"TORTURE: Tool, Technique, and Good Friend" - a Ministry of HomeSec Film

[thebigidea]

Here's a ridiculous bunch of notes for a script my friends and I will probably shoot later this week. You may commence being offended and unimpressed in advance.

--

STOCK FOOTAGE TITLE: United States Government Presents...

VOICEOVER:
TORTURE - tool, technique, and good friend.

COLONEL:
Hello. I'm Colonel Bob Braggart. Today, I've been instructed by Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz to deliver to you a series of informative sentences on... well, torture.

Torture... what is it?

PRVT:
I dunno if I want to find out!

COL:
You sure don't! Torture, properly applied - can be painful, lasting, and very unpleasant.

PRVT:
Gee, maybe I should do it to someone else - it would be a great way to blow off some steam.

COL:
Sure is, Private Drivel. But first - you need someone to torture.

PRVT:
Will any one do?

COL:
Its best to get an evildoer... and in a pinch, a wrongdoer.

PRVT:
But how can I tell?

COL:
By their beards, of course.
That's suspicious enough to warrant relentless,
excruciating interrogation.

PRVT:
What's interrogation?

COL:
Didn't they teach you anything at Brookdale Community College?
Interrogation is... well, its wonderful.

PRVT:
But why?

COL:
Interrogation is a process,
a funderful process that involves extracting information
from those that may be a little... unwilling.

PRVT:
Wha?

COL:
It means you get to put broomsticks in people's asses, Private.

PRVT:
Now that I know about - I was in Skull and Bones!

COL:
You may, but its best to leave sodomy to civilian contractors.

CONTRACTOR:
Yeah, I'm not accountables. I got undeniable deniability.

COL:
He makes about 4000 times more money than you do, Private.

CON:
I got enough money for all the orange & cream soda in the world.

PRVT:
I'm jealous!

COL:
Don't worry, you get to take pictures of the sodomy.

PRVT:
But I don't have a camera!

COL:
You do now - thanks to Uncle Sam.

PRVT:
Uncle Sam is Uncle GREAT!

CON:
You said it. We can do anything as long as we gotta flag to hide behind.

COL:
Now enough about anal interrogation - for now. Here's a film that may help explain things.

(COLONEL pulls out 16mm projector as the PRIVATE settles down to watch and the CONTRACTOR pulls out a torture pic and starts implying masturbation.)

ANIMATED goofy cartoon tools stroll in with upbeat music on the film.

TITLE:
The Tools of Torture!

VO:
Know them, feel them, make them an extension of your very body.
Through the history of torture, mankind has perfected instruments
of evil so rancid, we can't begin to cover them all. Nonetheless -
here are a few.

(the following VO bits are accompanied by stills, torture sequences, etc. A poorly bearded man is brought out and suffers endless humiliation.)

HOODS!
Hoods keep things impersonal, hoods help humiliate. Hoods suffocate - hoods illuminate.

But not nearly as well as a...

HEAVY FLASHLIGHT!
Insert in any orifice, shine in blind eyes that have been kept in darkened boxes for weeks on end.

Heavy enough to hurt like hell, phallic enough to ring any sadist's bell. Don't forget to break them open and drip the acidic chemicals onto naked flesh!

ELECTRICAL IMPLEMENTS!
You can imply it or fry it, but nothing smells better than burnt testicles at 2am in some hellhole prison... afterwards, relax with a round of rooftop golf, knowing electricity did the job - so you don't have to!

DOGS!
Let them loose on tender flesh, makes Muslims feel extra unclean, too - but that's just a fringe benefit compared to the fear of genital mutilation!

But in the end, the ultimate tool of torture is the willingness to ignore human rights in pursuit of brutality. The ultimate tool of torture... is you! Your fists can be your most efficient implements in the quest for ultimately useless information.

Always be prepared to carry out any order -
the weakest link in the chain of command
is soon set out to dry... if you don't join
in the reindeer games, you'll find yourself
utterly ostracized... that's because teamwork
and can-do spirit trumps independent thought ANY DAY!
That's the Don Rumsfeld way, hurray!

But for today, let us keep in mind... each and every one of our...
TOOLS OF TORTURE!

(film burns.)



previously:
http://www.terminalproduct.com/whywereallyfight.rm

[seattlesteph]

1. Actually, it IS a film already.

Col. Hackworth on 360 w/ Anderson Cooper (via Kos):

COOPER: But let's just play devil's advocate. Today Taguba said Sanchez put out orders about what are the established guidelines, and these people down low weren't following those orders.

You don't buy that?

HACKWORTH: No, I don't. And the colonel also said that it was a program designed to instruct the military police by the military intelligence folks. And there was this thing that you mentioned earlier, who was in command?

You know, you can only have one captain of a ship. You can't have two. And if you and I were running that prison, look, buddy, Anderson are you running it or am I running it?

We'd be on the phone to Sanchez and say who's in charge here.

COOPER: Taguba said he found no evidence of actual paper orders saying military intelligence was in charge.

HACKWORTH: But he just looked at the military police side. I think once you dig in, and according to my source today, a very reliable source, he alleges that General Fast was very much involved in this. Even training films were made, and sent back to the intelligence school to be used for training. And that both the MPs and the military intelligence folks were told to ignore the Geneva Convention. It didn't count. So you can bet your boots there's a whole bunch more going to come out on this, and it's going to go all the way to the Pentagon.

http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0405/11/acd.00.html

[thebigidea]

2. proving once again that satire is obsolete

but that doesn't stop us poor bastards from trying anyway - it helps keeps kids off the street.

Hackworth has done good. Initially I was suspicious of him because of the FOX connection, but his blunt comments there and elsewhere are always interesting.

[thebigidea]

5. speaking of training films... does any one know if...

any old 40s-60s Army training films on interrogation/resisting interrogation and the like are online? I checked the usual suspects like Prelinger, but haven't turned up anything.

[thebigidea]

3. ending...

PVT:
Bu... but what if I get caught?

COL:
Then we'll scapegoat you and hang you to dry.

PVT:
But you told me to!

COL:
Private, that didn't work in Nuremberg -
but it will work now. At ease, because
you'll be on easy street... a year or two
at most, but is that really much of a price
to pay for beating a man to death?

PVT:
God Bless America...

CON:
God Bless Money...

COL:
God Bless plausible deniability...

ALL:
Amen!

CUE SOUSA AND FADEOUT.

[thebigidea]

4. hmmm

I just noticed that the photos out of Abu Dubya make the following thing we did look relatively benign.

http://www.terminalproduct.com/orangealertfinal.rm

godblessmerica... to hell!