Dubya's UN address, decoded!

[Jerky_LeBoeuf]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Secretariat, Dame Edna, Curly Fries, and my fellow Preznits of the world: Welcome to the United Nations! I trust you all received a beverage.

Two years and twenty-four months ago, New York City became a gravefield and a battleyard. You might have seen something about it on the news. Since that day, Terrists have struck Bali, Mamba Samba, Mocca Latté, Naskarta, and the Holy Land of Zion. It is lamentable that the Evil-Doers should be waging their misguided Holy War in the land where the Final Conflict between the Antichrist and the Messiah is soon scheduled to transpire. But, according to divine scriptural prophecy, it is also unavoidable.

"Hold on Mister Preznit!" I can hear y'all thinking to yourselves in those whiny, high-pitched brain-voices of yours. "This is supposed to be a speech about Iraq! And you, yourself, recently admitted that Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the Terrist attacks of 9-11! How can you stand there and begin your speech about Iraq with a reference to 9-11?!" To those of you who are thinking that right now, all I have to say is who cares what you think?

Need I remind you that you, yourselves, were brutally attacked by the Terrists? If twenty-five dead employees and the sight of your spiffy Baghdad headquarters reduced to rubble wasn't enough to clue you in to the fact that you're messing with some nasty characters, then what will be?

Just to be clear on this, by "nasty characters," I meant the Terrists, not America. We didn't blow up no buildings. Well, no UN buildings, anyway… did we? Condi? Did we blow up any UN buildings in Iraq? No? Okay, that's a definite no on that one. My final answer is no.

I'm sorry, what was I talkin' about again? Oh yeah! United Nations! Hold on, let me find my place on the teleprompter here, and…

As I look out upon you leaders gathered here today, I find myself smiling at the sight of Preznit Hammer Karate of Pipeline-istan. Hammer now represents a free people who are building a reasonably decent and just society, given their natural limitations. And who's that in the chair behind the plaque that says "Iraq"? Why, it's none other than Ahmad Chalabi, a genuine, natural-born Iraqi!

Come on people, admit it. These two unelected leaders, unilaterally installed by the mighty American military machine, speak volumes about my own personal commitment to exporting our special brand of democracy to freedom-loving, oil-rich nations around the globe. It's kind of like the NutraSweet version of democracy. Hardly no calories! New and improved!

The bottom line is, nobody misses Saddam Hussein except the Iraqi statue-builders union. We took the torture chambers and prison cells where Iraqis disloyal to Saddam's regime were once held captive, and turned them into interrogation rooms and prison cells where Iraqis still loyal to Saddam's regime are currently being held captive. A vast improvement!

Besides, we only went into Iraq to do what you UN'ers were too chicken to do for yourselves. Remember all those mass graves on the TV? Never mind that most of them contained the bodies of people who either a) fell victim to weapons Saddam bought from my daddy, or b) died after we pulled a "let's you and him fight" trick on the Kurds back in Gulf War One. It wasn't an American resolution we were enforcing, after all. We went into Iraq against the United Nations' wishes to enforce a United Nations resolution. You're welcome, by the way!

Just consider all the good we've accomplished. Thanks to our pre-emptive attack, Saddam will never again be allowed to consider thinking about maybe consulting with Iraqi scientists to start drawing up preliminary plans for a program to create weapons of mass destruction. And after only six short months, the long-suffering people of Iraq are already starting to catch tantalizing glimpses of the electricity and clean drinking water that will soon be theirs… if y'all would only open your hearts and wallets. Progress and democracy don't pay for themselves, you know! Here in America, we're a generous people. But we're also three years into this Clinton Recession, see, and we're really starting to feel the pinch from all those massive tax-cuts I recently passed, and will continue to pass until they drag me, kicking and screaming, from the Oval Office.

I realize it might not always seem like things are going smoothly in Iraq, but when have they ever? On the bright side, I think you'll start getting a more accurate view of what's going on there just as soon as we've expelled the Arab media. Those guys are assholes.

Okay, I can see I'm not winning you over. How about if we remind you of the $15 billion we recently pledged to fight AIDS? And don't forget the $1.4 billion in global emergency food aid we provided last year! Your starving citizens might not think much of our foreign policy, but they sure do enjoy our soybeans! It'd be a shame if we had to stop those shipments. Makes me sick just to think about it, all those skinny people sitting in puddles of their own making, wondering which was gonna kill them first: starvation, or the bug God gave 'em for being dirty fornicators. Yep. It sure would be a shame.

And speaking of sinful fornicators, I would now like to inexplicably send this speech veering wildly towards the topic of sex with teenage girls.

Parson Ashcroft has advised me that there exists a thriving "sex tourism" trade in parts of the world today, and I, for one, was not surprised to hear it. Why, it's getting so's a man can't even close his own eyes anymore without being bombarded with images of tiny Micronesian contortionists offering to impale their virgin bodies upon my hot and throbbing manstaff! And that is why I hereby resolve to use all the powers currently at my disposal - and a few more we got in the works - to put an end to the visions in my head.

Whether we're talking about Muslimite Terrists or ugly middle-aged men who can't get a date in their own country, the nations of the world must recognize that the only way to effectively deal with the threat posed by these monsters is to stop them before they get to do their dirty deeds. In furtherance of this noble goal, I have instructed DARPA to assemble an elite Global Psychic Security Squad (GPSS) to police all our minds from secret remote locations deep beneath the Earth's crust. I can already hear my bleeding-heart liberal crybaby critics getting ready to scream bloody murder about their precious "rights," but you know what? If they refrain from thinking about anything illegal or unchristian, they won't have anything to worry about!

In closing, I would just like to say may God rain his blessings down upon you in a shocking and awesome display of his mighty, burning love.

Watch Fox News! It's fair and balanced!

Peace out!
GWB