Crap! My friend just told me he wants to leave his wife!

[Gothic Sponge]

He sent me an email that said i'm the only one he can tell. I feel like he just hung a weight on me! I'm so sad. I don't know what to tell him! They just had a baby a few months ago! WTF is he thinking? I want to be supportive, but i don't want to help instigate a breakup!



:scared:

[Guy Fawkes]

1. Be supportive... Tell him to get marriage counseling!

[Gothic Sponge]

2. Good idea!

Thanks!

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

3. Shoot!

That's always kind of shocking isn't it?

Just listen to him, maybe he just needs a shoulder right now.

My best guy friend left his wife a year ago and it was soooo hard. She was cheating on him, had become alcoholic, was verbally abusing him all the time. They had two very young boys and he was a stay at home dad.

It broke my heart. He's one of the nicest people I have ever known. I wanted to bitch-slap her about five different ways.

But I just listened. And listened. And listened. And hugged him when he cried. And listened some more. And baby sat his kids a lot.

Just be there.

[Gothic Sponge]

9. Thanks!

[jukes]

4. that's really bad

a bad place to get stuck in.

i think your friend is panicking. talk to him about it, maybe he can work it out if you can get him talking about it.

[Gothic Sponge]

10. Thanks!

[Ilsa]

5. Sounds like he has Baby Blues.

He needs counseling to make certain it isn't some irrational jealousy or something.

I don't say this sort of thing very often, but I have a low opinion of someone who leaves their spouse right she gives birth to his kid unless there's a damned good reason! That's just pathetically selfish, IMO.

[Gothic Sponge]

8. I agree!

My parents got divorced when i was young and it hurt like hell! I'm going to do my best to make him realize that he could be doing harm to his child. I don't want him to be in an unhappy marriage, but....

[Viking12]

6. Be supportive.

I like the idea of recommending counseling. Becoming a parent was THE most stressful time I've ever experienced. Lack of sleep, lack of alone time, many news demands, can put a lot of stress on any person and any relationship.

In addition to supporting him, you may also think about helping out by babysitting so the couple can have some time together.

[Gothic Sponge]

11. Thanks!

I would babysit, but he lives 600 miles away.

[Viking12]

13. That would make it tough.

Good luck to you and your friends.

[smirkymonkey]

7. Just had a baby? Could it be a post-partum

reaction? Feels overwhelmed by responsibility, needs neglected for the sake of the baby, fear of being a good father, etc...that kind of stuff. If it's a first kid the change can be totally overwhelming (so I've heard).

Even if the relationship isn't that great, he shouldn't make any rash decisions at this stage. Unless there is something really horrible going on, I would suggest counseling. It would be easier to advise him if he had a specific reason.

[Gothic Sponge]

12. Thanks!

Might be post-partum.

[tigereye]

14. when you first have a baby it is pretty rough,

can cause a lot of arguing due to stress and more responsibility and very little sleep. I agree with the counseling option or at least conversations with some more experienced parents. Hope things improve for them.

[Gothic Sponge]

18. Thanks!

[Cheswick2.0]

15. What do you think?

Do you care about him enough to tell him what you really think and risk his friendship?

[Gothic Sponge]

17. Yes, i do

He may not like what i'm going to say, but i'm going to tell him.

[Cheswick2.0]

27. good for you

It may be the best thing you ever did for him.

[harrison]

16. Tell him that he owes it to himself to get counseling from a

non-judgmental counselor. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and things may be terrible for him.

[Gothic Sponge]

20. True

Thanks!

[samplegirl]

19. Just had a baby?????????

Figures........and wants a divorce already? I think he should think
about his child for awhile and his own happiness later.
I did it for years!!!

[Gothic Sponge]

21. I agree

He has to put his child first!

[miss_kitty]

36. my parents stayed together for the sake of the kids

and i wish they hadn't...

also i remember samplegirl having a hard time with her kid...a REAL hard time

okay..here's my answer and i think someone else already told this one. just listen to him. the only advice that YOU should offer is counseling for him/them. you said you were seeing a therapist...ask him/her for some pointers on active listening. you don't want to say anything bad about the mrs either...it might not really be over.

but in listening to your friend and being a pal for him, i'll bet it'll help you

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. Unless his wife is the hellcat from...uh, hell...

that's a lousy time to be breaking up a marriage.

(A relative of mine was married to a sociopath, and did leave her after their baby was born, especially after the baby died and she reacted as if it was no big deal and could talk about nothing but when she was going to get her figure back.)

However, there is a subspecies of the human male, especially the younger variety, that doesn't want to grow up and accept responsibility. They panic when real life--in the form of babies, economic hard times, annoying in-laws, a spouse's illness, or what have you--confronts them, and they want out so that they can be young and carefree again.

The truth is probably somewhere in between the two extreme scenarios.

[Gothic Sponge]

23. Thank you!

I get the feeling he doesn't want all the responsibility. He has been going through hard financial times. I think he misses being young and single. He picked a fine time!

[Name removed]

24. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[SarahB]

25. Babies change things. No doubt about it, but....

What awful timing. Did they have problems before or is he just being a self-absorbed prick because she can't cater to his every need at the moment? (I don't know the answer to this, I'm just asking the question.)

Another recommendation for counseling here. Life is sometimes actual work and we have to make sacrifices and be grown-ups. If the relationship was a good one before the baby with a good foundation, things will get better again. If not, it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

[Name removed]

26. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Bunny]

28. My, but you're insightful!!

I'm in awe!! You got so much information out of the OP! You kmow that it's all the wife's fault, that her hormones are off, that he needs to just get a secretary on the side for a while, and that child support is for 21 years! Dang, you're incredible. What a guy. :eyes:

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Bunny]

30. Yeah, one mood all the time.

I won't comment on what that mood is, but you can trust me, it's not favorable. As for cooking, you're welcome to get your own meals. Or do you need a woman to do your cooking for you? You probably have to go out, run your food down and kill it, right?

[3rdParty]

31. I guess you've never had fresh venison...

I can't run as fast as a deer but with a good rifle, I don't have to!!! As far as one mood - I never said it was good - just consistent.

[Bunny]

32. Actually, I've had fresh venison.

It sucks. Much like your uni-mood, I'm guessing.

[3rdParty]

33. oooooo ouch!!!

I think I know your mood right now hahaha touchy touchy touchy. And I'm not talking about the venison that you've had after your car has hit it. Or maybe you are as good a cook as this guys wife!! hahahahaha Is this guy YOUR husband???

[Bunny]

34. Thanks for flying DU airlines. Hope you enjoyed your flight.

Buh bye, now!

[3rdParty]

37. thanks!!! good luck with your cooking class!! I'm sure it will help!!!

[Bridget Burke]

35. So, tell us your domestic success story.....

Explain how you've got a wonderful home, with an attentive wife & lovely children.

Or bitch about your ex-wives & all that child support you've got to pay.

[3rdParty]

39. actually...

An ex took me to a seminar in NY by the author of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' (I think Dr. Gray) - we learned more there about each others moods and thoughts than anything else.

[Fleshdancer]

38. The birth of my daughter was the most stressful period of my marriage

It doesn't matter how many books you read or how many parents you talk to when pregnant, there's still no way to fully prepare for the sheer amount of stress involved in having a newborn. Hell, sleep deprivation is an interrogative tactic used against terrorists for a reason and yet parents have to deal with it all the time. It's not fun and certainly not easy.

There were times I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and yell "ENOUGH! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" and just leave it all, but life challenges us for a reason. Nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy...the trick is to be reminded of this. Besides, if he's as exhausted as I suspect he is, he has no business making such important, life shattering decisions. It obviously wouldn't be fair to his wife and baby, but it also wouldn't be fair to himself.

It does get easier. Promise him that. It is worth fighting for. There is no place he belongs more than with his family...the people who love him, support him, defend him, and need him. If he can't come to this conclusion on his own, then convince him to go to marriage counseling before ending the relationship.

[Rambis]

40. We have been together 17 years

and the first year with our first kid was a bitch! gotta hang in there. Get to a proffessional.