A deeply personal question of love, ethics, and selfishness

[ContraBass Black]

On October 20th, my first love dumped me after seven and a half months together. I have since been unable to move on, and have been so deeply affected that my only response to the election was to scream "F__!" a day later. The main reason she gave me was that she was certain I was not the person she wants to marry, and she hopes that we could instead develop a lifelong friendship.

Tonight, I saw her again for the first time, and I asked her to describe in detail all of my unsuitable qualities. She did so, and told me that the more she thinks about it, the more she feels that she did the right thing. However, it seems to me that everything she listed is either something I hate about myself and am trying to change, or something that doesn't really apply to me. I feel that the reasons for her breaking up with me were wrong, and the pressure of that is building up inside of me to the point that I am concerned that I may throw a loud or violent fit.

For peace of mind, I wrote down my response to what she told me, but am now come to a desperate and difficult dilemma. If I do not show her what I have written, it will hack away at me, and possibly damage me severely. However, I know of no way I could hurt her more than to show her these words. She is already pained by the guilt of breaking my heart, and to have me question what she's done so completely, directly, and pointedly could multiply that tenfold. The idea of someone hurting and mistreating her has always infuriated me, and I don't know that I could forgive myself for being the one to cause her pain. It comes down to a question of whether I will chose the well-being of her or of myself. I do not know what to do.

DU'ers, what say you?

[Dookus]

1. I've been there...

and you have to accept that I know full well the pain you're in.

Whatever you've written.... burn it. It will not help you, it will not help her. I really, truly and sincerely understand the thoughts you're having - and the desires and the needs and the urges and the impulses....

but don't do it. Burn the letter, forget you wrote it.

And while you're at it... forget about being friends with her, at least for a few years. Unrequited love is the most painful thing we can experience, at least as far as I see it. She is fond of you, she likes you, she doesn't want to hurt you... but she doesn't love you. I nearly lost everything by being in the same position you're in - it's devastating. But it gets better. I promise.

Let her go. Wish her well. Focus on healing yourself. Best of luck.

[murielm99]

2. Do not show her what you have written.

Take your writings to a counselor. Discuss them out loud with that person.

I think this would be less destructive to both of you. It might help you heal.

If you cannot afford a counselor, find a pastor, or someone else who can help.

I think sharing these writings with her would ultimately damage both of you.

Good luck and blessings. Take care of yourself.

[LastKnight]

3. why prolong the drama?

its gonna take both of you long enough to get over it. showing her the response may make the whole thing last alot longer due to the argument that will likley spring out of it.

it doesnt matter why the relationship ended, but the fact that it has ended is about all that does matter. i would say dont bring it up, it wont change anything in all likleyhood. why pour salt on the emotional wounds both of you already have?

best of luck to you, my friend.

-LK

[SoCalDem]

4. Step AWAY from the paper....

After a few hours....Re-read it to YOURSELF...Burn the letter...


Do not give it to her.. She is DONE woth the relationship.. It's NOT up to you..


Find someone who appreciates who you are NOW..

No matter how hard to try, you can never ever "make" someone love you..

I know it hurts, but 7 months is NOT a long time.. Don't waste a minute more pining away...

[Phillycat]

18. Agree, agree, a thousand times agree.

I have nothing to add to that. :thumbsup:

[Sufi Marmot]

5. Been there...

Sorry you got broken up with - I went through something very, very similar ~10 years ago. (My specifics: ~8 months and a 12 page handwritten letter :eyes: - I gave her the letter, and in retrospect I probably shouldn't have - she just got pissed off and upset with me...)

I feel that the reasons for her breaking up with me were wrong... Like it or not in love there are no "wrong" reasons for someone to break up with you, it all comes down to how they feel. Issues of rationality, logic, justice, or fairness are, unfortunately, simply irrelevant. And if a person's feelings aren't telling them to be in a relationship with you, then it's not going to happen, period.

If I do not show her what I have written, it will hack away at me, and possibly damage me severely. Let it go - you're not going to gain anything by showing it to her, and pouring your heart out to her isn't going to change her mind. Someday when you're over her and ready to deal with her, she could turn into a good friend, if you don't antagonize her now.

You say this is your first love - there will be others, although undoubtedly you are not in a position to appreciate this notion at the present time. Best wishes...

-SM

[sandnsea]

6. Being loved is the best thing

Being loved for exactly who you are. Since that's not the case with this woman, then what you'd be doing is settling for her love when a more complete love is waiting for you. If you love her, you will come to want her to have that complete love. Eventually, you'll find that love for yourself. Losing people is always painful, whether through death, unfortunate circumstances, or choice. If you've got some serious problems, get counseling for YOU. If they're just typical personality traits, just accept that you are just feeling pain. It's just pain. Guys don't like to feel pain, either physical or emotional, seems to me. I think maybe guys are used to bulling their way through it. But sometimes you just can't, like with a 3rd degree burn, or a kidney stone, or love. It's just pain. You will get through it, one minute at a time.

:hug:

[Hello_Kitty]

7. I'm so sorry about that.

It really hurts. I know, most of us have been there. My advice to you is to continue working on whatever it is that troubles you about yourself that you think you can change and accept the rest. (And hey, you can't be that bad, you're not a Freeper!) As you get older you'll begin to define yourself from within instead of relying upon the approval of others. That's the shitty part of being young; the desperate need to be accepted by the outside world.

I agree with the other posters about showing your writing to her. What you wrote is intensely personal, keep it to yourself or show it to a trusted friend or counselor. I don't think showing it to her would accomplish anything, and may even make you feel worse. Right now, you just need to be really good to yourself and surround yourself with positive people who like you just the way you are. People who make you laugh also will come in very handy.


Take care Sweetie :hug:

[NightOwwl]

8. I know it's impossible to think of this in a positive light,

but someday in the future (maybe sooner than you think), you will respect her for laying it all out on the table now, rather than leading you on. You may look back with affection, hate, or something in between, but no matter how you feel, at least she was honest with you.

I know plenty of unhappy couples who are together because neither one had or has the courage to tell their partner the truth about how they feel about each other. You, on the other hand, have time to recover and when you are ready, go out with other people, many of whom will love you as you are.

Please don't try to justify her criticisms of you by thinking maybe you have qualities you should change. If you still feel the same way a year from now then go for it. But right now she's still holding too much emotional influence over you.

I know it's a difficult time, but it will get better. In the meantime (and this will be the most difficult of all), don't show her your notes and forget the friendship for now. This will only cause additional pain, probably for both of you.

I'm sorry you are going through this, life really is a bitch sometimes. Unless one lives life as a hermit, I don't think anyone can avoid a heartbreaking situation like yours.

[jukes]

9. thin line

between love & fixation. it isn't fair to require this girl to love you.

it stings, but you've got to move on. the next will be even more fun for having known your 1st.

[City of Mills]

10. You're worth it

Hey, I've been there myself, friend. When my first love decided to leave me, I was devastated and depressed. I kept trying to think of ways that I could show her that I could be everything she wanted.

Well, it didn't work, and she left me behind.

But I learned a lot from that relationship, and the hardest and truest lesson that I learned is that I was worth having and she screwed up something good. At times I was mad at her, other times I was sad, but eventually I had to come to grips with the fact that we weren't going to be together, no matter how bad I wanted that.

My advice to you is to let her go. If you really love her, and want the best for her, then you have to recognize that you have to put aside your selfish desire to be with her. I don't mean that to sound harsh, it's very difficult to truly put your feelings aside to accomodate hers.

If she truly wants a lifelong friendship with you, then that is YOUR decision to make. Personally, I had too many leftover feelings to even entertain the thought of keeping my old love in my life as 'just a friend'. Remember, she's not a bad person because she feels the way she does. And neither are you. How old are you/she? If she's under 30, there's a good chance that she needs to date other people to realize what a catch she has, in you.

And how are you holding up? Do you realize that this heartache will make you a stronger person, maybe more jaded, but stronger nonetheless. Take care of yourself, and keep in mind that there are a lot of fantastic single people in the world, just waiting to meet Mr. Right. Hang in there!

[ContraBass Black]

13. In answer to your question

I'm 19, she's 20. She was my second girlfriend. I was her twelth boyfriend. She tells me that she used to date losers and abusive jerks, but that I'm different and I've raised her standards.

[northzax]

15. ok this will be tough to hear, but listen

you are a child. I know you feel like a man, but 19 is just getting started. You will change more in the next ten years (if you are lucky and get to experience things widely) than at any time for the rest of your life. So will she. I'm 30, and I can't recognize the person I was at 19, and frankly, that's ok.

Honestly, you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage until you have a chance to see the type of man you will become over the next 5 years. If you're lucky, you'll discover a passion for something that completely changes you. You played the game well, I gather, take pride in that.

Write that letter, fine. But seal it and keep it for yourself. Open it on your 25th birthday, to remind yourself of the progress you have made in life, and how you are a different, and hopefully better person.

Don't be bitter, my friend, rail at the unfairness of life, write abysmal poetry, hang out with your friends and let them help you (that's what they're there for) life sucks, sorry. the single best lesson you can ever learn from this is that you can only live life for yourself. not for anyone else. <does this mean you don't make sacrafices for someone? of course not, but you cannot sacrafice your essence, and that is what helps people love you.>

I know it sucks beyond all beleif right now, but you have, according to the latest actuarial tables, 40+ more years of life to live, and you will, in time, get on with it. You are both better for this, remember that. hang in there.

[rbnyc]

20. Great Post!

The above post is 100% right on.

Have faith.

[ContraBass Black]

26. I don't carry the delusion of thinking myself grown.

I know that there is much of me yet to be formed. I think it boils down to our different expectations. Neither of us was looking for a relationship when we started, but we seemed to fit together. She looked to me for someone whom she could expect to support her for the rest of her life and be a good father to her children. I looked to her for someone I could learn, grow, and share with. Thus, she was excellent for me, but I wasn't for her.

We agreed however, that if at some point we became absolutely certain that we could not marry, we should break it off. That is the decision she made. I think it premature, almost as much as it would be for me to propose to her now. However, if it doesn't work for both of us, it won't work for either of us, and I want us to be able to put ourselves back to gether and be good friends to each other and the many other people that care about us.

[radwriter0555]

11. Stop the drama, take a tranquilizer (NOT anti-depressant) and get some

short term therapy to talk all this through.

OR go into the woods alone, (not too far, don't get lost) and THROW THE FIT.

Sob, scream, cry, yell at the top of your lungs the entire letter you wrote to her, then burn it, and sit and cry some more.

Then come home, watch a movie and get on with your life. Better yet, this holiday season, go volunteer at an old folks home or in a children's hospital and stop wallowing in this shallow ideal.

You have to power to take control of your thoughts and actions. Just because she doesn't love you doesn't mean either of you are guilty of anything, have done anything wrong, or should be punished.

She's just not into you. Process it, move on, open yourself up to love in a little while and grow with the learning process.

She won't come back, she won't hurt herself, you won't hurt yourself. It's just a relationship that didn't work out.

Go swimming. Do something good for someone for no apparent reason.

[flvegan]

12. If you have to verbalize what you wrote

Read it to a friend (or as someone else here posted, a counselor). Don't let her get you any further down.

Hell, fold it up, put it away. When you find your next love, take it out, read it to yourself, have a good laugh, THEN burn it.

[WindRavenX]

14. Been there

My first love dumped me a month ago...still having some problems moving on.
PM or IM me if you want to talk because I TOTALLY know what you're going through and it sucks, that's all I can say.
:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. The first is always the worst

I was devastated when my first love rejected me, and for the next year, I kept trying to find a "replacement," someone as much like him as possible. It was no good.

I needed someone totally different.

About two years later, I met up with Mr. First Love again, and I saw him with new eyes. I saw how emotionally unstable he was and how lucky I was to be rid of him.

There's always a tendency to think up logical reasons why so-and-so is The Only One, but love is not logical.

Over the summer, I got into an Internet relationship with someone (not a DUer), and we had the most intense and intimate correspondence I've had for a long time. In cyberspace, we were as close to soulmates as you can get.

However, when we actually met, there was no chemistry. None. Not on either side. I didn't dislike him. He didn't dislike me. But the two days we spent together were like spending time with a sibling.

When I've found love, it's always been a surprise and not necessarily in the form I expected.

Mourn, move on, keep busy, get involved in charitable work so that you can see that your problems aren't the worst in the world, and don't get desperate.

Above all, make no attempts to rekindle the flame. That way lies madness.

[gpandas]

17. "let her fly, let her walk right out...

on me, and if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be."

[rbnyc]

19. Confide in us, or another friend; leave her alone.

It really doesn't matter whether or not you think her reasons are correct or applicable, or even if she's telling you the truth. It's over.

Everything makes me think of breastfeeding these days, but relationships are kind of like breastfeeding. The general rule is that you do it until one of you is sick of it. It doesn't matter which one and it doesn't really matter why. When one of you is sick of it, it's over.

You may grieve for a long time, but do not involve her.

It hurts and it sucks, but anything else will just make it worse.

Sorry.

Good Luck.

[justjones]

21. Important message: You have no control over what she feels....

all you have control over is yourself. You need to honestly ask yourself what is the real reason behind wanting to send the letter...are you trying to illicit a specific response out of her?

However, past experience already told you what her response will be, so why torture yourself? As hard as it may be, you have to let her go. Try to realize that you are responsible for your own feelings and reactions...we will always come across people that exploit our insecurities, intentional or not. Your job is to work out those insecurities so they cannot be exploited so you can get to doing what you are here to do.

JMHO. Good luck!

[kick-ass-bob]

22. The best thing to do in those situations is to write the letter.

And destroy it. You get your stuff out without needlessly hurting another human. What good will come if she sees it? None - she will just be more hurt.
Will it help you? No, the practice of writing it gives you the release, not the giving it to the recipient.

Burn it.

[ContraBass Black]

23. To Clarify

I know that our relationship as it was will never be again. The letter states that as well. What the letter does is voice my hurt and surprise, and ask questions about how she sees me. We've agreed that we will need each other as friends, although it is still unclear how to reach that point.

I never begged or pleaded with her to change her mind, and I'm not going to. It's passing through the grief so that I can function fully that is my current problem.

[AngryAmish]

24. Burn said letter

It can do no good. She knows about your hurt and surprise. All it could do is cause hurt feelings. (BTW, also skip the friend part. Be civil, but move on. It just drags things out. Or you could get back together for a few weeks, you will find out what she was up to during the hiatus, then you will be mad, and it will never be the same.) You are 19 - go out and live like it.

[MissMillie]

25. Move on.

It's just time. She feels she's done the right thing, and you need to respect that.

Work on the things you feel you need to work on. Do it for yourself and for no one else.

What is meant to be will be.

[Patiod]

27. That sucks

Been there once or twice

I agree with everything folks on the board are telling you.

In addition, I would add one or two practical tips for avoiding a full-blown depression:
- Don't drink - it DOESN'T help
- Try to keep your brain as busy as possible, especially at night. Stewing (which is somewhat inevitable) makes things worse. Keep the computer available for when it starts, or dive into some absorbing mystery or sci-fi novels or some non-fiction (nothing which includes love stories!)