Have you ever loved somebody so much and they just can't see it?

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

I'm in this position right now and god does it suck. Ever been there?

/rant

[curse10]

1. Oh yes

and yes it does suck.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

2. i just cry about it

and it just sucks sucks sucks

[curse10]

15. Although it's hard to see this now

but you do get over it. I was madly in love with this guy. Told him. Bad idea. He broke my heart in the cruelest way. Then... we went to the same university together. Had 8:00 a.m. music theory together. I ended up leaving the school. I couldn't deal with it. I was severely depressed. It took a while, but I did move on-- and rightly so. Now he's gotten fat and is going bald, and has tons of hair on his back! And, he's married to a mega-bitch. Sucks to be him. He missed out.

[brainshrub]

3. Oh yes

It's part of becoming an adult. If you don't let go, you will never mature fully. It sucks, but I'm sure caterpillars hate getting out of that cocoon.

Here's my advice: Stay the hell away from him/her. Don't call, don't visit don't make excuses to keep in touch. The longer you do, the more it will break you.

I know what I'm talking about.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

6. impossible

impossible to stay away

[brainshrub]

19. Did you believe in Santa as a kid?

But you grew out of it didn't you? This is the same kind of thing. You can live without him/her...either accept it now, or let it eat you alive.

You will grow out of this belief that you can't live without him. You lived for years without her, and you'll go on for decades without.

The pain will dim with time. The first 6 months will suck, it will feel like a kick in the face. After about a year, it will feel like you have a hole in your gut. After 18 months, it will feel like a scratch you can't itch in the back of your mind. After two years you will realize that a full week has passed and you didn't think about him once.

It's part of growing up...especially if your artistically inclined. It's like hitting puberty, you can't prevent it. Swallow the truth because if you don't, it will stunt your growth.

[Gephard]

96. Impossible? FIND A WAY!!!!!!!!

TO: There now

Re: Unrequited love.

I have been there and there is no good end for this.

Cut your losses and move on. The longer you hold on the more pain it will cause and it could ruin a good portion of your life. You don't need that.

FROM: Been there.

[TheReligiousLeft]

4. Yeah

It isn't the funnest place to be. I'm sorry you are there right now. I'd suggest going for as direct of an approach as you can. If that doesn't work try and forget about that person. Turn inwards, and build yourself up until you love yourself, then, once you have rid yourself of co-dependance another person will come along, but maybe that time it will go better.
That said right now I'm so single it isn't even funny (Although I do find myself laughing at my situation from time to time).

[JohnKleeb]

5. No not really but I sympathize

It must suck.

[Kamika]

7. heres a tip. Let others fall in love with you. dont fall in love yourself

Never fall in love with someone. I did it once and just got hurt, it's not worth it.

From then on I only let others fall in love with me until I know I have them. Then when I'm sure he loves me I'll allow myself to fall in love with him.

Then the chance of gettin hurt isn't that big.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

8. that too is impossible for me

i am a romantic. it is hard for me to not fall in love with something.

[Bok_Tukalo]

36. Bummer Hoshi

I find your answer unsettling.

Unless a relationship is equal, it is doomed.

[Kamika]

42. Whats not equal?

about it

[7th_Sephiroth]

88. that sucks babe

*hugs* dont let one asshole ruin it for you

[Shanty Oilish]

9. Got kids?

That usually does the trick.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

10. no, i'm 16

lol

[ant]

11. why?

Why doesn't s/he see it? Have you said something and been rejected or have you not said anything at all?

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

12. haven't said a thing

anything i say will ruin anything we have right now

[salinen]

yes they can

and that is the hardest lesson. welcome to the human race.

[DemExpat]

18. But what you have right now hurts so bad........

it will be worth it to break the secret open and reach a solution.

But I certainly know what this feels like too....

All the best in dealing with this,

:hug:

DemEx

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

23. i know

thanks

[ant]

20. why?

(Do I sound like a four-year old yet?)

Is s/he taken?

I'm a big fan of laying it all out. I've done it all - made an ass out of myself many, MANY times in the name of love, and I'll KEEP doing it. If it's not meant to be, knowing for certain will help you move on. And if it is meant to be, well, it can't be until you say something.

[TheReligiousLeft]

22. As a former practicers of the "it will ruin anything we have right now"

club I say if the current situation is causing you so much pain as it is ruining pain isn't a bad thing.
Then again I'm sitting alone in my dorm room with the lights off advising a 16 year old online...
At any rate I'd try to go for it if I were you. "You have nothing to lose but your chains."
Remember often times the other person is just as confused as you. They too are experiencing similar emotions and the like. And usually even if you think you have ruined something it is salvagable. It isn't like you bulldozed a house, instead it is like you've drilled a small hole in it so you can look inside, after that peek you can always putty it up.

[corarose]

13. Have you ever had someone use you because

They couldn't get the person that they wanted.

Happened to me before.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

14. yes

yes i have.

[JohnKleeb]

16. Thats terrible I am sorry you were subjected to that

Good luck with this Maggie.

[corarose]

33. You have to let them know somehow but take it slow

Have you invited the person over for dinner?

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

35. impossible

so impossible you have no idea

[VelmaD]

38. As long as you keep telling yourself...

that it's "impossible" it will be. We help create our own reality. You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You tell yourself it's impossible so you don't even try.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

44. The point is that it can't work

It can never work, I'm not just saying that, to try would be failure instantly.

[corarose]

48. Never say Never

How do you know the person doesn't like you and they are not expressing it because they don't know how.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

49. huge barriers

so huge

[politicat]

82. Barriers are not insurmountable.

When I met my husband, he was married to someone else and I was attached, too. Even though we both knew we were right for each other early on, we individually thought it was impossible and just... oh, welled it.

Then she left him and I left my ex and they ended up together (for a while) and the DH and I have been married 3 years.

Alternately, long before the ex and long before I found I had a bi side, I had a GF whom I would have moved the world for and she for me... but she died. We thought it was impossible, too because back then being lesbians wasn't at all okay.... but it worked for as long as she lived and we were deliriously happy. But before we could admit it, it was hellish and we hurt ourselves quite well waiting each other out.

Things change and it takes time. I know that at 16 it seems that next year is forever away, but it's not.

I agree with the poster above who said live your own life and keep him/her outside of yours; love yourself and be happy with yourself; don't dwell on this now. You have a glorious long life ahead of you and while it hurts, it's a growing pain. You have to go through it, but now it feels like ice in your chest.

The only advice I have is take care of you. If it's going to happen, it will.

Enjoy DC. I did NYLC when I was 15 and loved it. Sounds like they've improved the program a lot, too.

Politicat

[VelmaD]

50. I can't say this enough times...

as long as you believe it can't work...then it can't.

I'm sorry you're in pain and I don't want to just argue with you and make you feel worse. But I like you a lot, you're a great kid, and I don't want to see you sabotage your chances for happiness.

I can remember telling myself exactly what you're telling yourself now. I regret like crazy that I never told the guy involved the truth and found out how he really felt. Instead we rocked along for years and eventually the friendship died from the strain of unresolved feelings anyway.

[corarose]

66. You don't give up and never say never

I have done it in the past and I know you never say never.

[Nikia]

17. Be direct and then deal with it

I don't know how often you see this person or if you are friends. Tell this person this you have feelings for him/her. Their response will either be positive or negative. If it is negative, then you can let go and get on with your life. If this person just wants to be friends, I hope that you can transform your love into true friendship. It can work out alright. In college, I was "in love" with a guy, who ended up never dating anyone while in college, for months. I finally revealed my feelings, was rejected, stayed friends with the guy, and started dating my husband a short time later.
That doesn't mean that it won't hurt if you are rejected, but at least you will know. Good luck.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

21. I don't want to wreck anything

it would be impossible for me to say anything about it

[Nikia]

31. Then you are friends

Like I said, it doesn't have to be negative, but then again some people might break the friendship which would probably hurt you even more. The truth is that a friendship does not have to be an inferior relationship to a romantic one. Then again, you are a single sixteen year old and you want a relationship and you want it to be with your friend who you have strong feelings for. Are there barriers to dating this person? Are they with someone else or seem to be intersted in someone else? Does this person really have no idea of your feelings? If you feel that you really cannot say anything, work on developing the friendship and see how you feel, but don't wait on this person to discover your feelings and fall in love as well because it may never happen. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone feel something that they don't. I know, it sucks.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

32. huge barriers

nt

[Nikia]

47. I suppose you might not want to share those barriers

If those barriers are like the barriers I faced when I was in love with my married coach in high school, then you probably shouldn't say anything, develop the appropriate relationship as far as you want, but try to concentrate your romantic energies on someone else.
If it is a person your own age, any barrier that I can think of could change in the future. There are certain barriers that you have to accept though in time. You should never try to break someone else's relationship or change their sexual orientation. These are not things that you should do to someone who you care about. I think that if there are big barriers now, even if they might change in the future, you might want to consider trying to date someone else, to channel those energies away from the person, and see how your friendship goes.

[SOteric]

24. It was a while back, but yes.

Mass suckage.

[slinkerwink]

25. yes, I have, and it's torn me apart twice...

The first time, I fell in love with a straight woman named Amy. She was this blue-eyed woman with dark, wavy tresses. She used to cry on my shoulder about leaving her boyfriend, Stefano, back in Italy. I would literally have done anything for her. She used to walk with me by linking her arm through mine and used to say I was the most steadying presence in her life. She also used to flirt with me by baring her chest most of the time, and she'd ask me which bra to use. She knew I was bisexual and I knew she was flirting with me but I was never sure if it was a power play or actual flirting.

Either way, she made me go into a deep depression and I realized I really couldn't be around her because I was obsessing too much to the point of contemplating suicide. I withdrew my friendship and rarely talked to her. She's now in Italy for junior year. I haven't heard from her at all.

The second time, it was with my ex-girlfriend, Kristi. I loved her so much....I fell in love with her the first time I slept with her. I didn't expect to fall in love that fast. I can't tell you how being around her made me so happy. I felt so delirious, like I could walk on the very air she breathed. All she had to do was kiss the back of my neck and wrap her arms around me, and I was in heaven. The sex was absolutely magical with her. I have memories of drinking red wine with her in her living room, and then kissing on the couch, against the doorway to the kitchen, kissing her with her legs wrapped around me as she sat on the kitchen table, and then finally falling into bed with her.

She was a hard-core feminist, and didn't believe in the concept of love. She equated it to capitalism by saying it was like a hallmark card. She was very upset that I told her that I loved her, and detached herself very quickly. I was completely torn afterwards and inconsolable by my friends at Smith. It's taken me a very, very, very long time to get over Kristi, and I'm still not completely over her.

[ant]

26. a Smithie?

'97 here. Wilder house. :hi:

Sorry to hear she broke your heart.


Edited for Smith blasphemy...called my house a dorm.

[slinkerwink]

29. hey, King House here

well, my heart is now 90% melded by now...I asked a friend of mine out, but she turned me down....I'm still hopeful though.

[ant]

34. I've asked lots of friends out

...and also been turned down, but such is life. You pick up, brush off, and find another victim, I mean love interest. ;)

Above all, have fun. Even the heartbreak is glorious, 'cause then you know you can feel. Relish it all.

[slinkerwink]

37. yeah, but then there's the letdown after each rejection

and you begin to wonder what's the matter with you, if you're attractive or not, etcetera.......

With me, I let the letdown last for a few days, and then I pick myself up, hit Diva's, drink a Corona or two, and flirt with a couple of older women.

It's like, where are the cute, available women? I know they're at Smith but it's hard to know if they're straight or not. I know the butch-looking women aren't straight because they're easily identifiable, but I love lipstick femmes....yumm....only if there could be a giant symbol on their foreheads "available lipstick femme"....

[Kamika]

51. whats a lipstick femme?

I had this woman who I later found out was referred to as a "stud" ask me if I was a lipstick femme(she and her friend said some nasty comments while I blushed like an idiot :p).

If I was lesbian I would have it easy :p

[slinkerwink]

52. A lipstick femme is a lesbian who's straight-looking and wears lip gloss

there's your explanation ;-)

I'm just a lipstick bisexual woman.....women are just like men in the aspect that they can hurt you in the matters of the heart.

[Kamika]

53. Hey thats me!

If I was lesbian that is :D

[slinkerwink]

54. ha, too bad I can't tempt you over to the "dark side"

where fun, unmentionable things are done....:nonchalant whistle:

[VelmaD]

56. Offer her the toaster...

that always lures them in. :evilgrin:

[slinkerwink]

57. and the Pop Tarts also!

Nothing says "queerdom" like strawberry pop-tarts in a toaster in the friendly neighborhood welcome wagon, lol. :hi:

[VelmaD]

58. Eew...pop tarts...

ick.

I guess that finally explains my lack of girl experience. Who knew? :shrug:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

59. Are you two hijacking my thread!

sheesh!

[slinkerwink]

62. sorry, but here's some advice....

If you truly love her, then you should tell her or the suspense of not knowing will tear you apart on the inside. Don't let fear get the best of you. If she says no, then it's meant not to be.

[Kamika]

63. omg

Its a "HER"??

I feel so oldfashion all of a sudden

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

64. No, it's a guy

lol

[Kamika]

65. Ok

Atleast I'm not alone :p


Anyway I hope we cheered you up some

[slinkerwink]

70. oops, my pure apologies....

It's hard to do with guys....since they're supposed to be "emotionally distant" per their "gender roles"

[regnaD kciN]

97. At any rate...

...if the guy is a) attached, b) gay, or c) a member of some religious or ethnic group that would strongly reject you as a partner, it is probably best to hold your peace. Otherwise, I would tell him. You say it would "ruin everything," but is the "everything" you have right now so wonderful? It sounds like it's causing you nothing but pain. Be honest with yourself -- isn't the only reason you're enduring the current situation that you're hoping that, eventually, things may change?

When I was around the age you are now (actually, in my case, a range from about 13 to 20), I was in the situation you are now several times. Each time, I was afraid to say something because I was convinced it was hopeless and would only lead to worse pain. Looking back, I realize that none of the situations were as hopeless as I imagined at the time, and, in at least a couple of the cases, I came to realize that the girl involved actually reciprocated my feelings, but was just as scared to admit it as I was. Now, I feel like an idiot about those times.

A few years later, I found myself in a similar situation, and (eventually, after several months of "just friends") made clear how I felt about her. And we've been married twelve years, now...

[Kamika]

60. okok

So whats the pop tart?

I know the "stud" and the "lipstick -femme" (which im a member of)

But whats the pop tart?

This lesbian scene thing is pretty funny :)

[slinkerwink]

61. just kidding about the pop tart :-)

:-)

[regnaD kciN]

93. Huh?

Nothing says "queerdom" like strawberry pop-tarts in a toaster in the friendly neighborhood welcome wagon, lol.

I hope strawberry pop-tarts in a toaster oven has a "straight" connotation! Otherwise, I may have to re-think my sexual orientation...which would certainly be a shock to my wife and daughter...

;-)

[slinkerwink]

94. ha, put a good 'scare in them

Talk about how you really want to be on that show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" because there's something wrong with your eyes lately.

::grins::

[slinkerwink]

40. lol, how dare you? you've been outside "the bubble" too long!

;-)

[brainshrub]

41. Love is a capitalism thing?

Marriage maybe, but not love.

[slinkerwink]

46. that's what she said.

:sigh:

[Jackhammer Jesus]

67. If love's like a Hallmark card,

I'd like to know where I can get one of those cards. I've yet to see anything money can buy that could even remotely compare to true love.

But maybe that's I'm just not unbelievably rock-star rich yet. :shrug:

[brainshrub]

72. "Sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy."

-Steve Martin-

[slinkerwink]

73. lol, sex really shouldn't be cheapened by money....

[regnaD kciN]

98. Keep in mind the old Irish proverb...

"Sex with love is the most beautiful thing in the world. But, beware! Sex without love...ah, sex without love...

...is the second most beautiful thing."

:evilgrin:

[NightTrain]

95. Smith, huh?

I spent a lot of time hanging out in Northampton during the '80s and '90s. Great little town, isn't it?

[slinkerwink]

100. yep, it sure is!

I completely blame my chai addiction on Northampton...before I came to Smith College, I'd never heard of chai and my caffeine fixation was cafe mocha.

[VelmaD]

27. Some free advice

I know you think you can't tell this person becuase "it'll ruin things" but I think you know that you have to. One of two things will happen. Either they will share your feelings and you'll hook up. Or they won't share your feelings and you can find someone else who has enough sense to want to be with you. As long as you stay quiet and hold onto this pain you keep yourself from finding someone who loves you.

Be brave. It's worth it. I know that all the regrets I have in life are for things I did not do, things I did not say. I don't want that to happen for you.

You can do it honey. And no matter how it works out we'll all be here for you.

[populistmom]

30. I completely agree

Sometimes in life, you just have to take a chance. Sometimes when you're young, waiting until there's a time right before a break (like Christmas) and approach your person of interest. That way, there's a little time to get over things if it doesn't work out, or better yet, more time to spend together out of school when it DOES!
Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

[Barbicel]

28. A simple rule. Someone who doesn't return your love isn't worthy of it

I don't care WHO it is. Chasing someone like that is always a losing proposition. Never in the history of mankind has someone seen the errors of their ways and turned loving while the other person continued pining away (without some other outside impetus). Spend your thoughts on someone who is deserving of them.

[VOX]

39. Been there. And it sucks mightily.

But it's not actually love if the other person doesn't even know about it. It's more like being in love with the idea of being in love with that person.

I remember some situations where, knowing that if I went for it, and it didn't work out, I wouldn't even have the fantasy of maybe loving that person any more. Since the fantasy was the sure thing, I didn't go after it for real. (How neurotic is that?)

Nevertheless, it does hurt. A big hurt. And I'm sorry to say that this can still happen when you're and adult. But it does get easier to cope with.

Take good care, Maggie. I know you're hurting now, but you're super-intelligent, witty and quite the looker, if I may say so. You've got so much to offer, and lots of time ahead of you. It'll be okay.

Hang in there -- (((((((big hug))))))))))

[Nailzberg]

43. I'm there right now. Sucks.

[Jackhammer Jesus]

45. Been there, done that, it sucked.

I feel for you. Same situation happened to me with a good friend of mine. I was crazy about her but didn't want to be too obvious about it because it could have caused problems in our friendship and also could've made things ridiculously awkward. So I guess I can sympathize.

Time helps. Finding someone new helps even more. And as hard or damaging as it might sound, talking it out is the absolute best way to find some resolution. But, that said, I know exactly where you're coming from - I didn't say a word about it to her. I made ridiculous overt hints whenever possible. We flirted back and forth a lot, but nothing ever came of it, and eventually I realized it was time to move on.

If the situation starts to feel hopeless, it probably is, and going on will only hurt you in the long run.

I guess the best advice I can give is to start looking for love elsewhere. If you find someone else - even if you don't feel as strongly about them as the other guy - the fact that they reciprocate your feelings should mean a hell of a lot more than infatuation with someone who won't acknowledge them.

Hope you get over this soon. Keep us posted if things turn around, will ya? :7

[leftist_rebel1569]

55. OH GOD YES

One of the most painful experiences i've ever had. It started a whole chain reaction of events that started affecting my friendship with her and a few other people that I had been friends with for a long time. So, why is it so impossible to tell this person that you like him?

[MissMillie]

68. Don't get me started (n/t)

.

[radwriter0555]

69. Why would you love someone who doesn't love you? that isn't love...

that's overheated hormones.

[kskiska]

71. Unrequited love.

The only love that lasts. It lasts a lifetime.

--Woody Allen

[ProudGerman]

74. Listen to those that have posted

Let them know. The only impossibly barrier is the one you're imposing on yourself to protect yourself.

The several posters who have stated are correct. The only things you will regret in life are things you didn't do. Other things you might be embarrassed about, but the things you don't do will always have the question of what could have been hanging over them, and they hurt the most. Don't be a loser in love like I've been. Please.

[ScreamingMeemie]

75. Every day of my life...it seems on some days.

:( Buck up little camper. Hugs to you.

[Nikia]

76. I hope its not because you think he's too good for you

Don't put yourself down like that. Even if he is the coolest, hottest guy in the world and there are other girls that you think are cooler and more attractive than you doesn't mean that he would rather date them than you. There are many different reasons that two people are attracted to one another and they aren't just obvious superficial reasons. If he is really a wonderful guy, he will appreciate you for who you are.
Really, though, I don't know if there are serious barriers that make a potential relationship unwise (like the case of my married high school coach). If there is, see my other post. If he is in a high school relationship though or interested in someone else, that may or may not last.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

77. check your PM

[soleft]

78. I never told the guy I was in love with at 16 how I felt about him

But I think he knew because everyone else did. We were buddies, he even wrote in my year book senior year, "Thanks for always being there for me, even when you didn't know it"

For 3 years in high school I pined for him while he went out with other people. Senior year, prom time is coming up, and he's dating a freshman whose Mom won't let her go to the senior prom. But I didn't know that so I asked this other friend of mine to go with me. One day at the end of class he says to me, "So, you're going to the prom with Jim?" And I said yeah, and he had this kind of, oh that's too bad look on his face. I think maybe he would have asked me, but instead, he asked this other girl, also a friend, a basketball player who had the good sense to come out as a lesbian years before I did.

I actually thing my friend knew I was gay before I did, so it wasn't that he didn't return my feelings, he just knew the real deal.

We kept in touch after high school. He even video taped my wedding. I was going to ask him to go to our ten year reunion with me, I fantasized that that would be the moment I would tell him how I much I had been inlove with him.but I figured I should probably go with with my husband.

Anyway, he died unexpectedly at age 30, I still can't believe it even tho it's going to be ten years this December. He pops up in my dreams all the time, especially when I'm in a jam or having troubles and somehow I always figure out what to do. It's like he's my guardian angel.

If I had told him, even back in high school how I felt, I think he would have been cool. And we would have stayed friends. He wrote a poem once, it said

Lovers Change
Enemies Go
But friends will always stay the same
Friends

[Rhiannon12866]

79. Yes, I certainly have and it hurts like hell

You haven't explained what these "barriers" are, so it's difficult to advise you. The best thing I can tell you is that the guy I thought was terrific at 16, I wouldn't have looked twice at a few years later. In fact, I hid from him when he came looking for me, LOL! And I had thought he was just about perfect. You tend to change over time. Things you like now might not interest you in the slightest when you're 30. Believe me. Give it time. You will change and so will he.:-)

[Syn_Dem]

80. I'm probably beating a dead horse here

But barriers are meant to be torn down. Take my situation for example, I'm a 15, a year younger than you and I could have easily given up on my relationship, but I didnt. I went through the painful process of having our parents meet, which was extremely awkward, and over the course of two years we saw each other 5 times. (I live in St. Louis, she lives in Cincinnati) I know a lot of people think Im naive or too young to understand, but if you really feel it, go for it. No wall is too high to stop love.

[ForrestGump]

81. Many times, and it never stopped sucking

It is true, though, that that that does not destroy us (oooo...the exceedingly rare 'triple that'!) makes us stronger. Well, it can be true. I keep telling myself that. And if 'stronger' includes building a bit of a wall around my heart and inner self, for defensive reasons, then, yes, it's made me stronger. But it'll happen again, I know. And it'll probably happen to you again, too. I'm sorry, and I wish that it weren't the case.

And if I am the oblivious cad who is so blind to your fervent adoration, I heartily apologize. :-)

NOTE to any concerned: merely a sleep-deprived attempt at cheering Maggie up...the realization that I am actually old enough to be her father has me only slightly more stunned than the realization that I almost broke into parodic lyrics of "Young Girl," a song by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap that - like all of their songs - I essentially despise.

[tjdee]

83. Oh he could see it alright. Just wanted to spare me the rejection.

Oh I was in love with the MOST perfect guy, and we were SO close. I wanted him to make the first move, because I felt like I was really putting myself out there, how could he not know?
Finally I broke it to him, and he told me he knew already but that he just wanted to be friends with me. GOD, that was EVEN SUCKIER! It all came to a head weeks after that, when I tried to do the friend thing, I really tried, LOL.

But he slept with a friend of mine, I felt like he was flaunting the fact that he didn't like me (I was so young, LOL)... and I shoved him *really hard* in a parking lot in front of all our friends, threatened leaving him there, and told him that he was a cruel and disgusting person. Ahhh, young love. (We're still friends, he and I. He's getting married, I have someone else's baby...feel very foolish still, over all that.)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

84. Oooh, yes!

My first real infatuation (after a couple of mild crushes) hit me with the force of a Mack truck. The boy in question was very popular with girls, but inhibited. At one point, there were two of us competing hard for him, and it looked as if he was playing the two of us against each other.

Finally, the other girl and I had a talk and decided that we would confront him. He was genuinely shocked and embarrassed to think that we both had severe crushes on him, and he insisted that he was not playing games with us.

Eventually, both of us gave up the chase, but the infatuation hurt like hell for months--until I got into an actual relationship with someone else.

I met him again a few years later, and I wondered what I had seen in him. He seemed depressed and distracted.

Oh, and in case some of you are wondering, the fellow was not gay, at least not principally. A couple of years ago, I googled his name and discovered that he is married with one child and working in the same field he was interested in when I knew him.

I had another crush later in life when I should have known better. I knew it was crazy, but it didn't lessen the pain.

What began to bring me out of it was reading a novel in which one character asks another how she can say that her infatuation is beautiful when it is causing her so much pain and is causing her to wish that the love object's spouse were dead.

As with singing, if it hurts really bad, you shouldn't do it.

[Cleita]

85. Yes, but it's a waste of your adoration.

Move on and don't look back. There will be someone who returns your affection in the future if you open yourself to new relationships. An interesting thing about the person I so adored is that the way he has lived his life and treated his wife has made me very grateful that I wasn't the one he chose. I don't really know now what I saw in him? Must be those pheronomes or hormones that explains it and it's all so nonsensical.

[populistmom]

86. This thread's still going? I'll bite.

Okay, once really bad, changed the course of my life. A few little heartbreaks along the way. I know someone who I suspect I may have broken his heart a little years ago, but not that I wanted to or tried to (just going in different directions).
Now and the future, I don't know. I've been with one person for a long time. If I was to ever fall in love again, I would hope I could let go enough to experience it without getting my heart broken. Our hearts are pretty fragile things really, but they keep us going.

[Shakespeare]

87. If you know it'll never work...

Perhaps the best thing to do is accept that and open yourself up to other possibilities. I fought tooth and nail to maintain a doomed relationship--one where the other party was (and still is) incapable of loving somebody back (quite sad, actually)--for seven very, very long years.

When I finally reached the point where I could give up and stop hanging on to that impossible situation, something amazing happened. I met the man I'm now engaged to less than two months later....and I've never been happier. :-)

[last_texas_dem]

89. Sure, and it sucks

I dated her for two years, and after being apart for well over a year now I've had to come to terms with the fact that she will never really understand what she meant to me and honestly, what she still means to me. That's just something I've very slowly, very painfully been forced to accept. She's still my best friend and probably the most important person in my life, despite there being times when I see things more clearly and realize that perhaps the hurt would lessen if she was totally out of my life. She just means too much to me for me to cut ties in that way. She still tells me I'm the most important person in her life, too, but we just see love in two different ways. Somehow she considers me to be her "soul mate" in the sense that we are inseperable best friends who understand each other better than any others in the world, but somehow she doesn't equate this with us being destined to be together in a relationship, married, etc. I can't see how those two trains of thought can even exist simultaneously. It's like she felt we became so close that we couldn't be a couple. Whereas I have kept on loving her since the day I first told her I loved her, and have simply had to force myself to live a lie that I have "moved on" for my own sanity and well-being I suppose. I think when you truly fall in love with someone you can never really stop; you can only force yourself to ignore that ache in your heart that never really goes away. I do the best I can, though, for whatever it's worth; it's whenever I think about how if she were ever to realize that she felt about me the same way that I feel about her that I would want to be with her again in a second that I realize just how little I've really gotten over her.

Anyway, I know the situation you're talking about is different than what I've described, yet still similar in its own way. It's a difficult step to make someone understand the depth of your feelings... even simply relating feelings that are there that they aren't aware of. I feel like I can sympathize, and I truly wish you the best in this tough situation.

[Rhiannon12866]

91. I do not understand how this woman can discount your

relationship in this way. It sounds to me like you are perfect for each other. Being friends is as important as being lovers. I hope this works out for you. I am suffering, too, so I can sympathize.:-)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

90. Do we love because we expect love in return?

Or do we simply love for the sake of loving?

Pain accompanies our attachment to the desire that we be loved the same way we love. I'd suggest that you just enjoy the feelings you have for this person, and seek out others to love as well.

I would avoid being physically intimate with this person unless he/she appreciates your love and wants to return it...in other words, don't allow yourself to be used...unless you can be sure you aren't deluding yourself into thinking that sex will make this person love you.

[FDRrocks]

92. Kinda...

I do so much for my left hand... but it never gives me any signs.

[CandyCrim21]

99. So.......

Your in the friend zone or what? Im not really sure if I've ever been in that situation or not because if I had really strong feelings for someone I would eventually end up telling them becuase it would eat me up inside to wonder, "what if." But love?....I'm not really the type that likes to admit being in love...and stuff..;), honestly because it makes me feel vulnerable so........I suggest you tell this person what your feeling. You will feel way better knowing whats up as opposed to just guessing how things COULD be. ;)

[grasswire]

101. hey, leftpeople?

Is this object of your love a professor, by any chance? Or married?

And to Slinkerwink -- enjoy your time in lovely Noho. I've spent many a happy hour there, too.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

102. not a professor, lol

:)

[youngred]

103. yep

don't doubt the perception of the person involved, they may get it but not act on it for whatever reason.

I've been through my share of loves from afar, knowing it'd never work and that she'd never have me because I wasn't from the right group, i took the wrong classes and wasn't important enough. I left my assigned cliques and found people I could relate with on a mental and emotional level and from there I found love. But that isn't always easy.

I don't know what to tell you because I don't know the specifics. It could turn out to be the best thing in the world for you, or it could be a disaster. Try and find out his feelings and if they're positive enough and the situation presents itself...go for it.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

104. thanks for the advice

thanks

[Dogmudgeon]

105. Our Lord, Jesus Christ

And that asshole never calls!

--bkl