I know it Spring in the south because there are Christians at my door

[unsavedtrash]

early Saturday mornings wanting to witness to me. I swear I am just going to start opening the door in the buff. I am tired of jumping up, dressing, all the while thinking something is wrong with one of our elderly parents, and finding these people just wanting to spread "the good news." Any suggestions on how to make them stop?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. Ask them if they want to come in and fuck

[unsavedtrash]

2. thanks. You make me happy

[Ladyhawk]

61. I haven't met you...I am also an unsaved piece of trash.

Welcome to DU! :D

[izzybeans]

3. .

:applause: :rofl:

[TahitiNut]

12. ... and sacrifice a goat.

:evilgrin: :rofl: :loveya: :yourock: (etc.)

[oneighty]

57. Because of you Surfer Girl

I may become a Christian-a- knocking on your door.

Sigh

180

[DemBeans]

well...

Try making a small "No Proselytization" sign for your front door. Of course, that probably won't stop their urgent need to witness, but it might chase a few away.

Or you could just buy a large, vicious dog. I hate having people intrude on my personal time with their crap.

[atommom]

4. How about a big sign reading "No Religious Solicitors"

Or something nice from evolvefish.com?

[lectrobyte]

14. evolvefish -- love that site. this one might work:

[atommom]

33. That's it! I was looking for that one, but got dragged away from

the computer in the middle of my search. I still like the pagan bumperstickers too.

[Corgigal]

67. I have this one

So far so good. I live in the SC bible belt area.

[emanymton]

5. Tell Them You Are A Minister In The Church Of The Perpetual Erection.

[Joey Liberal]

6. Me too!

Just had two visit my front door! I told them that I'm a Buddhist, and that freaked them out.

[TNDemo]

7. Somebody here recently said to answer the door in a

black robe and tell them you are in a hurry because the sacrifice is squirming too much. I thought that was pretty funny.

[FreedomAngel82]

43. LOL

My brother said to tell them I have an Ozzy Osbourne poster on my wall (I do) and if they want to come see it.

[izzie]

8. I once had them walk right into my home when I lived in the South

I never met any people so rude in all my life. They walked right by me and went in a sat on my sofa and pulled out a Bible. It was like trying to get ride of pin worms in kids to get them to leave.Well pin worms and Bible thumper were my cross to bare when I lived in So. Car

[cornermouse]

18. Next time call the police on them.

[Warpy]

31. That happened to my parents when I was a kid

and we'd just moved to NC. We were eating supper out on the back porch when we heard a noise inside. My dad got up to investigate, and I followed because I wanted to see the show (I was ten). Two old biddies with a bible were wandering through the house. When they saw my dad, they said "Why you Jews live just like white people do!"

At that point I knew I was not going to have a good time living in the south.

He corrected them by saying we were Catholics, but that only made it worse.

[FreedomAngel82]

45. That's disgusting

What they said. These people have no soul's or no shame.

[FreedomAngel82]

44. How rude

Ugh. How rude. My mother said she'd like to show them her Bible and have them read it and go away. I think people like that are rude. If you're just going around inviting someone that's okay with me. My church has done that before. They have people go around and place little pamphlets on the side of the mailbox since you can always just throw it away.

[stellanoir]

9. tell him you generally

do not discuss the Bible with anyone who is not fluent in Hebrew and Aramaic because you find all the other translations to be lacking, somewhat lame, and no where near as funny.

[Kerrytravelers]

54. he he he

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:



christian fundamentalist fruitcake door knockers are just with no for anyone. :eyes: :puke:




Tell them talking to you will turn them into the devil, too.


We're all such little devils!

[lectrobyte]

10. I don't know, but I used to have the magic thing to say to make

Jehovah's Witnesses have to purify themselves after talking to you. The bap-tists are a different story -- a week or so back, about six or eight got of their church van, and stormed the entire neighborhood. I was busy mowing the yard, but they walked up and stood on the porch and wouldn't leave until I'd stopped what I was doing and gotten invited to church.

[FreedomAngel82]

46. If that happened here

I'd tell them to get off private property before I call the police.

[oxbow]

11. Invite them in if you have the patience

witness to them about liberal values. Turnabout is fair play, and you have a captive audience! I persnally like talking God with Mormons. The facts are so in my favor its like a bear and a cabbage goin at each other.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

13. IT's the south. Shoot the bastards and claim you felt threatened

by the tresspassers

[wtmusic]

25. yeah but then she'd have to suffer hellfire and damnation

for the rest of eternity :P :hi:

[MurrayDelph]

15. They "want to share the good news"

Ask them, if after over 2000 years of people talking and writing
about this demi-god, they have been clever enough to come up with
something "new." Not just "new to them" but actually, demonstrably,
new that no one else has ever been told. Until then, they are just
repeating old gossip.

Many years ago, the people next door at the condo complex I was in
tried to sound me out. I told them about where many of their stories
and traditions got co-opted from, and they decided that I wasn't
"saveable." Worked for me.

(edited to add second paragraph)

[jmm]

16. I want one of these

Thankfully it's difficult for them to get into my building. I use to have a bad problem with Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons coming to my door. It got so bad at one point I started to think someone reported to them I need to be saved.

[undeterred]

17. it must be spring in the north too because there were JWs at my door

this morning. I took a peek and saw two women. I thought Jehovah's Witnesses, but then I had a nagging fear- what if its for something political or some good cause? Took a second peek and saw the bibles.

I don't answer the door if I'm sure its someone proselytizing, but I respect their right to do it. :shrug:

[unsavedtrash]

21. maybe if they started after lunch I wouldn't dislike them so much but

waking me banging on the door is not a good way to get on my friendly side. I think I will order one of those stickers from evolve-fish. But for now I have made the No Proselytizing sign on my front door. Thank you all for the suggestions. Ya'll have helped my mood a lot.
:yourock:

[undeterred]

28. we disconnected the doorbell years ago

because generally I know when someone is coming over; close friends come to the side door. I hate to make a policy of not answering the door for people I don't expect, because I've actually met a lot of local political people by answering the door, including my state representative and alderperson!

The JWs typically come on Saturday mornings between 10-12 am, knock twice, and leave without leaving literature. To me thats about the least disruptive time to come and if I were asleep I wouldn't even hear them.

But I reserve the right not to answer the door to uninvited people! I'm sure some people felt that way when I was canvassing before the election. Some are interested in talking, but many are not.

[FreedomAngel82]

47. Yep

And if we don't want them around we have the right to tell them to fuck off.

[blm]

19. Ask why so many of their leaders aligned with RevMoon the last 30+yrs.

Ask if they have computers and then tell them that the Christian fundamentalist movement was funded for political gains by Moon and the Bushes and that Moon funded Tim LaHaye and Jerry Falwell to help them become more influential.

Tell them to google Sun Myung Moon, Bush, LaHaye and Falwell and do their own research.

[Joey Liberal]

20. Tell them you voted for Kerry

They'll leave in disgust:).........

[unsavedtrash]

22. my Kerry sign is still in the yard :)

[The Doctor.]

23. I usually invite them in and talk to them for a while...

They Never return.

:evilgrin:

[FtWayneBlue]

24. I used to be a JW. For them in particular,

Ask them to put a note in their territory card that you would like to never be called on again. I am classified as an apostate, if you say you are one of them they won't bother you either. Apostates are former members who preach against them. I actually don't do that, I think they are good people, just misinformed and misguided. I believe the bible was written by men to give themselves justification to keep power, land, etc. Any god that I would want anything to do with could not be as bloodthirsty as jehovah.

[Gormy Cuss]

38. Didn't work for me

I lived a few blocks from a Kingdom Hall and they showed up like clockwork every few months. I think the godless heathen/students/Catholics in my neighborhood were viewed as a training ground.
I was always polite but firm and told them not to come back but they always did. I agree, they seemed to be good people just trying to find their way spiritually. I don't pick on decent people.

The proselytizers who are too pushy, on the other hand, get as much respect as they deserve.

[DemBones DemBones]

53. Ah, good, tell me this (I never dared ask JWs in the family) --

do they mark down Catholics as apostates?

[JNelson6563]

76. No, only former JW's

But they are rather fearful of Catholic "stuff". Like crucifixes, statues of Mary, that sort of thing. They are highly superstitious. Believe whole-heartedly such things are possessed by evil. They will work an atheist more than a Catholic. They've got a little book teaching various sales techniques.

It's actually a publishing company that the vulnerable are recruited into. Oh and JW elder child sex abuse scams are as rampant as pedophile priests, FYI. Some nasty shit in that organization.

Julie

[cornermouse]

26. Two little words forcefully delivered,

"GET OUT!" swiftly followed by slamming the door in their faces. It releases some of the tension.

[Lars39]

27. The Southern Baptists are doing the '40 Days of Purpose'

brainwashing, so I expect a lot of visits soon.

[ScreamingMeemie]

51. ACCK! My next door neighbor is doing the "40 Days" thing...all the

while the local public school is attempting to expel her son.

[Lars39]

63. Gotta keep those priorities straight!

It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm always taken unaware by the sudden 'I'm going to convert you" mini-sermon from the folks I least suspect. :hide:

[ScreamingMeemie]

72. I hear you there. I cannot have a conversation with this woman at this

time. I used to work for her, and am glad I am not right now. Every conversation becomes a "witnessing" event. Sigh. :hi:

[Solly Mack]

29. Not just the south either. They're out in force in Germany as well

I live on an army post in Germany and even with strict rules about solicitation, I have to fend them off daily.

They aren't allowed to go anywhere uninvited. Meaning some person had to invite them and take responsibility for their actions while on government property.

Once on post, they will often times sneak around in an attempt to "convert" ....

When I catch them, I always turn them in to the Provost Marshal. I have absolutely NO guilt about doing so either. They are then thrown off post, and depending on number of warnings, permanently barred from entering post again.

[Warpy]

30. Fling the door open

and shriek "THIS PLACE BETTER BE ON FIRE!!!!!!"

I worked nights for 18 years and the jerks used to wake me up just when I'd gotten into deep sleep.

They don't do it any more. In fact, I haven't seen them for years.

[cmd]

32. My little Maltese scared some away last month

I cracked the door enought to let them know that I had an aggressive little pup with me. They slipped lit in the crack and left. I gave the dog a treat.

[kenny blankenship]

34. Welcome them and offer them

this crucified rat as their personal savior.
They won't bother you again.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

35. Get some goat leggings

Have them ready by the door, and appear to be trussing them up as you greet them.


:D

[Hamlette]

36. opening the door naked doesn't work. take it from me.

long story, you get the point.

Tell them you are an atheist, works better.

[bvar22]

37. Turn the water hose on them...

...while screaming, "GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN AND YOU FOLLOWERS OF THE FALSE PROPHET!!!! Come back here and let ME wash away your sins!!!"

Chase them around your property, scream real loud so your neighbors can hear. Have your kids take video.
Make sure you have a LONG waterhose.

[Behind the Aegis]

40. LMAO!!!

If someone does that THERE better be a video!!! And, it better be posted so we call all enjoy that!!! Your response was a SCREAM!

[Jamastiene]

39. Don't answer the door unless

it's someone you know. That cuts out a lot of it. If you simply must answer the door, say this:
"In the afterlife, if you people are there, it could not possibly be Heaven, and if you aren't there, it couldn't possibly be Hell!"
to them and slam the door in their face.

missing L

[FreedomAngel82]

41. Just don't answer

That's what I'd do. Maybe you can work out a deal with your elderly parents if something is wrong with them.

[atommom]

42. I think I may have been reported as one of the unsaved too.

Just got an envelope addressed "Dear Neighbor" that contained a little religious tract about teaching children about God, and a couple of canned inspirational letters. I don't know whether it's our new religious neighbors, or someone else who just happened to notice our evil liberal ways. It didn't look like a mass mailing.

[TimeChaser]

48. Next Time...

It's quite tempting to just throw on my black cloak, light some candles and incense and invite them in for a free Tarot card reading and some tea.

[rainman99]

49. LOL. It happens here, too! Maybe I should tell them I'll join if

they voted for Kerry.

[lildreamer316]

65. Nominated as the best local reply!!

...seeing as how we're in NC and they're Babtists......

[Shoeempress]

50. Tell them they have ten seconds to get off your property before you

let the dogs out. I say it and don't even have dogs, they fall for it. How gullible.

[DemBones DemBones]

52. You know, there is no law that says you have to open the door when

Jehovah's Witnesses or door to door salesmen come knocking. I haven't responded to their knocks for many years and they seem to have given up on us. (It helps to have a big dog that barks loudly, too.)

But if you do open the door, you should know that being rude to Witnesses will make their day. They LIKE it when people are rude to them, it helps them feel self-righteous and unfairly persecuted. I've had to listen to the stories from Witnesses in my family often enough to know about this.

All you really have to do is tell them "Thanks, but I'm NOT interested" and close the door. Be firm but not rude and never, ever, get in a discussion with them. They are programmed to respond to anything. Close the door ASAP.

[demgurl]

55. I think you should peek outside your door and smile as you....

open it wide and invite them in. Close the door behind you and lock it. Tell them to have a seat while you lock the door. Stand straight in front of the door as if you are not going to let them out until they hear YOU out. Now stay right in front of the door the entire time you preach to them the virtues of DU and how you were saved when you found us. Stay firm in your stance of blocking the door and ask if they have a computer. Tell them you can get your husband to gather literature about The House Of Skinner and his followers. Explain you are one of the collections agents for the House of Skinner and ask for a donation that you will forward on.

They will leave and I bet they will not come back.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

56. Maybe that explains why

1. I was downtown on my way to meet someone for dinner, when this starry-eyed young woman asks if she can "share the good news" with me. I say what I always say in such circumstances,"I'm already a Christian, thank you." (It's true. I am, only not the kind she's thinking of.) She pursues me as I pace down Nicollet Mall, already late for my appointment, and insists on giving me a tract (not a Chick tract, fortunately.)

2. This morning, I get a phone call from another young woman (or maybe the same one) who wants to read "comforting Bible passages" to me.

I can't wait to see what comes next. :scared:

[bvar22]

58. I saw a good bumper sticker the other day:

I was BORN OK the first time!

[lildreamer316]

68. Hey..you can get that

at azuregreen.com Just thought I'd let you know. You may not be pagan, but they have alot of really funny bumperstickers..check it out!

[mcar]

59. My former boss used a great tactic

He is a gay man, raised in a fundie home, now a practicing Episcopalian. He knows more about the Bible and Theology than most priests I know.

When they would come knocking at the door, he'd open it and very flamboyantly invite them in (he could play a queen very well). While they were talking, he'd start mixing drinks and start leafing through his porno video collection.

When they'd get up to leave, he'd beg them to stay.

Needless to say, they never came back. :toast:

[brooklynite]

60. Why send them away?

Invite them in for a cup of coffee and ask them to prove and defend their beliefs. You'll have some fun, and they'll have less time to troll for other people.

[William Bloode]

62. Well,

For me a nice "No Trespassing" sign generally does the trick. If that does not work i then offer to escort them to the sign and give them a bit of a "hand" with reading comprehension. Also having my huge red brindle bulldog loose seems to help deter unwanted visitors.

On a good day when feeling mischievous i have been know to let them in and proselytize about the virtues of group sex, drugs and general debauchery.

If you wanna get a quick stunning reaction from them give them this line> Work the conversation to where they offer something and respond with "hell yeah, i never turn nothing down. 'Cept pretty young boys, and i just turn them face down". I know, i know it sounds bad but it's a priceless reaction getter.

[pinto]

64. I've friends with a small "Please, No Religious Ministries" sign on the

door. That seems to work for them. :shrug:

[NinetySix]

66. If you're fairly well-read on faith and theology, talk to them.

Invite them in if you like, but better to stand at the door. And don't just talk: debate, challenge, engage them. Ask polite but critical questions of their positions. Try to make them think. Enjoy yourself, but not at their expense; experience the intellectual joy of real discourse, viewing it as an opportunity you rarely receive to honestly debate people with whom you strongly disagree.

This has always been my strategy. I'm perhaps the only person in the world to whom Jehova's Witnesses have uttered the phrase, "well, we have to be going now." Try it.

You might succeed in causing some of them them to re-evaluate their ideas critically. Even if it doesn't work out like that, they'll probably not be back in any case, as they have too many souls to save to be wasting so much valuable time on your contrary ass. But if nothing else, for those devotees forever lost from the realm of rational, independent thought, it really pisses them off!

[toddaa]

69. Don't turn them away. Let them in to do a little housework.

Seriously. I actually convinced a JWer on my doorstep that I'd listen to whatever she had to say if she helped me do dishes one morning. I politely listened to her spiel as I dried and put the dishes away.

[LeftyMom]

70. Proposition them

It might not work with Baptists but it does a lovely job of getting rid of Mormons.

[Digit]

71. Last time, I told them if it had anything to do w/the bible...

I was not interested, and slammed the door shut.
Not cute, but quick and effective.

[PurityOfEssence]

73. Daddy hates you, no matter how many scalps you bring him

This is the sad part of the hierarchical big Witchy Man belief that dismays me so: the need for approval. It's a product of the harsh authoritarian family model, and it's a form of arrested development.

These people want to bring in more converts so the big daddy will finally love them and give them the acceptance they never had. The very idea of sucking up to some supernatural thug is one of needing the approval from a superior, and anyone with that power will simply want to continue it by witholding it or making it conditional.

At it's heart, it's simply childish.

[mopaul]

74. I'm half Atheist, half Jehova's Witness,

i'll knock on your door for no fucking reason at all.

[In_The_Wind]

75. Welcome to Democratic Underground

After years of not answering my door unless I receive a phone call first to announce the knock on my door ~ even the people who want to just leave me some pamphlets have stopped walking up my long driveway. Talking to them didn't work ~ ignoring them did !