What do you do with a 19 yr old who has no job and is not motivted

[maveric]

to find one. He's a great kid but likes to play on-line games all night, then sleeps till 3:30 PM and does it all over again.
I just got the cell phone bill nad his phone has $177.00 in text messages. Who do you think will be paying for that?

I hate the thought of giving him an ultimatum, with the possibility of kicking him out. I love him and he IS a good kid.

There are also plenty of jobs that he would qualify for here in San Diego.

[indigo32]

1. DO NOT

repeat DO NOT pay that cell phone bill.

[maveric]

10. Its on my account. Cingular "add-on" plan.

If I dont pay it, my phone and my oldest son's phone gets shut off.

[indigo32]

16. Hmmm

well I'd see about changing that.
As other people have said, it's time to set a deadline, and mean it. Truly you aren't doing him any favors the way things are now.

[maveric]

20. Its on a Contract. It would cost me more to get out of it.

[Midlodemocrat]

44. I had the same issue with my 15yo.

Then I discovered that my Sprint Family plan has unlimited text messaging for $5 a month. Well worth it. The problem with text messaging is that you get charged when a message is received as well as when the kid sends one. A double whammy.

Maybe Cingular has something similar?

[ronnykmarshall]

19. Take the phone.

throw the damn SIM chip in the trash and shut off HIS phone.

[ronnykmarshall]

14. Unless it's in Maveric's name

but if it's not ....... let 'em shut the damn thing off.

If it was in my name, I'd take the phone.


Time for a little "get off your ASS" lecture.

[maveric]

22. He was a contractual "add-on" to my Cingular account.

I have confiscated his phone.

[ronnykmarshall]

24. Good !

[seriousstan]

2. You have a 19 yr old MAN bumming off of you.

Stop calling hima kid and treat him as an adult.

[ronnykmarshall]

21. No shit.

Time for sonny boy to grow up.

[maveric]

27. I know, I should. He is an adult.

[teach1st]

3. Don't pay the bill...

...and give him an ultimatum. Now.

[salinen]

4. How cute

a nineteen year old who still breast feeds.

[SmileyBoy]

9. LOL

That's a good one.

[neuvocat]

5. Have the Marine recruiters stop by for a little chat.

Just kidding.

[maveric]

26. He was set to go into the US Navy, but they keep putting him on hold.

They keep telling him that he needs to wait 6 months. This has been done twice allready.
His recruiter told him that the Marines will take him right now. I advised him against that.

[caty]

36. Try the Coast Guard.

[ole_evil_eye]

68. coast guard's gotta hell of a boot camp

from what I hear. buddy of mine went into it and boot camp wore him slap out. he was in good physical shape 2

[Deja Q]

71. Fascinating. Does he know what's going on in the world?

And would he be disqualified for certain health factors (allergies, bunions, hemorrhoids, et al?)

Of course, he may feel he has a reason to support this country. (or he's depressed and hasn't looked into a way out and I can tell you that some people have more difficulty in finding out what they want to know because of how their brains interpret information. I (usually) succeed, but I sure as hell have difficulties in doing so... I second-guess myself and self-reflect so much because I'd fear of making a wrong decision... )

but I digress. I, OTOH, have been a second class citizen all my life. Things are looking like it's about to get worse. I'd rather hold up a sign in a gay rights rally and be summarily exterminated by an anxious and agitated homophobic cop. If you were mean and inhospitable towards someone, would you be surprised when they said "fuck no" (or even respond) when you then needed them to help you get out of a mess you caused? (simple psychology and nothing more re: this.) You treat me right, I will in return. Piss on me and I'll do the same right back unless I have a streak of forgiveness (and most people are. I think the others become radio talk show hosts, drug dealers, or murderers...)

[maveric]

72. He knows what going on. Hates bu$h and is somewhat politically savvy.

He used to watch "Crossfire" to see Novak and Tucker make fools of themselves.
The Navy would get him some training/motivation and keep him out of the combat areas. The deal is that the Govt isnt taking many into the Navy and Air Force right now. They want warm bodies to carry guns. His recruiter has been trying to get him to talk to the USMC. He wont go into the Army or Marines. Nor would I want him to go there either.

[JVS]

6. The traditional thing is to send him to college

[maveric]

13. He's not the college type. ADHD and dyslexia have always been

a difficult hurdle for him.
He graduated HS (barely), and says he cant handle college.

[tjdee]

18. Do his learning issues bother him?

I could see feeling like he can't get a job, or that he's not 'smart'.... are you sure he's not depressed?

Just throwing that out there. Maybe he doesn't see a way out/up...and he doesn't want to...work at McDonald's or whatever, you know?

[maveric]

29. He's always been very self conscious of that.

He tells me that he doesnt want to go back to flipping burgers. Oh well... its a damn job!

[tjdee]

41. Yeah, that's what a parent would say--I worked McD's for two weeks...

and I felt like throwing up every single minute. I'm almost ten years older than your son. :shrug: Maybe the younger generation doesn't get that a job's a job because we have it a lot easier in some ways.

But it sounds to me like he's kind of hopeless about his situation (he thinks he 'can't handle' college, but can't bring himself to work at a crap job). So that may be *why* he's sitting on his ass...I'm just not sure how you'd address those underlying issues while at the same time getting him off his butt.

Good luck!

[Midlodemocrat]

45. How about community college? Even part time?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

58. Vo-Tech

Tell him he either needs to do something or get a job...Get him off his ass. Every ADHD, dyslexic kid in the world I have ever met has great potential and are very smart, they just have no discipline or someone to kick their ass. I think the thought of living on the streets in San Diego should wake him up. You could also turn him into your housekeeper. Either he cleans all day or he gets a job. He'll get a job.
Duckie

[MsUnderstood]

63. I totally disagree

Don't tell me he can play computer games all night long but can't learn to use a computer?

My partner has dyslexia and math phobia and is finishing her Master's Degree in a few months.

You don't have to be a genious to go to college, you just have to be dedicated.

[Deja Q]

69. I've been dedicated for years... (in other words, I totally disagree...)

Hasn't helped me.

How am I lazy?

How does your partner compensate for her learning disability?

Has she been tested?

I haven't yet but am about to. Finally. Thank fuckin' god for that.

Not everyone has had the same tests.

Not everyone has the same abilities.

Nobody makes money by simply being dedicated. You have to provide something to go along with the dedication.

So what was the impetus that made her dedicated?

Researching is a dead field in the US; it's all offshored.

So is machine repair. Throwaway society or it's also shipped overseas.

Ditto for science.

But I digress.

Congrats to your partner for knowing how to survive beyond her short points.

And while I see your point re: playing computer games, maybe it should be asked how this could be used to his advantage? (oh, there are ways. Creative thought to apply the concepts of one loved field to a field that can make him enough money to survive in this shithole of a society. But I'll give out as many helpful answers about that as you had in your post to the thread initiator about anything...)

And please shove the glib generalizations. No two people are alike regardless of every other condition imagineable. Period.

That's not to say your meme isn't wrong. (and it is a meme. It's the same 2-dimensional talking point that should have been outmoded ages ago by three dimensional thinking...) But it's so one-sided and blatantly insulting that I felt I had to respond.

[Deja Q]

65. Coming from a person WITH ADD, Asperger's, and am about to be tested FOR

dyslexia (and other LD issues) as what I told numerous people is suggesting these things and these same people also were right on the previous disorders...

But I digress.

I like working. I like having a job that pays well. I have motivation and want to learn and be useful despite of my difficulties. I love being loyal and doing the most to help my employer because I know they'd pay me a decent wage. (that's the whole POINT - or used to be - of our society; do your job and you'd be able to stick around. It's the closest a society had come to being a truly participatory.)

I also know my time is nearly at an end; I don't want to mooch off my parents (and they have helped me with SOME things in the past but not all and nor should they!).

We're all given the same chances in this dunghole of a society those before us had no qualms in molding to their own benefit. If I can't meet their standards, then I die. Nobody is going to help me; least of all an employer that has no sense of loyalty to their workers; only the idea that they cost too much and need to be eliminated by any means necessary while they keep their own perks.

And I also learned what it takes to die a non-painful death. Those who have emotional/learning disorders shouldn't have to even die slowly and in pain.

Hell, in a world I'd create, I wouldn't base it on how much money a person has. It'd be done by IQ. I dunno what *'s IQ is, but I doubt it's above 100. And we don't need opportunistic selfish pigs like Donald Trump to be allowed to declare bankruptcy on every whim and start over to make the same mistakes again.

Improve people and improve each other and yourself and everything and everyone improves. Take from people for your own personal gain and you hurt everyone; yourself included in the end. Our *cough* "society" is the latter.

[tjdee]

7. Tell him you are NOT paying for for that cell phone bill.

I don't think you should cut him off, say...yesterday, but you should put him on notice that the free ride is coming to an end.

You shouldn't be paying for that cell phone. (on edit, I see you have to pay the bill--any way you can take his phone until he starts bringing money in?)

Nagging isn't a good motivator... and I wouldn't suggest kicking him out unless you give him a month or two to get things going. If he gets a job and contributes, I'd even be willing to rethink kicking him out. I've been kicked out, it wasn't fun (and I wasn't a slacker).

Hope others have some good ideas.

[maveric]

17. I confiscated his phone, but the bill has to be paid. Its on my account.

[knowbody0]

33. good luck maveric

the mother eagle, when she knows it's time for young to leave takes it airborne in her talons and lets it go. if it falls in a tailspin she flies under and brings him back to the nest but removes all the soft feathers from the nest to make it pokey and uncomfortable. she repeats the flying lessons allowing him to free fall further each time.
tough love is an art.

[indigo32]

39. Good for you

[LastKnight]

8. get his ass up at 7 am.

tell him to get a job. and pull the plug on the internet until it happens. thats what happened to me when i was like that at 16 (during the summers, of course. but during the year i had school and it was less of a problem).

heres the thing, if they hadnt. i still would be doin it. i have friends whos parents didnt. and guess what their doin to this day.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

31. Since much job hunting takes place in the Internet

she may have to do the surfing for him if she doesn't want to leave him alone with the computer. Look for offerings and hand him the printouts.

[LastKnight]

38. best way to do it is get out there in person.

internet job postings get flooded just about instantly, they do keyword searches to pick out phrases like "Graduated From College" or "MBA" or whatnot. probably not with the jobs he'd be looking for, but you get the idea.

applying on the internet is a good way to get lost in the paperwork. i assume he is looking locally, so pounding the pavement would be the best option.

once when i was jobsearching i ran a little experiment. a friend and i filled out the exact same application the same way, just different names. we have similar backgrounds and our qualifications were essentially equal so it worked (if anything, his was better). it wasnt a big time job just a little summer thing in highschool. he used the online posting, i went in and did physical paperwork. i got a call back in 2 days, he never heard a thing.

[maveric]

35. Did that this morning (before I got the bill), gave him trolley fair.

He went down to the the San Diego waterfront where the shipyards are. They are always looking for helpers/apprentices. NASSCO (National Steel and Shipbuilding), has training programs. He did apply to one of those this morning. At least thats what he told me.

[LastKnight]

42. its a start.

tell him to put in about 3-5 apps a day. carpetbomb approach increases your chances. more you put your name out there, more chances somone will see it.

and my personal strategy is to go IN PERSON, not online - get all spiffed up and everything. not necessacarily suit and tie, but ya know... nice clothes.

see my other post for as to why i dont like online...

[BikeWriter]

51. Good advice!

[caty]

11. You have to put the responsibility on him.

Give him food and a roof over his head---and that's it. No money. Tell him he must get a job if he wants cash. You've carried him for 19 years. That's long enough.

[WCGreen]

28. 19 years and 9 months.....

[Droopy]

12. I saw one person who had the same problem

They had cable internet access and the kid needed it to play his online games. She's getting rid of the cable and going back to dial up in an attempt to motivate him to do something about his job situation.

[sasquatch]

15. Tell him Bush is going to draft all people under 25 that are jobless

:evilgrin:

[LeftyMom]

23. College or job.

It's July now, he should be able to arrange for one or the other by September.

[RPM]

49. or Army

makes the first two look even better!

[Debi]

25. 19?

Start charging rent.

If he can't get a job take household chores off the rent (cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping).

Add the Cell phone bill to the rent.

Even a paper route would be better than where the kid is at right now.

(How about volunteering at any number of places? Shelters? Hospitals? Churches? Childcare facilities?) and shave $$ off of rent for each volunteer hour?

How 'bout shutting down the computer at midnight or even 10:00 PM? Do you have parental controls?

[kcwayne]

30. Tell him to register as a Republican, and he could be the next President.

[bj2110]

40. Too damn funny....

[rwheeler31]

32. Contact your local Vocational school,

there are many programs, computer related he may get interested in, they also have job placement services.

[BikeWriter]

34. Ground him off the phone. Tell him you're considering...

charging him rent. He owes you for the exhorbitant phone bill.

[maveric]

43. When he was working I did charge him rent. He got fired from A&W

in the mall foodcourt. It didnt work out.

[BikeWriter]

50. He needs to be actively searching for something that does work out...

If not, he'll get into the habit of freeloading off you. That's no good for your relationship at all. I'd have him on a curfew until he found a job. Up at a decent hour, in bed at a decent hour. He'd be checking papers and writing resumes at least eight hours each day.

[MsUnderstood]

37. more like what do you do with an adult . . .

Who is paying his internet connection, online game fees, cell phone bill, food bill, etc.

You can turn off his internet and cell phone pretty darn easily.

You're letting your son sponge off of you. . .and that is not right.

It is time for tough love--give him a list of the bills you are paying for him, divide them up into a fair portion for him to pay and tell him "Get to College full time or start paying the bills."

My kid at 12 is pretty aware of the money we spend on her.

[hickman1937]

46. Let me know what you decide.

Mine is 23. Good person. Funny, sensitive, artistic, and living in my basement. I'm out of answers.

[Ariana Celeste]

47. My mom is facing the same dilemna right now

with my 18 yr old baby brother.

The only thing he's got going for him right now is that he can (when he feels like it) go to his dads and do some work for him for a few days and make enough money to buy his pot and cigarettes and buy minutes for his cell phone. My dad bought him one of those cell phones where you have to buy cards with minutes or whatever.

Anyways. His working for dad sometimes doesnt help mom at all with bills and food money. She just doesn't know what to do.

[LynneSin]

48. Here's my advice from years of reading "Dear Abby"

and she knows her stuff!

Cingular will NOT have an issue converting an add-on account to a separate account. To them, that's more money. If you do not want to separate the 2 then at least call and ask that text messaging be removed since that feature seems to be a costly add-on for parent's who give their kids cell phones. My nephew told me of how a kid at school ran up the bill to over $500 one month because the girl text messaged everyone.

Second, limit the damn online access. If you don't know how, put a power-up password so he can't turn on the computer without your know-how or at least somehow set it up that only you can log into the computer. Then set rules as to how long he is allowed to be online.

Third - he needs a job. He is not the first person to try and work and deal with learning abilities. Check around, there may be employment companies that can work with his learning disabilities. Even if it's minimum wage then he's making money to pay for his bills. If he doesn't have a job (or going to college) then provide a list of chores that he needs to do each day/week in order to gain online time with the computer. Speaking of jobs, if it's a matter of a minimum wage job, why not find out if a gaming store like Eletronics Boutique or Game Stop is hiring. Then he can make some money and at least work at something he seems to enjoy doing.

The Navy is a good route for military but why not try the Air Force too. Both of them see very little combat duty overseas (hence why the marines will take him right away).

At age 19 it's time for tough love. I'm assuming the mother is also active in your sons life - you both need to be on the same page with this

[maveric]

64. His mother is in her own world of marrying and divorcing soulmates.

Her own agenda is #1. She divorced me in 1998 and has been married twice since then, divorcing both. I ask her for help and she says "He lives with you and you need to handle it. I'm his Mom and this is a "Dad" issue".
Her giving birth to my 3 kids and bringing them into the world is all that she feels she is responsible for.

[roguevalley]

52. Make a deadline and have him meet it. Then enforce it. Short term

pain, long term gain. You've made it too nice and comfy and he's infantilized himself. Look for physical jobs like working in a greenhouse or the woods.

[SOteric]

53. First, swap his cell phone out for a pre-paid phone

such ast Sprint's GOphone or tracfone, etc. He can still send text messages to all his friends, but only to the extent the phone still carries a balance. After that, no messages, no overage charges. Then tell him (and mean it) that after the initial balance runs out on his phone, he'll have to add more minutes to the phone from his own pocket. That'll begin the motivational thing.

Second, and importantly stick to it, no more maid service. You don't do his laundry, meals are whatever and whenever you care to eat. As soon as he has a source of income, begin charging him rent. (It can be a small, reasonable token of rent).

If at some point he's not pulling his load, or he doesn't seem to be motivated, cut off your internet account. (You can always restart one later). Tell him you don't have the bucks and if he wants to get a paper route or something and contribute to the family income, you've no objection to starting up again.

In short, he's got no job and he's not motivated because he doesn't have to be. He's got a sweet situation where he gets everything he wants and you let him live rent free, pay his bills and access to the internet. Make it a challenge for him to get the things he enjoys and he'll be motivated to get them.

[China_cat]

54. You say he's ADHD and dyslexic?

Vocational Rehab might very well be able to place him in training or school with aids to help him learn.

[ksilvas]

55. Line Cook at Denny'

He'll be sign'n up for college in a Month.
If not, he'll learn a fine trade as a short order cook
and will never want for a job, for the rest of his life.

[maveric]

57. He does love to cook. Took classes in HS for culinary arts.

He has problems with the filling out of applications. Words tend to be written backwards at times.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

61. There are some Vo Techs and community colleges with great culinary schools

Find one. I know there has to be some good ones out there in San Diego, because we have one of the best here in Oklahoma City. Encourage, push, lay down the law.
Duckie

[ksilvas]

66. Seriously, about the Cooking.

I cooked professionally for 12 years before I got a degree and changed professions.
Reading is not high on the priority list to be a great cook, instinct is more important as
are knife skills, people skills and organization.
You can teach yourself tricks to navigate a recipe. Most line cooks never even do recipe's thats for the saucea or prep cooks.
A good kitchen can be alot like boot camp for the soul, but instead of
getting shot at, you get to eat, meet fun people and wear a great looking chef hat.

[XemaSab]

56. No more cell phone

No more internet.

I'd try him on college, a class or two, and see how he does. Most colleges have people there to help with learning disabilities. It's also totally different than high school.

If you're not willing to kick him out, you can't MAKE him get a job,but I agree with the above poster that food and shelter is enough for you to pay for. Or give him a crappy allowance, like 10 bucks a week.

At any rate, if you do nothing he will end up playing games all night indefinitely, and thet's not OK.

[Vuem]

59. Move his ass out. Period.

That, or move his ass out.

Either one.

[ismnotwasm]

60. I had similar problems with a couple of my kids

I was always kind of a softie, because of some bad things that happened in their lives ( my stepdaughters mother committed suicide, and that's a small piece of the story) I always wanted to cater to what I thought were their psychological needs-- it was almost instinctual. My husband, however, called bullshit. Get a job, pay for your own food, no we're not getting you a cell phone or car, get the hell out of bed in the morning and go look for a damn job AFTER you do the dishes. (And one time-- HELL no we're not bailing you out of jail--my son) He never rewarded irresponsible behavior. Ever. You know what? It works. I still have a few problems with the stepdaughters, but they know they are responsible for their own behavior and they pay their own price in life and I'm seeing so much progress. They've come a long way, clear out of emotional hell. Just my two cents.

[Saphire]

62. Kick his ass out, its time.

[Democracy White]

67. I am a 25 year old living with my father

and I am on permanent disability. I have ADD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Asperger's Disorder and Fibromyalgia. I wish I could work, I wish I could go to school for my art talents. Someday in the future it might be plausible.

I hate having to live with my father cause I feel he treats me like I am a child more than an adult. He teases me because I don't do any form of work around the house other than the dishes and cleaning the bathroom. I feel stifled that I can't do anything.

Anyways I have put an application in a subsidized apartment complex that specifically caters to the handicapped and elderly people. I am #3 on their list and I am praying that I get a space soon.

Now I don't know what I can tell you about your son. I do know that someone better pay for the phone bill because it will cause you more when they shut it off than to pay for it. I am currently contracted with Nextel and my sister is on my list, she no longer has the ability to pay for her phone so it was given to her friend who is a supervisor at McDonald's. I wanted to cut it off but learned that it cost $400 dollars to do so. I don't have that kind of money and once my contract is over in 2007 I am going to resign in my own name to a different company.

Dee

[Samurai_Writer]

70. This is what I told my two when they were 19

I have a son and a foster son the same age. At age 19, they were out of school, and both working fulltime. I sat them down on New Year's day, 2001, and told them, "You have eight months to either enroll in college fulltime, or move into your own place. I'm not running a boarding house, especially when the boarders don't pay rent and don't do anything to help with the upkeep."

By August 1, they were out on their own and in an apartment, and have not asked to come back yet. That was 4 years ago. It can be done. Tough love works.

Bella