my mother in law needs help

[frog]

My mother in law is at a very low point. Her husband (big asshole) just left her and her mother is dying. SHe has extreemely low self esteem and is a very uneducated person. SHe has the biggest heart Ive ever known. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help her realize that she can make herself happy and being alone is not the worst thing in the world. She is a wonderful person but her attitude is that nothing ever works out for her and her crappy life is a burden on everyone around her. Please help me help her
thanks
frog

[bigendian]

1. first things first

Listen to her but do not judge or try to put your views forward. Guide her if possible to trusted clergy if she is a believer.
You can help right now but seek support.

[Rainbowreflect]

2. Poor lady, going through too much.

All I can suggest is to be there for her. Spend as much time with her as you can and get other family and friends to do the same.
Ask for her help and her opinion on anything and everything. Let her know how much you appreciate her wisdom and her kindness. It will take time and love. You sound like a great daughter/son? in-law.

[supernova]

3. WOw! what a lot to take on

I feel for your MiL.


Offer to help with grandma's care. I would also suggest your Mil get into counselling. She sounds depressed, IMHO. Depending on where in the process grandma is, getting Hospice care is a wonderful option.

You could also talk in front of her about what a relief it is that the "big asshole" is gone. Much better to be safe and alone than together and scared and miserable.

[bigendian]

4. Careful on dissing the Big A.

She may actually miss him. It doesn't help to highlight someone's loss. It also doesn't help to tell them how lucky they are under the circumstances. That tells them that what they have been through is not that bad.
Let her hurt. It heals.

[northofdenali]

5. Poor woman.

frog, at least she has you to help. And it sounds as if you really do care - so being there for her is going to help in and of itself. However, I agree that this sounds like clinical depression. If you can, talk her into seeing her physician and/or counseling. Believe me, I've been there, medication and support really makes all the difference in the world.

I'm glad you are a caring, supporting person.

[inthecorneroverhere]

6. first trial

Try taking her out for the weekend - go to a restaurant or a summer festival etc.

Lots of people are pretty sensitive and will just get more deeply depressed if you try to push them into counseling immediately. Try a couple of other things first.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

7. try to remember that grief is a process and remember that

she is an adult, even if she is not educated or enlightened. Lots of times children try to force parents and in laws to do things that they think they would do in the same situation. Does not always work out.
Try to find out if she is feeling bad about her mother or the BA leaving.
If she misses the BA, try to understand that her entire way of life has just changed drastically for the first time in a long time. If it is over her mother, there are grief councillors that can help.
Give her a week or so to sort things out.
But just be there for her, if you can.

[BGAL1965]

8. If she is a church goer

encourage her to volunteer for nursery duty on sunday mornings . Get her diagnosed for chronic depression. At least once a day you and your wife tell her you love her. Encourage her to keep a journal of her feelings. Encourage her to take adult ed classes.If she dropped out of school encourage her to go back for her diploma. If she did graduate encourage her to look into life long learning classes. IF she doesn`t drive encourage her to learn how and get her lisence. Encourage her to join a greif support group. But most of all do not grow impatient. Your mother in law needs encouragement guidance love and patient support to over come her since of self loathing and feelings of worthlessness. Those are formidable mountains to climb and they cannot be done alone. Get her to go to a psychologist,ask her doctor to refer her. Push but don`t shove affection and encouragement will do much better than nagging.

[MissMarple]

9. She needs outside activities, perhaps helping others.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen, a food distribution center, a school, or something of that nature, if only for an hour or so a week. I hope her financial situation is OK. Good Luck.

[Rowdyboy]

10. First, hug her, frequently...

When my mom was deserted by my father in her 50's, the thing she missed the most was human touch. Hug her, kiss her cheek, hold her hand-give her contact to the human race. Do special things-mom loved going to plays and eating out at Mexican places but your MIL will have her own favorites.

If she likes flowers, plant a garden for her. If she likes books, go with her to the library. Do odd things, visit formal gardens or museums, or go fishing...

Please let her know how much you care.

[roguevalley]

11. Make a routine with her.

Take her to lunch, have her get her hair and nails done.
That sort of thing might be a pick me up. My mom goes to
a salon that is sort of a girls barber shop, if you know
what I mean.

Have her get a physical. She's probably exhausted. Then,
if she's depressed which she obviously is, take something.
For the short term, until she feels better, that is a good
thing.

Have her talk about things, tell her she looks good now
that she's not stifled, call her from time to time. Be
there. If someone deserted her, then be there.