DU, please help heal my heart

[mdmc]

Hello DU!
I'm leaving work right now, and I just got off the telephone with my ex girlfriend.
I can go for months without thinking / longing for her. I'm close to being "over" her.
It really hurt to talk to her. Our romantic relationship has been over for almost 4 years, yet I hurt. I don't always feel bad, but today I do.
So, I was hoping that DU could show me some love. Perhaps kick the thread, post something of inspiration, something. Anything.

What say you, DU? Can you shower this DU poster with love?
Peace and low stress,
m

[liontamer]

1. lo siento

I hope you learn to move on :hug:

[movonne]

5. Easier said than done.....It takes time....

[liontamer]

9. I know it takes time

but time on its on won't do anything but make you older. One does have to work hard to learn to heal. It doesn't just happen.

[Love Bug]

2. Hang in there, honey, we've all been there

(((((((hug))))))))

BTW--cute baby!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. i am sorry

maybe a clean break would be easier on you?

[candy]

4. I'm a mother and a grandmother,this too shall pass.

But you'll always remember it,I did,but life moved on and I had a great life.

[Nightjock]

6. Love is a temporary form of insanity

Most of the time.
The absolute BEST thing you can do is watch the movie SWINGERS.
You will instantly feel better. I guarentee it.

[Gothic Sponge]

7. I'm sorry for your pain.

My wife left me almost a year ago, and i'm not over it. I don't think you can ever get over heartbreak. You just have to learn to adapt and live with (for lack of a better word) a scar on your heart.

Stay strong!

[fdr_hst_fan]

8. Dude, you need to

stop talking to her-she jerks your chain, and you dissolve into mush. Don't accept her calls, hang up if necessary. You'll NEVER heal and move on if you don't!

[undergroundrailroad]

10. For you!

Undergroundrailroad :hi:

__________________________________________________________________________

[wryter2000]

11. Sorry

:grouphug: But you need to get over her. How are you going to find someone else if you're mooning over her?

[tjdee]

12. Watch a movie, have some carbs, wait for it to pass.

Get a pizza, and watch one of your favorite movies.

Whatever you do DO NOT listen to music that may remind you of her.

Love is suck. ((Hugs))

[bigwillq]

13. Take one day at a time

And make sure you make time out for yourself.
I'm sorry I don't have any other words for you right now but I've been where you've been before and I know how hard the healing process is.

You may never be completely "over" this but from my experience there will be a time when you will move on. Just be patient. It will come.

[DebJ]

14. You never know when your happy ending may show up. Here's

:hug:
what happened with me. I was 'dating' a man for 17 years. We each had children from prior marriages. Two of his children had drug addiction issues (got the drugs from their Mom, his exwife), and one of mine is bipolar. He got custody of his kids after the drug issues, and I already had custody of mine. No way we could put them all under the same roof. So 'we' waited for them to grow up, move out, etc. After all those years of waiting, he moves in with me, then within a month, he suddenly says "It's over; I'm moving out."
He gave no reasons. None at all. Wouldn't even respond to my question of why. Two months later, I did move in with him...I wasn't ready to let go so I kept up the pursuit. Within a few months, I was asking myself, Who is this man? Seems he was putting on a show for me all those years while we were 'dating'.

We broke up; I was more than ready to leave by then. But still, I was devastated at first; lost 30 pounds in a month.
But at the end of that month, I went to a singles dance...my first one ever at age 45. The third man I danced with turned out to be so uniquely right for me, he is a miracle. We are now happily married (as of June), and I feel really stupid to have wasted most of my life with that idiot. My husband and I have so much in common, it is amazing.
Good luck to you. Cheer up! The love of your life, created for you, might come along any day.

[mdmc]

28. wow, thats some story. And it did cheer me right up

:~)

[Rowdyboy]

15. As Oscar Wilde said...

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her..."

[wtmusic]

16. Ouch

Love hurts. Good luck.

[redqueen]

17. I can't possibly offer any advice

All I can offer is my sympathy. I know how exactly you feel, and I'm sorry.

:hug:

[gpandas]

18. this, too, will pass n/t

[IdaBriggs]

19. "Falling in love --

the emotional equivalent of falling headlong down a flight of stairs, and receiving a concussion for one's trouble." (from me!)

Letting go of a love is one of the most difficult experiences we human beings encounter. It isn't really that he or she is THAT great (in actuality, they were probably a big huge pain in the butt A LOT!), but the grieving process still has to be walked through for the hopes and dreams that die when a relationship ends. You will not grow old together, you will not share special Sunday mornings together, and it is no longer appropriate or safe to trust them with your deepest and most intimate self. Losing one's "best friend" or "most trusted confident" is almost worse sometimes than losing the romantic special moments that bring such joy to the creation of a shared memory.

"The best cure for an old love is a new one." My mother used to say that to me when I was wailing out my pain and anguish over feckless loves of my own. She was right. My husband and best friend brought laughter back into my life when I was convinced I was doomed to life as an endless shade of gray. Looking back, I can only shake my head at my own hubris -- the world didn't change; only my perception of it did!

I am lucky enough to be on "good terms" with the major ex-loves of my life; they are good men, who would not have been "good mates" for me (or I for them) if we had continued in our hopeless quests for compatibility. At some point in time it stopped being "personal" for any of us, and just became an accepted reality; our "fantasy perception" of each other as "perfect" was just that -- a fantasy. We needed more from our lifelong spouses -- commitment, trust, respect, shared values, shared goals -- call it what you will, when it wasn't there, we would drive each other to distraction to "change" the other person so they could provide us with our own level of "comfortability." As painful as it was at the time, the deep intimacy of the relationships HAD to end to make room for the next one. "Cutting it off" sounded cruel then, but it was necessary for the healing to take place. When enough time had passed, we could be "friends" again, but the more important the relationship initially was, the longer it took. There was a five year "stay away" gap with one of them before the emotional safety net was secure; only you know what your healing time will be.

I look back now at my old loves with fondness. Time has dimmed some of the crueler memories, and I am content with that. My husband is my best friend, and the years together have been good. One hates to say this, but I am honestly grateful my earlier relationships did not succeed as the wonders of my beloved spouse far surpass the glamor of my youthful judgments. He is a good man, a great husband, and the one person I can talk to about ANYTHING. In my darkest moments I would never have dared to dream I could have it so good; I am confident you will soon share a similar experience.

Best Wishes,
Ida M. Briggs

[bigwillq]

20. Ida,

You always give such wonderful advice.

[IdaBriggs]

23. Thank you!

I've been wondering about how things are going for you -- if it is all right to ask, I'm asking...? :)

[mdmc]

30. and thank you

peace and low stress,
m

[SoCalDem]

21. Break-ups are NEVER mutual..no matter what people say

There is always an "injured party", and it's rather insensitive of her to remain in contact with you..

If at all possible, do not stay in touch with her until YOU are in a great relationship, and SHE is but a faded memory..

If she called you, it might be that even though she did not want youm she likes to keep tabs on you to show herself that she still "gets to you"..

If you called her, you should stop.. It's only hurting you to know that you are not over her, and that she is just a phone call away..even though you cannot have her back.. It can stop you from finding a new person, if you still have that teensy bit of hope ..

Total withrawl from that person is the only way to heal..

[fknobbit]

22. Could have been worse

Might have married her in a community property state!

[skygazer]

24. I'm sorry you're hurting

I often think people try too hard to stay "friends" with those they are no longer seeing romantically. It's painful, as you well know. I agree with the posters who suggest a clean break - it takes too much out of you to deal with the emotions that crop up. Who needs that?

Besides, exes tend to push buttons, even if it's inadvertant. I don't really believe that it is inadvertant most of the time. Move on, don't talk to her, let her memory fade.

And when you're happy and content with yourself, someone perfect will walk into your life. Always happens when you least expect it. :grouphug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

25. Take note every time someone does something nice for you

whether it's a stranger, family member, or friend. Then tell yourself, "This person is treating me better than my ex ever did."

And make an effort to get out and around among people. Sometimes the utter devastation that results from a break-up happens because you've concentrated so exclusively on the relationship that you've dropped all your other friends and interests.

Try to reconnect with some of your platonic friends, get active (not with the purpose of finding a new lover, but with the purpose of keeping busy), and avoid anything that reminds you of your ex.

One day, when you're in another relationship (or maybe even not) you'll run into your ex by accident and realize that she has no more power over you. You may even think, "What did I ever see in her?"

[never cry wolf]

26. I wish I knew what to say

I dated a girl off and on for 8 years and we always got along just great, I never had more fun or laughed more with anyone, before, or since. On top of that, I found her extremely attractive physically, also more than anyone before or since. Unfortunately, she was abused as a child by an alcoholic father and in young adulthood was attracted to the "bad boys."

In the late 70's after a year of study in europe I came home and she was married, to a druggie abuser. I was invited over one night for volleyball, invited back and asked to stay later to talk (her husband worked late shift.) We had a torrid month long affair (previously we had not had sex, having started dating in 1971 in high school.) I was ready to ask her to divorce the abuser and marry me when one of her friends mentioned that she had a boyfriend at work.

I was devastated! I did not talk to her again except when she called me 8 months later asking me to be a personal reference for her Catholic annulment, she was pregnant at the time. She sent the paperwork and I tossed it.

I moved on and 5 years later at the age of 29 got married, feeling the clock ticking. It was a mistake. I am on the shy side and meeting women was not easy, I settled.

Almost 3 years ago my old HS won state so I went to their web site, I saw an alumni section and checked it out. I had done this before but there was always one name I looked for first, unsuccessfully. This time it was there. I wrote and got an immediate response. After 22 years it was like we had never lost contact, the incredible connection, the finishing each others sentences, the laughing and fun.

We are both stuck in horrible marriages but both need to hang for our kids, for a while longer anyway. We are best friends, ever! She ended up marrying an psychotically jealous alcoholic with mob ties and now realizes and regrets her youthful attraction to assholes. She calls me her knight in shing armor, and I consider her my female equivalent.

I am not sure what lessons can be gleaned by my story as it is still unfolding, definitely not a happily ever after yet. There are many possibilities.

1. If you were meant to be together, eventually you will be.

2. If you have identified the one you think is THE one, don't give up the chance for a life together, do whatever possible to pursue it.

3. You are never too old to be a fool and chase pipedreams and open old wounds.

I tend to be on the optimistic side and feel that sometime within the next few years we will find a way and live happily ever after. I'd definitely wipe the drool from her face or wipe her bottom in old age, but there are no guarantees.

Keep your mind open to all possibilities. There very well may be someone else out there that will be much better for you and as mentioned upthread, it is better for you move along and see what happens, just DON'T allow yourself to settle on the rebound. Whatever you do, don't present yourself to your ex a begging wussy, not much else turns off a woman quicker. Let her know you can, and will live without her if need be and she is the one who will be missing out on something.

Hahaha, rambling here, waiting for my best friend to log onto IM.

Best of luch to you!

[mdmc]

29. my head is spinning... Thank you so much for posting

Thanks for sharing

[JackDragna]

27. I'll shower you with the best kind of love..

...good advice. To heck with love. Kick the entire concept in the butt and tell it to move out, out, out of your life, at least when it comes to romantic love. Love your family and love your friends, but Americans are just too messed-up to consider as people to trust with anything more substantial than hoping they don't eat your last jelly donut. The world has plenty of breeders, so you don't need to worry about that. Sex can be had from others without the emotional committment. The two biggest reasons for romantic love are thereby torpedoed right out of the water.

Learn to life live on your own terms. Don't make other people responsible for your own peace of mind. You shouldn't spend more than an hour of your time worrying about being dumped or a relationship going sour. Be independent and you'll do much better in life.

[amazona]

31. hey virtual hugs here

I'm not good with words of inspiration but you'll find someone better. I'm sensing she's playing you for her own ego...4 years is a long time to keep calling an ex unless you have kids. You can and will do better, just keep the faith.

[Lindsey]

32. There's a great book called: "If the Buddah Dated" that I

highly recommend. It really helped me meet a wonderful women who I was with for 1 1/2 years (unfortunately, things eneded for us - but she's still, I believe, one of my soulmates). I think that we have several soulmates and that with "deliberate intention" we can create the circumstances to meet them. I don't think (just my opinion - I don't claim to be an expert)that there's only one person for us. Good luck, you'll always have us here at DU to listen and to be there. :-)

[mdmc]

33. I was wondering, do they do this at freerepublic.com?

you know, ask for help... ect.

[Nay]

34. Ach, ya pur wee thing.

It takes such a long time to really get over someone, doesn't it? All I can say is hang in there, and one day it will be a memory only.