Headlines for the New Millennium, April 10, 2005

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President Continues to Insist on Secret Canonization

Twisted News, The Vatican, Ap. 10. Apparently against his handlers' advice, President Bush today again maintained he was secretly canonized by the Pope in a hidden chamber during his last visit. Disregarding the fact that no one can possibly be canonized while living and must have accomplished demostrable miracles during his or her life, Bush retorted, "So what? That's a bunch of leftests talking. Besides, the Pope said he wanted to surprise everyone with a new rule and thought I was the best. And I had my Dad send over a list of every thing I did and circle which ones were miracles. (My Dad thought I was great at everything. He even said it was a miracle I graduated from high school.)"

"Besides," the President continued, "the Pope told me you would all say that and it's because of liberals and socialisms along with social security. And he also told me to tell you that he changed his mind about the Iraq War and now thinks it's just fine."

Bush then left the stage without taking questions.



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Yesterday's (Ap. 9) story:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=132&topic_id=1714714

Bush Claims Canonized by Pope in Secret Ceremony

Twisted News, The Vatican. Ap. 9. In a press conference today Persident Bush maintained he was canonized by the late Pope in a top-secret ceremony during his last trip to The Vatican. "Not even his muck-a-muck cardinals knew nothing about it," claimed the President, stating the ritual occured in a hidden back chamber of the Pope's living quarters and saying it was like an initiation into a fraternity. "I had to swear with three fingers in a secret salute and spit on my hand then slap my head and memorize a whole bunch of secret stories or something and read all the code books so I could recognize other secret saints when I saw them," Bush said.

When told by a spokesman for The Vatican that such an occurance was impossible for at least a dozen reasons, Bush said, "THAT's what the Pope told me, He said that people wouldn't believe me cause they hate freedom and things, and they don't want me to be a saint cause of all the discounts I might get or something." As the reporters visiblibly attempted to stifle their reaction, Bush quickly added, "They're America haters, I think."

When the newspeople, attendants, and guards broke into hysterical laughter, the President marched off the dias and
left the room.

[realisticphish]

1. lmao nt

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2. Okay, so then let's think of saint names for Numb Nuts

Saint Witless (because of the "W")?

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3. Here's some good saints' names from DUers yesterday:

whistle suggested:

Saint Dumbya I

&

Saint Shrub the Mendacious




DemGirl7 got extravagant:

Saint Chimpy: The Patron Saint of Arrogant Morons

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4. Maybe he'd like to be remembered for his favorite movie. Why not

Saint Porky's?