FUCK. How Do You Tell Your Dad He Shouldn't Come Visit?

[matcom]

Mom won't ride with him because of a medical problem. Dad wants to come to Massachusetts from North Carolina alone cause he doesn't think he needs help.

Mom says she doesn't like traveling with him because he has a tendency to fall asleep (some of you might remember their near fatal accident with their camper).

There is more to it than that as they now make frequent stops and she does some of the driving (they have been up a dozen times since the accident). She is making an excuse due to another 'minor' medical condition.

I don't want Dad up here alone but he is insistent. This sucks.

Look. It is more complicated than I can post here but how the HELL do you tell your Dad, who you love very much, that he has to see a doctor BEFORE visiting?

He is gonna be pissed. I hate this.

FUCK

[DebJ]

1. Can he take a train? Trains are great. You can do things

while you travel instead of enduring tedium, leg cramps, back pain and blurred vision.

[matcom]

3. nope. he is adamant

train isn't practical. neither (really) is flying

he wants to drive up the coast. he (they) have done it a dozen times. 2 days on the road with plenty of stops.

i am beside myself

[HereSince1628]

6. That's my thought too...alternatives to driving...

Buses, trains, planes.

Compared to the anxiety about accidents in a car, one of these may seem most reasonable.

[proud patriot]

2. That sucks

I wish everyone the best Matt :hug:

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

4. <Sigh> But Matt, it's DADCOM...

and you know he's a pretty tough sumbitch. Or he likes to think he is.

Man, I have been there and done that. I feel for you.

[supernova]

5. Take the train; get him an airplane ticket

Does he have a Doc in Asheville?

[librechik]

7. take care of your dad--tell him you'll drag him to the doc yourself

my dad's the same way--he hates the sawbones and pretends he's not sick so he won't have to go. There's a huge central mass, but he won't let anybody do a biopsy, just swallows pain pills by the handful. Then he's dingy, but insists he can drive (he's 79 and diabetic)

Get firm with him--my dad appreciates it from me, grumpily, but I'm a daughter.

Good luck!

[Momof1]

8. Matcom...I understand your situation

They had to pry my grandfathers drivers license from him at the age of 88. At that time he was almost completely blind and deaf. An accident was the only thing that finally got him to give up driving.

Now my father is almost 80, he drives all the time. The other day he was in Washington DC, and this weekend he will drive to NY. His driving scares everyone, but it is his only source of income.

Do you think your Dad would consent to taking a bus? And then when he gets with you, you can force him to go to the Drs?

Old men, can be very stubborn. Believe me I know. I hope you can figure something out.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. That's quite a dilemma

But something a lot of people here have surely had to face with telling parents that they shouldn't drive and/ror can't drive, sometimes even having their licenses taken away.

I can't tell you what to do - I've never been in that situation, since my mother willingly gave up driving as soon as she knew she couldn't - but I CAN say that honesty is the thing that will work best.

Tell him that you are worried about his health and it's effect on his driving; that you'd love him to be there to visit, but that if he has to drive alone you forbid it becuase you don't want him to injure himself, kill himself, or injure/kill someone else.

Losing the ability to drive can be VERY difficult for a lot of people, especially the elderly - another sign that their bodies are falling apart, and in this wondrous nation that GM et. al. have created by destroying public transportation for the most part, a person without the ability to drive is almost for all itents and purposes housebound. Be there to support him, but also be firm and honest that you don't want him driving unless he sees a doctor or has someone with him, or whatever.

Perhaps he can fly up? Take a train?

Gonna be a tough conversation, but someone needs to have it with him. Sounds like perhaps your mother won't, so looks like the onus might be on you.

Best wishes and good luck. Sounds like your relationship with your parents is making a significant shift in terms of number of times you see each other, and their ability to be mobile.

[JanMichael]

10. You fly down, and drive up with him

might be the only solution.

[supernova]

12. Now that's an interesting idea.

[GOPisEvil]

20. Yeah...that is what I might suggest.

In addition to helping him maintain some independence while keeping his safety in mind, you get to spend additional time with him while driving.

[mcar]

24. That's what I would suggest

A real pain, but you may be able to convince him that you want the time with him, one-on-one.

[DebJ]

11. tell him YOU can't handle it! Will he put you through that?

[Wapsie B]

13. He needs to see a Sleep Specialist

NOW. Sounds like Sleep Apnea to me. He really shouldn't drive anywhere until he gets treated.

[Malva Zebrina]

14. Let him make his own decisions at this period in his life

period.

It does not reflect upon you in any way what decisions he makes, or what decision they both make as lifelong partners, although I can sympathize with your concerns.

The ability to be in charge of one's own life is crucial, especially when one reaches the final years and knows that.

Give him that dignity.

[Unperson 309]

18. Dignity?!

When a person is unsafe behind the wheel, due to advancing age, it is not their DIGNITY that's at stake!

It's their life and limb and that of every driver on the road with them. Yes, older persons NEED choices and independence, but when they become unsafe behind the wheel of a vehicle, everyone who KNOWS they are unsafe and allows them to drive anyway becomes an accessory before the fact to vehicular assault, mayhem or manslaughter, should an accidnet occur.

My mother and I had this very scene. She wept, accused me of not loving her, said she was ready to die... she put me and the Missus through Hell, emotionally... but in the end she knew we were right.

Consider the dignity of the other drivers and their families! How dignified will children be at their parents' funerals? How dignified will parents be burying their kids?

I hope and pray on bended knee that I'll be bright enough and HUMBLE enough to figure out when to hand over my keys... and if I'm NOT, that my son will have the backbone to tell me to my face. We raised him to understand that his folks weren't the final authority on common sense, that some day he would be brighter, stronger than us. That someday, HE would be making the decisions. I hope it took!

THAT will be MY dignity!

309

[Wapsie B]

19. I agree totally.

If you let a person like that drive it's almost like playing Russian roulet. He's already had one bad accident. If he had another while coming up to Mass. you'd never forgive yourself. His family doctor needs to put the fear of God in him and give him a referral to a Sleep doc.

I deal with this male machismo/male denial all the time. They don't have any problem until it's too late.

[Amaya]

15. This is a hard one..

Maybe INSIST that he sees a doctor first. It's for his own good and well being.


Sending good vibes to ya :hug:

[Unperson 309]

16. It May Be Difficult, But You Must Write Him

or better yet, CALL! As unpleasant as it may be, consider how it would be if you didn't and something happened.

If it helps, try visualizing what you would say if you were the parent and he was your son. Another tactic might be to inform the Dept of motor vehicles in his state that he is no longer a safe driver.

Yes, this is "tattling" but consider this... HE is not the ONLY one at risk, here! *Every* other car on the road WITH him is at risk of a fatal collision if he nods off behind the wheel!

There is a time when you must shake off the sense of being the child in the relationship. That time is now, when you can see (and so can your Mom!) that he is no longer safe to drive.

If you do *not* call or write him, and TELL him that if he does not rethink his plans you WILL report him, then you become indirectly responsible for what happens. Think of it as the old "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." thing. You know he is an impaired driver and if your Mom won't step in, you must.

I had to wrest the car keys away from my mother when she got too old to drive. Physically take them from her and inform her that she was not getting them ever again. It was damned HARD, but in the end, I am certain I saved her life and the lives of several other people I never knew. She cried, she berated me, but finally, her doctor and I both convinced her it was the right thing to do.

So remember... life does not rewind. You have *this* moment when you can act... later will be too late. The crunch is now. Do it.

After all... it might be someone you love very much in the next lane over when Dad nods off for the last time.

309

[dweller]

17. Find him a

rider that needs a ride around the same time, some college student or traveler that needs to get there or past there and would share the driving expenses, etc.
Some radical kid to keep him talking and alert, etc.

win/win situation there. Course then, you have to get him back home too...
dp

[Southsideirish]

21. You have to consider not only him but anyone else who might get

involved via an accident. Not to scare you but it is a reality these days. Fly down there on some excuse and come back up with him.

[bratcatinok]

22. Matcom, it's hard but it has to be done.

Re-read your statement:

Look. It is more complicated than I can post here but how the HELL do you tell your Dad, who you love very much, that he has to see a doctor BEFORE visiting?

You tell him you love him very much, you tell him you are very worried and in order to relieve you of the worry he needs to see a doctor to get a clean bill of health. Tell him to do it for you to help ease your mind. Tell him how panicked you are because you're afraid something might be wrong.

He may be pissed but which would you rather have? A pissed alive Dad or a Dad who has killed someone or himself? Pissed can be temporary, dead isn't.

[havocmom]

23. Have your mom talk to DADCOM's doctor and lay it all out for him

There may be hell to pay for a few days, but your dad sounds like he does listen to reason. He came around about the junta afterall!

Seriously, elist the help of a trusted doctor, or clergyman if your dad is a chruch going sort of citizen. An old pal, someone whose opinion carries weight.

Tell him all your evilDUer friends count on his expert analysis of news events and the whole resistance movement would come to a screeching halt if anything happened to him.

DADCOM, we need you. MATCOM loves you. Do the responsible thing and leave the driving to someone else. Save your energie for the important stuff in life!

[Dekapo]

25. Fly him

n/t

[Forkboy]

26. My dad is always visiting...and it's good

He's ten times funnier than I am (not hard to do),and he always has some funny advice (like telling me I should volunteer to be the next Mars probe).He's a riot to be around.

I hope everything works out ok with your dad.It sounds like a lousy situation for you.Maybe flying?

Hope it works out Matt.

[nini]

27. If he's being defiant like a child, you have to treat him like one

typical behavior for a parent who is losing control. Their need to stay in control blocks their common sense.


on edit: I reread this and see it's mom with the medical condition.. I took the falling asleep thing as a problem with him

hmmm you are in a bind.. but I've got to say that's a bit of a long drive for someone to take by themselves. I'd tell him to hold off until Mom can come next time. Either that or suck it up and try and get him to shorten the trip..

Oh crap... one thing I can say though. you will NEVER regret the time with him if you can handle it. I regret not taking a trip with my dad about a year before he died. Guilt sucks more than this will.

:hug:

[TheWizardOfMudd]

28. "Dad, you shouldn't come visit!"

Any more questions?

[Nihil]

29. Sympathies Matcom

We have the same problem with my father-in-law.

Both he and my mother-in-law still drive - she better than him - but
while they are OK around town, neither of them should be on a motorway.
Their vision is still legal but not good. Their reactions are not good.
Their judgement (of distances & speed) is no longer good. That is not
a comfortable combination on a busy, fast motorway/trunk road route.

The difference between them is that my M-i-L understands this and will
always take the train for long journeys whereas my F-i-L refuses to
accept reality. (Sometimes M-i-L will manage to persuade F-i-L to catch
the train but this is pretty rare.)

Whenever possible, I drive across and pick them up (~150 miles each way).
On a few occasions, my nephew has done the same (even though it's an
extra 100 or so miles to the round trip).

The rest of the time ... well, we end up going through the same thing
that you're going through now!

Best of luck.

Nihil