My dating experience tonight

[Lone_Star_Dem]

:hi: I'm home and ready to report as promised.

Original thread
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x3341489

He was a little late getting to the restaurant and I decided to order some calamari and have a glass of wine while I waited. He arrived after about 20 minutes and was very apologetic.

Dinner was wonderful and the conversation was flowing very comfortably. Then he started to carry on about his evil ex and ingrate of a daughter. I know his daughter. She's a sweet girl the same age as my own girl and I like her. When her parents divorced a few years ago it surprised her and it took her over a year to accept it. I don't know the wife but I'm not sure bashing your ex is the best conversation for a first date. I wasn't really comfortable with the direction the conversation was going. I suggested we try and focus on more positive things for tonight if that was alright with him.

I think I upset him. He started acting kind of offended and made a couple of snide remarks about if a topic was OK to discuss.

He decided the didn't want to go see a movie and would rather go to a local club and see a band he likes that was performing. That was just fine with me so we went there instead.

It was fun and the band was good. Over all I had a good time.

He ran into a group of people he knows and danced with a few of his friends. When one of his friends asked me to dance and I said sure. When we got back he said I should have waited for him to finish his dance and not have danced with his friend. I asked him why and he said it was proper etiquette. I told him I wasn't aware of any such rules of etiquette and I was sorry he was offended, but that was just silly. It was already a little after 11 by then and I have to work tomorrow so I stayed and danced one more dance with him and then excused myself for the evening.

Over all the evening was a success. I had a great meal and enjoyed some good music. I wasn't looking for my love match just to get out start dating again. :)

[Droopy]

1. I'm glad you had a good time

But I think you are right and this one is not a keeper.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

6. He is definitely looking for someone else.

We weren't on the same wavelength at all. I hope he finds what he's looking for, but it's not me.

I'm glad I had fun, too. It's going to make it much easier to give it another try.

[VelmaD]

2. If he had pulled that "etiquette" crap with me...

I woulda hit him upside the head with a shovel. You're a nicer person than I am.

[Qanisqineq]

4. yeah, is it proper etiquette to leave your date sitting there?

While you go dancing and yet not allow her to dance?
I wouldn't have put up with it.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

7. I was just on my "best" behavior

It took me a second to find something to reply with that wasn't nasty. It floored me to be honest.

[CottonBear]

3. Excellent post-date analysis!

I'm glad that you had a good time. He's not a "keeper". You seem positive and focused on what is right and comfortable for you! You'll do fine on your next date. I hope that the next guy isn't so focused on an ex. That might be something to watch out for. Have a great weekend! :)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

9. The ex thing was a good warning sign

I have an ex too and I don't go around trashing him like that. I did at the beginning when my heartbreak was fresh, but you move on. He hadn't yet.

[R. A. Fuqua]

12. I can understand trashing an ex

(even though it is not a smooth move to do so on a date) but why would a person trash their child?

That is actually a little "off" to me.

(I don't want to be overly critical--after all--the only thing that matters is that you 1) had a good time 2) are home safe, and happy and that you are 3) ready to take on the dating scene again.)

(but still--criticizing his own kid is a little weird...on a first date...)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

18. She's a good girl

I know for a fact she's worked every summer and after school for the past two years to pay for college. She's always offering to help other kids with their studies and she won't take money for her tutoring them, even though she could use it. She doesn't run around with the "bad" kids and I've never heard an unkind thing about her from her peers.

They seem to have a poor relationship and he's blaming it all on her. That is just heartbreaking in my eyes. He's the father and she's the child after all.

[R. A. Fuqua]

23. you know what?

I just reread your original post--I had missed that you said he divorced "a few years ago".

He really should be over his ex by now.

I am not generally judgmental--however he sounds a little creepy and immature if he is still griping about someone he has been divorced from for years (and on a first date too!)

Good grief!

[R. A. Fuqua]

5. I'm glad you had a good time

overall.

It sounds like this guy isn't really ready to date yet (his breakup is still bugging him to much). He needs some healing before he will be a good match for anyone.

But--at least he provided you with a fun evening--and enabled you to get back into the dating scene!

I hope that your dates will get better and better--and you will find someone really special.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

10. I'm glad I did it

It as a great step forward and I'm feeling confidant about the next experiences. :)

[dweller]

8. Now, LSD ...

i've nothing really to add, just thought it would be fun to have my subject line say "Now, LSD" ... :hippie:


i think it's known as a flashback. :shrug:

dp

ooh, now i remember. Glad you still dance, 'cause it sounds like the conversation was lacking on his part. . .
having read the other thread, you must have looked stunning.
:thumbsup:

[Lone_Star_Dem]

13. When we had the name change I sat scribbling new ideas on a pad

When I saw the initials of this one I knew it would be fun. :)

Thank you. I think I did look good. I had several compliments from people this evening and that was a great boost. :)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. I think your analysis is excellent, and on target...

He does sound like a bit of a jerk, though! But at least you got those "first date jitters" out of the way...Next time will be easier! Thanks for letting us in on the action!

:toast:

[Lone_Star_Dem]

15. The real goal was just to get past being afraid

I'm thrilled to announce I did it! It wasn't perfect but I'm very happy that it happened. :)

[BiggJawn]

14. Fellow don't sound too tightly wrapped.

You may have stumbled onto why he's divorced.

Not only talked about his Ex, but DISSED her AND his kid on the first date? I'd had sooner poured hot soup in my lap than take that farther than "Oh, Yes, I was married...But enough about that for now..."

And the whole "etiquette" bullshit deal sounds pretty possessive to me, especially since HE saw nothing wrong with dancing with his friends...

He's not only not a "keeper", but I'd throw him on the bank for the birds to peck at...

[VelmaD]

16. I am SO stealing that last line...

hee...throw him on the bank for birds to peck at...heeeeeeeeee

[Lone_Star_Dem]

20. "You may have stumbled onto why he's divorced."

That thought did cross my mind tonight. If this is his usual behavior I can only imagine what his wife went though.

[radwriter0555]

31. He sounds insecure, hostile, and tempermental.

Every date you go on gets you closer to finding a nice fella.

[BiggJawn]

37. Yeah, considering...

You'd think someone would be on their BEST behavior on a first date....

Another possibility is that he (gasp!) wasn't taken with you and was deliberately poisoning the well...That's still kinda jerky, though...

[Jack_Dawson]

17. He's been a BAD BOY

But props to you for getting out there.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

21. He can be bad to someone else next time.

He may even get lucky and find someone who will put up with him. There's someone for everyone in this world.

[Schema Thing]

19. Ever get to Dallas? ;-) *wriggles eyebrows*

I can't dance worth a damn, but I wouldn't ever pull any of the needless drama you just described. My.God.

Then again, my ex is great, my child is my favourite person, I call if I'm gonna be late, and if I believe in a rule, then I believe in it cutting the same way for men and women.

But I know how that kind of night can be fun anyway. Glad you enjoyed yourself and are getting out there; it is nervewracking at first.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

22. Do you ever get to the Hill Country?

The first and hardest step is behind me. I'm relieved.

The funny thing is he doesn't even realize he was a great help to me.

[Vektor]

24. I'll be honest. I DON'T like the sound of him.

He sounds like a control freak, and anyone who would bash his ex and his own daughter on a first date is no one you can trust. Also, his telling you what you should and should not be doing on the dance floor, plus acting petulant when you asked him nicely to focus on the positive is a bad sign of a controlling manipulator. His showing up late, no matter how apologetic, shows a massive lack of respect.

RUN DON'T WALK away from this one.

Seriously.

Not to tread on your dating fun, but from what you have told us about his behavior - he is a bad, bad man. Most people are on their best behavior on the first date - the warts don't start showing until later. If he is already behaving this way from the get-go it will only get worse.

I would not be one bit surprised to find that this man can be abusive. He will clearly put his needs above that of his partner, and it's no surprise he is divorced.

Again. RUN.

[GOPisEvil]

25. I'm glad you had a nice time, despite your date's...er...quirks.

Don't work too hard today. :hi:

[bettyellen]

36. quirks! you're so diplomatic, David..... i love that.

what a jerk. left you alone to dance and them blamed you for doing the same.... oh yeah and it's his daughters fault too, LOL.

[BlondieK143]

26. Talk about controlling!

I'm glad you had a good time overall, but I'm also glad you don't see this guy as 'the one'. Thank goodness! :D

[iconoclastic cat]

27. How lame. Who treats people like that? Idiot.

Whoever ends up with that guy will be working off some karma.

[latebloomer]

28. OY!!

I second all of the above. The guy sounds like a nasty control freak-- and this is his GOOD behavior?

Glad you had fun, tho.

Now-- Onward and Upward!!

[Omphaloskepsis]

29. Thanks, I actually learned something as a male...

I'm drunk so you get a short and sweet answer. If this is the first date prepare to be hit by the third. Run.. Run.. Run..

[Lannes]

30. Sounds like you did the right thing

Guy sounds like a jerk and if you are friends with members of his family there wasnt any point in reading him the riot act.It cost you just one night to find out that he isnt worth it.At least you are back in the swing of things so congrats!

[JimmyJazz]

32. Thanks for the update!

I'd be leary of someone who would be so willing to bash their ex while on a date. It just seems improper to me.

And, you had every right to dance with whomever you wanted - especially considering he didn't ask you to dance first.

It is nice to see you come away from the date with such a positive attitude :)

[SmokingJacket]

33. I'm glad you had a good time!

Dating was always so stressful for me, can hardly imagine going back to doing it again, but it sounds like you're handling it really well.

Either the guy is a loser, or he was much more nervous about the date than you were -- that nattering on about an ex is way to 1. Prove to you that someone liked him once! and 2. That he's ready to look for someone else. Sounds MAJORLY insecure. But why criticize his daughter?? Rude!

He shouldn't be dating yet. He has abandonment and control issues.

Good luck next time!

[gorbal]

35. Dating sucks

The best way to meet people you get on with is to pursue your interests in groups with people around your age. I swear, every time I have helped build a house I have falling in love with somebody.

I plan to do habitat for humanity this summer:)

[caty]

34. Remember,

everything you don't like about someone when you are dating him, gets 100 times worse if you end up married to him.:scared:

[SarahB]

38. I'm glad you went.

Getting out is good. :)
Sounds like you know the man has a few "issues" there. I suppose any of us at the end of a long term relationship do, but there's something about an initial meeting with someone that badmouthed their ex to an extremely high degree that would turn me off as well. I mean, if you hit it off and time went on, stuff like that comes out, but to such a degree right off the bat would probably be a warning sign for me tool.