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Deja Q Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:12 AM
Original message
Being unapproachable...
People I consider to be friends that I seem, initially, unapproachable and frightened around strangers.

I refuse to tell you my life's history though I've been foolishly bold in the past and mentioned a highlight or two.

Is it possible to reverse this handicap, or should I do what other co-workers tell me to do and get a cat and not even try to develop a social life because all I can do is scare people away? (I'm allergic to cats, so that particular comment ends up being stinging.)
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RC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:23 AM
Response to Original message
1. Pets are no substitutes for people.
Work on the people thing. I have known more than a few people that use their pets as children and even as preferred companionship. That is not healthy.
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Mikimouse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:42 AM
Response to Reply #1
5. Meow???????
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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:31 AM
Response to Original message
2. I'm going to be blunt here...
And say that if you take a chance, you have nothing to lose. The worst people can do is laugh at you. But there are people out there who understand what you're going through. And there are others that won't judge you no matter what. If you're kind and have strong character, that's all you need. Be a little bold and meet people. Explain to them how terribly shy you are and how you don't like to talk about yourself, and if they're good people and future good friends, they'll help you with this. If you're allergic to cats, get a dog. Then take him to the park. Dogs are a great way to meet people. Just make sure he's a curious little thing and when you walk him, he'll be helping you out in no time. Try it out.
This isn't a unique problem. And if you're getting horribly anxious, you might talk to your doctor about a mild antidepressant that will help with that.
You're a good guy. I'm sure everything will be great in no time. :hug:
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NMDemDist2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:37 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. dogs are good ways to meet people
get a cute little one

ok story from my 12 step groups

Newcomer (less than a year in recovery) "I think I'm ready for a relationship"

Sponser- "I dunno, think you may still have some 'control issues' to deal with. Why don't you get a cat first and see how it goes"

30 days go by

Sponser "How's it going with the cat?"

Newbie "No problems, I neutered it, declawed it and never let it out of the house."

Sponser "Well, no control issues there" ROFL
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Deja Q Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 11:03 AM
Response to Reply #2
6. People have always laughed at me when not doing worse things...
My anxiety is not based out of lopsided brain chemicals but out of a lopsided environment I'd grown up with for decades.

I wish it was a chemical imbalance, in which case those medications might have worked. But I'd been given loads of drugs in the past. And as a result, I had temporary side effects that nobody listened to me(1) unless I spent hours convincing them that "Yo, I shoudln't be pulling out my hair" (or whatever else), and indeed I developed a permanent side-effect which is only beginning to take its toll on me. (In other words, life as I know it is going to change rather soon and rather sternly, I fear.)

Those who were cruel probably were right in the end.

I'm also allergic to dogs. :-( Nobody's perfect.

Thanks for the 'good guy' compliment. Time reveals everything and, with luck, I'll find a way out of my own shell. I'm not going to give up just yet. :-)

(1) The mental health 'doctors' always assume that because you're the patient needing the drug, you're incapable of being rational or seeing something not working quite right. I've seen this pattern with every single 'doctor' I'd seen. As a result I refuse to waste an attosecond of time with them any longer. Even my counselor(2), albeit politely, told me off after 3 years. :cry: That hurt. Another, who never kept proper notes and never listened to me because every month he'd ask if I was still on x drug (I told him the prior month, as always, that x drug did not work and he took me off of it or that I stopped taking it and had told him), misinterpreted what I had said and then yelled at me... I was a fool for not going to his superiors, but that quack really ought to be expelled from the industry... If I can find my notes, I might send them a letter... Lord knows what he put into my medical file, but I'd question the accuracy of it. Our medical industry at work. :spit: How they can charge as much as they do and get away with it is beyond me...

(2) Counselors are prostitutes, minus the sex. You pay to get some attention and the result is less than satisfying. They usually try to hook you to come back for future sessions too.
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NMDemDist2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 11:11 AM
Response to Reply #6
8. allergy meds are easier on you than
"brain" drugs.

Many studies show that animals soothe nerves and combat depression etc etc

Clariton or benedryl may be worth it, and certainly better for you than Paxil or Prozac.

but before you get a pet, perhaps volunteer at a shelter, or sign up to "host" a pet prior to it's adoption. that way you don't take on a commitment before you see if your ready for one.
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loftycity Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 12:32 PM
Response to Reply #6
10. I reading this and I think it's society that has you down and out
It's not just you. No way. You are a great person. We all know that because we read your posts. You would have to be insane if you thought the way we are all living to be happy, happy.
Society is totally out of control and loves the robotic people. You feel and react to circumstances. That's OK. And your crap experience with the mental health folks. thats par for the course. They are 90% awful. FWW.
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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 04:12 PM
Response to Reply #6
11. You're not going to the right doctors then..
Good doctors will ask if there's any problems with the drugs you're taking. Not everyone can take the every drug, and some doctors get insentives from drug companies to prescribe certain ones. It's sick, but it's true.
If I were you, I'd request your medical records from that doctor. No doctor should do that to a patient. You're not his child, his dog or his mother. You need to be treated with respect. Sadly, a lot of doctors are there only because of the money. They couldn't give a shit about their patients. And the ones that do care are usually run out of town, because they make the others look bad.
I don't know where you live, but it sounds like the doctors have some serious ethical issues. It's sad. If you ever need an ear, PM me. I'm always around. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know with a keyboard. :hug:
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stellanoir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 10:34 AM
Response to Original message
3. hypno. . .
how can you seem frightened at first and then scare people away. . .?

It may just be a matter of intensity. A lot of folks just want to float along the surface.

I've been called intense for ever, but I just figure it weeds out the light weights. The people I really connect with deeply are few and far between but no matter how much time passes with no contact, when we reconnect it's as though we haven't missed a beat.

Maybe just have a leap of faith that friends come in waves. Sometimes it's just easier to make decent connections than others. Then there are the droughts when it's more appropriate for introspection.

It will change.
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Deja Q Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 11:07 AM
Response to Reply #3
7. Oops...
Bad choice of words. I have a habit of inadvertantly intimidating people. That scares them away.

I did make a friend at work and now that her position has ended (it was a temp position) we'll still go out for drinks and such. (I'm still puzzled that nobody came to me with a concern about a (mis)perception that I might have been trying to be 'more than friends' with her (they went to management, who in turn told her), but that's just part of the human condition. Had I been a female, nobody would have thought of anything, go figure...)
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m-jean03 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 11:37 AM
Response to Original message
9. Hypnotoad... maybe an unusual suggestion but...
Have you tried cutting out sugar and stimulants, tropical fruits and refined flour for a while?

Try eating healthy, whole, local foods -- and you may see your energy increase, and your state of mind become more balanced. In my experience, a lot of shyness is just not having the right kind of energy to reach out to people. Excessive shyness and introversion is indeed a deficiency of sorts, as you say a handicap.

Anyway -- macrobiotic writers have a lot to say on this topic. Try reading Food and Healing by Annemarie Colbin. It's life-changing stuff, if you're willing to give it a chance. PM me if you want more detail.

I used to have similar difficulty as you, the shyness and the intensity. It's unbelievable what diet can do for your state of mind as well as body. You also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, don't you? Me too. We sound alike in many ways.

Good luck comrade --- mj :-) :-) :-)

P.S. Did you ever take that picture of "Now serving Camel" sign?
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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-24-04 04:30 PM
Response to Original message
12. well
Personally I think people suck. (Just kidding) but I do prefer animals, cats or dogs, to any human being. We don't all fit the society's definition of what people should be like. I am extremely shy- I can fake it at work and in some social settings but mostly I want to be alone. Because I am shy, people think I am rude or standoffish or something. I just stopped caring what people think. I am not a "relationship" person. And I don't think I need a shrink or drugs or anything else. And probably neither do you.
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