It's never going to end.

[rbnyc]

I just bumped into someone here at the hospital where I work on Thursdays. She asked, "How was the wedding? How's the baby?"

"Well," I said, "I was in a serious car accident. We were married at Stony Brrok University Hospital. I lost the baby. And I've spent the last 3 months relearning how to walk."

Just when I think that I'm not going to hear "How's the baby?" any more, I bump into someone else. I guess in a way it's a good thing because it shows how many people I'm on friendly terms with in the city. It shows that I'm very outgoing, neighborly and personable. Those are good things, right?

But if I get pregant again, A. I'm not telling anyone until 3 months, and B. I'm not riding in any cars.

:(

[BurtWorm]

1. I feel bad for you that you still get that.

It will stop eventually, but god what a pisser to have to put up with it now!

Here's some white light. Maybe it will help spark a new era for you. (bad pun intended.)

[rbnyc]

6. Thanks.

I am wearing a big, baggy sweater today too, so you can't really tell what shape I am. I have only been back to work at the hospital for less than a month, and it's a huge place. It will take a while before I have a chance to bump into everyone. Then, you're right, people won't ask anymore.

[Patriot_Spear]

2. I'm so very sorry...

Your post is heart breaking- What else is there to say?

[rbnyc]

7. Bujt I just thought of another positive spin...

...it shows that I'm walking well enough that she couldn't tell from looking at me that I was in an accident.

Anyway, thanks for listening. It helps a lot!

[MuseRider]

3. I'm sorry

that must hurt but you are right about your character. It should actually be a good thing to know that many people care about you but it still must hurt so much. I am so sorry. I never had to go through that but I know how much I loved my babies as soon as I found out I was pregnant so I can kind of understand. You are a wonderful person and I am so sorry. But yes, those are good things, very good things.

[rbnyc]

8. Thanks muse.

I'm going to a Kucinich meet-up tonight, so I'm going to be meeting a whole bunch of people I never met before. That'll be cool.

PArt of me feels like I won't really feel better until I get pregnant again. But I know I can't let my happiness depend on that. I have to feel better on my own.

I'll get there.

[MuseRider]

14. You will

but it is never easy. I think of you often. Have fun tonight!

[Bertha Venation]

4. hate being a newbie

I didn't know, and I am so, so sorry.

Yes, rb, being outgoing, neighborly and personable are good things. Shutting down would cut off vital contact that we all need. I bet it feels like that might be the only way to stop the hurt from being brought up again.

I don't have platitudes or bandaids. Just :hug:

[rbnyc]

10. Hi Bertha.

Hugs are good! Thanks so much for your post.

I'm on my lunch break now and talking about this will help to clear my head so I can get back to work.

DUers kick ass. I'm glad you joined us.

[cally]

I'm sorry rbnyc

I know how much you have gone through and it must be horrible to explain again to one more person. I suspect that the questions will end eventually but the sorrow over the miscarriage will always be part of you. :hug:

[rbnyc]

13. Hey cally.

It just amazes me how this accident is still the biggest part of my life. Then I think about the Staten Island Ferry victims who lost limbs--their lives will never be the same--and I really understand why so many of the Physical Therapists I worked with got into the field after recovering from their own injuries.

Thanks for being there for me.

:hug:

[trof]

5. Hang in there sweetie.

I have learned from bitter and embarrasing experience to:
1. Not ask how is <anyone> not visibly present at the time. If they want to tell me, they will.
2. (hat tip to Dave Barry) Never ask about a pregnancy unless the woman is actually giving birth in front of me.

[ProfessorGAC]

9. Good Advice Trof

And, i concur with the "Hang in there sweetie".
The Professor

[rbnyc]

18. Hi professor!

:hi:

:hug:

[rbnyc]

17. You got that right!

I remeber a few years ago some nutty homeless guy asked me if I was pregnant and I said, "No, I'm just fat!" He didn't believe me.

:shrug:

Anyway, thanks for your post trof. Good to see you.

[Lars39]

11. Trying to move on and being jerked back to a very painful place in

your life by well-meaning friends is hard. I know a couple whose grown son died very abruptly(aneurism), and they still get condolances
every so often, and it's been over a year. And they live in a small town. :(

[rbnyc]

20. That's so sad.

Well-meaning is right. No one is trying to hurt me, or your friends. It's just that life is full of gifts, and it's full of loss.

[tnlefty]

12. I didn't know that this had happened to you

I'm so sorry. I remember about 2 months after the death of my newborn I received a letter from the health dept. reminding me to take him for a check up to ensure a prompt start on his vaccination program. That sent me over the edge that day. Hell, they received the paperwork for the birth and death certificates, etc. at the same time for pete's sake!

The first year was tough and I think it hurt more when people didn't ask or acknowlege (sp?) that he even existed. The pain will become easier to incorporate into your life, you won't forget, but it will be easier.

I'm glad to read that physically you are improving.

[rbnyc]

22. So sorry...

...but yes, that's exactly the kind of thing that just like a punch in the face. You're walking along, doing fine, then bam!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

[populistmom]

15. I'm sorry

I've been in similar shoes (not an accident on top of it thankfully) and it's very hard especially when so many people keep asking about it. All I can say is that time will help heal your body and your spirit somewhat and give you a little :hug: .

[rbnyc]

23. Hi populistmom.

Thansk for the hug.

:hug:

[soleft]

16. those are good things

I think it's just that you sufferred a very, very, painful loss and it's going to take some more to heal. Probably if it wasn't people saying things that remind you, it would be something else.

I was just thinking the other day about a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant. She's had 4 invitro attempts and two of the times she got pregnant and ended up losing the baby after telling me and others that she was pregnant. I was thinking, if I was her I'd probably wait next time until I was 3 months pregnant. But was that to spare her or spare me? She felt real joy tho when she shared the news, she had that joy. It didn't last but she got to experience that.

This is in no way on the same level as what you're going through - but a couple of years ago I had optioned a screenplay that was going to be made into a TV movie, they had supposedly even cast the leads and were about to scout locations. I told everyone at work, and then the deal fell through. For months, people would come up to me and say, how's the movie going, what's up with your movie, when's your movie going to be made? And I so regretted having said ANYTHING. It was driving me crazy. But you know, before the deal fell through, it was fun to share that news and have people be happy for me. If I hadn't said anything I wouldn't have gotten anything out of it all.

So....what's my point. I guess don't judge yourself harshly for having done something that is now causing you discomfort, cause you never know what could happen. Maybe someone you shared this with will go through an experience and it will help them somehow.

But I understand what you're feeling and I hope that pain becomes less soon!

[rbnyc]

24. Hi Lori.

Yeah, I'm just not the keep=my-mouth-shut type. When I'm happy about something, everyone knows. Same when I'm upset.

Creative projects are like our children in so many ways, so I can relate to your experience a lot. But just like I will have the right baby at the right time, you will have the right movie at the right time. i just have to believe it.

I have to go back to work in a couple minutes.

:loveya:

ttyl

[Red State Rebel]

19. It will get better with time....

It does show that a lot of people care for you so take that from the experience.

I occasionally run into people over the years that ask about my Mom and she died years ago. It hurts, but it's nice to know that people remember her.

[rbnyc]

25. Hi. Welcome to DU.

Yep, you understand perfectly. It hurts, but it feels good to be part of a real community.

[MinnFats]

21. so sorry to hear of your loss....

....people never know what to say. they mean well but usually end up saying something dumb or even hurtful. Cut them some slack if you can.
it's one of those situations where no one can gauge what you're feeling even, or especially, when they say 'i know just how you feel.'
when they haven't the slightest idea.
probably the dumbest thing of all time to say is 'god never gives us more than we can handle...'
i got that for a while and i finally said to one 'you mean if i had been a weaker person my brother wouldn't have died?' later we were able to laugh about it.

i do send warm thoughts....

[rbnyc]

26. Hi Fats.

I have to go back to work, but I just wanted to thank you for your post and your understanding.

:hugs:

[MI Cherie]

27. I am so sorry for you.

It's been 18 years ago this week that I lost a baby at five months. I still remember my first shopping trip. An obviously proud daddy called me over to his shopping cart to see their new baby. I had to leave my groceries and the store immediately.

I found great comfort with a local support group. No one knows how it feels until they've been there. They helped me keep my sanity when six months later I had a miscarriage at three months.

But people can be cruel without realizing it. I had to stop going when I was pregnant a third time. Another mother, with a healthy child, but unable to get pregnant again, made a mean remark to me. She should have known better, but it still hurt.

Hope things work out for you.

:hug:

[rbnyc]

28. Thaks everyone.

I have to go back to work, and I'll be doing so with a clearer head. Thanks for letting me talk about this, yet again!

Love to you all!

[jus_the_facts]

29. bless your heart Rene'......

....you're gonna be fine...keep on keepin' on sweetie!! :pals:

[Zomby Woof]

30. oh sweetie

I am sorry I missed this thread earlier... just hope you check in with it later and know you have my support through all of this. Wish I could do more... :loveya:

[gate of the sun]

31. that's terrible

I'm so sorry you have to go through that.

[northofdenali]

32. {{{{{{Hugs, girlfriend}}}}}

I know it'll hurt for a long time, but you're a very, very strong lady and I think you'll make it through. My thoughts are with you!
:hug: It'll end; all things must pass.