Help me settle an argument with Mr. Writer!

[Writer]

We're still sans kids. We don't plan on having them very soon, but might start within the next few years.

We would like to have more than one, but I have mentioned that I don't want to have them too close together, as it would be a great stress on the both of us.

He says he wants to have a couple, at least, fairly close together (1-2 years) because the kids can "keep each other company."

DU'ers with kids - what say you? Are there any psychological studies on this issue?

???

[KitchenWitch]

1. My two children are ten years apart

and could not be emotionally closer! They adore each other.

[Writer]

4. My oldest sister and I are 12 years apart...

I can't say we're extremely close, although I must add that some egregious family issues also played a role.

Mr. Writer is very close in age to his brother (about 18 months) which is why I believe he thinks this is very important.

[Not_Giving_Up]

2. Yikes!

Mine are just over two years apart. If I had it to do over, there would be more space. Thy constantly spat over every little difference (he got five chicken fingers, I only got four), they have the same group of friends (for right now), and brother gets pissed that sister "spreads (his) business to the world".

My brother and I are eight years apart. I think that was a bit much, but it was two different marriages for my mom. I was the primary caregiver to my brother, since my mom was basically useless.

I'd say when the first one starts kindergarten, have the second one.

[wtmusic]

3. We went through that same process

about 8 years ago.

At first it's a handful, but it's true--they play with each other, and look out for each other. They fight too, but not too much.

We have two kids ages 8 and 10. I'm kinda glad the infant stage didn't last very long. It's stressful with just one, not that much more with two.

onedit: close-together kids usually go to the same school. They eat the same kinds of foods. They enjoy the same kinds of activities. That saves you a lot of time.

[Heidi]

5. I think this would be fair:

You have the first child when _you're_ ready and able, and Mr. Writer can conceive and deliver the second child when _he's_ ready and able. I'm fairly certain that under this equitable arrangement, your family will grow at a manageable rate! :rofl:

[Writer]

6. ROFL!

You know, when you got the womb, you got the right of way when it comes to this, in my opinion.

But he doesn't want his opinion discounted, which I sort of understand...

[Heidi]

9. I agree: Mr. Writer's opinion should not be discounted.

Mr. Heidi and I are childless by choice, but we do have a wonderful (and extremely spoiled) four-year-old boy cat named Ginger. Now that Ginger is well out of his "terrible two's" we've discussed adopting again, but Mr. Heidi is opposed. I really, really, really want Ginger to have a playmate; unfortunately, I don't have the "I got the womb" thing in my favor. :shrug:

[friesianrider]

14. LOL...cats are SOOO much better than kids anyway!

Mr. Friesianrider and I adopted two kitty siblings, Tipper and Charlotte, as our kids. We joke that we'd take them over real kids ANYDAY! Come to think of it, we actually *aren't* joking when we say that. ;)

You should definitely adopt another kitty - try to talk him into it! Ginger will likely love having a playmate (after a few initial hisses, lol) and you'll be saving a kitty's life by adopting from a shelter...work on Mr. Heidi! :)

[Heidi]

15. We aren't joking, either.

But I have to work on Ginger, too! He's not responding too well to my assertion that he'd actually _enjoy_ sharing our attention with a "sibling." :rofl: He may come around, though, ya never know.

[Floogeldy]

7. Yes

You want kids sooner than he does. That is why you have adopted the "I don't want them too close together" argument, which means you have to have kids immediately.

He, on the other hand, is not in a hurry to have kids. Therefore, he wants to wait, and argues, "It is no big deal if they are born close together." That way, more time can pass before he has children.

I think both arguments are superficial appearances to hide true feelings. You wanted kids yesterday, and he is not sure whether he really wants them at all.

B-)

[Writer]

8. No, not at all. Actually quite the opposite.

He's more the family guy than me. It has taken quite a while for me to get to the point where I was okay having kids at all.

Mr. Writer feels that having them close together is important because he believes they will nurture each other. That is all. There's nothing sinister or surreptitious here.

Having even one child is certainly going to have to wait, as I have one more year of grad. school to complete... at least. Neither of us are in any hurry.

[Floogeldy]

11. So much for my personal 30 second psychological study.

I was wrong!

B-)

[PurityOfEssence]

10. Not studies, but some observations...

It's bad for the female body to have kids without a break of AT LEAST a year (that's from birth to the next conception) and it isn't much good for the little one either.

ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS and reach an agreement on a timetable; we're taught by fairy tales and altruistic stories that talking about the mechanics of relationships is somehow a sin against the beauty of love. What crap. Different people have different issues, and they should talk them out and agree on a damned plan. Things will change anyway, but at least there'll be some clarity.

Kids will cotton to their sibling dependent on many factors. Proximity in age doesn't guarantee a thing. There always seems to be an element of the pesky younger whatever and the bossy older one. I'm separated by a bit over three years from my sib, and we are very different people; still, we had a good home life and got along. As adults, we get along even better.

Our two shortniks are two and a half years apart; the older is bugged by the "kid", and the younger is the downtrodden proletariat, but they LOVE each other, entertain each other, have fun together and are the opposite sex and of rather different temperament. We're lucky and very happy, and the beat goes on.

Everyone's assumptions are colored by the past. Some want to emulate that which seemed idyllic, and others want to correct that which wasn't.

Two's a good number. Personally, I feel that more than that is a form of ecological terrorism, but if you have the means to raise them--not just economically, but with time and involvement--they'll be good additions to society, and that's what's most important.

What's right for you and your mate is the foundation for all this, and SERIOUSLY ASSESSING THIS between the two of you is crucial. Why people don't bring it up and REALLY deal with it is beyond me, except for the previous assumption about "unspokenness" being the heart and proof of love.

The world doesn't need any more children, so don't have them unless you really want to and are willing to shoulder the huge responsibility. Likewise, don't string a mate along without agreeing.

Lastly, I've seen far too many couples that played games with each other. Maybe they just didn't want to deal with the issue, or maybe they didn't think they could get their way without some version of deceit. It's sad when thinking about the gulf between people, but we are an odd mixture of primitiveness and sentience, and small glimmers of partial connection are all that many of us ever get out of life; that's why we cling to friendships and relationships with radically dysfunctional people: even slight connection is precious.

Talk. Decide. Set a damned timetable.

Listen.

[Writer]

12. Do you write professionally?

You are a fantastic writer...

Just a side observation. ;)

[HawkerHurricane]

13. I have 3 kids

Each 5 years apart. It worked for us.

[Tsiyu]

16. If you have two that close together

Your body suffers, you are constantly exhausted, you have TWO in diapers, and not much time between tuition and other expensive parental purchases.

The pros: they'll both be self-sufficient around the same time to make up for the early exhausting years.

[mykpart]

17. I have two sons both in their thirties. They are 2 1/2 years apart.

For the most part they got along well, although there were some adolescent years when I thought they would kill each other. They are very close as adults and live in the same town. Downside was they were both in college at the same time, which was a big financial burden. The oldest was potty-trained by the time the youngest was born, but it was close. I felt I changed diapers for 4 years straight. Also, the older son regressed when the younger one was born - he wanted to have a bottle again and started wetting the bed for a couple of months. I do remember reading in Dr. Brazelton's column that the best spacing of children is 4 1/2 years.

[JVS]

18. My brother and I are 2.5 years apart and we get along together really well

Sure we had the occasional fight, but overall we've gotten along quite well. My father and his brother who are 7 years apart don't speak to each other now, and I doubt that they really bonded as brothers. Mom said that if she ever caught us treating each other like that as adults, she would kill us. I am shocked at how seldom many of my friends with siblings that are much different in age see their brothers and sisters.

[Heidi]

19. My little brother and I are eight years apart.

He's 34 and still the light of my life. My little sister is 11 months younger than me, and I love her dearly, but am not as close to her as I am to my brother. :shrug:

[deadparrot]

20. I think it has little to do with how far apart they are,

and more to do with the kids' own temperaments and how they're raised in relation to each other.

My brother and I are almost four years apart (3 years, 10 months). All things considered, we get along really well. We have the occasional fight, sure, but I think he's great as far as little brothers go. That's in part, I think, due to our personalities (we're both pretty mellow) and partly because of how my parents raised us. I never really remembered any sort of overt favoritism.

My mom and her sister, however, were never close and only now are beginning to allow each other a little closer. My mom is six years younger than my aunt, and was the baby of the family (a "surprise," if you will) and ended up my aunt's place. Add to that a father that was too much like my aunt for her own good (there was violence) and my grandparents' babying of my mom, and you have a recipe for disaster. My aunt took out her frustration physically and emotionally on my mom and, though almost 50 years have passed, many wounds don't heal, and you can still see the effects of their early years when they're in a room together.

I don't think that proximity in age necessarily guarantees closeness. If they are close, they'll be going through their life experiences at about the same time. Then again, closeness in age might also encourage them to compete unhealthily in academics, extracurriculars, trying to one-up their sibling. A lot of it depends on the kids themselves, over which you don't necessarily have control. There are pros and cons for both sides; you just have to decide which strategy is best for your own family. I think you'd probably know that best after you have Baby #1. The baby's personality, plus your own reaction to parenthood, will probably be a good gauge of where to go next, how long to wait, etc.

Damn, I'm rambling at this late hour. I'll stop now. Best of luck. :)