I don't know what to do anymore...A Whiney Sob Story looking for advice

[YOY]

This isn't a political rant. Granted the situation would be a hell of a lot better had the economy been better.

Around February I lost my last decent paying job. It was truly a poor fit, but the employer did not make much effort to train me for the position or to at least help me in adjusting to it. I can honestly say I don't miss it, because it wasn't for me. It was the first time I have ever been fired from anyplace.

Since then, my wife and I have been without health insurance (affordable and decent health insurance) and have been living from crap-job paycheck-to-paycheck. We are both well educated people. I am an young MBA (with an obvious left-wing streak) and she was a lawyer in her home country. I speak several languages and she has picked up English over the past 2 years (we met in the Peace Corps in her country.) I have found a job that pays me peanuts (granted it is with some decent fellows) and even took on a second job, but her hours have been cut by her fascist boss. I keep looking, but there seems to be little out there other than 100% commission sales jobs and retail. I'm not giving up...not yet, but the situation has become dire...

Now with the Holidays here, we can barely afford rent. We can't afford presents. The stress is killing us as did a pregnancy scare. It has caused us to become bitter and we fight often...I fear for my marriage and that I may lose the most wonderful person I know. I usually post on DU to relieve stress and to bounce ideas off of like-minded people. Now it is an escape measure.

Next time someone tells you how "wonderful" this country is remind them that we are all performing the high-wire without a net. Katrina victims showed us that. It's not difficult to go from something to almost nothing and from almost nothing to absolutely nothing.

If anyone has ideas, please let me know. I really don't know what to do anymore.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. It can be hard

I've been there, done that-was out of work for a year. My husband was fired from a job and lost his health insurance, and he has several major health issues. I still don't have health insurance, but I do have a job that is steady and regular. No, I don't have the stuff and the income I had 20 years ago, but I'm at peace with it.

I've found that two things have helped me through-trust that things will work out "in a good way" as the Native Americans say, and an appreciation for those around us. My husband and I don't have much, but we have each other, and that's all that matters. Know what gift my husband gave me recently? A wildflower he picked in the woods. That meant more to me than any thing he could have bought. I look on him when we lead the Dances of Universal Peace, and I am so grateful that I have him by my side, and I savor every minute I have with him. I am very appreciative of the folks that have given him day labor jobs, and have turned into friends-no, he's not making the money he did before, but he's happy. I am very very grateful for our doctor who cured my husband of a deadly disease and who has not dunned us for money but has let us work it out and pay when we can.

I hope this gives you some comfort-you will make it through. Bless you and keep you-and if you believe in a Supreme Being, God bless you and keep you.

[AndyTiedye]

9. If you don't believe in a supreme being, be your own higher power.

[grasswire]

2. about the only good news....

....is that you are not alone, my friend. There is some solace, perhaps, in the community of others. You are young, and that's a blessing. You are educated, and that sets you ahead of millions of those others because you have some choices left.

I see from your profile that you live in D.C., which is certainly an expensive place to live. Maybe it's time to go more rural. In some parts of the country, rent for a nice home is still under $500.

A move to another area could be financed if you took a student loan and got another year of schooling.

Maybe your wife's degree could be put to use for a non-profit organization that works to lift people out of poverty.

Time to think big, and dream some dreams. Those who have youth and education can make a huge difference in this old world. And in helping others, we find great reward.

[YOY]

6. Thanks for the nice words Grasswire but

For what I do DC is the place to be. My background is International Development. I can do International Business Management, but unless you're large corporate and well connected (I am not) you really should stick to what you know.

FYI, I already came in from the rural (first Arizona and then Ohio). There isn't squal worth of jobs in the rural. Nobody would hire me there either. We may end up moving back to Ohio with my folks. I have a feeling my wife would leave me if that happened...

We have 70K worth of student loans as is. We cannot afford any more. We do not want to give Citibank (aka the House of Saud) anymore money! ;)

Also the problem with being young (31) is that this is the only time we can really have kids (our own at least.) We'd like to have a couple before time runs out...and it is indeed running out.

We're dreaming alright, but they are just dreams. Things have got to turn around soon.

[AndyTiedye]

10. What About Her Home Country?

[YOY]

12. Bulgaria???

You gotta be kidding man! Seriously, I'd have to have some high-powered connections there to get into anywhere that we could live off of (and pay my loans.)

[Binka]

13. Time Is Not Running Out I Had Three Before 28 & Peyton At 42

Trust me it is much better when you are older. Do not let the biological clock freak you out. Plus side they keep you young when you have them later!! She is four now and I love her to BITS!

[YOY]

16. She's a cutie Binka! My wife is the one who needs convincing though!

Speaking of your kids. The last I heard, your son is doing better. How is he?

[Binka]

18. Ben Is WALKING On His Own!! He Is Kinda Wobbly!

Thanks for asking. Tell your wife to PM me if she wants to talk the children thing. I've got FOUR! And there is a 20 year gap between Benjamin and Peyton Rose. Here is my darling baby girl....who says 42 is too old to make a beautiful baby?

[YOY]

21. Good to hear about Ben!

Can do about the PMing, but we had a bit of a row last night. If it comes up I'll pass the word!

Payton does indeed look like you I have to say! (Save the blue eyes of course!)

[Tsiyu]

19. What a precious picture, Binka

Hope Ben is recovering and glad he will maybe be home fro Christmas this year?

I agree with what you've said. I had my kids earlier - the last one at 35 - but that youngest one keeps me going with his youthful optimism.

[bluedonkey]

3. The first thing I would do

is stop fighting each other.You are in this together!
The second thing I would do is stop blaming your troubles on others.Nothing is gained by this and it only makes you feel bad and leaves you with a negative attitude.It shows in body language!

Have you tried teaching one of the languages you speak?

Cancel Christmas this year and look forward to next year when things are better.

[YOY]

7. We already have cancelled Christmas

Agreed about fighting

I already teach ESL. I have a feeling that I do not have the ability to teach any of my languages. I have no desire to be a teacher anyways...unless I must. No disrespect intended.

[acmavm]

4. I was going to say welcome to bush** world, but that would be

unnecessarily mean and pointless. I totally understand that it's impossible to take comfort in the fact that you're not even close to being alone in this leaky boat called the American economy. My son and I are always a heartbeat away from being homeless even though I work and have worked for decades. I may not have my MBA (only a degree with honors as a Paralegal, and secretarial school, and 30 years experience in the workforce) but I think that we are ALL entitled to have work.

I had a stroke last January 2nd. Have no health insurance, had none then. Am seriously in debt. There are many many many people here that have similar tales to tell. There's only ONE recourse open to all of us. One. That's get these republican rat bastards out of Washington, out of state government, and send them back into the 'state' of shame and disgrace that they were exiled to after the resignation of Richard Nixon. They waited until we took our eye off the ball and gradually climbed back into power.

They have no intent to go peacefully. They can't afford to. Look at them, they're all criminals and traitors. Schemers and scammers of the first degree. We are all screwed as long as they're running things.

[mcscajun]

5. Check Out "JobsThatAreLeft.com"

There's both a website and a Yahoo group on this (the latter is a mailing list of available positions in the DC area and elsewhere.)

http://www.jobsthatareleft.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/jobsthatareleft/

Good luck!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. You may need to leave the country again

That's my practical long-term advice. It bears thinking about.

In the short term, explain to your relatives and friends that you're not doing Christmas gifts this year, because you have no money. It's embarrassing, but you'll probably learn just how many other people are in the same boat. Then concentrate on the non-material aspects of the holiday, namely, religious services, if that's your thing, or seasonal music, or volunteering for people who are even worse off than yourselves.

[YOY]

11. Yes, we may indeed have to leave again

The option has come up but I cannot do it blindly...we do not have the money for it. Until my wife country becomes EU it may not be a good idea. The economy there isn't too peachy keen as well.

Oh, you better believe that we told everyone we're "skipping Christmas." It was incredibly depressing to go to Target to pick up some necessities and to see all the folks with money buying sh*t like there was no tomorrow.

[Tsiyu]

25. We haven't canceled the holidays but we're doing a scaled down version

Last year we got a beautiful Frasier Fir for $5 bucks a few days before Christmas at the Big Box Home Improvement store. I'm waiting for one of those deals again.

I'll bake some cookies for gifts and make a few donations and have a decent meal ( courtesy of the turkey and ham my boss gives out for a "bonus") and carry on.

I agree, it's depressing to see all the shoppers. I had to *HORRORS* shop at two WalMarts yesterday. We have no Target or Costco for 100 miles and I live in a very rural area. There were a few things I can only find there unless I want to use up a tank of gas. Believe me, I had to grit my teeth just to enter the store.

But I somehow felt at peace buying the household items while others scrambled over cheap Chinese-made toys and electronics. Been there. Done that. That cheap crap lasts a very short time.

I will be laid off for a month starting Wednesday, so I am wondering how we will eat for 30 days, but we'll get by. This is what we do:

Cultivate friends so you can have some meals together. Join some clubs or progressive groups. Lots of jobs can be found networking with others. Get OUT OF THE HOUSE and go meet people. And lastly, think about those folks along our Gulf who have lost everything. Imagine our soldiers in Iraq who are suffering. WE are all in this boat together. You are not alone. Your attitude is everything at a time like this. Focus on what you CAN DO and don't let what you CAN'T do interfere!

[stillcool]

14. my solution is to live..

in the present. I cannot look to my future without freaking out, but if I consider how I am right now,.. I want for nothing. Understanding where you are from the inside out, and realizing that you could not be anywhere else, is comforting. Also, I look back at difficulties in the past, and that reaffirms the fact of my life..that the only thing constant is change. Hang on and be kind to yourself.

[TahitiNut]

15. Does she come from a culture with a "macho male" mythology?

I'm talking about a male-oriented society like Japan or many Middle-eastern countries.

I've found (from personal experience) that even 'liberated' (and liberal) women who're brought up in such cultures have an almost visceral, unspoken presumption that men are supposed to be 'better' at being 'providers' than women. It's a kind of hard-wired sexism - a kind of mythical compensation. Paternalistic cultures actually brainwash the women -- creating irrational expectations that match the 'superiority' myth. In such cultures, the 'reality' is achieved by victimizing the women on the job to save men's jobs. When they come to a culture that's less paternalistic, the lesser 'sacrificial' practices are interpreted in support of the built-in prejudices.

It's a VERY tough nut to crack. I've actually known single women recently in the US from such cultures who had a propensity toward abusive males - they were closer to that 'myth' than the ordinary US shlub. They carry the contamination of such cultures - acting dysfunctionally in this one.

[YOY]

17. The Balkans Actually

Bulgaria. They have a Mediterranean take on the male/female relationship. Then again, being an Italian American, we are not too separate in that aspect.

I never pretend to be more or less superior to her. I jokingly call her "the boss" because nothing is OK until it has her final approval. But that aspect may very well be there. She is from an uneducated (not ignorant, but uneducated) family and is really the first one to not only go to college but to grad school (equivalent) as well. Her father is a bit of the macho type

[TahitiNut]

24. Sounds to me like you're in a multicultural stereotype trap.

These are VERY difficult to deal with openly, even in the best of relationships. They're 'hard-wired' from childhood. They're often contrary to attitudes adopted later in life and create a visceral response that she herself has difficulty with. These attitudes come to the surface during stressful times - which is why you're seeing it. My best suggestion is to get the help of a female marriage/relationship counselor that's familiar with the issues of male/female stereotyping in multicultural marriages. One point deserves emphasis: Never assume it's HER 'problem' - the dynamics are complex and both parties participate in them. (A message board can't do it.)

[YOY]

27. I've taken advanced studies in cross cultural communication

Yes, they are complex. However, I speak her language. I have lived in her country. I talk to her mom on the phone. We're not apples and oranges...maybe tangerines and oranges but we're definitely both citrus fruit!!!

[julialnyc]

20. As little as this sounds,don't worry it will get better

I feel like I just got out of a situation similar to yours. I just got married in July and moved to a place where I wasn't employed. My husband and I fought like crazy. He was employed and I felt like garbage having to ask for money and he got overwhelmed with the responsibility of being the sole supporter. I couldn't find a job and finally decided to sell anything I thought someone would buy on ebay. That actually worked better than I had thought and it lifted me out of my funk and I decided to just look into businesses that I liked the sounds of (none of them had wanted ads) and walked in with my resume and big a smile and just told them that I loved their company and that if anything ever come up I'd hope they'd keep me in mind. One week later I got a job from one of those places (better paying than anything I've ever had).


It will turn around for you (you obviously have very attractive attributes as an employee that many people don't have), sometimes you just need to think of creative ways to get there.

[YOY]

23. At the risk of sounding sexist

It is a bit different for men. Even if you are an modern liberated couple, there is still stress on the man for being the money provider. It really comes from outside of the two of us, but it really is unpleasant. I find the people making the most clamor about it are the dip-shot red voters from back home in Ohio. The funny thing is the loudest back home is a friend who WORKS FOR HIS FREAKING FATHER!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Glad to hear about your success. It sounds like one of the "optimism pays off" type of things! For us pessimists we have to go by the words of Churchill "If you're going through hell...keep going."

[HamdenRice]

22. Here's a totally left field suggestion that might work ...

Lately I've been thinking about this a lot in terms of my future -- a mid life course correction, in my case, but in your case thinking about a different road.

What about starting a progressive type business? You have an MBA -- put it to work! And your partner is a lawyer! Even if she can't practice here, she still has the skills, insight and knowledge of law in general. What a team you would make together!

The reason I have been thinking about this a lot is because of my favorite pub -- in Brooklyn, called Moes (yes, after the bar in the Simpson's). It is co-owned by a young African American woman about 25-30, and it has become one of the hottest (but down to earth, friendly type) bar in an up and coming neighborhood.

I've been going there from time to time after work for years. About a month ago, I was there and I asked the owner how she ended up opening a bar.

You'll never guess the answer!

She had been laid off from an office job in the media area. She had a friend who was an unemployed actress. And these two women felt they needed a little income to support free lance writing and acting. It was kind of a lark. It turns out to be a great place, incredibly lucrative. By now, it runs itself, and she comes in to check on things a few times a week. She basically supports a couple of artist, writers and other creative people as bar tenders, and a Mexican immigrant as a bar back.

During the 2004 election, she hosted fundraisers for Kerry and has lots of anti bush posters in the place.

It occurs to me that a lot of us who get credentials in the professions think that we have to work for someone else, that business is somehow exploitative and undignified -- but it isn't, if you do something positive and are not exploitative to your employees.

I'm not saying open a bar -- that's risky and takes a certain expertise. But what about consulting? Have you checked out this web site?

http://www.developmentex.com/oppsummary.jsp?action=search

Literally hundreds of international development consulting gigs -- but basically you have to be willing to go into a free lance business on your own.

[YOY]

26. DevEx?

It's like a old board game that I take out and use occasionally. I know it well! Most positions are looking for someone with significantly more or less experience than I. Hit or miss really.

[ultraist]

28. MBA and JD?

You'll get through it. Everyone goes through tough spots. You are both privileged to be so well educated and have a lot of opportunities available to you both. Set some goals and work towards them together. Nothing like some difficult times and team work to bring a couple together. Best of luck.