Please Give Me Some Advice...

[arwalden]

... about anything. Whatever you think is most important.

-- Allen

[mike_c]

1. always wear clean underwear...

...because you never know when you might be in an accident.

[simpleplan]

18. If it looks like a Duck and it walk like a Duck, it probably is a Duck.

[Kathy in Cambridge]

2. always do the right thing

[MissMillie]

3. don't take any wooden nickels

and don't spit into the wind.

[GOPisEvil]

4. Look both ways before crossing a street.

[terrya]

5. Go and see "Bewitched" this Friday at theaters everywhere.

:hi:

[Heidi]

Respect yourself.

It's the groundwork for loving and respecting others.

[caty]

6. If you don't want to know the answer,

don't ask the question.

[Debbi801]

7. Wear Sunscreen.

:hi:

[swag]

8. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

[Patiod]

35. as my Dad always told me, there's no such thing as a free lunch

same basic idea....

[redqueen]

9. Eat plenty of fiber.

Your colon will thank you!

:hi:

[Sugar Smack]

10. NOTE TO SELF:

[Bunny]

11. Buy low. Sell high.

[tigereye]

40. hey Bunny

missed you on Saturday. I was psyched to meetcha.... hope things improved!

[Bunny]

41. Missed you too, and things have improved greatly!

How come we haven't seen any pictures of the meet-up? Didn't anyone bring a camera?????

:hi:

[tigereye]

44. yeah they did take a few

not sure where they are. Although I declined to be photographed myself!

The food and company were quite good!

[davsand]

12. NEVER pee on an electric fence. n/t

[havocmom]

13. Don't wear the hat with the bacon hatband when hiking in bear country.

Trust me on this one.

[Hugin]

14. Never speak with a mouth full of food.

Spit the food back on your plate and then
continue the conversation. ;)

[mopaul]

15. don't put beans in your ears. never leave without washing hands

lay in a pit of itchy leaves under a full moon for your pennance.
stock up on creamed corn. invest in seeing eye kangaroos. start a cult. pick up the next hitch hiker you see. avoid salads. find a nice church. build a shrine to larry fine. adopt a musician. mow your lawn it's getting out of hand. wack a mole. start a fashion trend and then abandon it. conquer the globe. and finally, put an anvil in your oven.

[swag]

16. Don't eat stuff off the sidewalk.

[micrometer_50]

17. one word - plastics n/t

[auntAgonist]

19. don't eat yellow snow

[Sugar Smack]

20. *cough*

"How is that fair? Time can change you, but you can't change time.

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people.
Well here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.
Never intefere in a boy-and-girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don't want money.
The hell they don't.
What they mean is they want more money. Much more.
If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch,
Get it in writing.
His word isn't worth shit.
Not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuck-ups.
We all know the type.
Anything they have anything to do with,
No matter how good it sounds,
Turns into a disaster.
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill.
Tell them firmly:
I am not paid to listen to this drivel.
You are a terminal boob.

Now some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain,
If you get that far.
Any old soul is worth saving,
At least to a priest,
But not every soul is worth buying.
So you can take the offer as a compliment.
He tries the easy ones first.
You know like money,
All the money there is.
But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetary?
Money won't buy.
Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps?
Getting too old to cut the mustard.

Well time hits the hardest blows.
Especially below the belt.
How's a young body grab you?
Like three card monte, like pea under the shell,
Now you see it, now you don't.
Haven't you forgotten something, gramps?
In order to feel something,
You've got to be there.
You have to be eighteen.
You're not eighteen.
You are seventy-eight.
Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Well they always try the easiest ones first.
How about an honorable bargain?
You always wanted to be a doctor,
Well now's your chance.
Why don't you become a great healer
And benefit humanity?
What's wrong with that?
Just about everything.
Just about everything.
There are no honorable bargains
Involving exchange
Of qualitative merchandise
Like souls
For quantitative merchandise
Like time and money.
So piss off Satan
And don't take me for dumber than I look.

An old junk pusher told me -
Watch whose money you pick up."


-William S. Burroughs-

[swag]

22. "As a wise old black faggot once said to me,

'some people are shits, darling.'"

[Sugar Smack]

24. "If after an encounter with a person,

you feel like you lost a quart of plasma..

avoid that person."

[swag]

26. "Stay outta churches, son.

And don't let a priest near ya when you're dyin'.
All they got a key to is the shithouse."

[swag]

29. By the way,

What Beasties tune did you say sampled that?

[Modem Butterfly]

31. Never eat anything bigger than your head.

Not just pretty words, my friend.

[DS1]

21. Never tow anything with a car that's got a turbocharger - unless it's

diesel.

Despite what the manual says, cars with turbo engines CAN be bumpstarted }(

[edbermac]

23. Never remove a hemorrhoid with a chain saw...

[Chichiri]

25. Don't go to bed with wet hair, or a first date.

[quisp]

27. Listen to your Mom and Dad

Do as you're told
Clean up your messes.

("advice" I give my four year old)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. OK

It is completely unnecessary to capitalize every word in your thread headers.

[Susang]

46. However

It is correct to do so. :P

[arwalden]

48. And It's Much Less Annoying Than capitaLizing aLL and onLy the L's

[Old_Fart]

30. Never leave a sharp pencil on your chair and sit back down on it

Ouch!

[Old_Fart]

32. Start saving when you are young

Plastic surgery doesn't come cheap.

[coolhandlulu]

33. be calm, dont take anything too serously

but if someone f**** with you, show 'em the horns and go for the jugular.

[leftofthedial]

34. NEVER, never

pet a dog that's on fire

[mac56]

36. Nobody is as weird as they think they are.

Everybody else is weirder then they appear.

And everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

btw, arwalden: you gave me some very good advice once upon a time in a thread. I've always meant to thank you again for it. So thanks!

[Schema Thing]

37. We are all just comparison monkeys

Unfortunately, we aren't nearly as good at comparing as we tend to assume we are, perhaps because it's such a low level process that we can't imagine that we could fuck it up.

The more reality you can inject into your comparing, the better off you'll be.

[Patiod]

38. If you squirt water on a cat to make it stop running over your head

at 4am, you'll just end up with an angry, wet cat running over your head at 4:05.

[tigereye]

42. always put

some of every paycheck away. And if your business offers a 401K with matching funds, use it! (I always used to rant to kids who worked for me about that.)

[ScreamingMeemie]

39. If you have to go, go. Don't hold it because you could get a kidney

infection. :hi:

[VOX]

43. Change your oil at least every 6-8 months.

Or more often if you drive long distances.

Clean oil = long engine life for your car. :thumbsup:

[skygazer]

45. Don't put anything in your ears

except your elbow or a football.

[arwalden]

47. Don't Run With Scissors