So a dog with a cowboy hat, a gun, and a missing foot walks into a bar.

[iconoclastic cat]

He saunters up to the bartender and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

[efhmc]

1. That is funny but it took me a sec. Getting slow in my old age.

[iconoclastic cat]

2. Do you have a good "walks into a bar" joke?

Sock it to me, baby!

[Poiuyt]

3. Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

[iconoclastic cat]

5. Very nice!

What about the dyslexic man who wondered if there really was a dog?

[Poiuyt]

4. A priest, a Rabbi, and an Irishman walked into a bar

The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[iconoclastic cat]

6. On their way home from the bar, two peanuts were chase down an alley.

(one was a salted.)

[Ilsa]

7. So this grasshopper hops into a bar,

and sits down at the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, I have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink "Bob"?"

[iconoclastic cat]

8. I haven't heard that one!

You know, I haven't heard any "George W. Bush walks into a bar" jokes yet. I wonder why?

[MisterP]

24. Okay: George Bush walks into a bar

Cheney ducks

[BlueHandDuo]

9. A skeleton walks into a bar...

...and says, "Give me whatever you've got on draft. And a mop."

[iconoclastic cat]

11. Welcome to DU!

And thanks for the joke! Very nice. I hope you have fun here!
:beer:
Cheers!

[Poiuyt]

13. Great!!!

[DemBones DemBones]

19. Hey! That's MY walked-into-a-bar-joke!

But you get a pass since you're new. Welcome to DU :hi:

[Poiuyt]

10. 3 guys walk into a bar...a priest, a pedophile, and a child molester...

and then the other 2 guys walk in.

[iconoclastic cat]

12. Careful!

Bars have a reputation to uphold!

[Poiuyt]

14. A baby seal walks into a bar.

"Whaddya have?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian club," replies the baby seal.

[iconoclastic cat]

16. Oh, man...

I shouldn't be laughing...
But I am!

[skygazer]

20. Crawling up from the floor

Where I fell down laughing hysterically. Very sick. Very funny.

:evilgrin:

[kodi]

22. you evil person.

you made me blow my beer out my nose with that one.

[Poiuyt]

15. A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender...

"I hear you have a genie hidden here and for $10,000 you will let anyone make a wish?"

The bartender nods so the man hands him $10,000. Then the bartender says "See the midget over there playing the piano? Ask him to see the genie."

The man goes and asks the midget to see the genie and without saying a word the genie hops off his stool, pushes the piano aside to reveal a door and ushers the man in. A moment later there is a huge ruckus and all you can hear is QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK

Then the door explodes open and out comes the man in a tidal wave of ducks and feathers. He immediately wades through the ducks and up to the bartender.

"YOUR STUPID GENIE! I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND I GOT A MILLION DUCKS!!!!!!"

And the bartender replies "The genie is hard of hearing, do ya think I asked for a 3 foot pianist?

[iconoclastic cat]

17. Fantastic!

I have heard that one, but it's damn good.

[Noodleboy13]

18. A bear walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the bear and says "I don't serve bears beer."
"I was in here the other week and I got a beer" replies the bear.
"That must have been Bartender Bill. I'm bartender Bob and Bartender Bob doesn't serve bears beer."
At this point the bear is getting a little huffy about this treatment.
"Look," he says "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bear, and I want a beer. If you don't get me a beer, I'll eat someone in this bar. I'll eat that woman over there."
"Listen, maybe you're kinda slow, being a bear and all, so I'll say it slower. Bartender Bob does not serve bears beer."
"Really?" says the bear. "Well you asked for it" and he lumbers over and gulps up the lone woman at the end of the bar, then lumbers back to the bartender. "So how about that beer now?" says the bear.
"Look,I already told you I don't serve bears beer" says Bartender Bob, "and I especially don't serve bears what are on drugs."
"What?" asks the bear, puzzled.
"well that was a bar-bitch you ate" (barbituate)


:eyes:

[Poiuyt]

21. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

From out of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You look great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the only other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way at the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer.

"That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again.

The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes."

The guy freaks out, and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!"

As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!"

"Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender.

"Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[Poiuyt]

23. Descartes walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After he finishes, the bartender says, "Mr. Descartes, would you like another?"

Descartes replies "I think not."

POOF! He disappears.


Stop me, please!

[antigone382]

25. So a guy walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and says "you see that beer mug hanging on the wall behind you?"

The bartender turns around and says "yeah."

"I bet you a hundred dollars I can piss right into that mug and not spill a drop anywhere else."

The bartender lifts an eyebrow, but says "okay."

So the guy whips it out and proceeds to piss all over the bar, as in everwhere.

The bartender says "Well, you lost, so you better pay up."

The guy walks away for a second and goes to a table where three other guys are sitting. He walks back up to the bar with a huge grin on his face and slaps down a hundred dollar bill.

"What are you smiling for?" asks the bartender, "you just lost a hundred bucks."

"Yeah, but I just bet those guys over there 400 bucks that I could get you to let me piss all over your bar."