Quote Douglas Adams fearlessly, at length, and without reserve

[Bossy Monkey]

except of course for copyright restraints. This is a little less famous than some of his lines:

"If you took a couple of David Bowies and stuck one of the David Bowies on the top of the other David Bowie, then attached another David Bowie to the end of each of the arms of the upper of the first two David Bowies and wrapped the whole business up in a dirty beach robe you would then have something which didn't exactly look like John Watson, but which those who knew him would find hauntingly familiar.

"He was tall and he gangled."

Ok, feel free to do all the familiar ones now...

[Cannikin]

1. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because he has achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on whilst all the dolphins have ever done is muck about in the water, having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons. Dolphins have long known of the impending destruction of the Planet Earth and have made many attempts to alert mankind of the danger; but most of their communications are misinterpreted. For instance, the last-ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards somersault through a hoop whilst whistling “The Star Spangled Banner,” but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.

[DelawareValleyDem]

2. OK, here goes

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in it. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.