Am I being too sensitive? (somewhat long)

[NewJeffCT]

I was recently contacted by a headhunter about a good job with a good company in Richmond, Virginia. This would obviously involved my family moving from Connecticut to Virginia, and my wife is fine with that.

However, I told them up front that my wife has a very good job as well (her salary is very close to mine and will likely surpass me within a year or two if we both stayed in our current jobs) and that if we were to relocate, my wife would need to find a new job as well. My wife has 2 master's degrees, speaks 3 languages and has extensive supervisory experience. She's had a good job since getting out of college and has moved up the career ladder pretty quickly and managed to get the 2 master's degree and an additional associate's degree while working full time. She also moved across the world 5 1/2 years ago as well.

So, when I tell the headhunter my wife would need to find a job as well, I figured he'd be more than happy with that because finding another job for somebody likely means more commission for him and/or his company. After all, my wife is pretty marketable. Right?

His response to me when I told him that was, "Has your wife considered staying at home and being a housewife?"

I'm normally pretty laid back, but I was a bit taken aback and coldly replied, "Um, no."

Now, am I being too sensitive in getting a bit perturbed by this? I mean, if it was my wife that was a good fit for this company, would the headhunter even think of asking if I was planning on staying home & being a house husband?

Should I tell the HR contact at this company my concerns? My wife was not insulted, but I think she may be a bit naive about *some* Southern attitudes towards working women.

[demnan]

1. For God's sake this is your warning

Don't do it. This is how people think in Richmond, VA. You move there and your wife will divorce you within a year, I guarantee it. And you'll hang yourself from a noose.

If I had a chance of leaving Virginia for Connecticut, boy would I ever take it!

[histohoney]

20. Are you

sure the headhunter is in Richmond? I was called by a headhunter in Dallas about a job in Victoria.
Still, I do think it was a bit "snarkey". I wouldn't lose sleep over it though, chalk it up to someone to focused on selling the job to really listen.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

2. That's very out of line

I don't think you're being too sensitive at all

[mopinko]

3. absolutely not

did this idiot know what your wife's qualification were? what an ass. i would absolutely tell the hr people. if they aren't outrage at such idiocy, i would think twice about taking the job.

[LDS Jock]

11. I agree.. let the HR people know

This was way out of line. They need to know since this person is representing them.

[NewJeffCT]

12. I had forwarded my wife's resume on to him earlier

He did comment that she seemed very career-oriented. Well, duh...

[Bunny]

4. No, you are not too sensitive.

That is an outrageous statement, and you should report it to the company HR office. It may not have any impact on their practices, but at least you'll feel better!

[miss_kitty]

5. you know, it sounds like the company that headhunted you has a prehistoric

outlook on women working. Maybe she was too much woman for them.:P
That said-I think you are being sensitive in exactly the right amount!

[Jack_Dawson]

6. Have you considered F'ing Yourself?

That was wayyyy outta line. Probably some 25 year old.

[NewJeffCT]

22. he actually sounds like an older guy

So, maybe he was born in the 19th century?

[skygazer]

7. I think you SHOULD be perturbed

How badly do you need this job? Because if that's the company's attitude and not just this one moran's, it doesn't sound like a good situation at all.

[NewJeffCT]

the headhunter is not with the hiring company

Though, I'm sure they've worked together in the past for other hirings... maybe if this company is looking for a numbers person, they go to this company.

[VelmaD]

15. Call the company doing the hiring and tell them...

how this headhunter they chose to work with is behaving. Maybe you'll lose him his job.

[SarahB]

35. I like this suggestion.

:thumbsup:

[trotsky]

8. No way.

I would have told him to take the job offer and shove it.

[NewJeffCT]

25. Not an offer yet

But, after talking with the hiring manager & the HR person in this company, I can tell they are very interested and unless I come across like Bush in the first debate with Kerry, I'd probably get the job...

[DelawareValleyDem]

9. I think you were too sensitive

Too sensitive to his feelings by not telling him to mind his own fucking business about your wife's employment.

[liberal N proud]

10. Don't you know, the little lady is supposed to be at home

Bare Foot and Pregnant

[Arkana]

13. Good God, man! Don't leave CT!

Your wife sounds like a smart woman, and she probably caught on faster than you think. Sounds like your headhunter is a Neanderthal. Find a new one.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

14. You're in Connecticut?

The job would have to be awfully good to outweigh the disadvantages of living in Richmond, at least judging from what I heard from a friend who used to live there.

Let's see, Connecticut is a blue state, it has a nice countryside outside the cities, good beaches east of Hammonassett, a largely affluent and educated population, and it's halfway between Boston and New York. I lived there for nine years and liked it, even being in New Haven.

You're better off where you are.

[NewJeffCT]

I did extensively research the Richmond area

And, there are some nice areas to live with good public schools (Chesterfield for one) and got some good input from Midlodemocrat on here, as well as a few others. Midlo moved from CT, so gave me a lot of good insights. Granted, are the public schools as good as Westport, CT? Probably not, but then we'd have to take a a million dollar mortgage to live in a garage in Westport... but, judging from the data I saw on the better schools in Chesterfield, I'd consider it pretty darn good.

[Midlodemocrat]

34. Midlo weighing in on this topic.

The neighborhood I live in is a very upper middle class neighborhood with a lot of CT, NY, NJ, and MA transplants. I can't think of one female here who doesn't at least have a bachelor's.

That being said, we didn't need my income to live here when we moved here, and I moved here pregnant, so I thought that I would stay at home. When we moved here, it was not as built up and my background just wasn't going to make it easy to find a job, let alone a career path.

When my eldest went to school, I quickly learned why a lot of moms stay home in this area, extensive and I mean extensive,volunteering at the school. The schools here welcome you with open arms. You are asked at the beginning of the year where you would best be put to use, working with the kids, working at home and sending stuff in, etc.

Everyone's situation is different, but my hubby travels all the time and we don't have family here. There is no way I could have worked full time at my career with three small kids and done the type of volunteering I wanted to do. As a former teacher, I really wanted to be involved in the education process for my kids. A lot of people don't feel that way, don't want to be around other people's kids, and that is fine. To each his own.

Now my youngest is in third grade and I find myself up at the elementary school just as much. I volunteer in the special needs classes, the first grade and the kindergarten classes. I also volunteer at the middle school, and not as much, because the high schooler thinks I am weird, at the high school.

That is just me. I only put this forward because if the headhunter is at all familiar with this area, that may be where he/she is coming from.

[underpants]

16. Well, she could always work at Ukrop's

You know so she has time for her first priority-taking care of the family so her husband can rest assured that everything is taken care of at home.

Just kidding.

You know I am not really surprised that that would be asked. I would be pissed off too.

Funny my wife makes almost twice as much as I do and this weekend we were talking about having to find someone to care for our baby due in July.....she asked me if I would consider staying home.......I never considered it until then.

[NewJeffCT]

19. Years back...

way back before I met my first wife and I was like 27, I met a woman that was a year older than me and had just graduated from a top medical school and was either doing her residency or internship (whichever comes 2nd)... she was actually looking for a guy that was intelligent, but was willing to stay home & raise children while she concentrated on her career as a doctor. If only I hadn't been so picky - she was reasonably attractive, but reminded me too much of a younger version of my religious fanatic aunt.

Oh well, and after that I had to suffer through so many years of working 60-80 hours a week "on salary" in my upcoming jobs. If only I had known...

[underpants]

24. Holy crap! It just hit me-my wife is due 6 months from yesterday

WOW! I have been cool about it but I just had a wave of anxiety. Holy crap! only 6 months!

[livinginphotographs]

17. Trust me, don't take the job.

Not only does that guy sound like a incredible asshole, moving from Connecticut to VA will be a real rude-awakening to life in a red-state.

Now I don't know if Connecticut is some liberal paradise or anything, but sounds to me like you're better off not taking the job.

And no, you weren't being too sensitive.

[barb162]

30. ditto on these points. VA is a red state outside of the Wash.DC area

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

18. Has you ever considered staying at home and being a househusband?

Seriously

[NewJeffCT]

21. see my answer post #19

and, in all seriousness, I've given thought to starting my own small business... if my wife was to get a better job with good benefits, I'd seriously consider working out of my home. Not quite the same as househusband, though.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

27. That's really what I meant.

It's a thought

[NewJeffCT]

32. I always tease my wife

I always tease my wife that she is an underachiever, as all the other Chinese women that we know make more money than their husbands - some significantly more (i.e., wife Cardiologist, husband was a scientist working at a University, now does some sort of I/T work)

But, I'm sure she'll join the making more than hubby club soon.

[ernstbass]

23. My sister and her family live in Richmond

(well Glen Allen a Richmond bedroom community.) All of the women in her YUPPIE neighborhood are college educated but she doesn't know of any females in the entire neighborhood who work. Maybe this is the norm for Richmond - the neighborhood is predominantly republican too.Everytime I visit I feel like I'm in Stepford.

[demnan]

26. Yeah Stepford

Trust me, don't live there.

[underpants]

28. What exactly did you think Longwood and Mary Baldwin were FOR?!?!?

Other than to meet guys from Hampden Sudney and Washington and Lee.

[seemunkee]

29. Home of the NRA and a right to work state

That's why I rarely cross the river into VA. I'd stay in CT.

[Ramsey]

31. That's incredibly insulting!

What an ass. I'd definitely complain to his supervisor, and tell him where to go jump too!

[El Fuego]

33. A headhunter is no better than a used car salesman.

He just wants a quick commission. When you take the job, it's cash in his pocket. He is just a shark working his own angle.

[NewJeffCT]

36. that may be true

That may be true, but I would think with my wife's background, he could probably get an even bigger commission for her.

[Modem Butterfly]

42. All too true, but...

...you would think that he would want TWO commissions for the work of one. From what he says about his wife's background she's bank.

[Modem Butterfly]

43. DUPE IGNORE

DUPE

[SarahB]

37. You should be mad.

Furthermore, how does your wife feel about the potential move? If it's that type of climate, would she feel at all comfortable?

[NewJeffCT]

39. As I said above...

She is interested in the move, but I think my wife is a bit naive about the different attitude down South, even though I've tried to explain it to her. In her 5 1/2 years in this country, she's only lived in different parts of Connecticut and, some of the big companies in the Connecticut area often finish in those "top places for women to work" polls. And, I honestly cannot say if it will be that much more difficult for her to find a job in Richmond because she is a woman or because she is not white. I don't want to judge a whole region on the attitude of one person. Or, if she has that much difficulty, she could always set up a Chinese language school on the weekends like they have at Trinity in Hartford. ;=)

But, I'd be more worried about her not being able to go to A Dong grocery in West Hartford on the weekend, or not being able to drive down to Flushing for her Chinese hairstylist.

[Modem Butterfly]

38. I was a headhunter for years, and this is over the line

Freaking ridiculous.

If your wife is in a niche field, the headhunter may not want to be bothered by finding her a gig. If you're in a niche field, the headhunter may be afraid of losing you to your wife's career. Either way, he should be able to work his contacts to get your wife a new job. The fact that he went straight to your domestic situation shows that he is out of ideas. This guy is an amateur.

[NewJeffCT]

40. neither of us is in a niche field

I'm an accountant and my wife is in procurement/purchasing/supply chain (or whatever you want to call it - sourcing, logistics, etc)

[Modem Butterfly]

41. Man oh man

Depending on exactly what she's procured, your wife should be more of a stone-cold deal than you.

If you'd like, I'll see if I still know anyone who's looking for someone in that field in that area- my network contacts are a bit rusty, but they might be able to bear some fruit. Let me know.

[davsand]

44. I'll second that opinion.

You say you sent him your wife's resume and he commented she was "career oriented"? I'd think that if he had a lick of sense and she's able to walk and chew gum, he'd have been on the phone working hell out of her as an applicant. You make money off good applicants--THAT is how you generate new job orders/ new contacts.

I suppose it is possible he's limited in his scope (maybe he doesn't "DO" management or sales and is limited to just a couple of specializations like Computers or Engineers,) but I'd think that if the company was hot for you he'd be working hard to make it easy for you to take the job.

Sounds like this guy is either a lazy headhunter or else he's not on top of his game.

I DO want to warn you, however, that if you have ANY interest in this job at all, do not cross the headhunter. The company may well have signed a contract with the headhunter. If you pulls you out of the running you won't get a job offer because they CAN'T offer it to you.


Laura

[NewJeffCT]

46. even if the guys specializes in my field...

Even if the guy specialized in my field, I'd think he would know somebody else in my wife's field that could help him out, no?

[davsand]

49. Cooperate?? Headhunters???

It's been years ago that I did it, but it was one of the most cut throat sales jobs I have ever had. I suppose it might have been the agency I worked for, but, it was just killer. It was very high stress, and most of the stress was from internal BS.

Part of the reason I got out was the fact that I could see how it would mutually benefit to work with somebody--but there was just nobody I trusted enough. I'd hope that was peculiar to where I was, but it might be pretty common... I dunno.

Anyhow, if you and your wife WANT to relocate to that area, she might want to test the waters on her own. Has she checked out some of the online services? I'd be wary of some of them--especially the ones that post resumes for public consumption. They can lead to theft of work history/ resume theft (and yes, I have heard of it being done!) Other online services can be helpful in establishing what the job market really is for an area.

She can also try doing some cold calling too. (I'd be careful with that, however if she is in an industry that might let word leak back to her boss.) She could just register with a different headhunter, too...

Good luck!


Laura

[tk2kewl]

45. Should've asked they guy . . .

Have you considered being something other than a bloodsucking middleman.

Apologies in advance to any DU headhunters.

[ScreamingMeemie]

47. I'd consider talking to the superior of the headhunter.

I cannot believe that. Way out of line.

[NewJeffCT]

48. follow-up

I did follow-up with the person in HR in the hiring company. The headhunter is not affiliated with their company.

I should drop him a quick email, along the lines of:

"Chris - the last time I spoke with Joe at XYZ, I had mentioned to him that my wife would also need to find a job. His initial suggestion was to suggest that my wife stay at home to be a housewife. I don't consider myself any sort of radical liberal (cough cough), but I was a bit taken aback by this suggestion, as my wife is very career-oriented. Joe had her resume and I would think it would have been obvious from just a quick glance. Would Joe have suggested I stay at home & be a house husband if he was helping my wife find a job? Will my wife be an odd woman in the neighborhoods of Chesterfield if she does have a career outside the home?"

What do you think?