sexual relationship with someone else.
In your case, you are both single. You have romantic feelings for him but are not sure if he has them for you. If there are no other obstacles to having a relationship with him, you probably should find out his feelings and intentions for you. The uncertainty of things is what causes the most stress.
If you still want to be friends after the revalation if he just wants to remain friends, respect his feelings. You already said that you are friends with your sex so you have been able to remain friends with someone for whom you had those feelings.
If he wants a relationship, you could pursue it. If you do have concerns about doing the whole relationship thing right, you could always express that to him and take it slow.
Good luck.

[Boojatta]

81. Freudian typographical error?

"You already said that you are friends with your sex so you have been able to remain friends with someone for whom you had those feelings."

ex = ex sex-provider?

[ScreamingMeemie]

73. MrG and I were "just friends"...until he accidentally told me he loved

me after one of those long, delicious kind of hugs that stop your heart for a few minutes. And I realized that I loved him too. And we took it slow from there.

You could play this one of two ways...lay it all out there and see what happens, or wait and see. Whatever you think your stomach (heart) can take is probably the best option. In my case, I was so happy to have MrG's friendship that anything else was just even more cake.

Best of luck lizziegrace. You are fast becoming one of DU's sweetest. I hope it works out the way you wish for it too. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

76. Thank Mrs.G

:hug:

[Rich Hunt]

77. of course they can!!

I hate the notion that a man and a woman can't be 'just friends'.

I've gotten dogged with that crap my whole life - I hang out with a member of the os,
and people (usu. relatives) say, 'ooo, is that the new person you're dating'?
Butt out - some people aren't thinking about sex and romance 24 hours a day.

Of course, I grew up very close to a sibling who was of the opposite sex.
We were playmates and of course I was friends with all of his friends.
He's always had lots of female friends, too. Perhaps your attitude
depends on your circumstances.

I hate that attitude, it's so 1950s and repressive.

Of course this question is hetero-biased, too.

[Jade Fox]

79. Yes

Admittedly, it's a lot easier to be friends with men who are married/committed, or gay. That way the question of whether or not you're going to do it is already answered: No.

I love my male friends.