Letter to my cats:

[geniph]

Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with one another so there are still three cats in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.

My phone cord is not black licorice.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink from there... I put fresh water in daily!

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. My cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear our clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can sterilize them so they don't get pregnant.

[elfwitch]

1. I love cats

I am very pro cat. I will never be swayed. I fully support your pro-cat stance.

[underpants]

2. Classic absolutely classic

This is going to make the e-mail rounds.

YOU ARE FAMOUS!

[geniph]

5. I didn't actually write this...

wish I had...just modified it from a very similar manifesto for doggies that IS making the email rounds. :D

[Guaranteed]

19. It's genius.

:)

[patdem]

3. When I go to the bathroom I have to wait for at least one cat to enter

before I close the door and turn on the water for their water fountain.

What you have written is a cat owners MANIFESTO!!! and should be promoted as such!!! :bounce:

[meow2u3]

7. It's not a MANifesto--it's a CATIFESTO!!!

Wrong species! :silly:

[patdem]

8. Absolutely......the Mein Cat....yes...the Catifesto...perfect!!!

I love cats.

[7th_Sephiroth]

15. bwa ha ha ha ha

eeeeeeevil

[Kathy in Cambridge]

4. Hilarious! We are truly put on earth to serve cats

One of mine loves to drink from the sink. He is the same one who tries to bury food that he doesn't like (does the litter box dance).

Cats are characters...

[meow2u3]

6. Do you really think the cats will do what YOU want THEM to do? HAHA!

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. My cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear our clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can sterilize them so they don't get pregnant.

This is what's known as the CATIFESTO!!!!

[flamingyouth]

9. Very funny

I'm sharing with all my fellow cat-slaves. Thanks!

[Mikimouse]

10. Amazing coincidence...

This letter was obviously meant for my cats as well as yours. This is especially true of Mr. Pooky, who has no sense of object permanence, and meows pitifully when I close the shower curtain. As far as he is concerned, Daddy doesn't exist unless Pooky can see him.

[HEyHEY]

11. I'd get Ted Kazinski to write letter to my cat for me

[Zomby Woof]

12. Kiko approves!!!!

So so funny and true. I love that last item in the "rules for non-pet owners". :D

[geniph]

17. Yes, especially the last part

believe me, the thought of getting the kids "fixed" now that they're teenagers has crossed our minds!

[Blue_Roses]

13. LOL

this is great! I need a copy of this to hang on my wall!

I just bought my cat a new bed and he still refuses to sleep in it.

Geeze... I love the furry guy, but I need my space when I sleep.

[Blue_Roses]

14. do you mind if I make

a copy of this for my spouse. He would love it!

[BurtWorm]

16. My favorite thing about this e-mail making the rounds

is that in addition to being a hilarious comment on life with a cat, it's a hilarious parody of the usual e-mails making the rounds, the ones that are usually about teenagers, for instance, and that sound like they were written to be a yearly Dear Abby column.

[Kat45]

18. That's a riot!

Just emailed it to my friends who are owned by cats.

[Missy Vixen]

20. We're owned by three cats as well

Geniph, this is hilarious.

We have three uncivilized felines. We're still attempting to teach them to tell time. (Those 4 AM wakeup calls in the summertime get a bit old.)

Their latest stunt is scaling the countertops scavenging for human food (not allowed, definitely not allowed,) and trying to pry open the kitchen drawer containing the teaser toys.

In the meantime, we love 'em, and those who don't love cats (or at least tolerate ours,) aren't welcome at our house.

Julie
sporting a brand-new kneaded 'do from our big boy, Mojo

[geniph]

21. I still want to meet Mojo, Julie

since he's sort of related to my Cappy!

Ours bother us starting at about 6 a.m. if we forget to feed them before bed. They suffer horribly from Dish Bottom Phobia.

I know I just ate some ten minutes ago,
but I felt in the mood for a snack.
And, lo and behold, when I looked in my dish,
I saw the dish bottom lookin' back.
See? Come and see if I'm telling the truth!
Oh... this has upset me severely!
Yes I know there's kibble on that side and this,
but I can see dish-bottom clearly!

I stared in the dish and I measured the place
that was empty, and let out a cry!
What if I finished this part and that part?
It would all be dish-bottom! I'd die!
How can you cruelly ignore my complaint?
The kibble was low, and you knew it!
You're acting as if it was piled to the rim,
while I can see dish-bottom through it!

I nibbled some here and I nibbled some there
and I dropped one or two, being furious.
But nothing improved in this tragic affair,
the state of my dish is so serious!
I'm not kidding! Oh, please come and see
the bare spot on the bottom, do as I wish!
I guess you don't care if I'm starving or not,
so I'll eat from the other cat's dish!

[YellowRubberDuckie]

22. "If you don't like the cats, don't fucking come over!"

An easy way to fix it when people come over and bitch about your house is to tell them if they don't like it, they don't have to fucking come over. It's that simple...they'll shut up...or they'll leave, either way, life is better.
Duckie