I sure don't understand women :-(

[steve2470]

Why the post ? I met someone 35 y/o who is cute, very intelligent, has more education than I (Masters for me, Ph.D for her), and who I thought (?) was more or less enjoying the initial unfolding of a possible relationship. Just got an email from her. No dice. I'm too old for her (I'm 46). Also cited possible "communication style" incompatibility. I am crushed. Why do I even try ? I know, I know, get back up and dust myself off, as I will. It just f****** hurts. Oh well, try try again.

[LisaM]

1. Well, since 11 years age difference is nothing for you

why don't you try dating a 57 year old woman?

Okay, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, but I know a lot of men in their 40s who don't seem to want to date women who are in their 40s.

[skooooo]

4. Interesting...

...let's see if he responds to this!

[steve2470]

10. ouch nt

[villager]

16. well, hell, I do...

being a P/T single dad, and all (their mom has them the other half of the week, though I stay involved), you want someone who is sympatico, or understands that aspect of the journey...

[Heidi]

63. I don't think LisaM's idea is a bad one, Steve.

She may have just opened a door (new perspective) that you had inadvertently closed. :hug: for my friend Steve.

[iconoclastic cat]

2. Yeah, tough break. The age thing can be an issue for some people.

[HEyHEY]

3. Hang outside of her house for a bit - she'll loosen up

[Tsiyu]

45. or else she'll have you arrested for stalking

or she has a mean dog and a twelve gauge and four big brothers.


Better find someone else...:shrug:

[In_The_Wind]

5. age is just a word

what you find in common with one another should be more important

[the_spectator]

6. Single, dateless guy here -

and I can usually be counted on to complain vis-a-vis women, however, in this case, I think it's pretty simple. You just simply ARE too old for her!

11 years is a big difference. Unless you make a LOT more money than her, what can you expect?

:shrug:

[Shoeempress]

13. I beg to disagree. Married to the most wonderful man on earth who is

10 years and 9 months older then me. Married more than 20 years and the age difference makes zero difference. It is the person that matters. And when I married him we were both dirt poor just out of college. Him fresh minted PhD, me BA doing the grad school thing. It was great with no money and great with some money.

[the_spectator]

18. That's nice for you, really -

And I'm not opposed in principle to age differentials - hell, when I was 35 a couple of years ago, I dated a 50-year old woman for a while!

However, I do think that in general, older men/younger women relationships generally occur because the man has a lot more money. Even in your case, if I may say, when you and your husband married, while you were both poor, he was at least a lot more credentialled. As a BA doing the grad school thing, you of all people knew what a big deal it was that he had already acheived the PhD!

---
Overall, I will say that one can predict the existence of and continuation of a "relationship" based on two variables alone - Hotness, and Money. Well, I guess four variables, really, Hotness and Money of the woman, and Hotness and Money of the man. The older someone is, the less Hot they will tend to be, and the more likely it is that they will have more Money.

Gaah, I know I'm being painfully obvious here. But I do have some insights on this, really. Someday I'll share my graph with you all - Y-axis is sexual success, X-axis is Hotness, two lines graphed into it, one for women, another for men. Highly enlightening! ;)

[Shoeempress]

21. Yea the money thing, you ever PAID for a a PhD.? We were in hock for years

and then we got to pay my bills on top, which were NOT insignificant. So your assumption that women are into the money is both insulting to women and rather disingenuous if you assume that is the reason some woman won't date you. Perhaps it is your insulting way of putting things which is repels the women.

[the_spectator]

28. Please, I completely was NOT trying to say you were somehow...

in it for the money! That was clear from your post! And I can of course understand that you must have been "in hock for years"! In fact, I admire people like you and your husband who have the determination to go the academic route! (A number of years ago, I seriously looked into going back to school and getting the PhD, and evenetually decided not to, because, amongst other things, of the financial insecurity that comes from that.) Kudos to you both!

And I don't really think that it's all about "women being into it for the money." I think men are just as mercenary in their own way. I think, as I said, by now, there are basically two variables, Hotness and Money - for both sexes!

Let me apologize though. I really shouldn't have tried to comment on your personal experience, which of course I know nothing about! :blush:

[Shoeempress]

35. And I apologize for my less than polite retort. But I actually believe

in true love because I found it, and hope others are able to also. It kinda makes me sad that people are so eager to write off others without exploring that person to find out who they really are and judge them by such shallow standards. I guess I hope for utopia.

[the_spectator]

42. Hoping for Utopia is good -

not enough people for it these days, I think. Thanks for the forgiveness! :hi:

[Zomby Woof]

7. uh oh

:popcorn:

[HEyHEY]

9. There's no way in hell a flamewar can break out over this

No way...

No way?

[Zomby Woof]

31. Hopefully not

But I have seen too many singles/relationship threads - even where the OP is sincere and well-meaning - degenerate into "discussions" about why are some types of men attracted to some types of women, etc.

So far so good... but the popcorn is good anyway even if this stays constructive.

[skooooo]

39. a little spicy discussion..

..is fun. As long as no one takes it seriously.

[Zomby Woof]

41. I agree

And Steve is a good guy, so I don't want him thinking he would let things get out of hand.

But as a veteran witness of similar threads, on the wrong night, ka-blam. :nuke:

[steve2470]

43. Thanks Zomby.

I never try to start flame threads or reply to people in such a way as to incite warfare. I do these posts to get sympathy and perhaps a tad of education and insight. If they help others, I'm happy for that. I'm willing to give others sympathy when they need it. I know these gender-related posts can get very heated, and I never want to come across as a chauvinist.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. Try someone closer to your own age

These days, ages 46 (born in 1959) and 35 (born in 1970) can be almost different generations. The two of you essentially grew up in different worlds.

Stop chasing the youngsters and find someone more age-appropriate.

[skooooo]

11. i think there's something to this...

There seems to be a big gap in age groups around the early-mid 1960s. Think about it, you remember Kennedy and the Beatles, to her those are distant history.

[MichiganVote]

12. Age, schmage, you said something that made her mad..get over it

[steve2470]

14. as far as age goes....

I wasn't looking for a kid. She showed up and was interested. Silly me. I don't even go out on a first date with someone who is "too old" for me. Guess it's 40 and older from now on. No more kids.

[MrScorpio]

15. Thank god that I don't have to date anymore

This 43 year will find out how cold it is out there.

In my defense, I do drive a convertible.

[Redstone]

56. What kind of convertible?

You may have mentioned it in the past, but I, uh, have a bit of trouble remembering things.

And, by the way, convertibles can go a long way toward erasing age differences, at least on that shallow level of getting "the look" from the younger ladies as you're profiling around town with the roof down.

(Unless, of course, I'm deluded in thinking I'm getting "the look" from the fine young ladies, when they're REALLY giving me the "look at that old fool, thinking he's cool" look. Could be.)

Redstone

[MrScorpio]

58. Here's my baby, right chere

[Redstone]

59. Ah, the Sebring. I tried to buy one of those a few years back

when I read that they were making them with a manual transmission ( I won't drive an automatic).

But my local Chrysler dealer searched all over the country and couldn't find one. I think the 5-speed version was a myth, even though the Chrysler website said it was real.

Here's my droptop (Volvo C70 HPT):


Redstone

[kmla]

65. Dude - you a Mopar man? I see 2 of 'em...

I yam.

Love my Mopars - a Dodge Stratus, and a Town & Country family truckster. Both of 'em are red. Like the ink in my checking account balance.:D

[MrScorpio]

68. I was raised in a MOPAR house

The cousin that raised me worked at and retired from Chrysler

I swear by them

When Daimler and Chrysler merged, lets say that I was pleased.

[kmla]

69. Freaky - I was raised in a Mopar house, too.

Love 'em. Been drivin' em ever since I bought my first new car in 1988. Won't buy anything else.

Except maybe for a Mercedes. But that's a few years in the future.:P


(Dad of kmla worked for Chrysler for 30 years - retired in '94. Spends his time now just hangin' out, buggin' Mom of kmla.)

[kmla]

66. Dude - you a Mopar man? I see 2 of 'em...

I yam.

Love my Mopars - a Dodge Stratus, and a Town & Country family truckster. Both of 'em are red. Like the ink in my checking account balance.:D

[skooooo]

17. oh come on..is this all everyone is going to say???

Let's have some discussion!

[UncleSepp]

19. You don't understand this woman (but I agree with what you said)

You might start with recognizing that women are INDIVIDUALS. This woman is not all women. She's one human being who decided not to go on another date with you.

Put yourself in her shoes. She's younger and better educated than you are. What are you offering that makes it so hard to understand why she won't go on a date with you again? Also, why is it hard to accept that she may not understand you - the communication style incompatibility. Are the quotes hers, or yours? If yours, does that mean you think her emphasis on communication is somehow suspect?

[steve2470]

20. Title of my post was poorly worded

Oh yeah, ouch to your post. I've always known women are individuals. As far as the quotes, they are mine but the quotes were to indicate my lack of understanding. I guess I was expecting a few cyber-hugs and a bit of sympathy. Instead, I'm getting some barbs. I wasn't trying to start a flame war. For the record, I probably understand women better than most men do. Next time I want a little sympathy, I'll go elsewhere.

[skooooo]

22. aww now....

Don't go away! It's after work, and everyone's tired. That's all it is. I sympathise with you. Someone better will come along!

[steve2470]

36. thanks

:hug: I really came across initially as some male chauvinist pig. That isn't me at all.

[skooooo]

38. Personally, I think it's all timing...

If you'd met her 3 months prior, things might have been different. DOn't sweat it. THere is no rhyme or reason to love, I don't think.

[marzipanni]

37. You'll understand the right one

"Love does not consist in gazing at eachother but in looking outward together in the same direction."- Antoine de Saint Exupery
(though gazing at eachother adds to the fun!)

[UncleSepp]

47. :: hugs ::

:grouphug:

There may be something to that "communication" issue, hon.

Can you talk about how this makes you feel? If you're feeling lonely, or worried, or let down, say so. That, folks here will understand and will probably respond to pretty well. Not saying what you feel and not saying what you mean can lead to strange situations like this, where people respond to what you said and not to what you meant.

I am still confused by the "I probably understand women" part. Is understanding women different from understanding people? That's not a barb - I'm trying to help here. You're saying explicitly that you understand that women are individuals, but then you imply that women can be understood as a group.

[steve2470]

49. Feelings: hurt, confusion, not lonely because my son is here

I guess the email just caught me totally off guard. I thought our first meeting went very well, 4 hours of conversation. We talked Monday night for about 3 hours, I thought it went well. She seemed eager to do Friday night with me. Then, boom. I am a much better communicator in person than I am on here. The initial title was bad for the post. I should have said " I sure don't understand this lady". That would have been far more accurate. Thanks for trying to help :-)

[Redstone]

53. Ah, so the REAL problem is that she sandbagged you.

I don't think you have any reason to apologize for being upset (and you may know how unsympathetic I tend to be to people who I think are whining).

If the truth is that you're more upset about the rejection coming out of the clear blue sky than the reasons for the rejection (and I think you are), then you're just like everybody else. NOBODY likes to get sandbagged, and it's perfectly understandable for you to not be happy about it.

But these things happen. Go ahead and be upset about it for a while, because anybody would be, then go on...

Redstone

[steve2470]

55. Thank you.

You truly understand. This came out of the blue, totally unexpected. I was starting to get my hopes up a bit (silly me), so it was very deflating. I thought, WOW, cute and smart and well educated and we get along, wowza ! I thought I might have been off the market, so to speak, for good. Life goes on :-)

[Redstone]

57. You're welcome. Life, as you said, goes on, many fish

in the sea, and all that.

Andif you want some further advice, don't get gunshy about an age difference in the future, just because it was a problem this time. You may meet another 35-year-old woman who doesnt' care about the age spread and is the perfect one for you, and if you back off because the age difference was a factor this time, you'll miss out on a good thing.

Never say never. Trust me on this. Leave no opportunity unexplored.

Redstone

[48pan]

23. There are tons of women in your age group who are

unmarried or divorced. Keep plugging. Eventually you will find the right one.

[steve2470]

25. thanks

:)

[KG]

24. relationships are overrated; self-love is where it's at.

[skooooo]

26. there's truth in that..

..but i think that's hard to figure out sometimes.

[ismnotwasm]

27. Email dust off?

You're better off dude. It all sounds a little too analytical to me.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

30. If she didn't have the manners to break up w/ you in person, you're

better off w/out her. Just about a tactful as the post-it note breakup on "Sex and the City."

Don't worry, Steve. Other fishies in the sea.

[Wapsie B]

32. I agree.

Far beit from me to give relationship advice, but to me it sounds like she was just looking for any reason at all to end it. Age difference isn't always a hinderance to a romance. People of both genders seek out partners outside their age group. Happens all the time.

[SarahB]

29. You know what I think?

I say this as someone who has literally been through Hell and back. Find a way to learn to completely be comfortable with yourself. Embrace the pain and dig deep. When you come out the other end, life happens. Don't look for the best person you can get. Be the best person within yourself. I don't mean this in a negative way. What I mean is think about what you want (other than a relationship) and change it. Find a way to grow within yourself. It does wonders on your perspective.

Yesterday, I would have been married 14 years (if I hadn't gotten divorced a few months back) and I got an e-mail from my ex-husband. He said he hopes we can both find someone to fill our empty spaces, but that's not how I see it (an inherent difference with us among many). I believe we fill our own empty spaces. No one else can. Then as we are more fulfilled within ourselves, we attract people into our lives who are of more caliber.

I hope I don't sound insensitive. You are hurting and I'm sorry. I hope you find what you're looking for, sweetie. :hug:

[steve2470]

33. Good and kind words.

I know you've been through a lot, I've chatted with you before. I feel bad for what you've had to go through, and I do hope and think it will "pay off" one day. This lady has done one good thing for me, though. From now on, I really really want someone really smart and well-educated, and over 40. No more of this "too old" stuff for me. So the pain spike has made me grow. Thank you again for your kindness, it's appreciated.

[Zomby Woof]

34. Your wisdom is astounding

I know of what you speak. :-)

[TreasonousBastard]

40. No man understands women...

it was never meant to be. So don't worry.

Methinks there are other issues besides age, since rarely does any man or woman be truthful about why they are blowing someone off.

But, perhaps you are better off. Myself, I cannot imagine being with a woman of any age who speaks of "communication style incompatibility" or breaks up by email.

It's not age, but how you view the world, and I suspect the two of you have very different views.

[Xipe Totec]

46. We are no open book either...

A poem by Jose Vizcaino Perez:


- I am fire, I am a redhead
I am the very symbol of passion;
my very soul overflows with desire;
Does thow seek me? - No it is not you.

- My brow is pale, my tresses golden;
I can offer you endless joy.
I hide a treasure of loving tenderness;
Does thow call for me? - No, it is not you.

I am a dream of the unreachable;
a gossamer ghost of fog and light;
I am intangible and incorporeal;
I cannot love you. - Oh, please, don't go, It's you I seek!

[I Have A Dream]

52. This is wonderful. This is often what happens...

because we can't have it, we want it. My brother told me that this is what women should do to keep a man -- don't let him always know where you are or what you're doing; don't always be available.

Games are for children; it's not men who need this -- it's boys. I'd personally rather not have a man in my life than play games like this. (Luckily, I've found a man rather than a boy.)

Thanks again for the poem, Xipe Totec.

[Heidi]

73. Welcome to DU . . .

I love your username! :hi:

[Pithlet]

44. There isn't anything I can say that will make you feel better

So, here are some :hug:

[CBHagman]

48. Please forgive me for mentioning David Burns.

I don't know if you have read up on cognitive therapy in such books as "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy," but that particular book might give you some relief in your current state of mind. Among other things, it provides you a list of cognitive distortions (which are, in a nutshell, ways we torture ourselves, to no good end) and a way to talk back to the negative voices inside you.

I bring this up because I've noticed that in the U.S., at least, we're encouraged to make sweeping judgments and label ourselves after every setback. Remember the media's crazed "JUST ANOTHER FAILED PRESIDENCY?" headlines during the first year (!) of Clinton's presidency?

So this is not an attempt to play amateur counselor. It's possible, though, that some reading will help you stop beating up on yourself.

Here's a list of the cognitive distortions.

http://www.mental-health-today.com/Healing/cog.htm

In the meantime, maybe you could hang out with people with whom you feel safe AND do something you enjoy. You'll get back out there and meet someone right for you. There are lots of good women out there.

[I Have A Dream]

50. Hey Steve, any chance she wanted someone without kids?

You say that you have a son. Maybe she was put off by this. If so, it's best that you found out now. Some people won't tell you that they don't want someone with children. Whatever the reason, she was not the right person for you.

I'm sorry that this happened -- it's like a kick to the gut when you aren't expecting it. As you've stated in a later post, all women aren't the same, and there are certainly many wonderful women who are out there looking for you at this very moment. It's better that you haven't wasted lots of time in this relationship because now you can get on with your search for the right person. It really is a timing thing -- both you and the right person need to be available at the same time and this is often difficult for the Universe to coordinate. It takes time. (Sorry for the "Airy-Fairy" stuff, but this is really what I believe.)

I ask that the Universe coordinate your life so that you are in the right place at the right time to find the perfect woman for you and that this woman is available and emotionally ready for a permanent relationship with you. (This or something better for the highest good of all involved.)

:hug:

[steve2470]

51. Thank you, that was really wonderful and inspiring nt

[steve2470]

54. I really don't know what it was. It could have been any number of

things, many of which may have had nothing to do with me. She knew I was 46 before she agreed to meet me. She knew I had a 9 year old son. I was willing to see her a few times before I made a final decision, but as of tonight I was 99% sure I wanted to date her. She was extraordinarily open with me, maybe too much so. I tried to be open and accessible with her, but I sure don't lay out my entire emotional life at first. If she wants someone who is extraordinarily open at the first meeting, then I wasn't the right guy. I just don't believe in dropping all my boundaries at first, that's a good way to get rejected and/or hurt. I wish her the best. My life moves on :-)

[LisaM]

60. Look, I don't think age is the only factor in a relationship

but I know plenty of women in their 40s who would love a date from someone in his mid-40s with a Masters degree who is also a liberal. In fact, I have a friend who is in his mid-40s with a PhD and he is always going on dates and none of the people are as old as he is. Then he wonders why it doesn't work out.

[MissMillie]

61. Sorry Steve

if it's any consolation, I went w/ a guy named Steve for 3.5 years only to have him tell me that he "wasn't ready" for a commitment.

Sometimes it's difficult to find someone compatible.

[crispini]

62. Oh, it always hurts.

Here's a hug: :hug:

I don't get the age thing. I'd definitely date someone up to 10 or so years younger or older than myself. Older guys (hopefully) are more mature, and younger guys have more energy. :evilgrin:

I wouldn't worry about it -- people turn people down for weird reasons, it probably has very little to do with you. And life is full of Great Mysteries about which we will Never Know. :P

[undeterred]

64. It could be that there is some other reason which she isn't comfortable

saying, so she gave you a reason that you can't do anything about. And it very likely doesn't really have anything to do with you or something you did wrong- she's just decided to end it.

Age you can't change, but she could decide to accept it. Communication- people work on it when they've been married for 50 years. Whatever it is, you can't do anything about it, just be glad it happened early on so you can get on with finding someone who's right.

[dajoki]

67. who does?

i've been married for 26 years and have two grown daughters and i still can't figure them out. you have to be a mind reader. but you should keep trying, that's the fun part.:banghead:

[RedCloud]

70. Support for both sides here!

"I sure don't understand women"

Your headline is a generalization. How can an individual affect a pool of more than 2,000,000,000?

I met someone 35 y/o who is cute, very intelligent, has more education than I (Masters for me, Ph.D for her),

Stop right there! I have a Ph.D. friend who some times gets stuck with dating lumpen proletariat (not inferring you are one.) She has only guy friends. So whoever is dating her has to contend with a multiplicity of male input. Worst of all, I am in that batch! It is strictly platonic and will always be, but I am not the slightest bit hesitant of playing the devil's advocate. I found out that she dislikes men who have several lady friends with a certain degree of intense jealousy which I find bizarrely humorous to say the least! I don't ever give her advice unless she comes asking for some... Probably that I know her inner soul best of all is not fair to other guys, because she may look for someone with that characteristic, plus many others.

... and who I thought (?) was more or less enjoying the initial unfolding of a possible relationship. Just got an email from her. No dice. I'm too old for her (I'm 46). Also cited possible "communication style" incompatibility. I am crushed. Why do I even try ? I know, I know, get back up and dust myself off, as I will. It just f****** hurts. Oh well, try try again.

She communicated the "no dice" via e-mail which is somewhat tacky and maybe you should count your lucky stars. There are others who would say you were one year too young for her according to the Chinese zodiac, as you would have the same animal sign.
About the age hang-up. Try those 5 Tibetan monk exercises. You may be amazed if you are faithful to them.
Cheer up, at least you got off the hook early before things got too involved. She didn't exploit you. Just move on dot org.!

Now I have seen some interesting jabs from our fairer posters. I would like to confess that at the age of 18, I had a university job and I came into contact with a librarian who was twice my age. We occasionally conversed as I was remodeling her area. This would take the better part of a year. Suffice it to say, I was extremely attracted to her, even though she was married, twice my age and had a youngster on the way!!! So there, pessimists of male mate viewing direction! It can happen! And shockingly, it should happen! Look at it this way: when she is 1,000,036 I will "only" be 1,000,018!
Long live love unbounded by ridiculous societal expectations!

[Shell Beau]

71. Too old?

[Lannes]

72. Legendary Producer Robert Evans said

In his book "The kid stays in the picture" that any man who claims he can read a woman's thoughts is a man who knows nothing.

[xmas74]

74. Too old for her?

I'm 30 and my age range for dating is 30-45 (don't like to go much lower than 30).
I really don't understand that. 11 years is nothing.