Fun with freeper revisionist history chain e-mail (your suggestions?)

[joefree1]

Got this freeper chain e-mail from a friend who got it from a conservative friend. See below the freeper version then my version that I, "reply to all," sent back. Your suggestions?

Important History Lessong
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

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My version ...

Subject: Important History Lesson on Chickenhawks

This is why Chickenhawks want to revise the history of humans...

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in
Winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Chickenhawks and the rest of us.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. “It takes a village.”

Men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. Women stayed near the village to take care of the fire for the B-B-Q and keep the beer out of the sun. This community effort insured that all got some beer and B-B-Q.

However there were some men who were weaker and scared of hunting so they learned to live off the community by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and praising the other men for their hunting skills while eating most of the meat and drinking most of the beer.

These men were called Chickenhawks by the rest of the village because of they were all talk and no action. Some Chickenhawks learned to make shoddy bows and arrows for the real hunters so they could trade for more beer and B-B-Q. These Chickenhawks evolved into a tribe called the Military Industrial Complex. The other non-hunters devolved into politicians from Texas.

Those who insisted that the Chickenhawks help in the hunt instead of just talking, eating B-B-Q, and drinking all the beer, became known as Liberals.

Some noteworthy Chickenhawk achievements include Junk bonds, “Intelligent Design” theory, and big expensive complicated bows and arrows that rarely worked. A Chickenhawk also invented the Diebold electronic voting machine so Chickenhawks could change any village election that insisted that they had to help hunt.

Over the years Chickenhawks came to be symbolized by large bloated elephants stomping around making a lot of noises and a big mess but easily shot with bows and arrows. Liberals are symbolized by a mule because they are hard working but not easily pushed around.

Modern Chickenhawks prefer expensive champagne to go with their cocaine. That is unless they run for President where they have to appear to be sober while walking around with a bow and arrow that he never shoots.

Most evangelical preachers, managers at Wallmart, and white-collar criminals are Chickenhawks.

Chickenhawks invented the professional sports salary cap so players could never make more money then team owners.

Chickenhawks produce little or nothing. They like to "manage" the hunt and decide how to get more and more of the beer and B-B-Q.

Each and every Chickenhawk believes he is enlightened by God and knows what’s best for everyone else.

Chickenhawks remained in England while our Founding Fathers were fighting for our freedom. Chickenhawks crept into America to see if they could sell the founding fathers useless bows and arrows.

Chickenhawks try to revise this history lesson to hide their cowardly profit making ways. However soon or later one of them gets caught outing a CIA agent, insider trading, or laundering campaign funds. Then they all turn on each other trying to save their own fat grubby necks.

To see a more history on current day Chickenhawks and their lack of skill with a bow and arrow or how many hunts they missed please see the following web site:

http://www.nhgazette.com/news/chickenhawks/chickenhawk_headquarters/