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some jokes sent to me, cannot vouch for them, G-rated

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steve2470 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Mar-09-05 05:26 PM
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some jokes sent to me, cannot vouch for them, G-rated

Two friends go to the movies, and while the movie is playing, they won't stop talking.
A woman in the row in front finally has had enough. She turns around and says, "You know, I can't hear anything."

"And just why," asks one of the chatters indignantly, "is what we say so important to you?"


A woman loses both ears in an accident, and a specialist who's called to the operating room attaches another person's ears to her head.

After two weeks, the woman goes to the surgeon's office. He takes off the bandages, takes out the stitches, and pronounces the operation a success.

The next day, however, the woman is back in the surgeon's office in a rage. "You gave me a man's ears!" she yells.

"Well, an ear is an ear," the surgeon says. "It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong," says the woman. "I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing."


Read these slowly, as it may take a moment for the light to shine.

1. ARBITRATOR: a cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

2. AVOIDABLE: what a bullfighter tried to do

3. BERNADETTE: the act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: what a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: a short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: what an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: a clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: what a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: what the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: how golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: two physicians

13. PARASITES: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: what penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: what trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: what you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: what the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: brought litigation against a government official

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


A man goes to visit a friend, and the friend notices that he's badly beaten up.

"What happened to you?" the friend asks.

"You see this scratch here?" the other man says. "It was made by a tiger. And this bruise? I was kicked by an elephant. And this wound to my head? I was assaulted by a giraffe."

"What were you doing going into a jungle by yourself?" his friend asks.

"Oh, it didn't happen in the jungle," the fellow says. "You see, I had a little to much to drink at the amusement park and fell off the carrousel."


A man is sitting in a coffee shop, deep in thought, when a friend sits down at his table.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" the friend asks.

"I was just wondering," the man says. "When a person helps a criminal beforehand to commit a crime, we call him an accomplice. When he helps the criminal after the crime has been committed, he's a lawyer."

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