1st relationship: dumper or dumpee?

[Kenneth ken]

Poll question: 1st relationship: dumper or dumpee?

This is related to ARWalden's poll about whether you've been the dumper or dumpee more often.

My instinct was to say "dumpee" but I did the actual count and find i was the dumper more often.

That lead me to this question; does the outcome of a person's first relationship carry a heavier stigma than the others?

In my first relationship, I got dumped by the young woman.

so:

[Kenneth ken]

1. gosh

my own poll and I don't like any of the easy choices. :silly:

I don't think getting dumped traumatized me, but there is a slight echo every time I approach a new potential relationship that reminds me I may get dumped.

[KG]

2. think i'll just take a dump.

while trying to recall who dumped who the first time.

[Kenneth ken]

8. hope it was a good one

a good dump is highly under rated. :P

[DontBlameMe]

3. Dumped, first time.

Dated her again twice.

Oh, and Robb is still a dingbat.

[Kenneth ken]

9. just in case you weren't sure you wanted to dump her?

or some other reason?

I dumped a woman, then dated her off and on for a while more. I think I was trying to make up for hurting her. It was a bad idea, it only keeps the owunds open longer.

[amandae]

4. Dumped him after three months ...

in 7th grade ... he forgot my birthday. Unforgiveable :P

[amandae]

19. Sometimes it's obvious when you're on someone's ignore list ...

:P

[Kenneth ken]

21. that's not true

I know I replied to you -

I wrote good move on your part; he would have just gone on to forget anniversaries and Valentine's Day, etc.

I don't know what happened to the post, but I wrote it. I went through the whole thread and replied to every one.

I do apologize.

[Pithlet]

5. Dumped.

I was 16 years old, and devastated. I thought my life was over. Was the worst breakup I'd ever been through. I've long since recovered :)

[Kenneth ken]

12. I'm glad you recovered

:hug:

the teen years can be awful. everything seems so intense and important at the time. I think it's a general lack of perspective; one does't seem "new" but so many experiences are new.

[Pithlet]

22. Thanks

Actually, it was a good thing. Looking back, I realized what a jerk he was. And right wing, too.

[Kenneth ken]

24. he probably says the same thing

"good thing, she'd have been impossible to control and keep in her place. Dang wimmin with minds of their own anyway." :P

[Nikia]

6. I dumped my first boyfriend

I dumped my first "boyfriend" when I was 12 because my friends thought that he was a mega geek and were going to dump me if I didn't dump him. I now realize that maybe they weren't very good friends and that was very wrong of me to do, but I didn't understand such things when I was 12. We didn't even kiss though so I don't know if I should really consider him a boyfriend even though we were "going together".
I dumped my first serious boyfriend, who I dated from age 15-16, after dating him for a year. I discovered that I didn't really want to date him after about 6 months but I felt bad about doing it so I put it off. I finally did it after he took me out to dinner and then asked why I had seemed distant recently. I really dug into him and dumped him. Maybe, that wasn't the nicest way to do it either.
I don't think that had had anything to do with my future. I have always been overly empathetic. My parents divorced when I was really young too. As a result, I didn't want to have casual relationships that would have to end. On the otherhand, like my first relationship, I didn't want to continue a serious relationship with someone who I wouldn't want to marry. I met my future husband when I was 19. Some people think I was too young and would have enjoyed the single life for a while. I don't think so. It made me sad whenever a relationship ended.

[Kenneth ken]

13. there isn't a good way to dump someone

so there really isn't any reason to feel bad about however it was done. Some of what you write sounds like me; empathetic, my parents also divored when I was young (5) - I used to get into relationships easily and then find I ought to have spent a little more time getting to know the person before jumping ahead to the dating.

[supernova]

7. Dumped him after 9 years

of mental and financial torture.

It took me a long time to heal and I try not to let it color my view of future relationships. But easier said than done. Most of it is I don't trust my judgement about who's a good person to be in a relationship with and who isn't.

[Kenneth ken]

15. sorry for your hurt

however long ago it may have been. :hug:

a woman I once dated told me trust is earned. I had always thought it was something one gave instinctively. I find that for me, I like it better if I just give trust instinctively. If I hold back and wait for someone to earn my trust, they usually get tired of having to jump through the hoops and pass all the trust tests.

[HEyHEY]

10. DUMPEE - but it was a close one

Somene over heard I was going to dump her - so that person ran and told her. I was going to end the hell face to face, but she chickened out and wrote me a note....a NOTE! I would have been the dumper but she had to sink low.

Goddammit - I'll never forget my buddy Gord - we were in a class full of her friends. And he snatch the note from me and said really loudly "What a bitch!"

[Kenneth ken]

16. ain't young love grand

:D

I dumped a young woman once by asking out her best friend. I knew the friend would go, but she would tell. I thought it would be easier for my girlfriend if I got her to dump me.

Graet idea; she called up crying and hurt - I felt a good two inches tall. And even smaller than that the next time I ran into her.

[Kat45]

11. Mine was a mutual dump.

Our relationship had played itself out, was no longer doing anything for either of us, we weren't even seeing each other that often any more. I brought up the subject of breaking up, he agreed, we had sex, then we were broken up.

Edited to add: 27 years later, we are still friends!

[Kenneth ken]

17. that sounds like a good way

I've never been that fortunate. lucky you!

[fudge stripe cookays]

14. I was 19, in college

We'd been together for a year, but had started bickering like crazy. He fit me in wherever he could between classes, his job, his band, etc.

I slept w/someone else, he tried sleeping with someone else, and it just turned into a trainwreck.

I finally took the final step, then realized I still loved him and wanted back. He was through.

32 Sominex pills later (mine), we were REALLY over.

It took me ages to get over this for good, since I still had a lot of unresolved issues about my dad's death, my step-monster, etc. After that, I was much more careful about dumping people. And sometimes I still came crawling back.

Thankfully, I finally found someone wonderful for me.

[Kenneth ken]

18. I'm glad you found some one wonderful for you

:hug:

may you always see the wonder of him and he the wonder of you.

[SarahB]

20. I dumped my first real boyfriend and it was stupid!!!

He was beautiful (he was 6' 2" and we were both freshman in high school), brown hair, blue eyes, smart, sweet as Hell. There was this creep who liked me and he was friends with a girl who was sort of a friend of mine. He had her get really chummy with me and all she talked about was how everyone hates boyfriend #1, big loser, etc. and I was young, stupid and I caved. So who was waiting in the wings? Sleazoid boyfriend #2 who in a few months I lost my virginity to and while it wasn't bad sexually (actually it was pretty good just physically), I never had many feelings for him and he really was a creep. I broke up with him too and my family ended up moving 1500 miles away a couple months after that, so that's about the last I saw of him. He was, however, the last creepy type guy I went out with. After that, I tried to stick with the more quiet, nice guy types for the most part.

[Kenneth ken]

23. I'm sorry

:hug:

I don't really have a good word to add here. It's hard being young; maybe it was for the best. It would have been harder for you to move away if you had stuck with boy friend #1.

Since boyfriend #2 was the last creepy guy you went out with, at least you're a fast learner. :D

[SarahB]

25. I ran into a few, but...

They never lasted long (nor got the goods). I was smarter and wiser for the experience anyway.

[Kenneth ken]

29. I've always thought it best

not to give up the goods too easily. It's the most personal gift one can give, and should be treated as such, by both the giver and receiver.

but that's just me.

:hi:

[FDRrocks]

26. I almost always got dumped...

but of course I used the 'shotgun method' of dating in high school. My last few I've actually been the dumper.

[Kenneth ken]

28. by shotgun method

do you mean dating as many at a time as you could? Sounds like spraying affections over as wide a field as possible. Yes, I think that would lead to a fair amount of getting dumped. On the other hand, if you're spreading affections around, it might not be very noticable that you'd been dumped, since there would be several others still at hand.

Keep chasing 'em until one catches you. :9

[FDRrocks]

30. Not multiple people at one time...

Just back to back. Meet someone between classes and ask them out after next period, and similar stuff.

I haven't always been the best boyfriend... but no one can ever say I've cheated on a girl. :)

[Piltdown13]

27. First two relationships I ended

Pretty much an even mix of mutual decision and me getting dumped thereafter (though I can't say I've ever been surprised by the time the guy called it quits).

I don't think dumping my first boyfriend had any lasting effects; by the time it ended I was so pissed off at him that I couldn't feel bad enough about hurting him to take him back. We had honesty issues (I found out accidentally that he wasn't in the country legally, for instance -- after several months of hassling him about not taking the SAT and applying for college even though he was very smart and had good grades and having him just make up one excuse after another; but of course you can't get financial assistance if you're not a citizen) and he was possessive and too proud to ever ask anyone for help...AND it turned out he was looking to get married right out of high school. It took longer than it should have for me to 1. figure out he was like this and 2. realize that I shouldn't be putting up with it -- hey, I was 15 and pretty naive. I felt bad about breaking it off, because he was obviously in it for the long haul, but I have to admit, I got over that when he started essentially stalking me (he had graduated, but he hung around the school and stared at me so frequently that no other guy would dare to ask me out).

The second relationship that I ended just barely counts, because it was one-sided -- I thought the guy and I were just friends, but one evening it became clear he thought differently, and I had to disabuse him of that idea before he got hurt too badly.

Since then, I've noticed that it's been mutual breakups for the most part, which is definitely much better! :-)

Edit for clarity

[Kenneth ken]

31. most of the times I've been dumped

didn't really come as a surprise to me either. Sounds like you were well rid of the first guy.

One of these days I will have to try a mutual break up. I'm not sure how to get the timing right, though. The last couple times I knew it was going to end, but sort stayed with it as long as she was willing. Why not; I go long enogh between relationships that being in one makes a nice change so I try to enjoy it while it lasts. :)

whoosh, this starting a thread and having to reply to every one gets to be work; especially for some one who doesn't post an awful lot as a general rule. :wow:

[Piltdown13]

32. Yeah, that timing thing is difficult

Actually, lots of times the mutual breakup ends up being something along the lines of one person beginning the breakup conversation, only to have their SO say, "Yeah, I've been thinking the same thing."

I understand the impulse to stay in a struggling relationship as long as the other person is willing; it's what I did with my first college boyfriend -- within a couple months I knew it wasn't really going anywhere, but it was fun to hang out with him, etc., etc. Eventually, though, I decided that if I was going to do that, it had to be mutual, to make sure I didn't end up leading someone on. Plus I realized that staying in a relationship that isn't working just prolongs the inevitable, and delays finding the next one! Of course, I *did* have to learn the hard way about clinging to a dying relationship until the bitter end. :-)

BTW, you don't really *have* to reply to every response your thread gets. Not that I don't appreciate it, though -- I'm not so much a thread killer as someone whose posts are routinely not responded to. But then, I can't be surprised that no one "knows" me -- I must have a record low number of posts for someone who's been here since 2002! :hi:

[Kenneth ken]

33. I think all my previous threads

have died after 1-6 responses. Since this one is a going concern, I'll keep feeding it and stoking my ego. :D

besides now I'm committed, and wouldn't want to offend anyone.

I don't often get posts responded to either, I figure it's that I make such good, thorough comments that there's really nothing left for some one to add! :P

Maybe you don't get replies because people think you're a hoax? j/k