I have to see my wife today, and i haven't seen her in 7 months.

[Gothic Sponge]

My wife left me 7 months ago. She had went away on a business trip for a week, came home and dropped a bomb on me. She said she didn't love me anymore, and she's moving out.... We had just started to try and have a child 3 months before this news!?!?....I was devastated! I was so in love with her! I had a bit of a nervous breakdown after she left...For a while i couldn't even get out of bed. I'm doing okay now, i'm seeing a psychologist. To get over the pain, i had to treat her leaving me as if she had died. Now today she is going to be haunting me for a bit. She has to come by to pick up some of her stuff she left behind......I need good wishes from everyone. I need to get through this day.

:cry:

[bearfan454]

1. I hope it works out okay today.

How long were you two married ?

[Gothic Sponge]

3. Thanks

3 years married, 4 years dating.

[Maddy McCall]

2. Do you have a very close friend or family member who can be there...

when she arrives?

[Gothic Sponge]

6. Unfortunately, no

[Maddy McCall]

12. May I ask one more question?

Why did she wait so long to retrieve her stuff?

I agree with the poster under my post; you may find this to be cathartic.

[Gothic Sponge]

13. She basically has been using me as storage !

To make the process quick when she came i even boxed her stuff up for her. That was very hard emotionally.

[Paradise]

22. leave the boxes outside the door!

OR

get in touch with her, immediately, tell her "i have a date so i'll be shipping your "stuff" to you, take it or leave it! you shouldn't be put through this! we're here for you, Gothic! :grouphug:

[hlthe2b]

36. I like this idea... If you can afford it, call and tell her you'll ship it

That gives you the active role (rather than the "reactive role") in all of this and I think it would be very very cathartic and healing..

[Paradise]

39. self-delete. (error) nt

[bearfan454]

7. Maybe she might be in a real good mood.

You know ?

[Paradise]

25. :) you're so cute. really, you are. :) nt

[bearfan454]

26. You never know.

It could happen.

[Paradise]

27. you're right! :) nt

[Misunderestimator]

4. Damn, that's hard....

But it's only a day, and it will pass. It will bring up all the old crap from seven months ago for sure, but just remember how she did this, and that someone like that doesn't deserve your undying love.

I had a similar thing happen to me many years ago, and after 6 months apart we also had to see eachother to take care of some things. I was dreading the meeting and prepared to be an idiot... but all I felt when the moment came was relief that my feelings had changed, and it was a catharsis for me.

I hope the same for you. :hug:

[King Of Paperboys]

5. God bless you, Sponge

I don't have any advice, so I'm glad you didn't ask for any! All I can say is, I feel for you. It's a royal bitch.

[PoiBoy]

8. Good luck to you today...

..be strong and everything will be okay... :hi:

[Divernan]

9. Put all "her stuff" right outside the front door.

Box it if possible to speed up the process. If you can't safely leave it outside the door, keep it right inside and hand it out to her. Don't let her rip you off. Hope you prepared for this visit with your psychologist. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Syncronaut Seven]

24. Kind of a hostile act, don't you think?

Bad opening move, Be civil & Polite. Be prepared for the possibility that she may (or may not) have had second thoughts. If you have no interest in reconcilliation steel your resolve in advance. Don't be a jerk, or appear needy. Just be yourself.

A close friend or relative in attendance is a good idea, particularly if you think it might go badly.

Worst case, the sherrif/police will often send someone out if you call their NON emergency number in advance and explain your situation.

I've been married for 15 years now & I was able to confidently use a past g/f last month as a professional reference. Be cool to your ex-es, It's good karma & you might even get to keep a friend.

[Padraig18]

10. Sending strength your way.

We'll be thinking of you, lad!

:hug:

[thebaghwan]

11. You know you don't have to be there when she comes unless you want to.

A friend of yours could be there to see she gets her stuff. From your post you make it sound like you have to see her but don't really want to. So if that is the case don't see her. I will be thinking of you today. Good Luck!

[Gothic Sponge]

14. I wish i didn't have to be here

but i'm going to have to talk with her about finalizing certain things.

[thebaghwan]

19. How about you skip that part and tell her you will call her on a certain

day at a specified time. Better yet have your friend tell her.

[Paradise]

23. no, you don't! have your attorney do it. nt

[traco]

47. You could

put her stuff on the porch or in the yard. Have a note attached to one of the boxes that says "We need to discuss certain issues, call to arrange a meeting at a neutral place".

[Fovea]

15. Remember

You fill the hole in the following way ...

dirt
broken glass
lime
dirt
broken glass
lime
body

The broken glass keeps the neighborhood pets from digging.

Really, I just wanted you to laugh. I have been in your shoes.

[brainshrub]

29. What's the lime for?

You mean the fruit?

[mitchum]

37. Skip the lime!

Uh...uh....somebody...told me that it actually helps preserve the...uh...evidence :)

[mike_c]

16. best wishes, GS....

I feel for you. My wife and I are in the midst of a divorce, like have a tooth pulled continuously for six months. She's moved out, but I still have to interact with her several times a week. It never gets any easier. Just remember that you'll still be here tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. Life goes on.

One piece of advice: be cordial, but don't offer to initiate deep conversations-- no matter how much you might want to-- and don't be sucked in if she tries. Just politely do whatever you need to do to help her get her stuff and go. She's probably dreading this as much as you are, and neither of you wants to look back on this as any worse an experience than it has to be.

Best of luck!

[Love Bug]

17. Sorry you have to go through this

Let us know how it goes. We've all had to go through painful breakups or divorces, so you have many sympathetic ears here!

It's a good thing she's come to get her stuff. Without those painful reminders around you might find the healing process works better. Not to mention her "energy" will no longer be in your house once her stuff is gone.

[readmylips]

18. Sponge: You don't have to do....anything...

except protect yourself from the mental and emotional anguish. You come first and from what you say, you are not prepared for the assault and confrontation. Gather her stuff and deliver them to a neutral place for her to pickup. Rent a small UHaul trailler, pack it up, leave it in front of your house and let her be responsible for hauling it off. Don't forget, that mostlikely, she doesn't want to see you either and doesn't want a confrontation.

Good Luck!

[madrchsod]

20. i agree -put her stuff

on the "porch" or don`t be there. there is no reason to see her anymore.but what ever you do ,stay strong,and remember who you are today.

[exJW]

21. I feel for you buddy

We men find ourselves feeling so weak at these times... while she looks so strong.

Whatever.

The truth is you've made it this far, you'll get thru this, and all that love you had IS a form of strength.

You will find ways to channel that strength back to yourself, and outward to others in the future.

btw, she didn't die, so don't pretend like she did. You don't need games to get over pain, you just have to accept it head on. Just admitting that it is pain you feel and not (just) anger is better than most men.

Best of luck, you'll get through this.

[indigobusiness]

28. Hire a prostitute

and bang her loudly while your ex gathers her stuff.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

31. Your suggestion...

has a certain je ne c'est quoi...;-)

[indigobusiness]

33. Thank you...

If only I did.

[davsand]

34. The best revenge is living well!

Be sure and hire a REALLY pretty one with an exceptionally LOUD voice!

:evilgrin:

All joking aside, I have to admit that it would be a temptation to me just throw her stuff on the front yard and then leave for the day. I guess that would be construed as a negative sort of interaction, however, and I wouldn't want to steer you toward any further issues than the ones you have already.

It always amazed hell outta me that people were "friends" after a break up. I can't say I dislike some of my old flames, but I sure as hell never wanted to hang out with them or even really deal with them once the breakup was over. If I'm being really blunt abut it, once someone has shared my bed, they are most likely NOT gonna be my best buddy once we split up--ya know?

Maybe it just shows how infantile I really am, but I just couldn't get my head around all the "I want to stay friends" talk. I resented hell outta the people who told me it was wrong to walk away and not look back--it was how I felt and I figured that was how I was gonna respond. When it was over it was OVER. No anger, no retribution--they were just GONE.

Strength to you , and I hope you can find some way to deal with this all without too much more hurt or psychic damage.


Laura

[Mikimouse]

30. My thoughts are with you...

The most difficult part for me was when my wife kept asking what of our joint things she could take. I let her take pretty much whatever she wanted, within reason, but it was difficult. Everytime she asked for something, it brought back the memories of how we came to have that particular piece. After she finally left, I felt hollow for an amazingly short time, and then found other good reasons to do what I needed to do. She hasn't been in contact with me for over a month now, but she also hasn't lived here since last September. Things will get better. I agree with many of the others here that you should simply put the stuff on the porch with a note, and leave it at that. You'll save yourself some pain.

[Feanorcurufinwe]

32. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

I have been going through a similar journey. I know exactly what you mean about treating it emotionally as if you had become a widower. I hope your anticipatory fears for today turn out to be unfounded.

[sendero]

35. You have my sympathy...

.. that is one of the hardest things a person can endure. Many years ago I went through the same thing. Consciously, I thought we had a good marriage, but suddenly it was over. Maybe subconsciously I knew it wasn't that good.

The next 6 months were hell. But time fixed it all.

Is there any way you can not be there - let a friend handle this? Seeing her is not likely to do you any good.

Be strong, and know that you will have the relationship you want someday.

[mitchum]

38. Good Luck, G_S...

I will be thinking of you and sending strength your way

[testing123]

40. I have a similar situation

But, I am still being told that I am loved although several more people are being loved as well.

It tears your heart out but the healing process should start soon and the heartless bitch will get what she has coming to her in the end.

I also put people that have done me wrong behind me as if they have died and it helps.

I feel for you dude.

[CanuckAmok]

41. Wow..we should talk...

My wife did the exact same thing in January. Except she didn't come home from her business trip, she *phoned* to say she wanted out. Classy, huh?

Nervous breakdown? Check.

Bargaining for reconcilliation? Check.

Anger? Check.

Fear? Check.

Resentment? Check.

Psychologist? Check.

Venlafaxine and Lorazepam to fight the depression? Check-a-doodle-doo!

Our divirce is really ugly, and there are suits and counter-suits flying back and forth. She didn't want to settle; she wanted everything. Don't take this the wrong way, but in a way I wish she *had* died, because I'd be getting on with my life. But you and I are in stasis, waiting for whatever it is that will finally close the door on these episodes. For me, it may be as long as February, when our litigation is scheduled to start. February 14th, to be exact...Happy Valentine's Day!

Do you have to wait for court orders, etc? That's what wears me down...the waiting. Here in BC, you have to wait a full year after suing for divorce before the order is granted. For me, that's January 22, 2005.

At one point, I wanted to take all her stuff and throw it in the Municpal Land Fill, but one of my friends talked me out of that. I decided to carefully box up all her personal items and store them safely in the garage. Actually, my mom did most of it for me, because it was a very difficult experience.

It's still there, because she hasn't come to get it. We've agreed under court order not to communicate except through our lawyers, which I think is good advice for anyone.

When she does come to get her junk, it's all neatly packed and labelled in the garage; there's no need for her to enter MY house to get any of it (and the locks and alarm code have been changed to make sure she doesn't). And, when she does come to get it, I will have a Mountie standing by, because I don't trust her--she's been completely unstable since January.

If you don't want to involve the local police, at least have a friend or two, or a neighbour present when she comes...it will protect you from any allegations she makes while you are together ("I just came to get a few things, and he slapped me and threatened me with death!"), and it will make her feel uncomfortable enough that she won't want to hang around all day. She'll probably bring someone, too.

Don't reconcile. Screw her. She broke a contract with you, and that's her loss. There are millions of women who don't suck. Go find one of them.

I loved my wife dearly, too, but there's no way in hell she'll ever be a part of my life again. Time has taught me that there was something deeply wrong with my wife, and that she was bad for me.

Move on. Sell the house. Buy something stupid you've always wanted (for me it's a Toyota Land Cruiser and an autographed first edition of "Fight Club"). Make a clean break. Start a new life.

Good luck to you, Gothic Sponge. If you want to chat extensively, PM me.

on edit: I don't think you should leave her stuff in an unsecured area, such as a porch. If things get litigious between the two of you, she could accuse you of not taking care of her possessions, and that some valuable things 'were stolen'. That could affect your settlement...it's a worst case scenario, of course, but why give her any ammo? Put it in the basement, garage, storage locker, neighbour's house, or somewhere else with sufficient security.

[catmandu57]

42. At least you didn't come home and find her

doing the horizonal bob with your best friend, in your bed none the less. I don't know what to tell you other than it's a bitch and the farther down the road you get the less it hurts.

[PopSixSquish]

43. Been There, Done That

and bought the t-shirt.

It was four years ago and my ex-husband was the one who moved out, but could never seem to "find the time" to come and get his stuff or do anything to move ahead on the divorce.

I finally took control of the situation. It hurt like hell for a time and then one day, it didn't hurt as much and it was up from there.

I'll keep you in my thoughts today.

:hug:

[CanuckAmok]

44. Heh..here we have an 'abandonment clause'...

If you abandon your residence, after a fixed amount of time, the owner(s) or occupants of that residence can serve you with a notice that you have 30 days in which to retrieve your possessions, or they will be lawfully disposed of.

You can donate them to charity, sell them, or throw them away, completely legally.

So.....tempting.....

[PopSixSquish]

46. I Threatened to Set Them on Fire in the Front Yard!!!

like Angelia Basset did in Waiting to Exhale.

But finally I just up and moved out of the house (since neither of us wanted it) and forced him to do everything in order to sell it.

[CanuckAmok]

48. Mine won't let me sell!

I'm rattling around by myself in a 4000 sq/ft country home, because she believes she's going to get both our residences in the settlement. I even said we should sell it and put the proceeds in a court ordered trust fund until the settlement is done, but she refuses to sign.

Can't sell it, not allowed to rent it out...I'm trapped here becuse of my bubbleheaded wife.

This place is all about the gardens. If I have to wait until February to list it, I'll probably lose $30,000 against what it's worth in the summer.

[PopSixSquish]

51. The Place Sounds Really Nice

California is a community property state, so he either had to agree to sell it or buy me out of my half the house.

You may want to take some pictures or video of the house during the spring and summer just to show what the gardens can look like. I live in GA now and there are some outstanding gardens/landscaping in this neighborhood, but during the winter it does look somewhat drab.

I hope it all works out for you.

[WilliamPitt]

45. Leave the door unlocked and go see a movie

[Southsideirish]

50. Great advice - do it!!

[Rhiannon12866]

49. Oh, boy

Sounds like this is going to be a tough day for you. You have my heartfelt sympathy and total support. I will be thinking of you and sending strength and positive thoughts in your direction. Good luck and let us know how it goes.:grouphug:

[Maddy McCall]

52. Hey, Gothic Sponge. How ya holding up. Give us an update.

Please? :-)

[Cheswick2.0]

53. I hope you are okay

I hope you never have to see her again if you don't want to. It took me a long time to cut my ex out of my life when he left. I am talking 8 years. Everyone told me I had to be friends with him, forgive him blah blah blah. Even my own family. I finally stopped listening to them and I cut him out of my life and it was the best decision I ever made.
Now you may not want to or need to do that. The point is, do what is right for you. I found that I am much saner with not seeing or talking to him. Give her the stuff and then think really hard about what is right for you, not her, YOU.

[GreenPartyVoter]

54. *great big hug*

[Gothic Sponge]

55. I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone

It was emotionally draining yesterday, but i made it through. Thanks again for all your support.

[Rhiannon12866]

56. Anytime. This is what your DU family is here for.

Glad to hear that you are okay. Thank you for the update. We were worried.:grouphug:

[flamingyouth]

57. I'm sorry I didn't see this thread earlier

And I didn't know what you were going through. I'm sorry. :hug:

[SarahB]

58. I noticed.

Glad you're doing better. :hug: Life is hard sometimes.