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James48 Donating Member (517 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 02:42 AM
Original message
Michael Moore Letter to the President
President Obama: Replace Rahm with Me ...an open letter from Michael Moore

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Dear President Obama,

I understand you may be looking to replace Rahm Emanuel as your chief of staff.

I would like to humbly offer myself, yours truly, as his replacement.

I will come to D.C. and clean up the mess that's been created around you. I will work for $1 a year. I will help the Dems on Capitol Hill find their spines and I will teach them how to nonviolently beat the Republicans to a pulp.

And I will help you get done what the American people sent you there to do. I don't need much, just a cot in the White House basement will do.

Now, don't get too giddy with excitement over my offer, because you and I are going to be up at 5 in the morning, 7 days a week and I am going to get you pumped up for battle every single day (see photo). Each morning you and I will do 100 jumping jacks and you will repeat after me:

"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ELECTED ME, NOT THE REPUBLICANS, TO RUN THE COUNTRY! I AM IN CHARGE! I WILL ORDER ALL OBSTRUCTIONISTS OUTTA MY WAY! IF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M DOING THEY CAN THROW MY ASS OUT IN 2012. IN THE MEANTIME, I CALL THE SHOTS ON THEIR BEHALF! NOW, CONGRESS, DROP AND GIVE ME 50!!"

Then we will put on our jogging sweats and run up to Capitol Hill. We will take names, kick butts, and then take some more names. If we have to give a few noogies or half-nelson's, then so be it. In our pockets we will have a piece of paper to show the pansy Dems just how much they won by in 2008 -- and the poll results that show the majority of Americans oppose the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and want the bankers punished. Like drill sergeants, we will get right up in their faces and ask them, "WHAT PART OF THE PUBLIC MANDATE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, SOLDIER?!! DROP AND GIVE ME 50!"

I know this is the job Rahm Emanuel was supposed to be doing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have always admired Rahm Emanuel (if you don't count his getting NAFTA pushed through Congress in the '90s which destroyed towns like Flint, Michigan. I know, picky-picky.). He is what we needed for a long time -- a no-apologies, take-no-prisoners fighting machine. Someone who is not afraid to get his hands dirty and pound the right wing into submission. Far from being the foul-mouthed bully he has been portrayed as, Rahm is the one who BEAT UP the bullies to protect us from them.

That's certainly what he did in 2006. After six long, miserable years of the middle-class getting slaughtered and the poor being flushed down the toilet, Rahm Emanuel took on the job of returning Congress to the Democrats. No one believed it could be done.

But he did it. Big time. He put the fear of God into the party of Rush and Newt. They had never been so scared. More importantly, though, he instilled a sense of hope in the Democrats that they could actually score the mother of all hat tricks in 2008 -- and with you, an African American no less, in the pole position!

It worked. The Darkness ended. The vast majority of nation wept with joy on the night of the election (those who weren't weeping went out and bought a record number of guns and ammo). Unlike the last president, you didn't "win" by 537 votes in Florida (although Gore won the popular vote by a half-million), you beat McCain nationally by 9,522,083 votes! The House Democrats got a walloping 79-vote margin. The Senate Dems would caucus with a supermajority of 60 votes unheard of in over 30 years. The wars would now end. America would have universal health care. Wall Street and the banks would, at the very least, be reined in. Hardworking citizens would not be thrown out of their homes. It was supposed to be the dawning of a new age.

But the Republicans were not going to go quietly into the night. You see, instead of having just one Rahm Emanuel, they are ALL Rahm Emanuels. That's why they usually win. Unlike most Democrats, they are relentless and unstoppable. When they believe in something (which is usually themselves and the K Street job they hope to be rewarded with someday), they'll fight for it till the death. They are loyal to a fault to each other (they were never able to denounce Bush, even though they knew he was destroying the party). They dig their heels in deep no matter what. If you exiled them to a lone chunk of melting polar ice cap, they would keep insisting that it was just a normal "January thaw," even as the frigid Arctic waters rose above their God-fearing necks ("See what I mean -- this water is COLD! What 'global *warming*'?! Adam and Eve rode dinos...aagghh!!... gulp gulp gulp").

We thought we were all done with this craziness, but we were mistaken. Like a beast that you just can't cage, the Republicans convinced not only the media, but YOU and your fellow Dems, that 59 votes was a *minority*! Precious time was lost trying to reach a "consensus" and trying to be "bipartisan."

Well, you and the Democrats have been in charge now for over a year and not one banking regulation has been reinstated. We don't have universal health care. The war in Afghanistan has escalated. And tens of thousands of Americans continue to lose their jobs and be thrown out of their homes. For most of us, it's just simply no longer good enough that Bush is gone. Woo hoo. Bush is gone. Yippee. That hasn't created one new friggin' job.

You're such a good guy, Mr. President. You came to Washington with your hand extended to the Republicans and they just chopped it off. You wanted to be respectful and they decided that they were going to say "no" to everything you suggested. Yet, you kept on saying you still believed in bipartisanship.

Well, if you really want bipartisanship, just go ahead and let the Republicans win in November. Then you'll get all the bipartisanship you want.

Let me be clear about one thing: The Democrats on Election Day 2010 are going to get an ass-whoopin' of biblical proportions if things don't change right now. And after the new Republican majority takes over, they, along with a few conservative Democrats in Congress, will get to bipartisanly impeach you for being a socialist and a citizen of Kenya. How nice to see both sides of the aisle working together again!

And the brief window we had to fix this country will be gone.

Gone.

Gone, baby, gone.

I don't know what your team has been up to, but they haven't served you well. And Rahm, poor Rahm, has turned into a fighter -- not of Republicans, but of the left. He called those of us who want universal health care "f***ing retarded." Look, I don't know if Rahm is the problem or if it's Gibbs or Axelrod or any of the other great people we owe a debt of thanks to for getting you elected. All I know is that whatever is fueling your White House it's now running on fumes. Time to shake things up! Time to bring me in to get you pumped up every morning! Go Barack! Yay Obama! Fight, Team, Fight!

I'm packed and ready to come to D.C. tomorrow. If it helps, you won't really be losing Rahm entirely because I'll be bringing his brother with me -- my agent, Ari Emanuel. Man, you should see HIM negotiate a deal! Have you ever wanted to see Mitch McConnell walking around Capitol Hill carrying his own head in his hands after it's just been handed to him by the infamous Ari? Oh, baby, it won't be pretty -- but boy will it be sweet!

What say you, Barack? Me and you against the world! Yes we can! It'll be fun -- and we may just get something done. Whaddaya got to lose? Hope?

Retardedly yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

P.S. Just to give you an idea of the new style I'll be bringing with me, when a cornhole like Sen. Ben Nelson tries to hold you up next time, this is what I will tell him in order to get his vote: "You've got exactly 30 seconds to rescind your demand or I will personally make sure that Nebraska doesn't get one more federal dollar for the rest of Obama's term. And then I will let everyone in your state know that you wear Sooner panties, backwards. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 50!"
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upi402 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 03:07 AM
Response to Original message
1. Welcome James48!
:fistbump:
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FrenchieCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 03:12 AM
Response to Original message
2. I like this letter a lot!
I hope he writes the Republicans one too!
They are the ones I'd like to see us concentrate on....
as well as letting The President know, it's election time....
time to make sure everyone understand who the opponents are,
and it's the Republicans. Hear that Mr. Prez! The Republicans!
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cutlassmama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 03:30 AM
Response to Original message
3. This could actually end well.
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truedelphi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 04:18 AM
Response to Original message
4. Great letter, there, Mike baby, but one small
quibble.

When you talk about the Demcorats taking back the House and the Senate in 2006, you have confused Rahm with Howard Dean.

Though Rahm was indeed out there in 2006, doing his best to squash every other Progressive Dem and make sure that a conservative Dem got the nomination to run in many local elections.

Rahm has never been one to respect us Progressives. Except during the election cycles, when he gets his candidates to pretend they are one of us.

Then after the election cycle, he is giving us the finger and calling us "retards."
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Demeter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 09:45 AM
Response to Reply #4
8. Yeah, Don't Waste Time and Ink Kissing Rahm's Ass
He's done nothing for the cause or the country, and he never will.
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Rhiannon12866 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 04:47 AM
Response to Original message
5. Love this! K&R!
And welcome to DU, James48! It's great to have you with us! :toast:
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Callalily Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 06:20 AM
Response to Original message
6. You just gotta
love Mr. Moore and you just gotta love this letter.

If only Prez. Obama would read this, "THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ELECTED ME, NOT THE REPUBLICANS, TO RUN THE COUNTRY! I AM IN CHARGE! I WILL ORDER ALL OBSTRUCTIONISTS OUTTA MY WAY! IF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M DOING THEY CAN THROW MY ASS OUT IN 2012. IN THE MEANTIME, I CALL THE SHOTS ON THEIR BEHALF!"

And welcome to DU!
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James48 Donating Member (517 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 08:58 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. I do
like Michael Moore. I just wish our President would start showing some leadership and make it happen.
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Daveparts still Donating Member (614 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-06-10 10:15 AM
Response to Original message
9. Obama's response
Dear Mr. Moore,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. Sadly, like most US employers I am not accepting applications at this time. However just for the sake of argument I showed your letter to my cabinet.

The Health and Human Services secretary said that your appointment would upset the insurance industry. My labor secretary explained that your appointment would upset Americas small business community. My defense secretary almost went through the roof explaining that our defense contractors would be livid. That if those overseas contractors where to unionize it would bust the budget. Please understand that just because our defense budget comes in at near a trillion dollars annually bringing freedom to third world peasants is very expensive.

My press secretary also explained that your appointment to the administration would be detrimental to our press outreach. That you are rarely ever invited on main stream news programs and that could hurt my administrations profile.Please understand Mr. Moore that I find your films both funny and entertaining but inside the beltway I only pretend to agree with you.

So you do your push ups and jumping jacks as for me Im a basketball player which is about being quick and faking out the other guy. Swish, nothing but net!

Yours truly,

Barack
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proteus_lives Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-07-10 05:47 AM
Response to Original message
10. Michael Moore doing jumping-jacks?
:rofl:
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