Obligatory George Carlin quoting thread

[Initech]

Post your favorite George Carlin quotes here!

"See, I think in a fake democracy, the people should get what they want every once in a while! Just to feed the illusion that they're really in charge."

"You know what they refer to the flight attendants now as? Uniformed Crew Members. Uniform. As opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the Fuck You hat! Whose working on his 9th little bottle of Kahlua, I might add."

"If white people burn down black churches, I think black people should be allowed to burn down the House Of Blues!"

[Baclava]

1. "Swimming is not a sport"

"It's a way to keep from drowning"

[mitchtv]

2. you can prick your finger,

But don't finger your prick

[Beware the Beast Man]

3. "Ever notice that most of the people against abortion,

are the people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature."

[BrklynLiberal]

7. Excellent!!!!!

[PittPoliSci]

4. i wanna see a tornado hit a church on sunday.

fuck mickey mouse, fuck him in his ass with a big rubber dick.

i hope mickey dies, i do. i hope he gets ahold of some tainted cheese.

I hope they find him in an alleyway with his hands down Goofy's pants.

[BrklynLiberal]

5. Tough choice EVERYTHING he says is so quotable..

Our nation was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free... So, we kept our black African people, in order to fight and kill the white English people, so we could move west and steal the land from the red Indian people, and then move south and steal the land from the brown Mexican people, which would give us a place to take off and bomb the yellow Japanese people! You know what the motto for this country oughtta be? "YOU GIVE US A COLOR, AND WE'LL WIPE IT OUT!"

Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.

When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.

[Angry Girl]

6. The Christians are coming. And they are not pleasant people!

[MindPilot]

8. "They want live fetuses so they can turn them into dead soldiers"

[ghostsofgiants]

9. Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money...

They will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

[Initech]

10. Here's some more

"The working class in America is divided into three categories - the rich make all of the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pays all the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there, just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep them showing up at those JOBS."

"I've got a lot of good ideas. You know one you never see? A combination CD player and colostomy bag. It's called - SHIT MAN! That's right, you never see anyone jogging down the street carrying a Shitman!"

"Here's a good idea - a gay restaraunt called The Mouthful. Come on, that's clever shit! Besides, you dont have to eat there if you dont want to. No, step inside and have a cocktail."

"Besides, they wouldnt want to use such a colorful word like COCKPIT, do you? Especially with all those stewardesses going in and out of it all the time."

"Why would you want to be motivated in the first place? The people who are motivated are the ones who are causing all the trouble! Stock swindlers, serial killers, corpse fuckers, Christian conservatives? These people are highly motivated!"

[Lucky Luciano]

11. Continuing along the lines of

"Religion has the greatest bullshit story ever told.......He (god) loves you...and he needs money! ALways needs money...He's all powerful, all wise, all knowing - just can't handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars per year and pays no taxes. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story....Holy Shit!"

[Greyhound]

12. too long for subject line...

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that". :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: