Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

Has anyone here been in a relationship that survived infidelity?

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
Doctor_J Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 09:58 AM
Original message
Has anyone here been in a relationship that survived infidelity?
Ever taken back a spouse/SO that cheated? Been forgiven by spouse for your own transgression? Do you think it's possible for a relationship to survive that? Under what circumstances?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Shell Beau Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:00 AM
Response to Original message
1. I have never experienced it, but I do think it is possible
to survive it. It takes a lot of time and commitment. Building back a trust is hard, but if both are willing to work at it, it is doable.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Misunderestimator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:01 AM
Response to Original message
2. Nope. I think it's possible for some, not for me.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
soleft Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:02 AM
Response to Original message
3. It;s possibility depending on nature of infidelity and the
individuals involved.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
kcwayne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:04 AM
Response to Original message
4. Not me, but I have friends who survived it
The husband had an affair and was thinking of leaving his wife and children. They hashed it out, he said he wouldn't cheat again, and they reunited.

This was devastating to her, because it shook her world view (fundy Xtian). But in the end, the cash and lifestyle afforded to her by her very successful (financially) spouse was something that she could not give up, and all of her thoughts about the integrity of a relationship, trust, ethics, et all were set aside in favor of the money.


They seem content together now, so who knows?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Doctor_J Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:06 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. How long ago was the transgerssion?
Do you think he's really been faithful in the interim? Id their relationship back to where it was, or just patched together?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
kcwayne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:27 AM
Response to Reply #6
11. It was 5 years ago
I have no idea whether he's been faithful, he never told me he was having an affair, and has never mentioned the topic at all. I was shocked to find out about this from his wife.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Lerkfish Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:05 AM
Response to Original message
5. Yes...
My first wife cheated on me, told me in a public place, mainly because it was a one time fling and the guy was harrassing her and wouldn't leave her alone.
There are many extenuating circumstances I won't go into.
I also had to protect us against this wacko. We changed our phone number and moved.

it hurt me deeply, and I tried to strike out at her in different ways, it was extremely difficult stretch of our marriage. However, we loved each other a lot, so that finally won out, and the rest of our marriage was golden until she passed away.

its possible to survive infidelity, however I do not recommend doing it in the first place. Its a world of hurt to someone you love.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DemoVet Donating Member (572 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:19 AM
Response to Original message
7. I would have said "no" before I had children
Both times that a partner has been unfaithful I've terminated the relationship pretty much immediately, but at the time I only had to be concerned with myself, with young children as part of the equation I don't know if I could just cut and run. That would be the hardest thing, trying to insulate them from the hurt and anger directed at the offending spouse.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Champ Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:22 AM
Response to Original message
8. It really depends on the couple
Both have to be focused and dedicated and let them release all the emotions from this. It will take awhile but a relationship can come out stronger from this, most couples wouldn't last after an infedility.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
2Design Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:22 AM
Response to Original message
9. hilary clinton did n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LibDemAlways Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:25 AM
Response to Original message
10. A relationship's survival is tied to
the personalities, needs, and desires of the people involved. Some relationships can, and do, survive anything; and some spouses will look the other way or forgive an infidelity because ultimately they perceive its in their best interest (or their children's interest) to do so. I have a friend who left her husband and never looked back after finding another woman's clothing in his car, and another friend who stayed with a cheating spouse for years for the sake of her three kids. Each circumstance is unique and what works for one person obviously would not be tolerated by another.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:28 AM
Response to Original message
12. It's hard. Sometimes you think you've survived it, and years later
it pops up again. The moment someone hangs up, or your spouse is late, all the fear and betrayal come back. Even little lies set off your suspicions again.

I'd say it depends on whether you believe you can trust the person again. If you have the slightest doubt, or if they block you in any way, you'll never survive it. You will never trust them, and so you will live in constant suspicion, and they will have to live with that suspicion, and it will destroy them, too.

You also have to ask why you are staying. Do you trust the person, do you want to regain what you had? Or are you afraid to be alone at that most painful moment? Are you clinging to your abuser because you have no one else to cling to? Or, like I did, are you thinking more of their needs than your own?

I think it's possible for the relationship to survive, but two things have to happen: both parties have to really want a relationship after that, and the cheater has to be willing to live under constant suspicion and having to prove their fidelity. Usually what happens is the cheater feels like everything is back to normal, and gets upset when their partner wants constant reassurance, or wants to talk about the pain they are still feeling. The cheater gets over it quickly, obviously, and the victim never, ever, does. The cheater has to want to live with that. Most relationships I know of, my own included, didn't break up with the discovery of the affair, they broke up later, sometimes many years later, when the victim finally realized they would never trust the cheater again.

One last comment: "cheating" is subjective. I've known couples who could care less who their spouse was having sex with because they were doing the same thing. Some couples even tell each other, and encourage each other, and even swing together. Cheating is all about the lying and betrayal, the putting someone else ahead of you. I knew a woman with a wild swinging lifestyle. She and her husband slept around all the time, and had almost no rules. Once, he broke one of those few rules, and it hurt her badly. I watched her trying to pretend to herself it didn't matter, and I watched her expression collapse in pain as she failed. Cheating is about betrayal, not sex.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
SkipNewarkDE Donating Member (762 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:31 AM
Response to Original message
13. Does a 3 way count as infidelity?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Darth_Kitten Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:37 AM
Response to Reply #13
16. Come on....
the person is asking a legitimate question.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Wcross Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:32 AM
Response to Original message
14. No. It changes the whole relationship. n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:35 AM
Response to Original message
15. No.
I think I could, though, unless it was more than a one-time thing.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Finder Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:44 AM
Response to Original message
17. Depends on the individuals and dynamics...
I think it also depends at what stage in a relationship it occurs. I think if someone buys into the whole irrational romance/love thing and it is the foundation for the relationship then an infidelity will break it. Some stick it out due to obsession or possessiveness but that usually ends in a train wreck and usually subsequent marriages that fall apart for the same reason.

As far as Hillary and Bill, they have a good marriage that is not based on silly notions, it is more a partnership or friendship. Her self-esteem and worth doesn't depend on such things.



Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Greyhound Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:50 AM
Response to Original message
18. Yes, depending on how you define survived.
We still love each other and speak regularly, but we're no longer together. :shrug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 10:52 AM
Response to Original message
19. Yep
It wasn't me and with some hard work it can be accomplished.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Coventina Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-28-05 11:01 AM
Response to Original message
20. You have to take these things on a case-by-case basis
A lot of factors are involved. People "cheat" for many different reasons.
Sometimes the cheater is actually trying to escape from an abusive situation. (not a healthy reaction, but it happens)
Sometimes the cheater is just a skirt-chaser and always will be (Bill Clinton is a good example).

Anyway, I feel in most cases, the cheating is an effect, not a cause, of a bad relationship. And each bad relationship is unique (see Tolstoy), therefore, the cure is also unique.
Sometimes it means the end of the relationship, sometimes not.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Thu Oct 19th 2017, 02:47 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC